Bothered by my girlfriend's past

[partyofme]

Hi everybody,

 

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

 

So here goes: I've recently entered a relationship. I absolutely love the girl and we are great together. We're having a great time always, the sex is awesome, and our lives are going in parallel directions. It's healthy in just about every way. She tells me that I'm the best bf she's had and that she's never been happier.

 

Now here's the problem: I am really feeling bothered by my gf's past. Not only bothered. It sickens me. It drags me down. When I'm with her, it's not that important, but when we're apart, I feel very strongly about it, and it makes me lose respect for her. I see her as dirty, somehow.

 

Now here are the facts: I've been intimate with 4 girls including her. I'm her 5th or so. So this is similar, the number is not bothering me. However, her experiences have been more extensive than mine, i.e. there is about nothing she hasn't done in bed (99% of what you saw in porn vids, she did). In my experiences, I have been a little more conservative, although if given the opportunity, I might have done the exact same things she did.

 

So it's not that I see what she did as "bad", it's really that I'm bothered that she has done them with others than me in the past. Also, recently, she asked me in bed to be rougher, to spank her etc... Essentially, she loves to be submissive in bed, and has learned to love habits that turned her exs on. Most of her exs treated her like trash, they were players. So anyway: each time she asks me something like this, I come to think that she learned that behavior with another guy, some douche. That and other things. Other guys did things to her that I won't do (like anal), I'm just not into that. The sum of it makes her look, in my mind, as dirty...

 

I'm torn in this. I love the girl, she is everything I could have hoped for. But since we got intimate, and the details/habits from her past emerged, I've been thinking about these things more and more, and I don't want them to drag me down any longer.

 

I understand that I must choose a few things. Foremost: do I want to change my beliefs? Second: if not, am I ready to accept this?

 

I'm writing this here in the hope of seeing how you guys and girls would react. What do you think?

 

Thanks.

[Lady vs Panda]

You said yourself you'd do the exact same things as her if given the opportunity, what does that make you? And, hey, now you have the opportunity, right? But you're badmouthing her instead?

 

It's fine to decide you're incompatible with her. It's arrogant and hypocritical to think you're better than her, and she's "dirty", for doing things you want to do too.

[partyofme]

You said yourself you'd do the exact same things as her if given the opportunity, what does that make you? And, hey, now you have the opportunity, right? But you're badmouthing her instead?

 

It's fine to decide you're incompatible with her. It's arrogant and hypocritical to think you're better than her, and she's "dirty", for doing things you want to do too.

 

Thanks for the reply! Maybe I need a reality check, keep them coming people

[Lemontang]

A persons past is just that, it's written in stone and no one can change that. It's what one does with their past that determines the future. She's the person you love now because of how her past has shaped her. If she'd had a different past she may be a totally different person and the eventual circumstances to how you met or hooked up may never have happened.

 

The long and the short of it is she's with you period and hasn't judged your past.

 

Sure she may have been with some trash before you, but sometimes you have to rifle through the trash to find that winning lottery ticket.

 

To put it in perspective, a girl I'm openly dating now has 3 kids and her estranged husband is a drug addict. Coupled with that she's bi, had a rough upbringing and some very liberal sexual experiences (yep I'm talking group girl on girl stuff, plus a lot more), and the funny thing is other than the estranged drug addict husband whom is not her fault and can't help, the rest doesn't bother me because it's in the past and she's put it all behind her.

 

Anyway hope the above help put things in line for you.

[mari47]

Hi,

 

So I'm a girl and my situation is different because I'm still a virgin, but I've been there where I've been really jealous of my boyfriend's past. The thing is is i love him so much and the thought of him being with someone else just tears me up. So yeah..we haven't had sex yet so I can't really identify with all the sexual stuff you've talked about but here is some heartfelt advice I can give:

 

I don't know if you would rather date a virgin, there's not too many out there, but since you aren't one I don't think it's really fair to expect that from a girl. I would love to date a virgin but I am also a virgin.

 

That aside,

 

I KNOW how hard it can be to overcome being bothered by the past. It is overwhelming and the worst part is that there is NOTHING you can do to change it no matter what we do. But realize this, the past is gone. The present is all we have.

