sometimes I think I'm too much of a jerk to date anyone

[New Again]

I'm known for being stubborn, but sometimes I'm pretty damn wishy-washy too

 

Back in July I had posted about an unwanted houseguest that is an acquaintance of my bf's. I discussed the situation with him and I thought we were on the same page.

 

This girl is coming to town again this weekend, and even though she's planned on coming for over a month, and was sent hotel information, and has two girl friends who are sharing a room that she could stay with, she texted my bf asking him if she could stay at his place.

 

The plus is that before responding to her message he asked me. I'm so angry at myself because I didn't want to be the bad guy, I felt like it would be mean, petty, and seem insecure or jealous if I said NO she can't stay there. So I said "I guess so, if it's only for one night."

 

I'm unreasonably angry with him, for asking me and putting me in that position, instead of just telling her no.

 

I'm really, really angry at myself for not saying how I really felt. But, I also have this dialogue going in my head - he's a way more laidback person than I am, or than probably a lot of people are, which makes me feel mean over things like this. Relationships are supposed to be about compromise, so (my eternal issue), when do you know when to compromise and when one person gets their way?

 

I'm also really disappointed in myself for already having a bad attitude about this - I'm already angry at this girl (well, first for asking to stay), because her ETA is "probably sometime between 2 and 5". If I gave my consent I shouldn't be such an ******* about it.

Edited September 21, 2010 by New Again

[GooseChaser]

I'm known for being stubborn, but sometimes I'm pretty damn wishy-washy too

 

Back in July I had posted about an unwanted houseguest that is an acquaintance of my bf's. I discussed the situation with him and I thought we were on the same page.

 

This girl is coming to town again this weekend, and even though she's planned on coming for over a month, and was sent hotel information, and has two girl friends who are sharing a room that she could stay with, she texted my bf asking him if she could stay at his place.

 

The plus is that before responding to her message he asked me. I'm so angry at myself because I didn't want to be the bad guy, I felt like it would be mean, petty, and seem insecure or jealous if I said NO she can't stay there. So I said "I guess so, if it's only for one night."

 

I'm unreasonably angry with him, for asking me and putting me in that position, instead of just telling her no.

 

I'm really, really angry at myself for not saying how I really felt. But, I also have this dialogue going in my head - he's a way more laidback person than I am, or than probably a lot of people are, which makes me feel mean over things like this. Relationships are supposed to be about compromise, so (my eternal issue), when do you know when to compromise and when one person gets their way?

 

I'm also really disappointed in myself for already having a bad attitude about this - I'm already angry at this girl (well, first for asking to stay), because her ETA is "probably sometime between 2 and 5". If I gave my consent I shouldn't be such an ******* about it.

There's nothing wrong with not being okay with your boyfriend not allow another girl to stay over. She can find another place to stay, and pay for it if she must. Your boyfriend doesn't owe her anything. However, he has a responsibility to YOU to be sensitive of your feelings. Guys do sometimes allow friends to stay over and it's totally innocent, and I'm sure you trust him, but what matters is if you are okay with the idea; you are not, so it was the right thing to do to tell him so.

[New Again]

There's nothing wrong with not being okay with your boyfriend not allow another girl to stay over. She can find another place to stay, and pay for it if she must. Your boyfriend doesn't owe her anything. However, he has a responsibility to YOU to be sensitive of your feelings. Guys do sometimes allow friends to stay over and it's totally innocent, and I'm sure you trust him, but what matters is if you are okay with the idea; you are not, so it was the right thing to do to tell him so.

 

That's a nice concise answer Maybe I'm insecure or something, I don't know why else I would have such a hard time being honest about what I want. He's so "nice" that I feel terrible not being as "nice".

 

I will be there also, as I was last time, so trust isn't really much of an issue. A lot of why I'm angry has to do with thinking it's really bizarre, rude, obnoxious, and some other stronger adjective that isn't coming to mind that this girl makes plans to come to town and then at the last minute says to my bf "Oh hey can I stay with you?" She's 30 years old, and has a good career. Who does that? Every normal person gets their ducks in a row before going somewhere. I hate that she does this and my bf let's her know it's OK by always giving her a place to stay.

Edited September 21, 2010 by New Again

[Kamille]

You mention how important it is to compromise. But, in the above scenario, you did not even allow for the possibility of compromise. You kept your emotions and needs to yourself instead of telling your bf how the request made you feel. How can the two of you reach a common ground when he isn't given all the necessary information?

