Wasting my time?

[SecretSquirrel]

I initially joined this site for two reasons, one: curiosity about other peoples' relationship problems and how they communicate, and two: slightly discontent for a seemingly bad reason with my relationship.

 

I started posting here (5 or 6 months ago) because my BF is constantly talking about marriage, and telling me he can't wait to marry me and have kids with me, and we even went to look at rings once, months ago. On our anniversary we went out for dinner at the restaurant where we had our first date, and he gave this huge long speech (which is summarized in another thread) and I was completely sure that he was going to ask me to marry him. He didn't.

 

I'm not overly anxious to get married, in and of itself. If someone asked me if I wanted to get married right now, or soon, I would say whatever.

 

I am, however, getting anxious that he is always talking this way, and it appears to be just that - all talk. We haven't been dating so long that I'm really upset it hasn't happened yet, but I am getting nervous that he talks so much. I'm worried that I'm going to end up wasting my time.

 

Would this bother you?

[Arbitrariness]

Sorry for the obvious comment, but surely communication is the key? If you want to marry this guy someday, then surely he should know as much. If you guys both want different things, then it may well be a dealbreaker for both of you.

 

Would it bother me if a girl often talked about marriage and kids, f**k yeh, but i'm not at a stage in my life where i want either and i'd make sure that she knew this.

[SecretSquirrel]

My OP is a little ambiguous. I DO want to marry him, and if he asked me I would say yes. I just meant that I'm not dying to get married and would say yes to anyone who asked me. I want to marry HIM. We haven't been dating for 5 years of our adult lives, so I'm not asking if I'm wasting my time because we've been together so long and he hasn't asked.

 

We have been dating for a couple/few years though, and we are at the point in our relationship when people who want to get married take steps in that direction. He TALKS about it all the time, but in the last 6 months has not made any moves.

 

As far as communication:

 

He knows that I want to marry him and would say yes.

 

I have brought up to him the fact that he had made me feel a proposal was imminent, and I am disappointed that he made me feel this way when that was not the case. I don't really remember his response to this, TBH. It was pretty neutral.

 

Since the conversation he still says that he wants to get married, have kids with me, etc., but now the emphasis seems to be more heavy on having kids, and we have not looked at rings again, he has had an opportunity to talk to my dad (which he said he wanted to do before getting engaged), which I don't believe he took, and he has not looked at rings on his own.

 

He is always saying that he wants to have babies with me, and he would have one right now (and yes is in a financial situation to do so). Without going into too much detail, the other day he was joking about having a baby, and I thought it was obvious I was joking back, given the circumstances. I said something about how bad does he want one, and he said he was at 76% now, and would be at 100% in 5 years. Well if he's not at 100% now, why talk the way he does?

 

I'm not at 100% either, so I feel like it shouldn't bother me that he talks this way, but it does, because he talks like he's 100% on board, but apparently it's all jokes. So am I wasting my time?

Edited September 24, 2010 by SecretSquirrel

[SecretSquirrel]

Also, I am in my late 20s, and he is in his mid-30s.

[Arbitrariness]

You have to let him know that you are serious about marriage. If you are not willing to accept the possibility that you may never get married with this a guy, you need to force him to man up. Plant seeds of doubt and basically let him know that you will not wait forever. If your unhappy with your current situation, then you will have to play a bit of hardball.

 

I'm not going to advocate that you leave him or suggest time apart, but it is an option. Depending on whether you know if he will call your bluff. Hope some of this helps, goodluck

[SecretSquirrel]

You have to let him know that you are serious about marriage. If you are not willing to accept the possibility that you may never get married with this a guy, you need to force him to man up. Plant seeds of doubt and basically let him know that you will not wait forever. If your unhappy with your current situation, then you will have to play a bit of hardball.

 

I'm not going to advocate that you leave him or suggest time apart, but it is an option. Depending on whether you know if he will call your bluff. Hope some of this helps, goodluck

Thanks for your advice. I have recently started spending less time with him, not as a conscious decision to make him propose or miss me or anything.

