Irrational fear of losing my boyfriend!

[aili]

Hello

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years, and everything has been really, really lovely. We get along amazingly well, we're so compatible and it just works. For the past year it has been long-distance and it has been tough, but we've made it through and on Sunday I'm moving to his city.

 

For a lot of the relationship, he has suffered depression and anxiety and that seriously limited how much he socialised throughout uni. Earlier this year, he started getting treatment and after a little while on anti-depressants, felt a lot happier and more confident. Great! I'm so pleased for him, really I am. However, at first he didn't know how to deal with this new urge to socialise and went through a short period of uncertainty around our relationship, wondering whether he should be single or ask for an open relationship so he could take any opportunity that came his way (which I read to mean as, pull all these girls who were now hitting on him!). He quickly realised that he didn't want to do this at all, but his treatment had only half-worked at this point: it gave him all the superficial confidence without any self-esteem, and he hadn't yet had enough therapy to address his serious perfectionism that made him think he had to be the one all the girls fancied, and all the guys wanted to be. He realised that I made him happier than any of that, and was even more definite that he only wanted to be with me.

 

So, problem solved! Or so I thought... I come from a single parent family after witnessing my parents' messy divorce, and have been really screwed around by men in the past. My ex used me for sex for a number of years and had a hang-up about staying with me long-term because he hadn't slept with enough women. He also broke up with me, telling me point-blank that he didn't love me anymore, but continued to sleep with me anyway (and yes, I know I was stupid for allowing this).

 

So this little wobble has brought back all my anxieties and concerns about being hurt again, and I'm absolutely terrified that one day he's going to up and leave me. I have a new reason for him to do so every day. He doesn't love me any more. He loves me too much, and he'll eventually become too scared of being in a serious relationship and leave so he can sleep around. We're too young for it to work out long-term. Your twenties are when you're meant to explore different people, you shouldn't settle down until you're older. He'll find someone different and better. He's not emotionally ready for a relationship. He's cheating on me, he loves someone else. And so on and so on.

 

It's all stuff I've dragged along from past experiences, and a little bit of believing too much self-help crap and agony aunt advice on the 'right' time to be in a relationship. But I don't know how to get any of it out of my head, and it's having an adverse effect on me and my boyfriend. All the while, he's been reassuring me that none of it is true but my constant doubt is starting to wear him down. I'm behaving like I'm protecting myself from something, but in reality there's nothing to protect myself from.

 

Does anyone have any advice for what I can do to stop dwelling on the past and just get over it? It really is driving me mad and I don't know what to do anymore

[Ruby Slippers]

You just need to be in the moment. The simple fact is that your relationship might last, and it might not. Worrying and obsessing about that possibility is only going to increase the likelihood of it not lasting.

 

So how do you be in the moment? Just enjoy your time with him, enjoy your own life, do things that get you active and out of your head -- adventurous activities like travel, hiking, dancing, etc. Define your happiness by what YOU are doing with YOUR life, not by what's going on in your romantic relationship. This will take the pressure off your guy and the relationship, and let it simply be what it is.

[Allisha]

You just need to be in the moment. The simple fact is that your relationship might last, and it might not. Worrying and obsessing about that possibility is only going to increase the likelihood of it not lasting.

 

So how do you be in the moment? Just enjoy your time with him, enjoy your own life, do things that get you active and out of your head -- adventurous activities like travel, hiking, dancing, etc. Define your happiness by what YOU are doing with YOUR life, not by what's going on in your romantic relationship. This will take the pressure off your guy and the relationship, and let it simply be what it is.

 

 

This. In particular, the bold bit.

 

I think alot of these fears come from the thought of not being able to live without someone. A good way to overcome this is by showing yourself that you can do things w/o your partner and that you CAN exist w/o them. Sure, do things and love spending time together, but also explore your own interests as well as mutual ones.

 

I also agree with Ruby on the happiness bit.. as cliche as it sounds, true happiness comes from within and what you do in/with your own life. Your romantic relationship should be an extension of your happiness.

 

Just enjoy your time together. Don't get worked up over irrational fears. If you don't get over this, you could push him away. Which, you see, is a vicious cycle because your FEAR of losing him, will become the actual reason you DO lose him. Don't let it destroy you.

 

Good luck!