 

In other words: a healthy compromise is reached when all pertinent information is communicated.

 

I struggle with expressing my needs too and it's my therapist who helped me realize that I cause myself a lot of unnecessary anxiety precisely because I don't communicate my own needs, but, instead, try to anticipate on other people's needs. She rightly pointed out that this is my way of trying to control outcomes, which, in my case, involve trying to influence people's perception of me. Applied to this scenario, you let your desire to "seem cool" over-ride your hope that the bad house-guest stay elsewhere. Nowhere in this did you let your bf in on what was going on with you. No compromise was possible.

[GooseChaser]

That's a nice concise answer Maybe I'm insecure or something, I don't know why else I would have such a hard time being honest about what I want. He's so "nice" that I feel terrible not being as "nice".

 

I will be there also, as I was last time, so trust isn't really much of an issue. A lot of why I'm angry has to do with thinking it's really bizarre, rude, obnoxious, and some other stronger adjective that isn't coming to mind that this girl makes plans to come to town and then at the last minute says to my bf "Oh hey can I stay with you?" She's 30 years old, and has a good career. Who does that? Every normal person gets their ducks in a row before going somewhere. I hate that she does this and my bf let's her know it's OK by always giving her a place to stay.

He has no obligation to let her stay with him. All he has to do is say "no", and she has to find somewhere to live that has a fee. What's wrong with that? She's not his girlfriend, after all. Who does she think she is? She'd better not be demanding that he let her stay, especially if she knows he's taken. How insensitive to you.

[New Again]

You mention how important it is to compromise. But, in the above scenario, you did not even allow for the possibility of compromise. You kept your emotions and needs to yourself instead of telling your bf how the request made you feel. How can the two of you reach a common ground when he isn't given all the necessary information?

 

In other words: a healthy compromise is reached when all pertinent information is communicated.

 

I struggle with expressing my needs too and it's my therapist who helped me realize that I cause myself a lot of unnecessary anxiety precisely because I don't communicate my own needs, but, instead, try to anticipate on other people's needs. She rightly pointed out that this is my way of trying to control outcomes, which, in my case, involve trying to influence people's perception of me. Applied to this scenario, you let your desire to "seem cool" over-ride your hope that the bad house-guest stay elsewhere. Nowhere in this did you let your bf in on what was going on with you. No compromise was possible.

All very insightful, thanks for posting this.

 

I guess in this situation I really don't see a compromise - either she stays and he gets his way, or she doesn't, and I get mine. As you pointed out, though, I ruled out all other possibilities.

 

I really wish that at the time I had pointed out that I don't like how she thinks she can make plans and just assumes she can ask him at the last minute if she can stay with him, because now there's a precedence that she can do this, and all of a sudden we are hosting and entertaining some practically random person for a weekend. It didn't occur to me until after I said I guessed it was OK.

 

Geez, I'm so mad. I just keep thinking who the hell does this girl think she is.

[stellaluna]

I wouldn't get mad at the girl because she isnt the problem. Your guy knew how upset you got before when she stayed so why is he even asking if its okay to do it again. He should know its not okay with you because of what happened last time. My guess is that your guy is a push over he didn't have the balls to say no to this other girl so he left the choice up to you which isnt fair. If I knew my girlfriend was really bothered by something like this I would have the girl make other arrangements.

 

Your guy is the problem because he cant say no even though he knows it will upset you. She wouldnt be a problem if he had balls to say no.

[GooseChaser]

I guess if the plans have already been made and it's really soon, it might have to happen this time. It's a good lesson to communicate more clearly and say no if you feel that way, Will you be at his place with him too? Why don't you and the boyfriend stay in a bed together, and the other girl can be in another bed, on a couch, or in a sleeping bag?

[New Again]

I guess if the plans have already been made and it's really soon, it might have to happen this time. It's a good lesson to communicate more clearly and say no if you feel that way, Will you be at his place with him too? Why don't you and the boyfriend stay in a bed together, and the other girl can be in another bed, on a couch, or in a sleeping bag?

 

The whole situation is that this girl is coming into town for a friend's birthday party. The bday girl, with out of town friends in mind, looked into hotels and prices, and passed along the information to those who needed it, to include this other girl.

 

Girl said over a month ago that she is coming and is bringing a date. Apparently she didn't make any other plans.

