eerie_reverie Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 (edited) For the last couple of years, I've been forcing myself to grow thicker skin. Toughen up, stop being so damned indulgent with my feelings. Well, in a writing class today, one of the prompts was, "Describe someone close to you using sensory detail," and I realized my skin's now so thick, it's been years since anything's touched me on the inside. Immediately my mind zoomed on my ex-boyfriend... a guy I dated in college, who broke my heart back when I had one; someone I haven't seen in 3 years, my memory of whom's worn threadbare. I wrote, "His eyes were like darks pools of ink." WTF. I don't remember his eyes. I just remember describing them that way to someone years ago, when I still missed him. I thought, "What about a close friend??" But I don't have any. I have lived in my current apartment for more than a year and have not had a single visitor aside from my recent ex-bf. My mom? She lives in another state. I see her a few times a year. One's mother is an odd person to pick for a 10-minute description, anyway. My boss??? I racked my brain for imagery. He's muscular and bald and.... purposeful. I like his eyes but they're not a particularly distinct shade of brown. Sometimes his breath smells like he's kind of dehydrated, but I like it. In the end, I squeezed out a couple of lines about the recent ex-bf. We dated for almost a year, but it took me about 2 days to move on: not a single tear shed, a single memory revistited. At least I had seen him naked; I could knowledgeably write about his calloused hands, rippling muscles, and how his whiskey breath turned me on. I'm proud to have overhauled my entire personality, but I think it's time to try to let some people in. Edited September 24, 2010 by eerie_reverie
shadowplay Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 I think you should put your OKC profile back up and just date a few guys casually. It would help with some of your issues.
Author eerie_reverie Posted September 24, 2010 Author Posted September 24, 2010 I think you should put your OKC profile back up and just date a few guys casually. It would help with some of your issues. Naw. I honestly have zero interest in dating.
shadowplay Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 Naw. I honestly have zero interest in dating. shrug. Well then maybe just focus on yourself. But I think when you feel ready, it would be a great way of meeting new people. You sound kind of isolated, and you don't seem to have made strong connections with people who have much in common with you.
Author eerie_reverie Posted September 24, 2010 Author Posted September 24, 2010 shrug. Well then maybe just focus on yourself. But I think when you feel ready, it would be a great way of meeting new people. You sound kind of isolated, and you don't seem to have made strong connections with people who have much in common with you. I think I need to find another job. Maybe not in an entirely different field, but at least in a more scenic location than Corporate Park, Suburbia, which has lately been taking me 4 hours to commute back and forth to. It's those 4 hours a day of listening to "American Mattress!!!" commercials on the radio that's killing me. No wonder I'm not interested in dating, or even making new friends.
shadowplay Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 (edited) I think I need to find another job. Maybe not in an entirely different field, but at least in a more scenic location than Corporate Park, Suburbia, which has lately been taking me 4 hours to commute back and forth to. It's those 4 hours a day of listening to "American Mattress!!!" commercials on the radio that's killing me. No wonder I'm not interested in dating, or even making new friends. I think you need an entirely different field, and yes, a change of scene. Move to NY! Trial by fire. Right now you're getting smothered in pillows. Edited September 24, 2010 by shadowplay
SadandConfusedWA Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 I have a vague job offer in NYC once my contract here is up (the end of next year) I might see you guys there lol
Author eerie_reverie Posted September 24, 2010 Author Posted September 24, 2010 Bahaha. I bet I could find a job in NYC. I bet I'd like its urban-ness. But I'd probably hate its self-selection.
shadowplay Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 Bahaha. I bet I could find a job in NYC. I bet I'd like its urban-ness. But I'd probably hate its self-selection. Whatevs. There are enough people that you can find plenty you like amid the garbage.
shadowplay Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 I have a vague job offer in NYC once my contract here is up (the end of next year) I might see you guys there lol :bunny:......!
SadandConfusedWA Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 I know what you mean about intimacy issues. If I had to describe someone close to me, I also wouldn't have anyone. I thnk this is partly (for me) because I hold parts of me back with pretty much everyone. I sense what people are about and what they would like and then I "act" the part. This works and makes me more popular but at the expense of feeling that I am not really connecting. I generally act happier, more optimistic and more confident that I really am. I hide darker side of my personality... It's also almost like I build some resentment because I know people wouldn't really accept me for who I am fully. I have few friends that I have known for years and they have all commented that there is a sense of detachment about me. I am not being delusional either. I have spent my late teens alone and with no friends until I have mastered the skill of acting and pretending to be somone I am not. Someone that fits in and is well liked. Sometimes with guys, physical/sexual attraction would fool me into thinking that I am more connected than I am. I can get hooked on this type of attraction while still not really connecting on an emotional level.
