lofi_tokyo Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 My boyfriend and I have been dating for nearly six months now. While I know that I love him, he does not love me. I'm planning on going traveling for several months come January, and I had told him that I didn't want to be in a relationship while abroad if by that point he was unsure of his feelings towards me. That's what sort of prompted this whole discussion on love. He said that he knows my feelings for him are much stronger than his towards me. He then noted that he doesn't want to break up any time soon. He thinks I'm fantastic and he's convinced he's broken because he can't feel love. When I asked him what he meant by broken he burst into tears and started explaining that he's in a really bad place right now, as he feels he has done nothing with his life in the last four years and he feels so much pressure to do something but instead he has been living a life he feels belongs to someone else and hating himself for it. This is the first time he has told anyone this apparently, and it is the first time he's cried in over four years. He's the most loving boyfriend in every sense of the word - except he doesn't love me. If we didn't actually discuss our feelings, then I would have assumed he was completely 100% in love based on his actions. So I've decided I want to stay with him... for now. I want to try and help him get through whatever it is he's going through. I know and he knows that at the end of the day, he's going to have to decide for himself to make positive changes in his life, but he has told me I'm one of the only good things he has right now and... I want to be there for him. Does that make me weak? I'm staying in a relationship where my boyfriend doesn't love me - yet - and I'm hanging onto that "yet". I want to believe that by being there for him, he'll find his love for me, when he's happy again. Good decision, or no? (sorry this is so long)
GooseChaser Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 That's how I am with my friend with benefits. If you're okay with it, then go for it and keep it going.
Untouchable_Fire Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 He's the most loving boyfriend in every sense of the word - except he doesn't love me. If we didn't actually discuss our feelings, then I would have assumed he was completely 100% in love based on his actions. If he ACTS like he loves you... does it really matter what you call it? How about he frumberslacks you! Maybe thats stronger than love. In my experience most people say they love you and act like they don't.
GooseChaser Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 Yep! Listen to their actions above their words!
Stung Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 Usually I agree that actions speak louder than words--too many people stay with partners who treat them awfully just because they say they love them. BUT: telling you point blank that he doesn't love you, that he thinks he might not be capable of love, those are some pretty strong words. The thing to evaluate is whether his actions portray the hidden truth of his heart--or are the way he would treat anyone who allowed him privileges of touch, or merely artifice, putting on a facade of the way he thinks a boyfriend should be with a girlfriend?
GooseChaser Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 Usually I agree that actions speak louder than words--too many people stay with partners who treat them awfully just because they say they love them. BUT: telling you point blank that he doesn't love you, that he thinks he might not be capable of love, those are some pretty strong words. The thing to evaluate is whether his actions portray the hidden truth of his heart--or are the way he would treat anyone who allowed him privileges of touch, or merely artifice, putting on a facade of the way he thinks a boyfriend should be with a girlfriend? Those are good points.
Author lofi_tokyo Posted September 21, 2010 Author Posted September 21, 2010 Stung, I think your reply speaks most to how I'm feeling at the moment. His actions are very loving, however, it sounds as though the last four years of his life have been him just... going through the motions of what a good life looks like, without him really having engaged fully in what he was doing. I can't help but wonder if dating me is just another part of that. I suggested to him last night (when all of this came up) that it is possible that my relationship with him exists because its just something that came his way and he went along with it. He said that could be possible to some extent, but that a much larger part of it is that he just wants to be with me. I guess that's what's keeping me right now, both my love for him and him telling me he wants me around. His actions also suggest he wants me here. Its just that he isn't sure about love. At six months, should I be drawing the line? How long should I be wait? I suppose I feel conflicted about how invested in this I should be. Part of me feels like if I just played games - ie. if I just distanced myself from him a bit, he'd see what I mean to him, but I've never been a fan of games in relationships. And what's going on with him? Is this depression? Or something else? Anyone have song insight into that?
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