Should I apologize or just leave it?

[BackUpOrGetStung]

This weekend I went to a party at a friend's house and an ex of mine was there. We dated for a year and a half and ended things about a year ago. The breakup was less than amicable, but we've since become civil with each other, or so I thought. We talked for a while at the party and things were going well until she brought up our relationship and what went wrong. I told her I was over it and didn't want to talk about it but she kept pushing it, not to get back together or anything but she just wanted to "get everything out".

 

She originally blamed me for making her miscarry, since we had a huge argument(fueled by her) the week she found out. We were both devastated and our relationship went further downhill and ended after 3 weeks of fighting. In our conversation this weekend she told me that she's completely forgiven me, and that's when I lost it. I yelled that I was glad she had a miscarriage and would have committed suicide if I had to be bound to a crazy B like her for 18 years. She burst into tears and I stormed out of my friend's house.

 

I guess what made me so upset was by her "forgiving" me, it still puts the blame of the miscarriage on me. She may have just meant general forgiveness for how everything ended, but I just assumed the worst at the time. I really don't know what to do now. I feel bad for saying something that mean but I don't know how or if I should apologize to her or just leave it alone.

[sanskrit]

Leave it alone. Perhaps she will learn a thing or two about the consequences of treating life as a perpetual blame-shifting exercise, and the effect that has on people around her.

[that girl]

At first I thought it was totally crazy she blamed you for the miscarriage.

 

Then I read this

 

In our conversation this weekend she told me that she's completely forgiven me, and that's when I lost it. I yelled that I was glad she had a miscarriage and would have committed suicide if I had to be bound to a crazy B like her for 18 years. She burst into tears and I stormed out of my friend's house.

 

 

She may have just meant general forgiveness for how everything ended, but I just assumed the worst at the time.

 

You sound like an abusive jerk, not some guy who was hurt by his almost baby mama's irrational behavior.

 

It really depends what you relationship is whether or not you should apologize to her, but you behaved horribly.

[SecretSquirrel]

She sounds like a complete weirdo drama queen for bringing that crap up that happened a year ago at a PARTY, and you sound like a weirdo drama queen for flipping out on her. I'm tempted to say that you should apologize for what you said because it was really harsh, but it sounds like maybe you two just shouldn't have any contact at all, and the door to communication should never be opened between you again.

[BackUpOrGetStung]

Excuse me, for having pent up anger about being told "You killed my baby" repeatedly, along with weeks of arguments that I did nothing to start or escalate. In fact, my "being so calm" at the time was what she used to say I never cared and wanted it to happen. I was scared, but excited to have a child and I was devastated by it too.

 

Since we broke up, I've tried to just leave her alone but she's the one that contacts me every few weeks and keeps wanting to talk about our relationship and wonders if we can ever try again, blah blah blah. I've tried to be nice for so long, but she just twists everything and I honestly think she's been wanting me to apologize for the miscarriage, something that was not my fault and will not happen. That's what upset me so much, is that after all this time she is still blaming me. I know I shouldn't have said that to her, but after a year of this nonsense I've had enough. I don't think it's even worth apologizing, it'll probably just end badly again.

[SecretSquirrel]

Excuse me, for having pent up anger about being told "You killed my baby" repeatedly, along with weeks of arguments that I did nothing to start or escalate. In fact, my "being so calm" at the time was what she used to say I never cared and wanted it to happen. I was scared, but excited to have a child and I was devastated by it too.

 

Since we broke up, I've tried to just leave her alone but she's the one that contacts me every few weeks and keeps wanting to talk about our relationship and wonders if we can ever try again, blah blah blah. I've tried to be nice for so long, but she just twists everything and I honestly think she's been wanting me to apologize for the miscarriage, something that was not my fault and will not happen. That's what upset me so much, is that after all this time she is still blaming me. I know I shouldn't have said that to her, but after a year of this nonsense I've had enough. I don't think it's even worth apologizing, it'll probably just end badly again.

