Insecure About Having Sex For the First Time

[mari47]

Hi all,

 

So I've been dating my boyfriend for 10 months and we love each other very much. I'm a virgin but the longer we're together the more I start to feel "ready". I think that in a few more months I will be. The thing is, I don't know why, but I feel really insecure about it. My boyfriend isn't a virgin.. I wish that he was because I do get jealous thinking about his past. Anyway, basically I get anxious because I'm afraid he'll think that I'm bad at sex and it will make him think of his past experiences and I won't compare or something. The other girl was experienced, and he didn't love her, it was just sex but still. I don't really know what to do! I can't have sex while I'm feeling this way.

[USMCHokie]

I don't really know what to do! I can't have sex while I'm feeling this way.

 

Simple solution: stop feeling this way.

 

Seriously...I was a late bloomer in the dating and sex department, so every girl I've ever dated has been significantly more experienced than me...at the beginning of my first real relationship last year, I was very insecure and jealous about my ex's past and became almost passive aggressive about it...making her feel like a girl with "loose morals" or something...

 

You know how I fixed it? I simply pulled my head from out of my ass and realized that sex happens...so who gives a crap...? As long as he doesn't have STDs to give to you, it doesn't matter who he's been with or how good or bad his past experiences have been. What matters is that he's with you now and doesn't want anyone else.

 

And wow...10 months huh...? Your boyfriend is a stronger man than I...

[xpaperxcutx]

Hokie, you have to look at it from the girls' perspective, given that females and males have completely different organs, I wouldn't dish out simple advices like " just get it over with!" .

 

OP how old are you?

 

I lost my virginity when I was 18, but I never really give it much over thought as far as my body went, but I did trust my then ex- bf enough to give up my virginity to him.

 

I don't really know alot of people who regretted their first time, but ultimately it really does come down to whether you're absolutely certain you're ready to lose it. And it's all the more important to whom you lose it to, because face it, you will always remember your first time.

 

Oh, and everybody has their insecurities. If he's the experienced one, he should be aware that he needs to be gentle with you. And after the first time, if you love sex, you'll be wanting it all the time and soon enough you'll master the techniques.

Edited September 22, 2010 by xpaperxcutx

[mari47]

Thanks for the advice,I know I need to just get over it.

 

I am 22! So yeah, I'm old enough. Sex is something I've really wanted to hold off on until I've found the right person. I felt like my boyfriend was the right person but then a lot of anxiety and insecurities got in the way, hence why I'm waiting longer until I feel totally comfortable.

[USMCHokie]

Hokie, you have to look at it from the girls' perspective, given that females and males have completely different organs, I wouldn't dish out simple advices like " just get it over with!" .

 

I was addressing OP's insecurity with her boyfriend's past sexual encounters, not the issue of giving up her virginity...

 

But for the matter I addressed, it is that simple...

[xpaperxcutx]

Thanks for the advice,I know I need to just get over it.

 

I am 22! So yeah, I'm old enough. Sex is something I've really wanted to hold off on until I've found the right person. I felt like my boyfriend was the right person but then a lot of anxiety and insecurities got in the way, hence why I'm waiting longer until I feel totally comfortable.

 

As far as insecurities go, I would consider yours the jitters. It's alright! Anything the first time around will always cause anxiety. If it will ease you any, I suggest your first time be done in a romantic setting. Nothing too fancy of course, but scented lavender candles will always help. And even then, if you feel nervous, tell your bf! Don't be afraid to speak your mind. Tell him to guide you on what to do, and what positions to get into. I'm certain he's a sweetheart and won't rush into like a caveman. And as far as exes go, your bf is with you, not the ex. Afterall, you guys are close to one year together. 10 months can say alot about a guy.

[CLC2008]

Empowerment Tips: Understanding Feelings

 

Myth # 4: Feelings Are Not Important.

 

Many people try to not feel. In many cultures, people especially men, are taught not to feel sadness, fear, vulnerability, and tenderness. Part of the currently popular “Be Strong” attitude incorporates the rule “don’t feel”. A traditional male role model would never complain, never show pain, be tough as nails climbing over every adversity dragging his guts along behind him through the dirt to a hero’s welcome. (Another myth: a dead guy as hero).

 

Such an attitude may be helpful under certain life threatening situations, or for exceptional and specific duration limited high performance requirements such as extreme sports. But for the rest of us for most of our lives, taking this strategy is unnecessarily harsh, stressful and medically ill advised. Feelings are like tastes and smells. They add depth to our human experience and when based on reality as described above, emotions provide excellent data about the present situation. Stuffing fear does not serve us. Fear could be a warning of danger.

 

Swallowing grief does not serve us. Grief could be a notification of loss. Ignoring love and tenderness does not serve us. Feelings of love can identify who and what is important to us. Covering up loneliness doesn’t serve us. Loneliness could be saying that relationships are important.

 

So feelings are important. They’re important aspects of our experience as human beings.

 

[mari47]

Thank you Xpaperxcutx I do get pretty nervous about it because I want to so bad but on the other hand I get anxious, insecure, and downright nervous about it all. I don't know if I should be feeling that way for it to be "right"..it makes me feel conflicted..but i DO love him and i DO want to have that experience with him so....

 

CLC Do you mean my feelings may be warning me of something?

[durkadurka]

I have no better thing to say then, give each other feedback.

[tman666]

I have no better thing to say then, give each other feedback.

 

As simplified as this is, I think this is really what it comes down to. Talk about your feelings about the subject very openly and on multiple occasions. You also need to realize the importance of communication during sex. This doesn't mean that you guys have to have some sort of conversation while in the act (don't rely on spoken words), but he should be striving to interpret your signals, as you should his. Don't "lie" and give off false signals of what you think you're supposed to be doing or what you think is supposed to feel good. Just be honest with the way you interact. I know this sounds vague, but you'll understand.

 

I really do think that sex can be a higher form of communication between a couple. It's not going to happen on the first try or probably even the 10th try, but if you guys are really into each other, fireworks will probably happen eventually.

 

In all likelihood, your first time will probably be a little clumsy, probably not feel all that great, and may be a little scary. You'll get through it.

[terra]

Hey Mari,

It's great that you are waiting out until you are ready. Are you communicating your insecurities with your man? He may be able to help in that department.

I was a late bloomer when I lost my virginity and my boyfriend had had plenty of ladies before me.

It took me a while to become comfortable and confident when it came to sex but it really didn't matter that he was experienced - if anything it probably helped. He knew what he was doing so it made it less awkward.

I would talk to your man and communicate how you are feeling. Everyone has been a virgin at one point.

[tman666]

By the way, Terra, on your avatar: great movie.