loverofloveandstuff Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 Hey guys, I have a really weird mentality when it comes to relationships. I know it's not right, so I'm looking for some help to try and 'fix' it, so any input would be really helpful. It's holding me back a lot from being emotionally intimate and breaking down my walls. As such, my relationships are always short lived. I'll describe the nature of my thought processes during my first relationship to give you an idea of what's going through my head. My frame of mind and attitude has not changed since this time. Now, I just avoid relationships in an exclusive sense, altogether. Firstly, I couldn't understand why this guy was with me. Why does anybody decide to be with anybody exclusively when there is always going to be someone more intelligent, more attractive and just generally a more compatible match? I feel like there is always someone better out there for me and my significant other. Don't we end up settling for the best thing we can find who thinks we are the best think they can find? Something better for one of us is bound to come along. I don't want to be the one who interferes with him not pursuing the better thing that comes along. This kind of makes me upset but I can't think of another way to see things. My boyfriend was 'best friends' with a girl who had a boyfriend. The girl was older and expressed to him that he was like a 'little brother' to her. It was platonic for her. I'm almost certain that he had feelings for her at one stage or another. He described her as the 'nicest girl he had ever met' and 'very attractive'. I knew nothing was ever going to happen between them due to her feelings towards him and her boyfriend. Also, it was pretty much physically impossible. She was moving out of state. I always felt like he liked her more than me, and the only reason he was with me was because he couldn't get her. If she moved back and declared her love for him, I'm pretty sure he would've left me in a flash. I don't like being second best but that's nearly always how I feel when I'm in an exclusive relationship. He was the one who initiated exclusivity. I told him not long after that he was 'free to see and do whatever he wanted.' The reasoning behind it? I feel like guys are always going to desire and want to be with other women... what difference does it make if they put those feelings into actions? The only difference I can think of is their desires just become blatantly known when they respond to them. A lot of the time, the lack of openness leads to one partner doing it behind the other's back anyway... Also, I feel like my partner will feel trapped if I don't let him fulfill his desires. Monogamy isn't natural in human beings so why try to achieve it? He wasn't happy about this. He said that I was being 'insecure.' And I replied by saying that it was nothing to do with insecurity and it was just that we had different ways of thinking about relationships. After awhile of reasoning, he said that he would 'feel bad' about being/doing anything with another woman. That's exactly what I didn't want to hear. I don't want a guy to not do anything with another woman because he feels like it will hurt me. I want it to be natural. I want him to choose to not want to be with other woman because he honestly only wants me. Is this possible? Or do men and women only not date other men and women when they are in relationships because they don't want to lose the one they're with? I know it's also the fact that they don't want to 'hurt' the one they're with... I never have real romantic relationships with men these days. I go on dates regularly but I always make it clear that I'm not looking for anything serious because I'm really not sure if I'm capable of a normal, exclusive relationship. I have this fear of looking jealous, needy, clingy or emotionally attached. I often go out of my way to show that I'm not. I don't want a guy to feel like he owes anything to me. Any insight?