I agree, and stand by my previous post. You two clearly should have nothing to do with each other. What was the point of breaking up if you still have drama?

[atlnay]

I feel bad for saying something that mean but I don't know how or if I should apologize to her or just leave it alone.

 

You can apologize for your emotional outburst, by simply labeling it as such. Let her know that the loss also hurt you deeply and while it's not an excuse for what you said, but basically you are hurting to. Tell her you appreciate the relationship, you had however many good times together but now only seem to bring out the worst in each other and that from this point on it's best to cease contact, but you wanted to apologize to her first before you moved on.

[sanskrit]

You sound like an abusive jerk

 

He sounds like a normal guy who finally got fed up with an abusive jerk saying horrible, emotionally manipulative things to him and snapped.

 

And the irrational condescension of "forgiving" a man for a miscarriage? Disgusting. OP, don't let yourself believe for a minute she was forgiving you for things generally, she knew exactly what she was doing.

 

Also agree what kind of psycho would stir something like this up at a party a year later?

 

Kick a friendly dog enough and it will turn into a mean dog.

[make me believe]

Just let it go. If you contact her to apologize she'll probably freak out on you or you two will end up arguing/fighting again somehow. Who needs that drama? Let it go and cut all contact with her.

[tami-chan]

Just let it go....and block her number.

[Stung]

If it were me, I would send a note apologizing for the over-the-top flip out about a very sensitive subject, and explaining that we were toxic for each other and should never see/speak to/contact each other again. I would say goodbye and wish her luck. Then I would block her number and email and take any other steps I could think of to just end any avenues of connection, and after that I might spend some time thinking about whether I might benefit from learning some anger management techniques.

[elaina]

 

She originally blamed me for making her miscarry, since we had a huge argument(fueled by her) the week she found out. We were both devastated and our relationship went further downhill and ended after 3 weeks of fighting. In our conversation this weekend she told me that she's completely forgiven me, and that's when I lost it. I yelled that I was glad she had a miscarriage and would have committed suicide if I had to be bound to a crazy B like her for 18 years. She burst into tears and I stormed out of my friend's house.

 

I guess what made me so upset was by her "forgiving" me, it still puts the blame of the miscarriage on me. She may have just meant general forgiveness for how everything ended, but I just assumed the worst at the time. I really don't know what to do now. I feel bad for saying something that mean but I don't know how or if I should apologize to her or just leave it alone.

 

Oh no.

 

That is horrible.

 

Backup or Get stung,

 

Many women who miscarriage a baby they loved and wanted have a very hard time and mourn. What you said seems totally uncaring for the baby that ya'll had hoped to have together. Or did she hope to have your baby? Was she happy about having your baby?

 

What you said was so mean.

 

My sister had 2 miscarriages (she has 5 kids now so the 5 she has + the 2 she miscarried: she has been pregnant 7 times. When she miscarried, she was inconsolable. I didn't really understand the big deal, since the baby wasn't born yet why be upset, but that upset her so much more. (I don't have any kids and as far as I know, have never been pregnant.) She yelled at me for being insensitive and started crying even harder when I told her what's the big deal. I'll never forget that, and yes I love my sister a lot, and her husband and their kids too.

 

Again, many women have a hard time with miscarriages. It's a mixture of mourning a loved little person they lost who they didn't want to lose, even before that little one cried for the very first time. It's also the hormones and the emotional outlet for the hormones... it's also guilt, like my sister wondered what happened, though my sis is an RN and knows that it could just simply be something wrong with the embryo's forming at what whatever stage and the woman's body rejects it, or something like that, but its so easy for a woman who's lost someone precious to her (even if he/she isn't born yet) to blame herself or anybody or any thing that's been hard on them. it's a really hard time. It's also the maternal instinct that many women have... women fight for their babies, so much of her anger against what she doesn't appreciate about you + her anger at losing her baby (a part of the maternal instinct is to protect and nurture and take care of a baby/child) could push her over the top, but that's not your fault, but please be nice to her cause that would really help her, even though you don't at any means have to be with her anymore.