 

I'm happy with the relationship itself, and not necessarily looking to get married right now, which is why I wonder if I'm being a little silly about this. But since I do want to marry him one day, I'm a little uncertain how wise this is, since he talks like he wants to get married right now (which is fine with me, I would say yes, I'm just not in a rush myself), when obviously that isn't the case, given his actions.

Edited September 24, 2010 by SecretSquirrel

[Cee]

Marriage is a serious business so I think it's great that you are have serious talks about finances, career paths, home buying, geographic preferences, children, etc.

 

I think the concept of "popping the question" is an out-of-date ritual because marriage is an important mutual decision, not something the guy thinks about on his own & then buys a ring.

 

I think it's fine to say that you feel ready to get engaged and see how he feels about that.

[SecretSquirrel]

Marriage is a serious business so I think it's great that you are have serious talks about finances, career paths, home buying, geographic preferences, children, etc.

 

I think the concept of "popping the question" is an out-of-date ritual because marriage is an important mutual decision, not something the guy thinks about on his own & then buys a ring.

 

I think it's fine to say that you feel ready to get engaged and see how he feels about that.

I guess my issue is that we have already discussed everything under the sun, months ago. Months ago, he let ME know that he is ready to get engaged/married. I agreed. So why hasn't he taken any concrete steps in that direction?

 

He keeps saying things like "In a year, when we're married...", and it's actually starting to make me really annoyed, because obviously at this point, in a year we WON'T be married.

 

I feel like he tells me one thing, but it's not how he really feels. I've asked him about it, and he continues to say that this is how he feels.

 

The actions aren't there, though. He had an opportunity to talk to my dad and he didn't take it. After we initially looked at rings he never looked again or brought it up again, or asked me what I liked or anything. He has tens of thousands of dollars in savings - more than enough to buy a ring. Instead, he's been talking about a project he wants to work on that will blow his entire savings.

 

I actually feel like crying now, thinking about it. I'm feeling a little sorry for myself for some reason.

[Cee]

Hmm, let me see.

 

Sometimes people get stuck in indecision and delay taking an action step. He's seems to be in that spot. I had a girlfriend like that. She waffled about moving in with a guy for 2 long years. He put up with it. Because she really loved him, she finally made a decision and they've been happily married for 5 years.

 

Since you said that you are fine getting engage now or waiting till later, you can drop the subject. If he brings it up, you can suggest that you not talk about for a while. Suggest that he talk to his friends or family about his thoughts on marriage. He can process with them and spare you the anticipation.

 

Maybe if you don't let him drone on and on about marriage, maybe he'll get off his butt and so something about it.

[carhill]

When men want something, they *act* in a way which achieves their goal.

 

Re-read the OP's initial thread on LS, member's responses, and compare to six months later.

 

Time marches on.

[SecretSquirrel]

When men want something, they *act* in a way which achieves their goal.

 

Re-read the OP's initial thread on LS, member's responses, and compare to six months later.

 

Time marches on.

 

I just re-read it myself...wow, that was depressing Nothing's changed in 6 months except we went to look at rings once.

 

To the above poster, he does talk to pretty much everyone about all this bull**** - friends, family members, co-workers. Just this week he was telling me about how he was talking to a couple of his older co-workers about what kind of wedding "we" want

[CLC2008]

It could be for a number of reasons. He might not be sure you're the one, he might still want to get his school and/or finances in order, he's not ready yet to give up his freedom. But, just because he may not be ready to get married, doesnt necessarily mean he is not committed to you and your relationship.

 

Hope it works out.

[carhill]

As a comparison, when I proposed to my now ex-wife, the only other person who knew was the guy whose Christmas party it was where I dressed up as Santa for the kids. He knew who the last person that night would be to sit on Santa's lap and why. Actions. He was a long-ago boyfriend from her teen years who had supported our relationship wholeheartedly.

