Why do some dumpers stay so angry/hateful?

[Nikki Sahagin]

I know that indifference is the antithesis of love and hate/anger are really just the opposite.

 

My ex holds a lot of anger and hatred towards me, although HE dumped ME and treated me badly towards the end; why do you think this is?

[The-Zen-Warrior]

Nikki :

 

I feel bad for your situation, really I do, I never like to hear when a relationship comes to an end. But in order to better answer your question, the one you asked at the end of your post, in order to do that, I feel that more information is required. How long was the relationship? Did you have a good time during the relationship? How did it start to fall apart? I know you said you got "dumped", why were you dumped? What would your ex hate you? Why would your ex still carry bitterness towards you? And as you said, why did he treat you so badly at the end?

 

If you could give us some more information, something a long the lines of some of those questions up there, we might be able to dive and assist you more!

 

Please post back, L.S. is listening................"keep your chin up"!

[teanoranges]

Some people just aren't happy with themselves.

some people don't know how to be happy...

I am reminded of this every time I go to work and my boss is always complaining about something, always fake, and always just eeerrrr...

There's simply nothing that will change them.

Just be happy you aren't like that and you don't have to spend time with someone like that.

[on edge]

There is no way to know what someone is thinking. There are so many possibilities, but they are not really important. What is important is that you realize that he didn't deserve you and you don't deserve to be treated like that.

[Billie The Puppet]

Defense mechanism, I used it myself with previous ex's, I am trying to do the same with my current but I can't as I am on the dumpee side of the fence.

 

Don't read into it as they should be indifferent, I question my ex why she is still showing emotions as in anger and it only blew up worse.

[LostInTurn]

Defense mechanism, I used it myself with previous ex's, I am trying to do the same with my current but I can't as I am on the dumpee side of the fence.

 

Don't read into it as they should be indifferent, I question my ex why she is still showing emotions as in anger and it only blew up worse.

 

Defense mechanism, how?

[Billie The Puppet]

Defense mechanism, how?

 

Build up hate for the ex so you can move on yourself. If you begin to build up hate for the ex you are no longer inclined to question yourself if the break up was the right thing to do. Eventually it becomes a reality.

 

It's like believing your own lie to the point where it feels real.

[LostInTurn]

Build up hate for the ex so you can move on yourself. If you begin to build up hate for the ex you are no longer inclined to question yourself if the break up was the right thing to do. Eventually it becomes a reality.

 

It's like believing your own lie to the point where it feels real.

 

Wouldn't that eventually backfire? I could lie to myself all day, but it would sneak up on me at moments. We can't run from truth.

[GrayClouds]

I know that indifference is the antithesis of love and hate/anger are really just the opposite.

 

My ex holds a lot of anger and hatred towards me, although HE dumped ME and treated me badly towards the end; why do you think this is?

 

Could it be you tried to hold even after he said it was over refusing to move on and putting yourself and life first?

[desertIslandCactus]

All I know is, after my xH dumped me but good .. incl having our sons and myself removed from our house .. I was told by relatives and our sons that those two (he & new wife) never stopped meanmouthing me..

 

And another one: After Bush took office Hillary started bashing him from the beginning, and never stopped .. even though those two gluttons had had their two terms and were Done (at the time)..

[Billie The Puppet]

Wouldn't that eventually backfire? I could lie to myself all day, but it would sneak up on me at moments. We can't run from truth.

 

For yourself it could backfire, for others it's quite easy. Con men are the greatest liars they will make their lies a reality.

 

What I am saying is an ex with enough mind control will want to find justification for themselves and that will almost always come out of hatred because it's the easiest emotion to control. All they have to do is think about the negatives develop hate and keep that fire burning. I don't like it but it is very easy.

[Ajax]

For yourself it could backfire, for others it's quite easy. Con men are the greatest liars they will make their lies a reality.

 

What I am saying is an ex with enough mind control will want to find justification for themselves and that will almost always come out of hatred because it's the easiest emotion to control. All they have to do is think about the negatives develop hate and keep that fire burning. I don't like it but it is very easy.

 

It may be easy and helpful temporarily, but I don't think it's healthy or bodes well for future relationships.

[Billie The Puppet]

It may be easy and helpful temporarily, but I don't think it's healthy or bodes well for future relationships.

 

I never said it was healthy or how it would effect future relationships, I simply implied why it happens, as a defense mechanism one will build especially if the dumper has constantly been chased since the break up by the dumpee.

 

It really is only a masking agent but it could speed up the process of getting to indifference.

 

It's so easy for a dumper to hit hatred than it is for a dumpee because a dumpee already cares more about the dead relationship than the dumper.

[You Go Girl]

I never said it was healthy or how it would effect future relationships, I simply implied why it happens, as a defense mechanism one will build especially if the dumper has constantly been chased since the break up by the dumpee.

 

It really is only a masking agent but it could speed up the process of getting to indifference.

 

It's so easy for a dumper to hit hatred than it is for a dumpee because a dumpee already cares more about the dead relationship than the dumper.

 

Naw. A dumpee doesn't always care more. A dumper can be heartbroken, it all depends on what transpired. Sometimes a dumper has boundaries, limits, and minimum acceptable standards of conduct. It can still hurt when the dumpee breaks those boundaries that have been discussed over and over and over and over again.

OP--why did your SO leave you? If it was because of behavior of yours that they found unacceptable, that frustration could explain the "hate" you now see--that you refused to change in some way necessary for the relationship to continue.