 

You say that you love this girl and she is all that you could have hoped for. LOVE is what is important. She may not have been yours always but she is yours NOW and she's not thinking of anyone else and she doesn't want anyone else anymore. And don't think that she does something with you because of what she did with someone else. She's doing it with you because it turns her on to be with YOU and that's what she wants to do with YOU. Maybe you should try to focus on having some slow, passionate sex and "making love" since you guys love each other, focus on connecting through sex instead of just getting your rocks off and focusing on what other dudes have done with her before. But hey, I'm a virgin, so I dunno.

 

But seriously. I understand. It hurts me so much to think of where my boyfriend has been. But just think of how much it would hurt to lose her and think of who would come AFTER you.

 

Above all, give it time. For me, it took a long time and I still struggle with it but it gets easier every day.

[Dazzel]

You too said you'd do the same things as she did, so this seems to be like a double standard and hypocrisy on your part, no offense.

 

To me, it sounds like jealousy. But she's with you and happy, right? So worry about the future, not the past. You can't change what happened then but what happens from now one is all yours.

[Westy]

Hi everybody,

 

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

 

So here goes: I've recently entered a relationship. I absolutely love the girl and we are great together. We're having a great time always, the sex is awesome, and our lives are going in parallel directions. It's healthy in just about every way. She tells me that I'm the best bf she's had and that she's never been happier.

 

Now here's the problem: I am really feeling bothered by my gf's past. Not only bothered. It sickens me. It drags me down. When I'm with her, it's not that important, but when we're apart, I feel very strongly about it, and it makes me lose respect for her. I see her as dirty, somehow.

 

Now here are the facts: I've been intimate with 4 girls including her. I'm her 5th or so. So this is similar, the number is not bothering me. However, her experiences have been more extensive than mine, i.e. there is about nothing she hasn't done in bed (99% of what you saw in porn vids, she did). In my experiences, I have been a little more conservative, although if given the opportunity, I might have done the exact same things she did.

 

So it's not that I see what she did as "bad", it's really that I'm bothered that she has done them with others than me in the past. Also, recently, she asked me in bed to be rougher, to spank her etc... Essentially, she loves to be submissive in bed, and has learned to love habits that turned her exs on. Most of her exs treated her like trash, they were players. So anyway: each time she asks me something like this, I come to think that she learned that behavior with another guy, some douche. That and other things. Other guys did things to her that I won't do (like anal), I'm just not into that. The sum of it makes her look, in my mind, as dirty...

 

I'm torn in this. I love the girl, she is everything I could have hoped for. But since we got intimate, and the details/habits from her past emerged, I've been thinking about these things more and more, and I don't want them to drag me down any longer.

 

I understand that I must choose a few things. Foremost: do I want to change my beliefs? Second: if not, am I ready to accept this?

 

I'm writing this here in the hope of seeing how you guys and girls would react. What do you think?

 

Thanks.

 

Watch the movie Chasing Amy, it might make you feel better, as it involves a similar subject matter of a guy unable to come to terms with his girlfriends past sexual experience.

 

I would talk to her about it, doesnt help to hide your feelings on the matter.

 

unfortunatelty sexual incompatabilites can ruin relationships, its difficult to simply say "get over" something like this, you cant help how you feel. No amount of other people rationalizing it for you will make you feel any better, but talking to her could.

Edited September 22, 2010 by Westy

[Stung]

There is a current thread on the Marriage board you might want to read, something about Marrying Fingercuffs.

[partyofme]

Thanks everybody! Yes, maybe I do need to grow up about this! Feedback still welcomed!

[Tiberius]

Give it a shot. ITs about duality as long as you both get what you want its fine. And maybe you learn to like it.

 

I am with a girl that is very different from most girls and she did things to me I didnt even know about or felt strongly against, but liked it later.

[agt2010]

You need to look at this like a grown man. She's been with other people before and will be with other people after you if it doesn't work out. So you can't change her past.