 

Now, a month later and less than one week prior to the party, she says "I'm not bringing a date, can I stay with you or can you suggest cheap hotels close by" (it would cost her $40 to stay with her friends in a hotel within walking distance of the party - taking a cab to the party from bf's house will cost her nearly that much).

 

I will be at the party, I will be staying with my bf in his room, she will be sleeping on the couch, as we do not have an available guest room at the moment.

[GooseChaser]

The whole situation is that this girl is coming into town for a friend's birthday party. The bday girl, with out of town friends in mind, looked into hotels and prices, and passed along the information to those who needed it, to include this other girl.

 

Girl said over a month ago that she is coming and is bringing a date. Apparently she didn't make any other plans.

 

Now, a month later and less than one week prior to the party, she says "I'm not bringing a date, can I stay with you or can you suggest cheap hotels close by" (it would cost her $40 to stay with her friends in a hotel within walking distance of the party - taking a cab to the party from bf's house will cost her nearly that much).

 

I will be at the party, I will be staying with my bf in his room, she will be sleeping on the couch, as we do not have an available guest room at the moment.

Just keep his attention on you mostly so you feel better about things. I'm sure she won't make any moves on him, especially with you there.

[Kamille]

All very insightful, thanks for posting this.

 

I guess in this situation I really don't see a compromise - either she stays and he gets his way, or she doesn't, and I get mine. As you pointed out, though, I ruled out all other possibilities.

 

How is her staying there him getting his way? To me it's her getting her way with him stuck in the middle between her needs and yours. He did ask you how you felt about her staying over, so I think he was open to you saying you would rather he ask her to stay elsewhere.

 

I really wish that at the time I had pointed out that I don't like how she thinks she can make plans and just assumes she can ask him at the last minute if she can stay with him, because now there's a precedence that she can do this, and all of a sudden we are hosting and entertaining some practically random person for a weekend. It didn't occur to me until after I said I guessed it was OK.

 

Geez, I'm so mad. I just keep thinking who the hell does this girl think she is.

 

Yes. I recognize this too. I ignore my own needs and then I get mad at people for overstepping my boundaries. I don't really have words of advice. I just want to point out I think you and I share the same patterns. My two most recent therapy homework involved me having "uncomfortable" conversations with my roomate and a work colleague. In both, I had to tell them about a need of mine. The therapist and I had rehearsed how I would bring up the conversation. "Roomie, do you have five minutes? I want to talk to you about something". Much to my surprise, both conversation went surprisingly well. My roomate was thankful I told her it bothered me that she sometimes smoked in the house and my colleague thanked me for taking his work seriously enough to engage with it.

 

Or, put another way, my therapist was right: when you don't speak up about your needs, you keep people at a distance. When you speak up about them, you grant people the right to engage with you.

[Stung]

I wouldn't get mad at the girl because she isnt the problem. Your guy knew how upset you got before when she stayed so why is he even asking if its okay to do it again. He should know its not okay with you because of what happened last time. My guess is that your guy is a push over he didn't have the balls to say no to this other girl so he left the choice up to you which isnt fair. If I knew my girlfriend was really bothered by something like this I would have the girl make other arrangements.

 

Your guy is the problem because he cant say no even though he knows it will upset you. She wouldnt be a problem if he had balls to say no.

 

This deserves another read. While the girl is perhaps pushy and annoying, she's not the real problem here.

 

We have houseguests coming soon, old friends of mine who I do know can be a little much at times. While I'm looking forward to them being here, if they for any weird reason cause upheaval in my relationship and my husband is clearly bothered and has any issue with them being here, there will never be another time that they stay with me/us--because I respect him and his boundaries. I won't feel torn between pleasing them or pleasing him, because my relationship with him is my priority.

[Kamille]

This deserves another read. While the girl is perhaps pushy and annoying, she's not the real problem here.

 

We have houseguests coming soon, old friends of mine who I do know can be a little much at times. While I'm looking forward to them being here, if they for any weird reason cause upheaval in my relationship and my husband is clearly bothered and has any issue with them being here, there will never be another time that they stay with me/us--because I respect him and his boundaries. I won't feel torn between pleasing them or pleasing him, because my relationship with him is my priority.

 

Yes, but her boyfriend did ask and she told him it was fine. He made their relationship a priority.

[a_woman]

it's only a boundaries issue. She crossed them and you didn't assert yourself, hence the anger. Next time just say so.

