tigressA Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 C and I had an argument earlier about something that has cropped up repeatedly in our relationship, according to him: my self-centeredness. He feels that I'm very "resistive" and tend to automatically dismiss any advice or criticism that isn't solicited by me instead of giving it proper consideration. When this sort of stuff comes up between us I start wondering if we're really compatible. I think, "I never had arguments like this with past boyfriends. I hardly argued at all with them. Clearly I got along better with them. Why am I bothering with this guy?!" One thing that C asserted awhile back was that perhaps my past dalliances didn't really care. THAT pissed me off. I remember going off on him about that like there was no tomorrow. But after we resolved our argument and said goodnight I remembered that episode, and thought for a minute... Looking back at my past relationships, there were two times when I did the dumping. In both cases, the guys were crazy about me. I was on a pedestal. I could--and did--get away with pretty much anything. It was clear to me that to some degree, they thought I was out of their league. In the other cases, the relationships were short-lived--a few months at the most. We hardly if ever argued, but after not too long I would be dumped, and it always seemed like it was just out of nowhere. It could very well be said that they didn't care enough to bring up issues they had with me, or that they thought I would be too sensitive to criticism. Clearly, they had issues with me if they were dumping me. In the two cases wherein I did the dumping, our lack of arguing didn't necessarily say that we were just more compatible--it was that they were doormats and they didn't want to challenge me out of fear of losing me. C challenges me. We challenge each other. The thing is, it's become more clear to me that I've lived in this bubble for years, insulated from criticism from friends and lovers. I remember getting some criticism about how I act from friends and that I became very, very defensive. I still do this with C. When he points out something he happens to not like, I immediately go on the defensive in my thought process. I think, "We're not compatible, we shouldn't bother trying to be together, he's trying to mold me into his perfect girlfriend, I won't put up with this s*it! F*ck him!" I put all the blame on him before I even bother to think of the other side, and by the time I do consider the other side of things, we've already had another argument. So I'm thinking I need to start keeping in mind that he's not trying to mold me. I need to start seeing these challenges as an opportunity for growth instead of always going on the defensive and seeing myself without fault. Any help here?
Gallaxia Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 If he's not trying to mold you, then the simple fact that you acknowledge it at all, is good. Especially if you want to make the change. Some people are too stubborn and don't give a ####. How does one start though, right? Assess your initial reactions to criticism. What are your immediate actions? Thoughts? Ask yourself why they're your first thoughts. Then move on to what criticism you received the most. Then try to understand why you're being perceived that way or what you're doing to get that observation as opposed to something else. Sometimes what we mean & do, can be two different things.
Author tigressA Posted September 27, 2010 Author Posted September 27, 2010 Then try to understand why you're being perceived that way or what you're doing to get that observation as opposed to something else. Sometimes what we mean & do, can be two different things. Yes, very true. I still struggle with this--being interpreted in a way that comes off as me being rude/self-centered, when that's not my intention at all. I forced myself to see beyond my own "We're just incompatible" argument, and in doing so, was able to see that C is very far from the first person to tell me about any of this. Others in my life have done so, but they haven't done it nearly as forcefully because they were afraid of how I would react to it. People who know me well know that I have a hot temper that flares up badly if I'm angered enough. They've done it in more roundabout ways, to avoid confrontation. C isn't afraid of confrontation. He isn't afraid of me. I know that's a positive change for me; I know it's what I need--someone who actually stands up to me instead of just agreeing with me. Being challenged, and growing, in a relationship is a good thing. It's a good thing in LIFE, period.
