chise Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 I have been in a FWB relationship for four months. It is a long distance thing and from the beginning was clear that it will never be a real relationship. He started to talk to me every day, chasing me for months and caring about me. He was very sweet and i really liked him. We went out and it happened. It was not an arrangement, just happened. We were just crazy about each other. I know he likes me and he likes to spend time with me. We always have a ball together. He started to say that we should not get attached and i understand why. I do not want a relationship with him - despite i have feelings for him - and i understand he owes me nothing and has no obligation to explain me his actions. Sometimes he is confusing as he always wants to sleep with me, we spend hours laughing and cuddling in bed, he wants to know all my things, he says he misses me but .. at the same time sometimes i feel he is stepping back. I am struggling because even if i do not want a relationship with him (because different reasons) i do not want to feel like i am just good enough for sex. At least not with him. When he was chasing me he made me feel special, now i do not feel this anymore. I do not know if it is normal to feel this way, it seems contradictory but sometimes i cannot help myself .. He texted me today. I didn't reply, i need to think. Please i need some opinions. I am very confused. Thank you !!!
Alexanda Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 Thats why its never a good idea for women to be in FWB relationship. The hormone oxytocin makes you feel closer to a man and then you get feelings for him. For a guy sex is usually just that sex, nothing more. The more you sleep with the guy the more oxytocin release and these feelings you have will get stronger. I say end this "relationship" now. Just dont bother responding to his texts or calling him or anything. I know its hard, but you have to try. You can find a guy that will want you for a lot more than just sex. Im sorry you are going through this. I sort of went through something like this earlier this year. I will never ever do it again or even sleep with a guy unless Im married to him.
that girl Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 I can't even imagine what a long distance FWB relationship is like. The whole point of FWB is that you sleep together without a relationship. If you live far apart from each other you can't be having regular sex. Do you want a long distance relationship with this guy? If so, say it. He'll either step up to the plate or he won't. Thats why its never a good idea for women to be in FWB relationship. This isn't universal.
Author chise Posted September 22, 2010 Author Posted September 22, 2010 I have two other FWB situations in the past. One finished being my bf for five years and the other one was clear that I was not interested at all. So I guess it can work depending on the situation. This one is confusing because both like each other and we act as a couple when together. I am not trying to say that this implies a relationship but we pursue me during months. He was calling me saying I am desperate to see you, you are the cutest, you are sweet blah blah so it creates a semi romance situation from the beginning. The fact that is a long distance situation makes things more confusing as we activily travel and make plans to see each other every three weeks. We spent week ends together and we text each other saying that we cannot wait to see each other. Despite this I cannot help myself to feel that I am not special anymore. And it makes me sad.
TaraMaiden Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 This isn't a FwB relationship. This is a "Mr Commitment-Phobe" relationship. He acts completely like a regular BF when you're with him. Tell me, do you know whether he is seeing other women? having sex with them? Is he a player and footloose and fancy-free? Has he told you that you guys are not exclusive? Do you see other guys? Are you having sex with them? Are you a player and footloose and fancy-free? Have you told him that you guys are not exclusive? if both of you are confining your sexual encounters to just each other, and not playing the field, dating other people and being free and easy - then this sounds to me as if you're in a relationship. it's just not called that.
Author chise Posted September 22, 2010 Author Posted September 22, 2010 I am not seeing other people and I do not feel like doing it. He wants a casual thing and then he does not leave me alone. I have feelings for him so I need space sometimes. He got a new IM professional access this morning and despite I didn' reply his text contacted me again. He was all happy asking if I have a webcam and asking silly things as why I cannot sleep or what I do when I am scared. He is not helping here and I do not want to think he wants more because he was the one saying we should not miss each other that much so I should take it as face value, shouln't I ? Well, I do not really know what to do !
TaraMaiden Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 This isn't confrontational, but while I see you've answered for yourself, you've made no comment about his habits and what he does when he's not with you.... Is he seeing other women? Is he having sex with them? Is he a player and footloose and fancy-free? Has he told you that you guys are not exclusive? I think you need to lay it on the line with him. basically, this is killing you and you really cannot stand the situation any more. Goddammit, if you have sex and are intimate when you see each other, and he talks to you in this way when he connects with you, fer chrissakes, you should really, honestly be able to bare your soul to him, and not just your body! Write him an email. Tell him how you feel about him, tell him you can no longer settle for just being available for sex as a FwB, and that emotionally, you are too messed up to carry on like this. He is sending you mixed messages which are just twisting the knife in your heart more and more, and you either need to "Be With" him, exclusively, publicly and openly - or it has to end, because you cannot stand being kept at arm's length any more. He either has to acknowledge you two are an item - or he has to acknowledge that he has essentially pulled-and-pushed you far enough, and you won't stand for it a moment longer. If this isn't the beginning of something concrete between you - then it has to end here. Really, you can't keep doing this to yourself, or letting him do it to you either.
GooseChaser Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 I'm in the same situation, and I'm going with the advice that is mentioned here; I'm going to talk to him and let him know that if things don't eventually go in a more serious direction, it's over. It's the best thing to do, I think, if you want more.
Author chise Posted September 22, 2010 Author Posted September 22, 2010 Thank you for your replies. They made me realize what is going on here. The way this started was the recipe of a disaster. I believe a FwB situation can work fine but not if it starts like this one. He like each other too much to set some basic rules and the way this progresses made me feel more involved than i should. Traveling to see each other gives also an impression of interest that makes no sense - as effort, time and money are wasted. And the same with talking every day, he checking on me when i was sick, going out for dinner and he paying every time and so on. The other issue is exclusively my problem. I do not like to confront people and i always need to act as the most cool girl on earth - who i am not Maybe i should learn to set boundaries to protect myself even if this means to lose the other person or annoying him. Thanks again!
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