He Disappeared. Then Returned. Where to go from here?

[Katrina65]

Looking for some advice.

 

I really liked this guy--we had fantastic chemistry both mentally and physically. We texted nonstop back and forth for about a month. Then we met up. We became physical and it was, as we both agreed, really great. I was fine with a FWB or more...I just enjoyed him as a person.

 

After sex, he became super distant. The first few days after being physical, he stopped texting as much as before--he mentioned something about being afraid he couldn't provide what I needed, and that he wasn't in a place to get serious and that his life was all messed up at the moment and was sorry for dragging me into it. He wouldn't explain what was making his life a mess. I let him know I wasn't asking for anything serious from him at this time, and he apologized for assuming maybe I'd wanted more. A few days later, he completely ceased contact for over a month.

 

It was hurtful being ignored like that without any explanation after he'd come on so strong the month prior, but hey, we didn't have any obligation to one another or any expectations as we weren't committed or anything. So, I just moved on.

 

What surprises me most though, is now, about a month and a half after he backed away, he starts messaging me again, saying he's been thinking of me and missing me, wondering if I've missed him, and wants to reconnect and get together again.

 

My feelings for him are not as strong anymore, as I've lost a lot of trust in him when he just dropped off the face of the planet with no explanation. My heart is kind of guarded and I feel cautious about getting closer to him.

 

I also hear, we teach people how to treat us. I don't want to be a nag, and tell him that his actions hurt my feelings. But at the same time, I feel it's rewarding him to just put on a happy face, chat with him again, acting like nothing ever happened. I'd like to talk with him again, but fear this whole disappearing act will happen again as soon as I show interest.

 

Any advice on setting boundaries, holding him accountable, teaching him what I won't tolerate without freaking him out and making him disappear? Any suggestions on how I should behave at this time? Dos? Dont's? I hear guys and girls see the world very differently...and I don't know what behavior would be the best to practice at this time to be open to getting to know him better, without causing him to disappear again.

 

And why would a guy return a month and a half later? Is he just horny again and looking for sex? Just making sure I'm still interested in him? I'd rather get to know him better, and take things slowly, knowing that he may just run away again without notice. Taking things more slowly would probably protect my heart better.

 

I'd appreciate any advice you have from your own experiences as to how to take it from here!

[atlnay]

My advice for setting boundaries and protecting yourself is to always always ALWAYS have clear honest and direct communication.

 

Were it me and he just reappeared, like you I would be emotionally distant and a little leery. I'd cautiously talk to him and the very first face to face we have, even if we were FWB, this will have to be in a public ish setting or at least let him know upfront we won't be kicking it till we clear up a few things and set the tone from that conversation.

 

But first, you need to be clear about what you want in your life at this moment. Do you want him back? If so, in what capacity? And is he a guy you want to have a relationship with at some point? Or does this FWB have an expiration date?

 

After you do that for yourself, you'll have surer footing when you have the friendly conversation with him and based on what you truly want and how he handles the conversation, you'll know if he is someone who should still be in your life or you may get closure. Good luck to you!

[sugarmomma]

He will probably have even less respect for you if you allow him back in your life. I would waste a bit of time on someone who could do something so thoughtless after you've slept with him. You didn't make him disappear. He's just a jerk that likes doing disappearing acts.

 

Don't fall for it. Find someone more mature that doesn't feel a need to go around abandoning people.

 

He will do it again.

[TigerCub]

He wouldn't explain what was making his life a mess.

 

That's because there's nothing to explain. It was all BS to tell you that he's not going to be dating you.

 

I let him know I wasn't asking for anything serious from him at this time,

Then he thought you'd be ok with just being his FB, but I don't think he was totally convinced, so he made sure to send you a message by ignoring you for over a month.

 

I also hear, we teach people how to treat us.

That's very true, and if you give him the time of day, he's going to learn that he can treat you like crap and you'll still waste your time on him.

 

Honestly Katrina, I am sorry that a guy you liked turned out to be a douche, but if you actually let him back into your life, he's not going to treat you well.

 

This guy slept with you and ignored you afterwards. If you actually talk to him like all is well, and hang out with him, he's going to think that its perfectly fine to treat you like a meaningless bimbo.

 

I know that you said you're ok with the FWB situation, but from your post, its obvious that you have higher hopes for this guy - that's not gonna turn out well.

 

Also, any of the FWB people I've been with, never treated me like that, we still talked once in a while - no one ignored me for a month.

It was still a "relationship" were although it was mainly about sex, there is still a certain level of courtesy and respect.

[shadowplay]

As one of our regular users often says: "LAUNCH!"

[CLC2008]

Looking for some advice.

 

I really liked this guy--we had fantastic chemistry both mentally and physically. We texted nonstop back and forth for about a month. Then we met up. We became physical and it was, as we both agreed, really great. I was fine with a FWB or more...I just enjoyed him as a person.

