Am I immature?

[Thornton]

I posted before about my bf hanging out with his ex, taking her to lunch and dinner, letting her stay over at his house after nights out, etc. He also wasn't a perfect bf in other ways - he never said he loved me or acted in a loving way, if I said something romantic he ignored it, he sometimes said nasty things, he he didn't give me little thoughtful presents like I did for him, he didn't cook me dinner like I did for him, he didn't make the effort to call me, etc. One huge problem was that whenever I was upset, he would get annoyed about me being upset and daring to criticise him, instead of actually caring that I was upset and trying to make things better... so then I'd end up apologising to him, even though he was the one who upset me in the first place!

 

So I dumped him, despite the fact that I really cared about him. I mean, if he's not in love with me (which he admitted he isn't) and he makes me miserable, then what's the point? Whether I love him is irrelevant if he doesn't love me back and isn't even that nice to me any more.

 

He kept saying he was really hurt, though he didn't cry or anything, and I think it's more that his ego was hurt. But he keeps saying that I'm childish and immature, and I'm not sure whether I am... if I am, obviously I need to address it!

 

He thinks I'm childish for being upset about him hanging out with his ex. According to him, normal adults can maintain a friendship when a relationship ends, and I'm immature and petty because I didn't like him seeing his ex, and because I don't want to stay friends with him now we've split up. Apparently his ex doesn't have a problem with me, and her new bf doesn't have a problem with him, so I'm the only one who's too immature to handle it. But I don't think it's unreasonable to expect my bf to not have contact with past sexual partners, and not to maintain inappropriately intimate friendships when he's dating me. I also don't think it's unreasonable for me to cut him off for the benefit of future partners, both his and mine. I don't even know why he wants to remain friends.

 

He also thinks I'm immature because I didn't want to continue our relationship and try to fix things. It clearly didn't work, and he wasn't considerate towards me, so I don't want to fix it. I don't see how he expects me to continue when he's admitted that he doesn't love me. He said he felt that he could grow to love me if I tried harder - am I totally wrong for saying "to hell with that!" ? I don't see why I should hang around and continue having sex with him on the off-chance that he might love me some day. I'm sure there are loads of men out there who would be overjoyed to be with me, who would feel privileged to love me instead of it being a chore.

 

Apparently him not loving me is my fault, because I moaned about my problems at work, expecting him to be supportive. He says this put him off talking to me and becoming more intimate because I was a pain. That sounds totally stupid to me... if you care about someone, you want to support them, and having work problems doesn't prevent you from loving someone. Am I totally crazy for thinking this isn't a reasonable excuse for him not loving me?

[naya1]

he wants to have his cake and eat it too. dont be friends with him..friends dont do that to each other. just ignore him ..the easiest way to get over him is to find a new obsession. be it a hobby, game, new job, new friends..

i know its easier said than done but u dont really need that crap in your life. imagine living like that for the next 6 years. why would u stay with a guy who said he doesnt love u, or hes not in love with u? hes just stringing u along ..dont let him.

[Thornton]

He says he cares about me but isn't "in love" with me. This is apparently my fault, since he's been "in love" with ex-gfs before. Supposedly my moaning about my job put him off getting closer to me and spending more time with me, so he never fell in love with me, though he thinks he might if I try harder!

 

Call me crazy, but I think he should be supportive of my troubles at work, not backing off from me. It's not like I talked about nothing else 24/7; it sounds like an excuse for not loving me but continuing to date so he can continue to get whatever he's getting out of the relationship.

 

Once he realised I wasn't going to change my mind about breaking up, he switched to wanting to be friends, and "maybe with a bit of space we can try again once you've calmed down" (i.e. he thinks I'll miss him and then take him back so he can continue doing what he was doing before). He didn't send flowers, or cry, or make any real effort to stop me from dumping him. He obviously doesn't really care about me - he's very selfish and only cares about himself, so I'm well rid of him.

 

Still, I don't know if I'm being immature by refusing to be friends, and because I didn't like him seeing his ex? Am I in the wrong here on that particular score?