Sivok Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 (edited) Interesting. Interms of your past relationship, a female best friend can send jealousy spikes to any women. I know it sent spikes to me when one of my ex's told me her best friend was a guy, who I also later found out was an ex. It's absolutely normal to feel jealous over something that seems so bizarre - because it really is. It's disrespectful to you, and hell, it's disrespectful to the relationship as a whole - if he did have some feelings for this woman, then he isn't fully open to you. Relationships are all about finding someone you can allow yourself to be vulnerable with. We may be animals, we may find somebody attractive and want to sleep with them, but in the end we're a tier higher than that - we have a powerful logical and emotional brain. It isn't all primal. If humanity was truly meant to exist in polynogomous relations, why is it we feel jealousy towards a mate? Why feel love? Passion? We do get physical impulses to desire others all the time. I know each time an attractive woman passes me by, I can't help but appreciate the beauty - even for a brief second. After that brief second, she'll be completely out of my mind. This mentality is indeed an insecurity. You're afraid to open up your emotions, you don't want them to trump your logic so you do your best to suppress them. My advice to you, as I come from a similar standpoint. Slowly allow yourself to start seeing gray in other men, rather than the sharp black you seem to be adopting right now. Another solution, keep dating until you find somebody you can't help but let go with. The best way to do that? Find an opposite. I'm Order, the girl who was able to break me out of my emotional shell exemplified Chaos - and vice versa. Hope this helps. Edited September 29, 2010 by Sivok
Author loverofloveandstuff Posted September 29, 2010 Author Posted September 29, 2010 If humanity was truly meant to exist in polynogomous relations, why is it we feel jealousy towards a mate? Why feel love? Passion? We do get physical impulses to desire others all the time. I know each time an attractive woman passes me by, I can't help but appreciate the beauty - even for a brief second. After that brief second, she'll be completely out of my mind. Yeah, I've thought about this and I'm not sure... Is it only when we hold the expectation of exclusivity that we feel jealous? If we didn't hold that expectation would we still feel jealous? In my case, I have been in 'open' relationships and I have felt jealous. But I wondered if this was because the guy didn't spend as much time with me because he was seeing other girls and I mistook jealousy for wanting more attention. I'm still not sure. This mentality is indeed an insecurity. You're afraid to open up your emotions, you don't want them to trump your logic so you do your best to suppress them. My advice to you, as I come from a similar standpoint. Slowly allow yourself to start seeing gray in other men, rather than the sharp black you seem to be adopting right now. Another solution, keep dating until you find somebody you can't help but let go with. The best way to do that? Find an opposite. I'm Order, the girl who was able to break me out of my emotional shell exemplified Chaos - and vice versa. Thanks Sivok. This was helpful! Another thing I have been doing lately, is dating quite a few different guys, but I won't go on more than a couple of dates with them. I think I do this because I like receiving the attention and feeling flattered and beautiful and wanted, yet I don't want to become too emotionally involved and as you said 'vulnerable.' I think to start seeing the gray in men, I have to allow myself to get to know the guys I'm dating on a deeper level. Atleast then I might stop seeing all relationships to be doomed in the same way. Rather, I'll concentrate on the individual and my relationship with them on a different plane, not subjected to my silly thoughts.. hopefully. Looking back in hindsight, it's funny. During my first relationship, I honestly believed I was just being openminded. Now it has become a problem and I realise that my attitude is a manifestation of my insecurities. Even so, I'm still trying to justifying the way of thinking.
Untouchable_Fire Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 Hey guys, I have a really weird mentality when it comes to relationships. I know it's not right, so I'm looking for some help to try and 'fix' it, so any input would be really helpful. It's holding me back a lot from being emotionally intimate and breaking down my walls. As such, my relationships are always short lived. I'll describe the nature of my thought processes during my first relationship to give you an idea of what's going through my head. My frame of mind and attitude has not changed since this time. Now, I just avoid relationships in an exclusive sense, altogether. Ok... refusal to be exclusive? Commitment issues... ? Describe the relationship your parents have. Please describe your relationship with your parents... both of them. Firstly, I couldn't understand why this guy was with me. Why does anybody decide to be with anybody exclusively when there is always going to be someone more intelligent, more attractive and just generally a more compatible match? Simple. If I care about a woman... the other ones don't matter anymore, no matter how good they might be. A woman I just spent the last 5 years with sharing memories, good times, bad times, building a life together. How do you think some new lady who is maybe a bit better looking or maybe a better sense of humor is going to