 

She seems like a kinky girl who likes sex and has done certain things wither ex's that she probably learned to enjoy. My best advice to you if you want to keep her is to open up and don't be so conservative in the bedroom because she will eventually become bored and leave you! Try to explore some of the options you haven't done with others girl before, it will be easier on you too because she has done them before. Have fun, relax, and go with the flow

[Untouchable_Fire]

So it's not that I see what she did as "bad", it's really that I'm bothered that she has done them with others than me in the past. Also, recently, she asked me in bed to be rougher, to spank her etc... Essentially, she loves to be submissive in bed, and has learned to love habits that turned her exs on. Most of her exs treated her like trash, they were players. So anyway: each time she asks me something like this, I come to think that she learned that behavior with another guy, some douche. That and other things. Other guys did things to her that I won't do (like anal), I'm just not into that. The sum of it makes her look, in my mind, as dirty...

 

I think your looking at it the wrong way.

 

How she is in bed doesn't reflect so much on the guys she has dated, so much as who she is.

 

She likes to please... and likes a dominant man.

 

So... Be a dominant man and let her please you.

[abouttoloseit]

Hi everybody,

 

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

 

So here goes: I've recently entered a relationship. I absolutely love the girl and we are great together. We're having a great time always, the sex is awesome, and our lives are going in parallel directions. It's healthy in just about every way. She tells me that I'm the best bf she's had and that she's never been happier.

 

 

Peaches and cream.

 

Now here's the problem: I am really feeling bothered by my gf's past. Not only bothered. It sickens me. It drags me down. When I'm with her, it's not that important, but when we're apart, I feel very strongly about it, and it makes me lose respect for her. I see her as dirty, somehow.

 

 

They are never going to go away. I'll continue writing in hoping you see past it, but you probably wont. I don't mean to be negative, more realistic. Like others have said, you can't help how you feel. Why you feel this way, probably because you view sex more emotionally than she does? She may see it as recreational, like others do, which is entirely subjective to the person - meaning some view it good, some bad.

 

Let's think about it, it's "just sex". Doing what we were meant to do. But guys have that thing called pride. And just don't like the FACT that their girl has been with other men, let alone lot's of them. And that's not going to change. Unless you somehow change/lower your emotional connection with sex, and just see it as a need/want/sport/f*ck. By all means, if you were in a commited relationship, and all was good, you'd have no problem having the quickies, up against the walls etc...but you'd still feel that loyalty, connection. You should be slightly re-assured that you lady has had 5 partners. My ex had 33. She was only 23. This bothered me.

 

 

 

Now here are the facts: I've been intimate with 4 girls including her. I'm her 5th or so. So this is similar, the number is not bothering me. However, her experiences have been more extensive than mine, i.e. there is about nothing she hasn't done in bed (99% of what you saw in porn vids, she did). In my experiences, I have been a little more conservative, although if given the opportunity, I might have done the exact same things she did.

 

 

You certain it's 5?

 

Regards the bedroom stuff, try new stuff with her, rock her world. Show her no mercy, tie that girl up. Gag her if needs be. Have fun. Guys love competition. I do. It's horrible when you lose but nevermind. So, just have fun. Mentally compete with the guys she's had, enjoy it and be awesome.

 

 

So it's not that I see what she did as "bad", it's really that I'm bothered that she has done them with others than me in the past.

 

 

Like I said, pride.

 

Also, recently, she asked me in bed to be rougher, to spank her etc... Essentially, she loves to be submissive in bed, and has learned to love habits that turned her exs on.

 

 

Forget about the ex's. Only worry if they are up in your face, if she still sees them or contacts them. Again with my ex, all **** I have to deal with.

 

 

Other guys did things to her that I won't do (like anal), I'm just not into that. The sum of it makes her look, in my mind, as dirty...

 

 

Some people love it, some don't. And if you don't like it, that's fine. There's nothing wrong with feeling like that. And if you don't want to do it, she should respect that. If you think that makes her dirty, again that feeling probably won't go. In another view, my ex took on two guys and got spit roasted. I see that as dirty. But, no rules in life, everyone can do whatever they want. It's just something I wouldn't want my kids knowing about their mum if they ever found out. (If I ever have kids)

 

 

I'm torn in this. I love the girl, she is everything I could have hoped for. But since we got intimate, and the details/habits from her past emerged, I've been thinking about these things more and more, and I don't want them to drag me down any longer.

