AmItheOnlyOne Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 Hi. This just occured to me.. as I sent out some messages on some dating site, usually.. I pass up the ones w/ kids, but as I'm getting older, less desirable j/k.. The obvious was staring me in the face: The single ones (who I'm attracted to) don't respond.. But, a few w/ kids did. I hate thinking that there's some notion the ones w/ kids are more 'desperate' because the good single men don't want them.. that is wrong. But.. isn't it true? And what does that make me if I conciously target them for this reason? A loser right? But, I know women who are like.. intentionally going for divorced men w/ kids for that very reason.
jamesum Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 Women with kids are as desirable as men with kids. There is nothing wrong with going for people with kids but dont do so with the wrong intention.
Rooooob Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 Women with kids tend to be a little more stable, imo. Usually, they have their priorities in order, which I tend to find more attractive. It's not the fact that they have kids, its just the fact that they have their life together. Of course this doesn't apply to ALL women with kids, because I've met some pretty irresponsible, selfish women with kids.
Knittress Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 I hope you're not just considering how to most easily get laid, here - what about the kids? Would you be willing to be a good stepparent?
Author AmItheOnlyOne Posted September 27, 2010 Author Posted September 27, 2010 Well yeah, I actually do feel they're more stable, mature. But, it seems the obvious reason is that they're not going for guys based on looks no more, as that's is why they have the KID and no dad. Well, not all, of course. But, quite a few.. I guess even as dudes we (I) want to feel she's going for me because she's attracted, not just because she "doesn't want to go for those hot guys who are terrible fathers" and then thinks, oh this guy seems nice. But.. I guess my pride wanted to be that guy who got the single girl, and let me be the one to have her baby and see if I'll stick around or not. I never would of thought of dating a woman w/ kids. But I was reminded of all my female friends who seemed to target men w/ kids.. And I assumed it was because they were feeling that they were losing their looks and the young single men w/ no kids wouldn't want them. So it's not as if they truly liked those men w/ kids, they just could get them. But when women do it, it doesn't seem wrong. When I think about doing it, it feels wrong.
Author AmItheOnlyOne Posted September 27, 2010 Author Posted September 27, 2010 I hope you're not just considering how to most easily get laid, here - what about the kids? Would you be willing to be a good stepparent? Not laid.. just, someone to give me a chance really. Honestly... I'd be a good parent/step parent if we really had a natural type of bond... But, I wouldn't if I felt I wasn't good for the kid.
jamesum Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 I personally feel no problem with women with kids. But at the same time I cant help feeling that women with kids who want me want me because no one else wants them. Basically Im just the last choice and its gonna make me sad.
Author AmItheOnlyOne Posted September 27, 2010 Author Posted September 27, 2010 I personally feel no problem with women with kids. But at the same time I cant help feeling that women with kids who want me want me because no one else wants them. Basically Im just the last choice and its gonna make me sad. Right, so you DO have a problem then lol. That's what I'm getting at. There will always be that feeling, that I'm the clean up batter. Get the hot guy to have your baby to pass on the looks genes, get the dork to be a great dad. But, you will never really know this... for all you know, they might'a chosen you too when they were single. But, I suspect not.
that girl Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 But, it seems the obvious reason is that they're not going for guys based on looks no more, as that's is why they have the KID and no dad. Well, not all, of course. But, quite a few.. Lots of women are single mothers without having some terrible romantic past. Sometimes relationships just don't work out. But.. I guess my pride wanted to be that guy who got the single girl, and let me be the one to have her baby and see if I'll stick around or not. Wow, that is a douchey thing to think. Your would take pride in letting a woman wonder whether or not you would run off after she had a kid?