 

Even though I'm now nearly divorced (waiting on that seal from the court), I don't see that methodology changing in the least. The main difference is that the marriage taught me to accept the red flags I see during the courtship process and act on them accordingly. I hope that for you. I chose to ignore things which would come back later to bite me in the ass as a married person. Next time I'll choose differently and more healthily. That's my advice to you. Good luck

[SecretSquirrel]

It could be for a number of reasons. He might not be sure you're the one, he might still want to get his school and/or finances in order, he's not ready yet to give up his freedom. But, just because he may not be ready to get married, doesnt necessarily mean he is not committed to you and your relationship.

 

Hope it works out.

It's definitely not school or finances - he has a great career, is a homeowner, makes plenty of money, the only debt he has is a mortgage, lots of savings, etc. He's been out of school for over 10 years.

 

Could be the other reasons. It's very frustrating to hear that he is ready to settle down, when he clearly doesn't want to, or so it seems to me.

 

As a comparison, when I proposed to my now ex-wife, the only other person who knew was the guy whose Christmas party it was where I dressed up as Santa for the kids. He knew who the last person that night would be to sit on Santa's lap and why. Actions. He was a long-ago boyfriend from her teen years who had supported our relationship wholeheartedly.

 

Even though I'm now nearly divorced (waiting on that seal from the court), I don't see that methodology changing in the least. The main difference is that the marriage taught me to accept the red flags I see during the courtship process and act on them accordingly. I hope that for you. I chose to ignore things which would come back later to bite me in the ass as a married person. Next time I'll choose differently and more healthily. That's my advice to you. Good luck

 

Probably the best advice I could possibly get, but not the easiest to take!

[CLC2008]

I don't doubt that it must be frustrating, not to mention, hurtful. I think since this has been an ongoing source of uncertainty for quite some time, and he continues to drag his feet while giving you a sense of false reassurance, if I were in your shoes, I would simply tell him that you would prefer he NOT discuss marriage with you, unless he is serious about it.

 

Serious means, that he actually proposes.

 

Everything else, is just fluff.

 

You don't want him to feel like he is being pushed into something he doesn't want to do, but at the same time, your feelings are pushed aside until he figures things out. It's a hard spot to be in.

[carhill]

OP, refresh my memory.... have you begun cohabiting with him? I recall you mentioning he wanted to cohabit before getting engaged, or something to that effect....

[SecretSquirrel]

OP, refresh my memory.... have you begun cohabiting with him? I recall you mentioning he wanted to cohabit before getting engaged, or something to that effect....

 

We are in a situation now where I might as well be living with him, because I am over every single day, with the exception of recently I have been spending more time/nights at my own place.

[eerie_reverie]

Is he a procrastinator? It could be that he just hasn't gotten the ring yet and decided on HOW to propose.

 

Or it could be that he's not sure about YOU. Some men can have long-term relationships involving co-habbing and even babies without ever committing to forever. If that's the case, I don't see it changing anytime soon.

[carhill]

OK, here's an interesting question (to me). Who do you think cares the least and has that been consistent throughout? What prevents him from being over at your place? I recall, during my courtship, we 'switched off' when the relationship had progressed to spending nights over at each other's homes. I found that to be balanced interest and effort. What's your perspective on this and how does it align with your overall feeling about his progress towards marriage?

 

Lastly, since you say you're essentially living with him, would you say that you're seeing essentially the same person in him as when you were dating only and living completely separately? Many LS'ers who advocate co-habitation before marriage do so based on this presumption, that one can only truly know another by living with them daily. Does your experience support this and does that perspective weigh upon the current marital delay dynamic? FTR, I am not in favor of premarital cohabitation and didn't/won't do it myself, but am always interested in other perspectives.

[that girl]

Have you said something, joking or serious, that points out the difference between his words and his actions?

 

Something like "Married in a year? Dude you better go buy a ring if you want to be married in a year."