[Stung]

Yes, but her boyfriend did ask and she told him it was fine. He made their relationship a priority.

 

The point was, why ask? He already knew she didn't want the girl there, that it was an issue, didn't he? Asking defers all responsibility to her, makes her the bad guy, and kind of implies right from the beginning that it was unreasonable of her to set the boundary in the first place. Didn't she already set the boundary? So doesn't he already know the answer to the question? Why ask then, if he already knows she is against it, except to push his girlfriend's boundary because he is uncomfortable with setting his own boundary with this other girl? It sounds very people pleaser/passive aggressive to me.

 

In the hypothetical situation I brought up: if my friends' visit caused my husband distress and I knew it and we talked about it, and they called and asked to stay with us again, I would simply tell them it wasn't going to work and they'd have to find somewhere else, without asking my husband and putting him in a position where he's going to feel bad if he says no. Why would I put him in that position when I already know how he feels about it?

[Kamille]

So doesn't he already know the answer to the question? Why ask then, if he already knows she is against it, except to push his girlfriend's boundary because he is uncomfortable with setting his own boundary with this other girl? It sounds very people pleaser/passive aggressive to me.

 

Good point. I read NA's past thread and I assume, from NA's OP, that they did discuss the former visit. It doesn't mean, however, that NA made it clear that she didn't want that girl to stay over again. NA, did you? What do you mean when you say "you thought your BF and you were on the same page" about this girl?

[nopaininspain]

You're not wrong, I think that this girl is being quite selfish, and you should let your BF know. Would she feel confortable if her BF had a girlfriend staying at his house? Prolly not

 

I'm known for being stubborn, but sometimes I'm pretty damn wishy-washy too

 

Back in July I had posted about an unwanted houseguest that is an acquaintance of my bf's. I discussed the situation with him and I thought we were on the same page.

 

This girl is coming to town again this weekend, and even though she's planned on coming for over a month, and was sent hotel information, and has two girl friends who are sharing a room that she could stay with, she texted my bf asking him if she could stay at his place.

 

The plus is that before responding to her message he asked me. I'm so angry at myself because I didn't want to be the bad guy, I felt like it would be mean, petty, and seem insecure or jealous if I said NO she can't stay there. So I said "I guess so, if it's only for one night."

 

I'm unreasonably angry with him, for asking me and putting me in that position, instead of just telling her no.

 

I'm really, really angry at myself for not saying how I really felt. But, I also have this dialogue going in my head - he's a way more laidback person than I am, or than probably a lot of people are, which makes me feel mean over things like this. Relationships are supposed to be about compromise, so (my eternal issue), when do you know when to compromise and when one person gets their way?

 

I'm also really disappointed in myself for already having a bad attitude about this - I'm already angry at this girl (well, first for asking to stay), because her ETA is "probably sometime between 2 and 5". If I gave my consent I shouldn't be such an ******* about it.

[New Again]

Asking defers all responsibility to her, makes her the bad guy, and kind of implies right from the beginning that it was unreasonable of her to set the boundary in the first place.

This is how I feel. You and Kamille, as well as other posters, have been bringing up very good points. He might be P/A, and he is definitely a people pleaser. I think the P/A part comes in when I have an issue with the people pleasing, and then he uses P/A tactics (or sometimes is more direct and is actually quite mean, IMO) to make me feel crappy about it, like I'm a bad person.

 

Good point. I read NA's past thread and I assume, from NA's OP, that they did discuss the former visit. It doesn't mean, however, that NA made it clear that she didn't want that girl to stay over again. NA, did you? What do you mean when you say "you thought your BF and you were on the same page" about this girl?

We did discuss the former visit - I feel that it is disrespectful of him to have some random chick crash whenever she feels like it, and I think it's weird that she feels comfortable enough with him to ask this of him. The result was, I and my comfort are important, so she is no longer welcome to stay here. This is why I end up feeling like Stung's above quote. Completely agree that I should have stuck by my boundary; it's something I struggle with.

[Stung]

Okay, so you obviously need to talk to him again. Both of you played some role in this, although it is my personal feeling that he should have stuck to his guns and not ever relented enough to ask you about having her over again. That being said, obviously you should have stuck to your own boundary when he didn't.

 

Sometimes my husband and I struggle with a decision because while I think we are on the same page and both of us know what's what, he thinks things are still really nebulous and unsettled unless everything is defined in absolutely concrete terms. We have the struggle of the pure left brain vs. the right brain dominant. Perhaps there is a similar confusion in your situation?