Author AmItheOnlyOne Posted September 27, 2010 Author Posted September 27, 2010 Lots of women are single mothers without having some terrible romantic past. Sometimes relationships just don't work out. Wow, that is a douchey thing to think. Your would take pride in letting a woman wonder whether or not you would run off after she had a kid? NOO!! I mean, LET'S see if it works out. Both. Her or me. Wrong wording grr. I mean, like, I would like to be the one she says, Yes, this is the person I would like to have kids with. The same she did with the first real DOUCHE she had a kid with who ... ohhhh ok. i see now. See, I'm sort of referring to girls I known who, seemed to pick the obviously wrong guy first, to have their kid. My point was.. now she picks me.. the "right" one, but why not the first time around-- because.. he was HOT. So.. thus the.. whole.. whatever Frustration.
irc333 Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 I used to think the same thing, then I started to email single moms (since I'm 38 and of course find yourself a lady who is over 35 and has no kids...very rare...and if they DON'T have kids and never married, well, there's a reason they've been single for so long) I have found single moms to be just as shallow as woman without kids. Hi. This just occured to me.. as I sent out some messages on some dating site, usually.. I pass up the ones w/ kids, but as I'm getting older, less desirable j/k.. The obvious was staring me in the face: The single ones (who I'm attracted to) don't respond.. But, a few w/ kids did. I hate thinking that there's some notion the ones w/ kids are more 'desperate' because the good single men don't want them.. that is wrong. But.. isn't it true? And what does that make me if I conciously target them for this reason? A loser right? But, I know women who are like.. intentionally going for divorced men w/ kids for that very reason.
colliejoanie Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 Soooo, single mom here. I'm on dating sights. I think I'm still pretty attractive, and I pray to GOD that none of the guys I've gone out with or who have contacted me have thought "well, I'll try dating THIS one. She's got a kid, she's desperate". I'm definitely not desperate. I'm looking for a mature, responsible man who is done with partying and who has his crap together. I don't respond to men who are unattractive to me. I respond to the ones I'm physically attracted to and who have a well written, funny profile.....I'm not settling. I know that I'm a much better person because of my daughter. I'm no longer selfish, I don't club hop, I'm financially responsible, I'm much happier because I feel the joy of caring for another person. I think you should let go of your idea that a single mother is somehow damaged. You'd probably double your dating pool, and find that the quality of women might just be a little different.
Eeyore79 Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 I kind of understand how you feel. I don't date men with kids because, quite frankly, I can get men without kids, who I see as a better catch because they don't have the financial or emotional burden of children. Why would I choose a guy with a burden, when I can just as easily get a guy who doesn't have that burden? I'd only settle for a guy with kids if I was unable to get a guy without kids. I don't know if men feel the same way about single mothers, but I'm guessing that some of them do. If I dated a guy with kids, I'd feel like I was settling for second best, and I'd feel like maybe he was also settling for second best because the girls who are the best catches probably wouldn't want him. I still want to believe I'm in that group of desirable women who can get the most desirable men; I don't really want to admit that both he and I have had to settle for second best.
irc333 Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 (edited) I'd only settle for a guy with kids if I was unable to get a guy without kids. In what situation would you find yourself if you were unable to find a guy without kids? Also, how old are you, let's say you were 45, and that age, most people have had been married at least one and have kids, perhaps that'd be the ONLY situation where'd you not find men your age. Age kind of plays a factor here, too. I mean, if you're in your 40's, I think that'd be teh only time you WONT be able to find men without kids I suppose, I know every woman I looked up online, about 90% of them or more above the age of 35 has been marrid at least once with children. Now if you were 20 something, your rolling in single men without kids, as you get older, you tend to change your criteria to accomodate your dating desires. Edited September 27, 2010 by irc333
sanskrit Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 Small children, teenaged and under, are an immense amount of baggage to date around, and though they are the most important thing in the world to her, they are just strangers to you. Women with children are no more nor less likely to be stable nor unstable. It's really a personal thing. The permissive, indulgent way most children are raised in this country drives me nuts, and though I don't dislike children, I don't seek out their company either. So dating single mothers of young children doesn't make sense for me. Do the analysis I just expressed for yourself and whether it's a wise idea for you will become apparent.