Kamille Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 C and I had an argument earlier about something that has cropped up repeatedly in our relationship, according to him: my self-centeredness. He feels that I'm very "resistive" and tend to automatically dismiss any advice or criticism that isn't solicited by me instead of giving it proper consideration. The fact that your "resistive" attitude is termed self-centeredness bothers me. I have had the same exact charges levied against me by ex and ex ex. There were huge control issues in our relationships. I admit, with hindsight that yes, I was overly resistant at times to their criticisms, but that's because... Who the h were they to criticize me in the first place? Things are much smoother with current bf because he accepts me for who I am. He does bring up issues, but not as criticism of me. He brings it up as: "I have these needs and I was hoping we could compromise on xyz" or "when you do this it makes me feel xyz". It's much easier for me to accept and navigate those compromises because I don't feel like I'm being asked to change myself at the cost of my own sense of self. I'm being consulted, not criticized. Bf and I both want the best for the relationship and I feel protected in this relationship, not attacked. So, yes, maybe you're self-centered. Aren't we all to some extent? I mean, who better than you can take care of yourself in your relationship? Methinks bf and you could change how you communicate your needs to each other so that your resistive impulses are less prone to show. How about a compromise? Tell him you recognize that yes you can be resistive to criticism but you're wondering if there are ways you can change how you both communicate your needs so that you don't feel like you're being attacked.
Author tigressA Posted September 27, 2010 Author Posted September 27, 2010 (edited) So, yes, maybe you're self-centered. Aren't we all to some extent? I mean, who better than you can take care of yourself in your relationship? Methinks bf and you could change how you communicate your needs to each other so that your resistive impulses are less prone to show. How about a compromise? Tell him you recognize that yes you can be resistive to criticism but you're wondering if there are ways you can change how you both communicate your needs so that you don't feel like you're being attacked. This is what I've struggled to effectively communicate to him. I can see now that before, I would phrase things in a way that made it seem like I was attacking him right back, and we would never really get anywhere. I do think the primary reason why I become so defensive is because he tends to phrase things like that as a criticism of me. I feel like I've become a lot better in communicating my needs, like when you said "I have these needs and I was hoping we could compromise..." and "When you do this it makes me feel..." It's just in response to things he says that I just become excessively angry and frustrated, and I fail to effectively communicate how it makes me feel, and we can't work together to make things better. Edited September 27, 2010 by tigressA
Author tigressA Posted September 27, 2010 Author Posted September 27, 2010 He just called from work, and we talked. Last night when we were done talking, it was late and I couldn't sleep. I was thinking about everything and I posted a status update on FB saying I was "thinking over a lot of things". He had noticed it this morning and decided to call. I used the time to tell him that yes, I had been thinking, and I told him what you said, Kamille--that yes, I can be resistive to criticism, but there are ways we can change how we communicate so that neither of us feel we're being attacked. I also said that we should try saying "When you do ____ it makes me feel ____" and "I have these needs and I was hoping we could compromise..." in order to minimize personal criticism of each other's actions. I said, "It'll be awhile before we get the hang of it. This kind of change doesn't happen overnight. We'll very likely get into at least a few more arguments. But after some time, if we both work at it, things will be much much smoother." He agreed and said we would talk more later. I like that he's eager to work out issues that we have. He's always been like that. It makes me feel like we're true partners. I don't want to come off tactless by saying this, but sometimes I wonder if the language/cultural thing is a problem that contributes to our lack of mutual understanding. He speaks two languages other than English (Bengali and Hindi), and it didn't take me long to see that his grammar isn't the best. Most of the time I feel like I'm speaking in "plain English", more than easy enough for anyone to understand, but then he'll say he doesn't understand something I've said, and I struggle to simplify it further.
Els Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 I'm sorry to nitpick on an unrelated point, but I have honestly seen very few relationships work long-term, where language was a significant barrier. Unless one partner or both make a huge effort to improve in the other person's language... and even then English is possibly the most difficult language to learn if you haven't acquired it naturally.
Author tigressA Posted September 27, 2010 Author Posted September 27, 2010 It's not really a significant barrier. He is fluent in English. It's just that...I have a certain way of speaking and explaining myself that I'm used to, and sometimes he just "doesn't get it". And I have to think for a little while on how to rephrase so that he does get it. It's not something that is insurmountable; it's just something I'm getting used to.
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