 

 

I think the only thing that would change your mind with all this is time. And your ever changing view of the world. But maybe it would take too long.

 

Watch the movie Chasing Amy, it might make you feel better, as it involves a similar subject matter of a guy unable to come to terms with his girlfriends past sexual experience.

 

Haha, but we know how it ends.

 

If sex was just sex, there wouldn't be any point in jealousy, or emotional conection, or competition. I wouldn't see a logical point, in a biological sense. And I believe as a result everyone would just be doing it with each other and there'd be no "screening" process. It would just be a "function"...just like breathing.

[lilbunny]

It reads a bit like the girl can't win type scenario. Most men want to have adventurous sex, but then feel slightly uncomfortable with the girl who is willing and happy to go along with it. Sorry, just how it comes across.

 

I can kind of relate to this girl. I have never been promiscuous, never had a ONS etc but I have had a few adventures with men I have loved dearly. If that makes me dirty then fair enough. Sadly our first serious R or even several may not last forever and these things will always be a part of our past.

 

I am unsure why people feel the need to share the intimate details of their sexual past anyway. As far as I am concerned they were private moments shared between two people who loved each other at the time. It would feel rather disrespectful to repeat the details to someone else. I can't see any positives for a R, but since it is out there you either have to accept it or move on, it really isn't going to bring any happiness for either of you if you use it as a stick to beat her with.

 

Personally, if everything else is going well I think you should enjoy being together, try new things and hell even find a few new likes of your own.

[Mimolicious]

Hi everybody,

 

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

 

So here goes: I've recently entered a relationship. I absolutely love the girl and we are great together. We're having a great time always, the sex is awesome, and our lives are going in parallel directions. It's healthy in just about every way. She tells me that I'm the best bf she's had and that she's never been happier.

 

Red Flag: You absolutely love the girl, yet you just "entered" a relationship with her? Isn't this a bit precipitated?

 

Now here's the problem: I am really feeling bothered by my gf's past. Not only bothered. It sickens me. It drags me down. When I'm with her, it's not that important, but when we're apart, I feel very strongly about it, and it makes me lose respect for her. I see her as dirty, somehow.

 

Ok. How is this healthy? So she is this glorious angel when she is in your presence but trash when she is not?

 

Now here are the facts: I've been intimate with 4 girls including her. I'm her 5th or so. So this is similar, the number is not bothering me. However, her experiences have been more extensive than mine, i.e. there is about nothing she hasn't done in bed (99% of what you saw in porn vids, she did). In my experiences, I have been a little more conservative, although if given the opportunity, I might have done the exact same things she did.

 

Hone, if she did this before you met her, there is only one thing you can do about it= NOT BE WITH HER! Can't change her past. Sorry.

 

So it's not that I see what she did as "bad", it's really that I'm bothered that she has done them with others than me in the past. Also, recently, she asked me in bed to be rougher, to spank her etc... Essentially, she loves to be submissive in bed, and has learned to love habits that turned her exs on. Most of her exs treated her like trash, they were players. So anyway: each time she asks me something like this, I come to think that she learned that behavior with another guy, some douche. That and other things. Other guys did things to her that I won't do (like anal), I'm just not into that. The sum of it makes her look, in my mind, as dirty...

 

I beg to differ. These acts TURN HER ON, not her ex's. They are no longer doin git wit her (I hope). Admit that she is a freak. It will help you understand her better. You can call her all you want but in reality she is the one with the crave, not her ex's. Doesn't matter with who and where she learned these things. What matters now is that she likes it. Either you respect it or you bounce. Should this girl give up on what makes her feel good for your sake? You will have one cheating GF very soon!!!

 

I'm torn in this. I love the girl, she is everything I could have hoped for. But since we got intimate, and the details/habits from her past emerged, I've been thinking about these things more and more, and I don't want them to drag me down any longer.

 

Break up with her and find yourself a prude?:

 

I understand that I must choose a few things. Foremost: do I want to change my beliefs? Second: if not, am I ready to accept this?

