Cee Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 A guy I dated three times sent a rejection email. I'm pissed. And want to write a nasty email. Please yell at me & explain that NC is the way to go. Tell me to delete this guy for good. Thanks LS. Glad you've got my back.
carhill Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 Up to you on the e-mail. I definitely know the emotional impetus for such an e-mail (in my case, at a much younger age, letter) and can't say I've ever seen a positive outcome from acting on those emotions. Hope you can work it out
GorillaTheater Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 In my job I have the opportunity to get pissed off at someone on a semi-regular basis (it's a confrontational line of work). My rule is to go ahead and write a response, emotion and all, and then sit on it for at least 24 hours. In almost all cases, I then either tone it down or chunk it all together. Same thing might work for you in this case.
carhill Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 Yeah, I have a 'drafts' folder on my e-mail account and it's quite enlightening to go back and read the last 13 years worth of unsent e-mails. It's like a journal of sorts.
tigressA Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 I agree with GT. Write it all out, then sit on it for awhile. It's likely you'll decide not to send it, and you'll have had an outlet. You could just write it here in this thread, too.
Star Gazer Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 At least you got an email! Plenty of people just go "poof!" after three dates... I know I'm guilty of doing it myself. (I haven't in a long time though!!) In all honesty, I don't think he owed you much more than an email (maybe a phone call?) given that it was only three dates. But I wasn't on those dates, so I don't know what expectations you had as a result of them (he could have been leading you on to think you were on the path to a relationship, etc.). Having been in the position to rattle off a nastygram in response (and done so ) to an email rejection, I fully agree with GT. Get that emotion out (even here, if need be!) but don't send it. In fact, don't respond at all. Silence will cut deeper.
Kamille Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 A classy lady always accepts rejection with grace. If you must send an email, tell him you enjoyed getting to know him and that you wish him well in the future. Plus, it feels good to make them think you weren't so into them that you're hurt by the rejection.
Star Gazer Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 If you must send an email, tell him you enjoyed getting to know him and that you wish him well in the future. Plus, it feels good to make them think you weren't so into them that you're hurt by the rejection. Good point. But... (and you may like this, or you may not ) I did this once, and it made the guy come back, right away. I wasn't sure why. Was he interested because he felt rejected because I acted like I didn't care (ego, bad)? Was he interested because I handled it with class and he found another trait he liked about me (good)? Would I carry around that initial rejection with me if we did date again and kill any chance we had (yes )? This is why I vote silence. Either way, there are tons more guys out there to date!
elaina Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 In my job I have the opportunity to get pissed off at someone on a semi-regular basis (it's a confrontational line of work). My rule is to go ahead and write a response, emotion and all, and then sit on it for at least 24 hours. In almost all cases, I then either tone it down or chunk it all together. Same thing might work for you in this case. Hello GorillaTheater, That's a great idea in the work place for me too wow thank you!
SadandConfusedWA Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 At least he respected you enough to e-mail you after 3 dates. My guy just went poof. I would kill for a rejection e-mail. Every day I hope for one but all I get is silence. Count your blessings. Out of curiosity what did he write?
GorillaTheater Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 Hello GorillaTheater, That's a great idea in the work place for me too wow thank you! Hello Elaina. You're welcome.
Kamille Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 Good point. But... (and you may like this, or you may not ) I did this once, and it made the guy come back, right away. I wasn't sure why. Was he interested because he felt rejected because I acted like I didn't care (ego, bad)? Was he interested because I handled it with class and he found another trait he liked about me (good)? Would I carry around that initial rejection with me if we did date again and kill any chance we had (yes )? Same here. I've taken handling rejection gracefully in my twenties and I can't tell you how often those guys come back. Could be within the week, could be years later. I think reject-ers are thrown off by graceful rejections. Which is precisely why I love them so much. I would never take back somewhat who has already disqualified me. But I really don't understand why dumpers have a tendency to re-evaluate their decisions after a graceful acceptance of their rejection.
Star Gazer Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 At least he respected you enough to e-mail you after 3 dates. My guy just went poof. I would kill for a rejection e-mail. How did he go poof, when you have plans for TUESDAY??
