ChrisMc Posted September 23, 2010 Posted September 23, 2010 This is where I am, and I can't decide if it's a healthy place to be. The logical side of me says no way it can be. Me and my ex broke up about 10 weeks ago. It was a very intense, two year relationship that (I thought) was leading to marriage and kids. She was my first real love. I am 27, she is 20, so obviously that played a part. We just drifted apart, and the truth is, the last couple months, neither of us put in much effort or were that happy. But I wanted to try and mak it work, she didn't. She wanted to be a part on a "break" find herself", the oldest cliche besides "it's not you, it's me". I didn't exactly accept it, and despite her saying she wanted space, did just about the opposite, making all the classic mistakes (constant calls, flowers, promises to change, etc.). She stopped calling, I finally had to do the same, and we haven't had any communication since I poured my heart out in one last email, in a hail mary type pass that obviously didn't work since she did not reply. She never did tell me it's 100% over, but all her actions told me it was. It's about 6 weeks since I came to the realization it's over, and have gone through all the obvious stages. Anger, sadness, depression, relief. I have been with other women, some of whom I care about at least on a platonic level, others who I will never see again (not promoting this course of action, by the way). And yet, here I am, still madly in love with a girl I haven't spoke to in about a month and a half. A girl who broke my heart and did so without much care despite all I did for her. I really don't see a day where I won't be in love with her. Am I being short sighted? Is it still too soon? Is it even healthy to be in love with someone who you're not with? Can you move on and be with someone else in a productive way if your heart still belongs to someone else?
fabio10 Posted September 23, 2010 Posted September 23, 2010 hey man, my girl dumped me about 2months ago, Im 27 and she is 23 quite similar to you and I feel the same as you its a very good question I will always love this girl and I wish her happiness but I also wish myself the same so I accept that we are over now and our paths are different for the forseeable future but I will always love her and I accept that as for that being a problem loving another in the future I dont think it will aslong as you aint in constant contact with ex at the same time !
Billie The Puppet Posted September 23, 2010 Posted September 23, 2010 3 weeks NC 8 weeks Broken Up This thread feels like I wrote it My girl 26 (Aug 8th) and I am 25 (Mar 21), Marriage was discussed and I was ready to propose within a year (was going to do it Aug 7th but we hit a first snag that we made through and I thought it would come off too soon) The plan was proposal in Italy (July of '11) which may just be another reason why I am hung up on her, because I had finally something romantic planned. My mother says I may just be in love with the idea of proposing, being engaged and not her, however I don't think I will be this hurt. I even have a date lined up with a former crush of mine that my ex knows I have had a thing for, It's a hockey game in which my ex will also be in attendance and yet I feel this crush even if I had a chance with wouldn't make retribution of the love I have lost.
witabix Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 Is it even healthy to be in love with someone who you're not with? Can you move on and be with someone else in a productive way if your heart still belongs to someone else? I think the short answer to that is no and no. You will find it impossible to share yourself with someone else fully, they will pick up on it sooner or later. I was in a relationship with someone like that, my most recent ex, and it tears you apart when you realise what has happened. It can lead to an incredibly painful situation for you and any new SO you find. Your new SO will feel utterly betrayed. Everything you say and do with a new partner will seem like it was a lie to them. You have to either get this person out of your system before you start a new R or live with unrequited love for the rest of your days. Don't use someone else to do the getting over bit with either, its just not fair to play with someone else's heart that way.
shayan Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 hahaha, give it time and the love will subside, I promise it always does, are hearts take a while to let go and heal (it's because they are damn strong). Please you will come out of this phase I promise, I promise, I promise.
Gdunkman Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 hey man, my girl dumped me about 2months ago, Im 27 and she is 23 I'm a bit confused fabio, because I am 27 as well, my ex is 23 and she dumped me around 2 months ago. To be exact she gave me a hint she will dump me 4 months ago when she moved from our place
fabio10 Posted September 25, 2010 Posted September 25, 2010 Gdunkman, tell me your story or give me a link to your story Im far from a expert but this site will help you and is helping me Im far from the finish line but Im getting there my personal fav guru on here is Don HO he gives blunt advice that hits you like a fish in the face at first to knock your tinted glasses off and .....then bomb ...you start to see the light bro hit me with a link and I'l give you my point of view....right now I really think women dont know what they want until they are at least 25 I know there are some exceptions but overall I think this is the case hollywood and sex and the city have tinted their minds with BS.....
Ajax Posted September 25, 2010 Posted September 25, 2010 right now I really think women dont know what they want until they are at least 25 . Heh, my ex broke up with me 2 weeks after she turned 25 because she said she was depressed and "needed to find herself." She had just told me she loved me before her B-Day, and I ended up going all out for it. Really wanted to knock her socks off. I just found out that she now just wants to go on "dates." So I guess she found herself, other people, and someone else will be knocking her socks off.
Gdunkman Posted September 25, 2010 Posted September 25, 2010 Here is my story fabio: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t243421/ I had a thought that she behaves sex and the city style as well. I can not get how could the girl who was so proud of our relations, who was choosing a wedding dress for some months just before our breakup, who was looking at me, her and our dog in the mirror and said "we are real family" all the time, how could she change her mind so quickly and go for dates with many guys?