 

Please apologize to her! You can just email her or text her and tell her your sorry and you will not talk to her anymore about it, and then don't. Please control your anger! I understand how you were upset at her, but that was so harsh and mean, not just against her, but against your own little baby who if she had, would be your little son or daughter.

 

I'm sorry that happened. Have you ever taken anger management classes? That might help, and yes she's not faultless either, but it's always better to not be mean and hurt another, not just you but she too shouldn't be mean to you either. She should take anger management classes too, and it is hurtful that she said that you killed "her" baby. You didn't. Her body rejected the baby for whatever reason, and it's not just stress that causes that. There a whole lot of reasons why, and blaming anybody doesn't help anything. I"m going to cry.

Edited September 29, 2010 by elaina

[elaina]

Kick a friendly dog enough and it will turn into a mean dog.

 

I hope that's just a figure of speech and not something a person would do.

 

Any person who does that should not have a dog, not have access to a dog, and should be charged with animal cruelty.

[elaina]

If it were me, I would send a note apologizing for the over-the-top flip out about a very sensitive subject, and explaining that we were toxic for each other and should never see/speak to/contact each other again. I would say goodbye and wish her luck. Then I would block her number and email and take any other steps I could think of to just end any avenues of connection, and after that I might spend some time thinking about whether I might benefit from learning some anger management techniques.

 

Totally agreed

[BackUpOrGetStung]

Elaina, first, it is not just a figure of speech. People kick nice dogs every day to turn them into mean dogs and fight them against other nice dogs turned mean, and then kill them once they're too worn out to fight anymore..and they breed them so their supply doesn't run out. It's horrible, but you need to wake up and realize that the world isn't always as nice and happy as you are, but your heart is in the right place.

 

I think I've managed my anger pretty well over the last year, considering that I've never engaged her when she tries to start a confrontation with her little pointed comments. I was on the back deck, by myself getting some fresh air and she came out and wanted to talk about "us". I stupidly told her to let out whatever she needed to, since I was just chilling and enjoying myself and figured it wouldn't hurt to just listen to her, and maybe put her at ease. I just don't get what happened, with any of it really. She was the sweetest, most loving person until a few months into the pregnancy when she completely changed. I made sure her only worry was how many pillows she had between her back and the couch. I cooked, cleaned, painted the baby's room, built the crib, worked, got her whatever she wanted, and loved her with everything I had, and she would still manufacture a reason to get upset(mainly that she thought she was fat and ugly, and was convinced I wanted other women). I don't want to hate her, and I want to forgive her so I'm not so bitter about it all and can finally let go, but I just can't believe how she's treated me and thinks she's totally justified. Half of me wants to just hold her and tell her how wonderful she really is and that everything will be okay, and the other half hopes that what I said killed her inside like her words did to me for so long. I don't even know what I'm saying or where I'm going with this anymore, I'm still just so confused and frustrated and broken.

[sanskrit]

I hope that's just a figure of speech

 

People kick nice dogs

 

Guys, it was actually intended as a figure of speech for the purposes of this thread. Just an analogy. No idea whether that sort of thing actually goes on somewhere. Being a dog person myself, it doesn't go on in my vicinity.

[elaina]

Guys, it was actually intended as a figure of speech for the purposes of this thread. Just an analogy. No idea whether that sort of thing actually goes on somewhere. Being a dog person myself, it doesn't go on in my vicinity.

 

Hello Sanskrit,

 

Ok, I'm glad it was just an analogy you used.

 

Sad to say, Backuporgetstung is right; there are people who beat dogs. Hopefully, people who do so get in trouble with the law, because it is unacceptable and cruel behavior.

