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Regaining my balance

coloredinks

By coloredinks
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coloredinks Established Member

coloredinks

Posted
Posted

I've decided to turn a new leaf, hence my new name. I'm sure you guys will figure out who I am soon enough.

 

three trains of thoughts:

 

1)

-I have been using dating to distract myself from working on far more important aspects of my life. (Since I hooked up with this guy on Wednesday I lost several days to fretting and fell behind in work.)

-As a result every dating opportunity has become weighted with undue importance, because it I let it sustain my self esteem and happiness

-In turn I act in crazy or anxious and get rejected or strung along

-vicious cycle

 

2)

-I'm attractive enough to attract at least one very desirable guy.

-this means there are others who will like me where he came from, I just need to be patient

 

3)

-this guy is a bad investment because he's emotionally unavailable; any time i invest in him is time that could better be spent working on myself

-i'll hang out with him if he wants to, but mostly as practice and with the possibility of becoming his friend if i decide he's even somebody i want as a friend, which honestly i'm not sure of since he seems like a bit of a dick

-unless he really proves to me that he doesn't want something casual (which i doubt), i'm going to shut down anything physical or romantic with him

 

For the foreseeable future I'm going to stop dating and get my life back together. Lord knows I don't want to be lying on my death bed one day thinking about all I could have accomplished had I not wasted so many years worrying about BOYS. Already disabled my OKCupid account.

 

Wish me luck! :):bunny:

USMCHokie Established Member

USMCHokie

Posted
Posted

Ok then...good luck...I'll be watching you... :laugh:

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coloredinks Established Member

coloredinks

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Ok then...good luck...I'll be watching you... :laugh:

 

I know you will. :) Feel free to slap me if I do something dumb.

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coloredinks Established Member

coloredinks

Posted
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Posted

that's not to say I won't update you guys on what/if anything happens with this guy or any other men I may stumble upon as I seemed to with this one. But I'm going to try to stop the tortured, obsessive analysis. At least for awhile. :):laugh:

USMCHokie Established Member

USMCHokie

Posted
Posted
But I'm going to try to stop the tortured, obsessive analysis. At least for awhile. :):laugh:

 

That would be a good start.

 

 

Feel free to slap me if I do something dumb.

 

Well that goes without saying. :)

SadandConfusedWA Established Member

SadandConfusedWA

Posted
Posted

I had pretty much exactly the same thoughts today :rolleyes:I hope that you don't mind if I reflect in this thread too.

 

I have realized that since I joined OKC, my life basically fell apart. Things at work have been going badly. People have asked me today why I haven't responded to some e-mails. I have not made any progress on my projects in weeks.

 

This is all due to being completely obsessed with dating. I lose DAYS at the time living inside my head and analysing every single word and detail of the guys that I am not even that into. I have been getting sick more frequently. I am not eating properly, nor sleeping, nor exercising, nor really taking care of myself in any way. I am plagued by thoughts of discomfort and unease whatever I do. I am distracted and live in a haze of self-centredness.

 

This has all led me to disable my OKC account today. Enough is enough.

 

Despite all this, the almost 3 month episode of dating different guys has taught me a few things:

 

  • My looks are not the problem. I thought that I am undatable until I lose 20 lbs. I didn't think men could be attracted to me at all. Turns out, I was completely wrong. Plenty of men are attracted to me and not only to my online pictures either. In fact, until I start acting crazy, even hot men want to date me. I don't need to lower my standards there AT ALL.
  • From my last point, all I need to work on is becoming more emotionally balanced. Sure, I would still love to lose 20 lbs, but regaining my emotional composure is the real obstacle to EVERYTHING.
  • I have met someone with whom I had the crazy, unbelievable physical chemistry with. Things didn't work out with him but it IS possible for me. I didn't think I was capable of feeling that again, since I haven't since I was 25. If it happened with him, it will happen again.
  • I have moved on from my feelings for my boss completely. This is pretty huge as I have been tortured with those feelings for the better part of last 4 years (as documented on LS).

I don't really regret much at all. I just can't let myself indulge my neurosis any longer. I need to get back to real life. And it starts now.

SadandConfusedWA Established Member

SadandConfusedWA

Posted
Posted (edited)

BTW funny thing is that my boss had some sort of a nervous breakdown just around the time my dating life took off. This is purely coincedantal but well timed for me. I was not really aware of the extent of this because I have been too self absorbed. I know that he has been off work a lot, I have heard that his wife is seriously ill etc. I had an hour long work related phone call with him a week (or was that 2 weeks?) ago. He ended up talking about his personal life in riddles and he got really emotional, I think he even cried.. He said that he is getting rid off many work projects, that he can't work at the pace he has been working.. He is unhappiest that he has ever been...That he is on anti-depressants..,. he is seeing a psychiatrist... there is no light at the end of the tunnel..

 

I asked him if he is still going to supervise my projects and he replied with "absolutely". However, he has been seriously slacking off.. Today our main head of department called me into his office. I was worried that I am going to get bashed for basically doing next to no work in recent weeks. But as luck would have it, he apologized to me for having to work unsupervised and said that my boss is really becoming "an issue" for them. So I could excuse my recent low performance on my boss...

 

Random work-related luck has always been happening to me. I am feeling somewhat sad at my indifference. He is the man I once thought I was in love with.. He is completly broken and all I can think of is how I can use this to my advantage. I truly couldn't care less if I never saw him again. It's just sad..

 

P.S. I am on my third glass of wine and have the flu from hell so excuse my ramblings...

Edited by SadandConfusedWA
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