 

I'm writing this here in the hope of seeing how you guys and girls would react. What do you think?

 

Thanks.

 

Quick question: How old are you? I am not implying anything by it but you sound young and perhaps maturity plays a huge part. I mean, it's quiet impressive that at this age in time someone thinks like this. Kudos!

The flip-side is that your GF has a certain appetite and from the sounds of things you are either not willing to comply or soon enough she will no longer be your GF. Something has to give.

 

Good luck!

[Mimolicious]

Hi,

 

So I'm a girl and my situation is different because I'm still a virgin, but I've been there where I've been really jealous of my boyfriend's past. The thing is is i love him so much and the thought of him being with someone else just tears me up. So yeah..we haven't had sex yet so I can't really identify with all the sexual stuff you've talked about but here is some heartfelt advice I can give:

 

I don't know if you would rather date a virgin, there's not too many out there, but since you aren't one I don't think it's really fair to expect that from a girl. I would love to date a virgin but I am also a virgin.

 

So do so! Why should you not do what is valuable to you?! Ah youngster's... if I knew then!

 

Mary- if you can take these words with you till the day that you die. Don't loose yourself in the "likes" of someone else. Life and time is precious, to settle is to sell yourself cheap. Love and care about your needs and wants before you can consider the needs and wants of someone else. Trust me, it will save you a lot of trouble and a lot of space in the "rap-sheet".

 

That aside,

 

I KNOW how hard it can be to overcome being bothered by the past. It is overwhelming and the worst part is that there is NOTHING you can do to change it no matter what we do. But realize this, the past is gone. The present is all we have.

 

You say that you love this girl and she is all that you could have hoped for. LOVE is what is important. She may not have been yours always but she is yours NOW and she's not thinking of anyone else and she doesn't want anyone else anymore. And don't think that she does something with you because of what she did with someone else. She's doing it with you because it turns her on to be with YOU and that's what she wants to do with YOU. Maybe you should try to focus on having some slow, passionate sex and "making love" since you guys love each other, focus on connecting through sex instead of just getting your rocks off and focusing on what other dudes have done with her before. But hey, I'm a virgin, so I dunno.

 

But seriously. I understand. It hurts me so much to think of where my boyfriend has been. But just think of how much it would hurt to lose her and think of who would come AFTER you.

 

Above all, give it time. For me, it took a long time and I still struggle with it but it gets easier every day.

 

Odds are that everyone you will meet has a past. It is what it is...

Then again, if you have your list of standards all together, those who enter your circle of trust will be those who meet your bar.

[BlueRidgeMTs]

Okay....I will ask. What exactly is " spit roasted " ?? Is it just the mere fact of a woman being with two men, or a certain position while doing that?

 

And also, this is why folks should never get too deep into their prior sex life with their new partners. There is just no way any good is going to come out of that. None. It's just going to cause all sorts of emotions and jealousy. Tell your new partners that you do not discuss your sex life, and you do not wish to know theirs.

 

It's for the best, really. That whole "spit roasted" thing, i would have never told a new boyfriend something like that. What is the point? Like I said, there aint NOTHING good that could come from that. Past is the past. Leave it there.

 

Dont ask..and dont tell.

[Lemontang]

Okay....I will ask. What exactly is " spit roasted " ??

 

A threesome at both ends of a girl (or guy for some)....put simply like a pig on a spit, hence the term spit roasted.

 

But I do tend to agree sometimes it is best not to go into full detail about your sexual past as some people find this threatening. I mean your less likely to be bothered if they said they slept with 8 people prior to yourself compared to 80.

[LoveAintEverything]

Why think of her past? Think about your two's future?!?!?!

[abouttoloseit]

But I do tend to agree sometimes it is best not to go into full detail about your sexual past as some people find this threatening. I mean your less likely to be bothered if they said they slept with 8 people prior to yourself compared to 80.

 

It's difficult when she just blarps it out while I make a passing comment about something funny on TV.

 

 

It reads a bit like the girl can't win type scenario. Most men want to have adventurous sex, but then feel slightly uncomfortable with the girl who is willing and happy to go along with it. Sorry, just how it comes across.