taiko Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 What was the Tom Lykis line."Look at your spouse, that is the best you can do". Perfection is the mortal enemy of good enough. If the house won't sell the price is too high. We all have our self imposed version of the best. For one person it might be a virgin of a certain faith, for another it might be a stripper's body. When we are unable to find perfection we start to lower our standards. We give up the virgin requirement then the requirement that she only has my child. We give up the breast implants then accept what our culture defines as fat. We all have a line and as time goes on that bar gets lower and lower or we just spend our lives alone because we are so good that fat mama is not good enough for us and prostitutes, porn and our own hands will do
Philetus Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 Hi. This just occured to me.. as I sent out some messages on some dating site, usually.. I pass up the ones w/ kids, but as I'm getting older, less desirable j/k.. The obvious was staring me in the face: The single ones (who I'm attracted to) don't respond.. Quick question... do you (if you can) list that you have no intention of having kids? A lot of women in the 30-40 year range want to have kids and won't even look at you if you say you don't want them. That may be why you're getting more responses from women with kids. I didn't find women with kids to be more desperate. If anything, they were more careful, selective. The stakes were higher. And what does that make me if I conciously target them for this reason? A loser right? But, I know women who are like.. intentionally going for divorced men w/ kids for that very reason. I don't think it makes you a loser unless your intention is just to have ONS and you're not up front about it. I dated women who liked that I was divorced because it showed that I could commit to someone and knew how to be in a relationship. I was told repeatedly that single men who were older (around 40) were people to be very wary of (in general).
Eeyore79 Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 In what situation would you find yourself if you were unable to find a guy without kids? Now if you were 20 something, your rolling in single men without kids, as you get older, you tend to change your criteria to accomodate your dating desires. I'm 30, and I find that there are a reasonable number of guys in their early 30s who don't have kids. I usually prefer to date younger though, and there are a lot of guys in the 25-30 age range who don't have kids. In other words, I have the option of dating men who don't have kids, so I don't see why I'd choose to take on the burden of a man who does have kids. If I was in my forties and still single, and was unable to find guys without kids, then I'd consider dating guys with kids aged over 18. The kids would no longer be such a financial burden by that age, and contact with his ex would be minimal by that stage. I'd never want to date a guy with kids aged under 18; it's too much expense and hassle.
Stung Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 I'm 30, and I find that there are a reasonable number of guys in their early 30s who don't have kids. I usually prefer to date younger though, and there are a lot of guys in the 25-30 age range who don't have kids. In other words, I have the option of dating men who don't have kids, so I don't see why I'd choose to take on the burden of a man who does have kids. If I was in my forties and still single, and was unable to find guys without kids, then I'd consider dating guys with kids aged over 18. The kids would no longer be such a financial burden by that age, and contact with his ex would be minimal by that stage. I'd never want to date a guy with kids aged under 18; it's too much expense and hassle. Eeyore, obviously you can and should date whomever you want and you should do what you feel comfortable with--but, uh, college is REALLY expensive. Eighteen is often when the price of parenting goes UP, at least financially; it's just the time input that's gone down. OP, if you're targeting women with kids although you think there's something wrong with them and you'll never be able to trust their motivations just because you're desperate, then of course that is wrong. And it would be wrong if the genders were reversed. It's wrong anytime somebody targets somebody else for murky reasons especially when small children are also involved. If you're open to trying on new experiences and situations, if you're simply dating someone to see how it goes and you find them interesting and they happen to have kids, that's not wrong. Who knows, it could blossom into something great. I'm not sure how old you are or where all your assumptions about 'hot guy dads' are coming from, however. If you're talking about women in their early twenties who had unexpected pregnancies and are now struggling with deadbeat dads, maybe I can see where your fear stems from--but I don't know if I'd assume they were just willing to settle for a 'dork' out of desperation. While that's one possibility, you should keep in mind that parenthood can be very centering and maturing, and her tastes might simply have grown up. If you're talking about somewhat older women with kids, divorcees, etc., you've made a pretty giant leap in your thinking. I know dozens of mid-30s divorced women with kids who simply had relationships that didn't work out for a variety of complex and sad reasons. Their ex-husbands are generally good, reliable men and still co-parenting with them, whether they are 'hot' or 'dorky' or the charmingly piquant blend of both that my own husband embodies. One of the things that I found attractive about his personality when we first started dating, btw, was what a great dad he was to his daughter.
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