 

After sex, he became super distant. The first few days after being physical, he stopped texting as much as before--he mentioned something about being afraid he couldn't provide what I needed, and that he wasn't in a place to get serious and that his life was all messed up at the moment and was sorry for dragging me into it. He wouldn't explain what was making his life a mess. I let him know I wasn't asking for anything serious from him at this time, and he apologized for assuming maybe I'd wanted more. A few days later, he completely ceased contact for over a month.

 

It was hurtful being ignored like that without any explanation after he'd come on so strong the month prior, but hey, we didn't have any obligation to one another or any expectations as we weren't committed or anything. So, I just moved on.

 

What surprises me most though, is now, about a month and a half after he backed away, he starts messaging me again, saying he's been thinking of me and missing me, wondering if I've missed him, and wants to reconnect and get together again.

 

My feelings for him are not as strong anymore, as I've lost a lot of trust in him when he just dropped off the face of the planet with no explanation. My heart is kind of guarded and I feel cautious about getting closer to him.

 

I also hear, we teach people how to treat us. I don't want to be a nag, and tell him that his actions hurt my feelings. But at the same time, I feel it's rewarding him to just put on a happy face, chat with him again, acting like nothing ever happened. I'd like to talk with him again, but fear this whole disappearing act will happen again as soon as I show interest.

 

Any advice on setting boundaries, holding him accountable, teaching him what I won't tolerate without freaking him out and making him disappear? Any suggestions on how I should behave at this time? Dos? Dont's? I hear guys and girls see the world very differently...and I don't know what behavior would be the best to practice at this time to be open to getting to know him better, without causing him to disappear again.

 

And why would a guy return a month and a half later? Is he just horny again and looking for sex? Just making sure I'm still interested in him? I'd rather get to know him better, and take things slowly, knowing that he may just run away again without notice. Taking things more slowly would probably protect my heart better.

 

I'd appreciate any advice you have from your own experiences as to how to take it from here!

 

It is hurtful.

 

But, he was truthful with you, when it was finally prompted and it doesn't sound like you are okay with it.

 

What is it that you want relationship wise? That's the question you need to ask yourself. Are you okay with keeping things casual and nothing more? After being abandoned? After being told that he doesn't want anything "serious".

 

Figure that out first. Before you hand over an ounce of YOUR own emotional investment...

[tami-chan]

Looking for some advice.

 

I really liked this guy--we had fantastic chemistry both mentally and physically. We texted nonstop back and forth for about a month. Then we met up. We became physical and it was, as we both agreed, really great. I was fine with a FWB or more...I just enjoyed him as a person.

 

After sex, he became super distant. The first few days after being physical, he stopped texting as much as before--he mentioned something about being afraid he couldn't provide what I needed, and that he wasn't in a place to get serious and that his life was all messed up at the moment and was sorry for dragging me into it. He wouldn't explain what was making his life a mess. I let him know I wasn't asking for anything serious from him at this time, and he apologized for assuming maybe I'd wanted more. A few days later, he completely ceased contact for over a month.

 

It was hurtful being ignored like that without any explanation after he'd come on so strong the month prior, but hey, we didn't have any obligation to one another or any expectations as we weren't committed or anything. So, I just moved on.

 

What surprises me most though, is now, about a month and a half after he backed away, he starts messaging me again, saying he's been thinking of me and missing me, wondering if I've missed him, and wants to reconnect and get together again.

 

My feelings for him are not as strong anymore, as I've lost a lot of trust in him when he just dropped off the face of the planet with no explanation. My heart is kind of guarded and I feel cautious about getting closer to him.

 

I also hear, we teach people how to treat us. I don't want to be a nag, and tell him that his actions hurt my feelings. But at the same time, I feel it's rewarding him to just put on a happy face, chat with him again, acting like nothing ever happened. I'd like to talk with him again, but fear this whole disappearing act will happen again as soon as I show interest.

 

Any advice on setting boundaries, holding him accountable, teaching him what I won't tolerate without freaking him out and making him disappear? Any suggestions on how I should behave at this time? Dos? Dont's? I hear guys and girls see the world very differently...and I don't know what behavior would be the best to practice at this time to be open to getting to know him better, without causing him to disappear again.

 

And why would a guy return a month and a half later? Is he just horny again and looking for sex? Just making sure I'm still interested in him? I'd rather get to know him better, and take things slowly, knowing that he may just run away again without notice. Taking things more slowly would probably protect my heart better.

 

I'd appreciate any advice you have from your own experiences as to how to take it from here!

 

I understand this. You kind of wonder why he even started when he obviously couldn't hang....seems very unfair. But we really cannot fault people for trying and hoping that maybe-just maybe this might work...and then realizing it won't and then disappearing. Sometimes things are just that-touch and go, trial and error. That is why basing a relationship on emotion or something intangible as "chemistry":rolleyes:...is imho, not smart because these things are fleeting-impractical...

 

If you like him, get to know him better. Go out with him, learn more about him-allow him to learn more about you-tell him how you felt when you guys stopped communicating. Maybe you would end up being lifelong friends if not together.