GooseChaser Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 The question is, would you WANT to date someone who had rejected you if they came back?
Star Gazer Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 The question is, would you WANT to date someone who had rejected you if they came back? Logically, no. But the heart and the head sometimes don't speak the same language.
Jeff M Stevens Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 Cee, You'll feel better for a moment and then realized you lowered yourself to his level and then feel worse about yourself because you know you're a better person than that. I say that the best revenge is living well. Put him in your rear view mirror and find a guy that will make you forget he was even in your life.
Ruby Slippers Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 I totally agree with Kamille's suggestions. If your graceful acceptance brings him back around, you telling him you're not interested will just be the cherry on top.
Gattica Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 I have done the email thing before and I can't say I regret doing so, but I wouldn't do it if faced with a similar situation. It wasn't a horribly emotional email, but I let him know that I felt disrespected. He had been leading me on and when I responded in a positive manner to him "wanting a relationship" with me, he decided he no longer wanted anything but sex.
shadowplay Posted September 25, 2010 Posted September 25, 2010 At least he respected you enough to e-mail you after 3 dates. My guy just went poof. I would kill for a rejection e-mail. Every day I hope for one but all I get is silence. Count your blessings. Out of curiosity what did he write? What??? What makes you think he lost interest?
SadandConfusedWA Posted September 25, 2010 Posted September 25, 2010 I have a really bad feeling about his lack of contact.... just a strong gut feeling that I will never see him agian. But anyway, no guy has ever respected me enough to even bother with rejecting me officially. I was always either strung along for ages or they just abandoned completly with no explanation. Hence my fears when there are long delays in contact - it never ends well. Don't want to threadjack with my s%it though.
sanskrit Posted September 25, 2010 Posted September 25, 2010 This guy did you a favor. He could have set you up as a plan B, cultivated you as a booty call or little black book entry, but did not and did the honest, stand-up thing instead showing integrity and compassion. Learn to distinguish and appreciate people doing the right thing even if it wasn't what you wanted to hear.
whichwayisup Posted September 25, 2010 Posted September 25, 2010 Who cares? After 3 dates how much time did you really invest in this guy? Why send a revenge email? He will probably think you're dramatic and slightly crazy. Don't let your ego (hurt) get in the way here. It sucks to be rejected, even more so through email. Obviously this guy isn't worth your time since he didn't have the balls to call you, he wimped out and emailed instead. Why waste energy on a guy who isn't interested anymore. There are other fish in the sea!
Author Cee Posted September 25, 2010 Author Posted September 25, 2010 Thanks for your advice everybody. I appreciate those who talked about me writing a draft and then sitting on it for 24 hours. Ok, SadandConfused, here's some backstory on why the email pissed me off: His rejection email was poorly written and self-centered. It started with a rant about how busy he was over the weekend. And then he said, "That's not it. I've been thinking about us and I don't want it to continue." His final line in the email was that he had to get back to work and his lousy weekend. His email was a response to an email I sent sharing some information about a big thing that was happening in the neighborhood we both live in. I broached the topic of plans, but in a general way. So I stewed over his rude email (not rude b/c he dumped me, but because it was dashed off and barely coherent) and I sent a reply the next day. I wrote a thoughtful, brief, and friendly email wishing him well. I was careful that the letter was coherent and well-written. Basically, I tried to kill him with kindness. But in no way did I express I had any interest. Now, I'm going to work on forgetting that he ever existed.
SadandConfusedWA Posted September 25, 2010 Posted September 25, 2010 That IS pretty lame. It's always better to take the high road. An angry e-mail would make him feel like he has really hurt you and this would give him an ego boost. I am also having trouble getting past 3 dates it seems and am sick of all the dating BS. I am more content without the stress of it.
shadowplay Posted September 25, 2010 Posted September 25, 2010 Cee, You'll feel better for a moment and then realized you lowered yourself to his level and then feel worse about yourself because you know you're a better person than that. I say that the best revenge is living well. Put him in your rear view mirror and find a guy that will make you forget he was even in your life. I like that idea and agree. Your best view of him is in the rear view mirror!
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