Edited September 27, 2010 by You Go Girl

[Billie The Puppet]

Naw. A dumpee doesn't always care more. A dumper can be heartbroken, it all depends on what transpired. Sometimes a dumper has boundaries, limits, and minimum acceptable standards of conduct. It can still hurt when the dumpee breaks those boundaries that have been discussed over and over and over and over again.

OP--why did your SO leave you? If it was because of behavior of yours that they found unacceptable, that frustration could explain the "hate" you now see--that you refused to change in some way necessary for the relationship to continue.

 

If the dumpee didn't care more they'd be the dumper it's not to say the dumper doesn't care but the relationship is still dead or in a vegetative state as it could be revived.

[You Go Girl]

If the dumpee didn't care more they'd be the dumper it's not to say the dumper doesn't care but the relationship is still dead or in a vegetative state as it could be revived.

 

You've obviously never been in the torturous position of being with someone who has addiction problems.

[redmelon]

You've obviously never been in the torturous position of being with someone who has addiction problems.

 

Exactly, YGG.

 

Billie - You can't make a sweeping generalization about dumpers feelings, as circumstances can be very different. I can tell you, for one, that I was the dumper, and I've never suffered heartbreak as deep or all encompassing in my lifetime.

Edited September 27, 2010 by redmelon
oopsy

[Billie The Puppet]

Exactly, YGG.

 

Billie - You can't make a sweeping generalization about dumpers feelings, as circumstances can be very different. I can tell you, for one, that I was the dumper, and I've never suffered heartbreak as deep or all encompassing in my lifetime.

 

I didn't say the dumper can not have feelings, My older sister was a dumper and it took her 2 years to get over the one she dumped. I am just stating that the dumper cares less than the dumpee. (The dumpee is the one who got dumped, they obviously don't want to be in that position so they care more)

 

How can I generalize this simple if the dumpee cared less to a point they would be in the position of the dumper the one doing the dumping.

 

I

[redmelon]

maybe sometimes the dumper cares more by ending an unhealthy and toxic relationship. the only thing the dumpee can have that the dumper can't is that initial shock.

[Tayla]

maybe sometimes the dumper cares more by ending an unhealthy and toxic relationship. the only thing the dumpee can have that the dumper can't is that initial shock.

 

True that! and said simplistically!

 

99.9% percent of the time , closure thru acknowledgment is what is necessary to rid the anger or bitterness. Ask anyone who didn't receive that.

Even divorced folks have to deal with their part and move on.

[bboy]

I think one should split things into a minimum of two. Though I guess every relationship is individual.

 

Compatibility issues

I find these ones usually last much shorter than the ones below. A lot of on/off over a period. Sometimes there is a lot of love and passion; however the relationship drains the couple of energy. Eventually one says “enough is enough” and steps away.

 

The dumper justifies the break-up with a lot of hate to cover the emotions, until they no longer have the energy to hate anymore. Often the more the dumper invested emotionally, the more hate shows up.

 

Love spark is gone

In these cases the dumper can feel relief and also relapse into old feelings after the break up. These as far as I know can be patched up, if the couple really wants it. It also can result in desperate need for rebound if the decision is somewhat immature or the dumper being a bit of a coward and has to wait to find someone to fill the void.

 

I rarely hear about dumpers here being mean, hate their ex or so. Mostly kind words coming out about their ex. But they feel sorry for them and have guilt.

 

The thing is:

I find almost everyone I know to go through the Compatibility issues before they reach a normal relationship. Everyone tests boundaries, sees what level of respect and how much trust they must show to their S.O. Some are really good at sorting these things out, others are living “my way”-only. I find those who do the “my-way” have a tendency after crashing 2-3 times to start questioning themselves after some time and realize that they also have to adapt and start communicating. They can also find someone who they can be in charge of, though they don’t want another break up.

[pureinheart]

All I know is, after my xH dumped me but good .. incl having our sons and myself removed from our house .. I was told by relatives and our sons that those two (he & new wife) never stopped meanmouthing me..

 

And another one: After Bush took office Hillary started bashing him from the beginning, and never stopped .. even though those two gluttons had had their two terms and were Done (at the time)..

 

(((((((((((hugs))))))))))), it is very hard to hear what happened to you...your exH and his wife (and I use that term very loosely) were very cold blooded people, may God help them for what they have done. I feel hate right now for both of them, and I rarely feel hate or bitterness...

[ohno89]

I think one should split things into a minimum of two. Though I guess every relationship is individual.

 

Compatibility issues

I find these ones usually last much shorter than the ones below. A lot of on/off over a period. Sometimes there is a lot of love and passion; however the relationship drains the couple of energy. Eventually one says “enough is enough” and steps away.

 

The dumper justifies the break-up with a lot of hate to cover the emotions, until they no longer have the energy to hate anymore. Often the more the dumper invested emotionally, the more hate shows up.

Love spark is gone

In these cases the dumper can feel relief and also relapse into old feelings after the break up. These as far as I know can be patched up, if the couple really wants it. It also can result in desperate need for rebound if the decision is somewhat immature or the dumper being a bit of a coward and has to wait to find someone to fill the void.

I rarely hear about dumpers here being mean, hate their ex or so. Mostly kind words coming out about their ex. But they feel sorry for them and have guilt.

 

Either you know my own R with my ex very well or these incompatible R's are a lot more common than I thought it was! Combined with a little from the second one as well unfortunately! Good insight.