TaurusTerp Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 For the last couple of years, I've been forcing myself to grow thicker skin. Toughen up, stop being so damned indulgent with my feelings. Well, in a writing class today, one of the prompts was, "Describe someone close to you using sensory detail," and I realized my skin's now so thick, it's been years since anything's touched me on the inside. Immediately my mind zoomed on my ex-boyfriend... a guy I dated in college, who broke my heart back when I had one; someone I haven't seen in 3 years, my memory of whom's worn threadbare. I wrote, "His eyes were like darks pools of ink." WTF. I don't remember his eyes. I just remember describing them that way to someone years ago, when I still missed him. I thought, "What about a close friend??" But I don't have any. I have lived in my current apartment for more than a year and have not had a single visitor aside from my recent ex-bf. My mom? She lives in another state. I see her a few times a year. One's mother is an odd person to pick for a 10-minute description, anyway. My boss??? I racked my brain for imagery. He's muscular and bald and.... purposeful. I like his eyes but they're not a particularly distinct shade of brown. Sometimes his breath smells like he's kind of dehydrated, but I like it. In the end, I squeezed out a couple of lines about the recent ex-bf. We dated for almost a year, but it took me about 2 days to move on: not a single tear shed, a single memory revistited. At least I had seen him naked; I could knowledgeably write about his calloused hands, rippling muscles, and how his whiskey breath turned me on. I'm proud to have overhauled my entire personality, but I think it's time to try to let some people in. This was quite beautiful, in its own way. Bahaha. I bet I could find a job in NYC. I bet I'd like its urban-ness. But I'd probably hate its self-selection. There are people from all walks of life in NYC. Visit once or twice...I could never live there because I hate the subway and the dirtiness of the city, but if you can handle the "urbanness" there's nowhere I'd rather live. I know what you mean about intimacy issues. If I had to describe someone close to me, I also wouldn't have anyone. I thnk this is partly (for me) because I hold parts of me back with pretty much everyone. I sense what people are about and what they would like and then I "act" the part. This works and makes me more popular but at the expense of feeling that I am not really connecting. I generally act happier, more optimistic and more confident that I really am. I hide darker side of my personality... It's also almost like I build some resentment because I know people wouldn't really accept me for who I am fully. I have few friends that I have known for years and they have all commented that there is a sense of detachment about me. I am not being delusional either. I have spent my late teens alone and with no friends until I have mastered the skill of acting and pretending to be somone I am not. Someone that fits in and is well liked. Sometimes with guys, physical/sexual attraction would fool me into thinking that I am more connected than I am. I can get hooked on this type of attraction while still not really connecting on an emotional level. Wow, I didn't realize it until you articulated it, but I really feel this way too. I think I recognized from a young age that I have the mindset of a sociopath and have always done my best to cover it up to the point where I can almost convince myself that I'm emotionally connected with people. I have a lot of friends, but I feel like only one or two of them know the real me and even then only superficially. The thing is, I've had relationships that lasted for a year, gliding through because I know exact what buttons to press and what to do to in order to charm women and keep them interested. But there's always a huge disconnect that I always feel is there. I'm not really capable of empathy, and I don't think I've really felt guilt. If you want to hear what's really ****ed up...I'm a medical resident. And I score higher than almost all of my classmates/fellow residents in bedside manner/empathy/patient interaction. And it's all fake.
shadowplay Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 Wow, I didn't realize it until you articulated it, but I really feel this way too. I think I recognized from a young age that I have the mindset of a sociopath and have always done my best to cover it up to the point where I can almost convince myself that I'm emotionally connected with people. I have a lot of friends, but I feel like only one or two of them know the real me and even then only superficially. The thing is, I've had relationships that lasted for a year, gliding through because I know exact what buttons to press and what to do to in order to charm women and keep them interested. But there's always a huge disconnect that I always feel is there. I'm not really capable of empathy, and I don't think I've really felt guilt. I've felt this way at my bleakest, but really I think it varies with my mood. I go through periods of emptiness where I feel like I'm incapable of love. But then it passes and I'm suddenly filled with empathy.
SadandConfusedWA Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 I've felt this way at my bleakest, but really I think it varies with my mood. I go through periods of emptiness where I feel like I'm incapable of love. But then it passes and I'm suddenly filled with empathy. I was attracted to nihilistic literature for a while but then I realized that it's only f.cuking me up even more.
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