 

If you settle this concretely and he tells you he understands perfectly that she is not welcome to stay there again in the future, no need to ask, and the situation comes up yet AGAIN and he still can't respect/enforce your boundary, you might want to reevaluate your relationship--that's your sign that this kind of struggle is going to keep recurring and driving you crazy.

[Gallaxia]

Hey New Again, I remember the last time this girl came to visit and I still feel she's trying to slowwly drive a wedge between you and your bf. I really just can't understand how someone could be so inconsiderate! Ugh! I'd be pissed. Sorry.

[naya1]

lol i know how u feel.

sometimes i wonder..i mean i know guys can have girl friends.. i have friends that are guys too. but when he has a girl friend, i place a boundary there somewhere..cause knownig us girls we're very hormonal and such. i just dont understand how there are some 'girls' that are friends w/ a taken guy still act as if the new gf isnt there. it annoys me and pisses me off.

if she is a lady and has some class and breeding,she should have some boundaries and discipline.

[New Again]

Hey New Again, I remember the last time this girl came to visit and I still feel she's trying to slowwly drive a wedge between you and your bf. I really just can't understand how someone could be so inconsiderate! Ugh! I'd be pissed. Sorry.

Thanks Gallaxia. I talked to him again last night. It was a very short conversation - he thought asking me was the right thing to do, I explained why in future I would prefer he doesn't bother to ask me, but just tells her to find another place to stay, and he agreed to do that. I guess we'll see - at this point there's not much else that can be done, but I don't feel much better about the situation. I will still have to put up with her nonesense this weekend, because I didn't speak up when I had the chance.

 

He kept making jokes about her trying to get with him, implying that my issue is entirely a jealousy or insecurity one, when it's not....or is only a very small part of it. Because I am polite and friendly to this girl, when he forces me into a corner where I have to socialize with her, and because he likes her, he can't seem to understand that I really do not like her and don't want to be around her.

 

Also, I almost never play the blame game, but in this case I really feel that he has done something wrong, and I hate that he doesn't see it. Personally, if my bf and all of his friends and this other girl's friends were telling me that it was weird that she asked and I said "OK" I would stop and consider why this might be the consenus of everyone. When this other girl's best friend heard what happened the last time she asked why, and said it was so weird because other girl and bf aren't even friends and hardly know each other. It was so weird that she told OTHER friends who know both parties and they had the same response.

 

lol i know how u feel.

sometimes i wonder..i mean i know guys can have girl friends.. i have friends that are guys too. but when he has a girl friend, i place a boundary there somewhere..cause knownig us girls we're very hormonal and such. i just dont understand how there are some 'girls' that are friends w/ a taken guy still act as if the new gf isnt there. it annoys me and pisses me off.

if she is a lady and has some class and breeding,she should have some boundaries and discipline.

I see what you're saying. Unfortunately this girl isn't even a friend. She is someone he has met through another friend 4 times over the course of several years; in the last 3 months she has asked him to stay at his place twice; once for a long weekend and now for this party. I don't consider this girl to be a friend, and all of her friends think she's crazy and it's weird that she is doing this, and that my bf is letting her. If she had any boundaries she wouldn't be inviting herself to stay with him all the time.

Edited September 23, 2010 by New Again

[New Again]

Bf may have sneakily found her a place to stay during this visit that is NOT with us!! That would make my weekend.

[New Again]

I think my behavior was on the rude side, but at this point I don't really care - I've been frustrated with myself lately, and feeling like I'm not getting what I want out of life, but it's entirely my fault for being a passive little wuss.

 

I think "Jane's" behavior is atrocious and if I have to be rude, then so be it.

 

She left all her things at bf's place, but stayed with someone else last night. Early afternoon she sends a text message that she's coming over soon to get her things and go home. She showed up 2 hours later, while we're waiting around, expecting her at any moment, as she was only 10 mins away.

 

She took her time changing, washing her face and so on, then proceeded to sit on the arm of the couch next to my bf with her bare leg rubbing his - it was NOT the only seat available - and chat incessantly while intentionally excluding me from the conversation.

 

Bf and I BOTH thought she was getting her **** and getting the hell out.

 

After going onandonandonandonandonandonandON about nothing for 20 minutes I stood up, said it was so nice of her to drive down for the party, and have a safe drive home. She took the "hint" and left, and good riddance. I hope I never see her again.