Elaina, first, it is not just a figure of speech. People kick nice dogs every day to turn them into mean dogs and fight them against other nice dogs turned mean, and then kill them once they're too worn out to fight anymore..and they breed them so their supply doesn't run out. It's horrible, but you need to wake up and realize that the world isn't always as nice and happy as you are, but your heart is in the right place.

 

Yeah sad to say I know there are people who are cruel to animals. I wish there weren't, and I'm all for the law to criminalize people who do so.

 

I think I've managed my anger pretty well over the last year, considering that I've never engaged her when she tries to start a confrontation with her little pointed comments. I was on the back deck, by myself getting some fresh air and she came out and wanted to talk about "us". I stupidly told her to let out whatever she needed to, since I was just chilling and enjoying myself and figured it wouldn't hurt to just listen to her, and maybe put her at ease. I just don't get what happened, with any of it really. She was the sweetest, most loving person until a few months into the pregnancy when she completely changed. I made sure her only worry was how many pillows she had between her back and the couch. I cooked, cleaned, painted the baby's room, built the crib, worked, got her whatever she wanted, and loved her with everything I had, and she would still manufacture a reason to get upset(mainly that she thought she was fat and ugly, and was convinced I wanted other women). I don't want to hate her, and I want to forgive her so I'm not so bitter about it all and can finally let go, but I just can't believe how she's treated me and thinks she's totally justified. Half of me wants to just hold her and tell her how wonderful she really is and that everything will be okay, and the other half hopes that what I said killed her inside like her words did to me for so long. I don't even know what I'm saying or where I'm going with this anymore, I'm still just so confused and frustrated and broken.

 

I'm sorry about what you're going through. Please remember though that yeah, many (not all) women who are pregnant do go through lots of emotional upheaval because of the hormones and their body changing, and many (not all) women who have had a miscarriage mourn and in their mourning process, blame others when its actually their own body that does it. Stress sure doesn't help, but there are other reasons why a woman miscarries other than stress.

 

That is wonderful and beautiful all the things you did for her and for the baby. Really, that is awesome. I hope you heal soon, and her too, and I'm sorry the relationship didn't work out. Maybe there are things in her past that makes her have a hard time trusting you. Again, you can't help that. You can only control your reaction to her. Whatever you do, I hope you apologize to her, like how Stung said, and then if you don't want to talk to her anymore, that's fine. Since I have "Cinderalla syndrome", I'd love it if ya'll could get back together and work it out and live happily ever after, but life doesn't always go that way. If it doesn't, then I hope you find another girl who you can love who doesn't get so mad and fight with you like that.

[tami-chan]

I hope that's just a figure of speech and not something a person would do.

 

Any person who does that should not have a dog, not have access to a dog, and should be charged with animal cruelty.

 

Seriously? did you really think it was not a figure of speech? How literal can you get?

[tami-chan]

What you said was so mean.

 

What she made him go through was also very mean. You seem to forget that OP was mourning, too. He also lost a baby. This man has been through hell with this woman! I bet most people they know as a couple went to her side to comfort her. What about the OP? I totally understand why he lost it....one can only take so much abuse.

 

I understand how you were upset at her, but that was so harsh and mean, not just against her, but against your own little baby who if she had, would be your little son or daughter.

No, you do not understand. Do you know how it feels to be BLAMED for the death of your own child? I bet you don't. Neither do I, I cannot even begin to imagine how painful that is-not only did he lose a baby, he also got blamed for it....

 

OP, it is okay to be angry in this situation. Granted, what you said was over the top BUT what she said for the LONGEST time was over the top...unjustified and uncalled for, imho. If it makes you feel better, apologize but you need to not be in contact with her after--she is toxic to you.

[elaina]

Seriously? did you really think it was not a figure of speech? How literal can you get?

 

Hello Tami-chan,

 

People who beat animals get no respect from me. I said I hope it's a figure of speech, and he said it was, and I rest assured he does not do such a thing. Case closed. What's your issue with it?

Edited October 2, 2010 by elaina