 

 

There is a somewhat small difference between a girl who has had a few partners in relationships, maybe a ONS or two for fun and likes to experiment...and a girl who has f**ked half of your own town and took two on at once. But nothing is black and white...always exceptions, just not met that exception yet

 

But anyway, this is about the other guy

[partyofme]

Thanks again everybody for your comments! abouttoloseit, particularly. I think it's fair to say that there is a certain part of pride in there. My pride, hers, and my ability to respect her with that in the equation.

 

I do happen to know other girls with similar and more extensive pasts, but when I think of them, I don't feel a strong negative feeling about it. I just see it as things that they want to explore, and enjoy. We all like to feel sexy and pleasure our partner, right. And I respect these other girls. I respect them because I know their character, they are strong girls, I don't see them as innocent and/or vulnerable. They were not exploited.

 

So that's my issue with my girl. I don't see her as very strong. I do see her as vulnerable, with her innocence tempered with. I know it sounds totally wack, but I think that's how I see it. And I'm not sure if that's right or wrong.

 

Admittedly, we didn't know each other much when we started dating. She fell for me very quickly and opened up. We got to know each other and I learned about her weaknesses before learning about her strengths. I'll admit that I have my share of insecurities, so I do feel akin to others in a similar situations, so I never saw it as a bad thing. And I do fall for girls with that "innocent" vibe, it's still part of me to have a strong desire to be unique, different; on a blank sheet.

 

What didn't help: when describing her past, she said she was always very submissive to her boyfriends, and always ends up broken hearted. In the process, she ended up doing whatever the guys asked, in bed and what not, in the hopes of keeping them. She never got a guy to truly love her, even though she was in long relationships. That made her look to me as very weak.

 

Also: she does naturally have a strong sex drive. That's part of who she is, nothing wrong with that. Coupled with her past, that made her do a lot of things, most of which she most probably enjoyed, rightfully so.

 

So it boils down to this: in a perverse way, what led me to her is what is pushing me back now. It's my perception of her. If I can't change it, it won't work. And that is not entirely based on sex, although sex does give a few insights.

 

Essentially, I need to find if I can respect her, if I can value her as a person, knowing all this. When we meet in situations where I see her strengths, all these things disappear and I feel like a really lucky guy. I think we need to put ourselves in situations where she shines, where I can learn to see her strengths, and not only her weaknesses.

 

Thank you all so much for your comments. I'll keep reading them. You have no idea how helpful this is to me.

[jealousyoverload]

Someone referenced my post about "fingercuffs", but my situation is a bit different, even though both have something to do with jealousy.

 

In my opinion, it's not the jealousy you need to work on, that just takes time, and talking, and being honest with yourself to work out.

 

Your real problem is that you don't respect this girl, and that is, frankly, pretty horrible.

 

Who are you to decide that she should be ashamed at her past sexual experiences? Who are you to decide that she was exploited?

 

She's submissive, not a prostitute.

 

You have a problem rectifying your idealized view of her as innocent with the reality that she's human and likes sex. You need to stop thinking of her as dirty and start thinking of her as another human being worthy of respect and dignity.

 

You may want to tell her straight up to not talk about her sexual past with you if you view her this negatively.

[partyofme]

Someone referenced my post about "fingercuffs", but my situation is a bit different, even though both have something to do with jealousy.

 

In my opinion, it's not the jealousy you need to work on, that just takes time, and talking, and being honest with yourself to work out.

 

Your real problem is that you don't respect this girl, and that is, frankly, pretty horrible.

 

Who are you to decide that she should be ashamed at her past sexual experiences? Who are you to decide that she was exploited?

 

She's submissive, not a prostitute.

 

You have a problem rectifying your idealized view of her as innocent with the reality that she's human and likes sex. You need to stop thinking of her as dirty and start thinking of her as another human being worthy of respect and dignity.

 

You may want to tell her straight up to not talk about her sexual past with you if you view her this negatively.

 

 

Thanks for the comment! Yes, I do realize that I may very well need to reshape some of my beliefs and values! I have come to this forum for a contemporary reality check, that was my point! I appreciate the feedback!