[SecretSquirrel]

OK, here's an interesting question (to me). Who do you think cares the least and has that been consistent throughout? What prevents him from being over at your place? I recall, during my courtship, we 'switched off' when the relationship had progressed to spending nights over at each other's homes. I found that to be balanced interest and effort. What's your perspective on this and how does it align with your overall feeling about his progress towards marriage?

I suppose I feel like I care more, and that this has probably been consistent throughout our relationship; though lately I am starting to care less, which is supported by my actions, I think. The way he talks, anyone listening would assume he is the one who cares more, but going by actions, that is not the case.

 

He initially came over to my place, though not as often as I went to his. While part of me doesn't blame him for this, as getting to my place is a huge pain in the butt, and is smaller and less comfortable than his place, the other part of me (especially when I'm feeling bitter, like now) thinks WTH, a real man would've made more effort, and thinks he's lazy and just wants everything to be convenient.

 

Lately I'm thinking that I've been making too many excuses for bad or uncaring behavior.

 

Lastly, since you say you're essentially living with him, would you say that you're seeing essentially the same person in him as when you were dating only and living completely separately? Many LS'ers who advocate co-habitation before marriage do so based on this presumption, that one can only truly know another by living with them daily. Does your experience support this and does that perspective weigh upon the current marital delay dynamic? FTR, I am not in favor of premarital cohabitation and didn't/won't do it myself, but am always interested in other perspectives.

 

I'm not a huge fan of cohabitation either, and am kind of disappointed in myself for putting myself into this situation. I haven't lived with anyone else before, so I don't have anything to compare this experience to. After living with him for a period of time, I think that he is the same person he always has been, but that I am more willing to leave.

 

It's not that living with him is terrible, or that we are incompatible or anything like that. But I guess in my opinion, you date, get married for life, unless there are serious issues, and once you are married you deal with the day-to-day things that maybe aren't your favorite thing. But I guess this experience has confirmed for me that I don't see the point in pretending at marriage.

[SecretSquirrel]

Have you said something, joking or serious, that points out the difference between his words and his actions?

 

Something like "Married in a year? Dude you better go buy a ring if you want to be married in a year."

 

Yup. He either gets "offended" that I don't believe him or jokes back.

[SecretSquirrel]

I feel like by living together, he has stopped "dating" me, but IMO you're not supposed to stop dating until you get married. That might be a better way of responding to Carhill's last question. That's what I was getting at, but didn't state very well.

[carhill]

OP, can you invite him over to your place and, in positive words, tell him what you want and a timeline for that to happen? Do you see the value in clearly expressing your wants, without fear or anxiety, and how that process imbues your emotional state positively, even if he does not agree or has another perspective? Some might say that's 'pushy' and they may be right, and it may be the wrong way to 'get' him, but at some point, someone has to put the rubber to the road, and at least you would do it with clarity and lack of ambiguity. Personally, I'd respect a woman for that. YMMV. Good luck

[SecretSquirrel]

OP, can you invite him over to your place and, in positive words, tell him what you want and a timeline for that to happen? Do you see the value in clearly expressing your wants, without fear or anxiety, and how that process imbues your emotional state positively, even if he does not agree or has another perspective? Some might say that's 'pushy' and they may be right, and it may be the wrong way to 'get' him, but at some point, someone has to put the rubber to the road, and at least you would do it with clarity and lack of ambiguity. Personally, I'd respect a woman for that. YMMV. Good luck

 

I didn't exactly follow your advice, but I wish I was the kind of person who would do that.

 

I did bring it up to him, in a sort of roundabout way, and he said within the next 6 months I could expect a proposal.

 

I don't know if I believe him, and feel like I should be mentally preparing myself to leave if that doesn't happen. I just think that he doesn't need to save for a ring or anything like that, and living together first was one of his prerequisites that I don't share, so IMO a proposal should be coming faster than I otherwise might expect. Before "moving in" we saw each other pretty much daily, and after "moving in" he got to see what it would be like to be married to me for several months. So I don't understand what the delay is. Again though, I really don't freaking understand why people think they need to fake being married, unless it's because they want to trick women into sticking around without that kind of commitment.