beat that? For me... it's not possible. Because the car I rebuilt with my own hands will always be worth more to me than shiny new Lexus. My blood, sweat, and tears make it so. I feel like there is always someone better out there for me and my significant other. Don't we end up settling for the best thing we can find who thinks we are the best think they can find? Something better for one of us is bound to come along. I don't want to be the one who interferes with him not pursuing the better thing that comes along. This kind of makes me upset but I can't think of another way to see things. Fear of abandonment? My boyfriend was 'best friends' with a girl who had a boyfriend. The girl was older and expressed to him that he was like a 'little brother' to her. It was platonic for her. I'm almost certain that he had feelings for her at one stage or another. He described her as the 'nicest girl he had ever met' and 'very attractive'. I knew nothing was ever going to happen between them due to her feelings towards him and her boyfriend. Also, it was pretty much physically impossible. She was moving out of state. I always felt like he liked her more than me, and the only reason he was with me was because he couldn't get her. If she moved back and declared her love for him, I'm pretty sure he would've left me in a flash. I don't like being second best but that's nearly always how I feel when I'm in an exclusive relationship. That situation is kind of creepy, but you don't really know what's going on in his head. He may have had an attraction at one point... but had it fall away leaving a deep friendship. Either way... always feeling 2nd best is a bad sign. He was the one who initiated exclusivity. I told him not long after that he was 'free to see and do whatever he wanted.' The reasoning behind it? I feel like guys are always going to desire and want to be with other women... what difference does it make if they put those feelings into actions? The only difference I can think of is their desires just become blatantly known when they respond to them. A lot of the time, the lack of openness leads to one partner doing it behind the other's back anyway... Also, I feel like my partner will feel trapped if I don't let him fulfill his desires. Monogamy isn't natural in human beings so why try to achieve it? It IS natural. Think about it... How well would my kids survive without me? Much lower chances of reaching adulthood. In fact even with both parents the infant mortality rate is typically around 50% without medical intervention. Also... Why would I actively raise another guys kids? I wouldn't. What isn't natural is the ability to collect child support, modern medicine, a readily abundant food supply, and all the other conveniences that make it easy to raise children alone. Bottom line. Monogamy makes evolutionary sense. We have a strong and natural desire for it. True we are also opportunistic cheaters... but those impulses are controllable in those who are mentally well. He wasn't happy about this. He said that I was being 'insecure.' And I replied by saying that it was nothing to do with insecurity and it was just that we had different ways of thinking about relationships. After awhile of reasoning, he said that he would 'feel bad' about being/doing anything with another woman. He wants to be with you and doesn't want to hurt you. That's exactly what I didn't want to hear. I don't want a guy to not do anything with another woman because he feels like it will hurt me. I want it to be natural. I want him to choose to not want to be with other woman because he honestly only wants me. Is this possible? Or do men and women only not date other men and women when they are in relationships because they don't want to lose the one they're with? I know it's also the fact that they don't want to 'hurt' the one they're with... Hmmm... Alot of your problems sound like your afraid to be abandoned. How do you handle being alone? Do you enjoy it? Avoid it? Have you been hurt badly in relationships previously? I never have real romantic relationships with men these days. I go on dates regularly but I always make it clear that I'm not looking for anything serious because I'm really not sure if I'm capable of a normal, exclusive relationship. I have this fear of looking jealous, needy, clingy or emotionally attached. I often go out of my way to show that I'm not. I don't want a guy to feel like he owes anything to me. Any insight? The one thing I really enjoy about my GF right now is that unlike pretty much everyone previous... She isn't afraid of being herself. If she feels clingy... she is. I don't mind. I like her and sometimes I like clingy. It's a billion times better than cold and distant. Everything your saying makes me thing you have intimacy issues.
Untouchable_Fire Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 Yeah, I've thought about this and I'm not sure... Is it only when we hold the expectation of exclusivity that we feel jealous? If we didn't hold that expectation would we still feel jealous? In my case, I have been in 'open' relationships and I have felt jealous. But I wondered if this was because the guy didn't spend as much time with me because he was seeing other girls and I mistook jealousy for wanting more attention. I'm still not sure. Many people would disagree with me on this... but in my experience open relationships only work when your with someone you don't love. It's like a committed version of an FWB relationship. The people who engage in that typical have intimacy issues. Your jealousy is/was natural
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