HoldingPatterns Posted September 25, 2010 Posted September 25, 2010 Older guys Younger girls. Sorry Gentleman. My ex is 21 i'm 26. She ripped my heart out and stepped on it than torched it than ate it! During our 2 years, she showed alot of Maturity, talking of Marriage and the like. Let me tell you, young chicks don't know anything apart from sex, infatuation, and the game. It's like they read a step by step guide on how to destroy a guy. My ex made me feel so special. When we broke up she said it was a "break" to just be her for a little bit. 1 week later NEW GUY! 1 month later MADLY IN LOVE WITH NEW GUY "BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO HER" now this is a girl that said she would like to marry me and have my kids at the tender age of 21. I will always love her. I will always hate her.
mickleb Posted September 25, 2010 Posted September 25, 2010 What silliness I see here! Of course it's unhealthy to believe you will always be in love with someone who hurt you. Where's your self-respect? It's also absurd to blame the problem on women under 25, Sex and The City and 'older guys and younger girls'. Sheesh! Try looking internally to solve your problems. It's the non-lazy way to happiness: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t233232/ x
ohno89 Posted September 25, 2010 Posted September 25, 2010 ChrisMc - I think you need to really distinguish between loving someone and being in love with someone. I don't know you, don't know a great deal about your R or you're break-up but I can pretty much promise you that you will not be IN love with this woman for the rest of your life. You need to stop thinking that you will and that's just how life's gonna be form now on because it's not; you really need to start thinking the opposite - like yes, you were/still are in love with this woman but it's not gonna last forever and there are other, better, more suitable women out there for you. Take care.
onthebrinkofitall Posted September 25, 2010 Posted September 25, 2010 Where is everyone's sense of romanticism? Personally, I believe that you can be in love with someone throughout your entire life.. and still have relationships with other people. I have been in love with my STBXH for almost 8 years.. however, I have children with someone else. I dated my kids' dad for nearly 3 years and I loved him dearly while I was with him. All the while I was still in love with my ex (STBXH). First loves are so very tricky. You give a part of yourself to them.. so it's silly to think that you could love anyone the same way again.. you don't have it to give anymore. That doesn't mean that future relationships are destined to doom. It just means that someone else will always have a little piece of your heart. It doesn't mean that you don't have any love to give.. you just don't have as much as you did before. Watch Love in the Time of Cholera. I know it's just a movie.. but there's truth to it. I'm not saying to pine away over your ex for the rest of your life but some people just take a part of you.. and you have no control over the matter, despite what all the self-help books and therapists say. It's not unhealthy if you don't allow it to run your life. Good luck!
mickleb Posted September 25, 2010 Posted September 25, 2010 Where is everyone's sense of romanticism? Personally, I believe that you can be in love with someone throughout your entire life.. and still have relationships with other people. I have been in love with my STBXH for almost 8 years.. however, I have children with someone else. I dated my kids' dad for nearly 3 years and I loved him dearly while I was with him. All the while I was still in love with my ex (STBXH). First loves are so very tricky. You give a part of yourself to them.. so it's silly to think that you could love anyone the same way again.. you don't have it to give anymore. That doesn't mean that future relationships are destined to doom. It just means that someone else will always have a little piece of your heart. It doesn't mean that you don't have any love to give.. you just don't have as much as you did before. Watch Love in the Time of Cholera. I know it's just a movie.. but there's truth to it. I'm not saying to pine away over your ex for the rest of your life but some people just take a part of you.. and you have no control over the matter, despite what all the self-help books and therapists say. It's not unhealthy if you don't allow it to run your life. Good luck! What's wrong with being in love with someone who feels the same way about you? That's my idea of romance.. x
onthebrinkofitall Posted September 26, 2010 Posted September 26, 2010 What's wrong with being in love with someone who feels the same way about you? That's my idea of romance.. x And that's a really great feeling. But you can't help who you're in love with.. or if you can, that's a skill I have yet to master. I don't know how to just switch my feelings off because someone has stopped loving me.
Chrome Barracuda Posted September 26, 2010 Posted September 26, 2010 First loves, are meant to fade. Holding on to those memories holds you back from finding new love. Or even if your in a great relationship hose former feelings will hinder and destroy what you got going on. My advice is to detach and let go. If there comes a time when oh are both single and wiser fine. But holding on to the past in his case is the worst thing you can do.
mickleb Posted September 26, 2010 Posted September 26, 2010 And that's a really great feeling. But you can't help who you're in love with.. or if you can, that's a skill I have yet to master. I don't know how to just switch my feelings off because someone has stopped loving me. I used to feel the same way as you. I was in love with one guy for 5 years after we split up (that's almost three times the length of the relationship we had). I've recently learnt that skill you have yet to discover. I'm very pleased about that. The Journey From Heartbreak To Connection helped me a lot, as did understanding passive commitmentphobia and posts on here, especially TaraMaiden's. It's not like a light switch. It takes a good deal of practise but is it a good thing to learn? To be able to let go of someone who has hurt us deeply, who no longer wants to be with us? I think so. But, as with most things, it can't be learnt unless you want to learn it. x
on edge Posted September 26, 2010 Posted September 26, 2010 Yes. By the way that you posed the question, it seems like you already knew the answer.
You Go Girl Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 In my semi-wise state of 47 years, I think I might know a thing or two, yet still be foolish! There are people you know for a year or two, and they will fade with time. There are people that you are with for longer periods of time, and you will love them forever. You might not think about them for an entire week at times. But you will never stop loving the people you have truly loved in your adult life. If you could, it would have been false love. Doesn't mean you have heartbreak anymore. Just means that you loved them then, and you always will.
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