Frustrated with social situation

[kahn2154]

I have been isolated for most of my life and have recently tried to become more social, exposing myself to more social situations around people. But I feel as though I cannot connect with anyone, I've had lots of convos with guys but they pretty much don't go anywhere, I don't seem to have the ability to turn an acquaintance into a friend. I think it might be because I'm shy at first, and then come off quiet and boring, or when I finally do start to open up, I'll say something douchey without even meaning to offend anyone.

 

I also feel I am light years behind in interactions with women. Even if I could muster up the courage to approach a women at this point I realize I wouldn't be able to hold a conversation at all. The only time in my life in which I did hold an extended conversation with a women was talking about sports.

 

I saw a few guys near me hit on models and it was kind of shocking to me since they spent most of the time pretty much insinuating having sex with these girls and the models responded by laughing and giggling... I am too insecure in myself to flirt, and would think basically saying stuff they did would get me slapped.

 

While I've tried to get out my room more, I think this has just made me more depressed since I've seen what I am and have missed out on. I just feel unwanted and unwelcome and in awkward spots a lot. With guys I've done everything short of point blank asking "will you be my friend" While the girls I have interacted with (who have usually been gfs of the guys I talked to) have blatantly wanted nothing to do with me, avoiding me. Just also frustrated because I've realized its going to take more than just mustering up some courage to get a girl, since I will just fail with having a conversation. Just sick of being alone in this world and wish I could have somebody at this point

[eerie_reverie]

People generally feel uncomfortable around uncomfortable people.

 

Step outside your head and make an effort to make the OTHER person feel comfortable during your interactions with them. If you're not so focused on your own discomfort, you'll forget about it.

 

Learn to use the awkwardness to your advantage. Most people can appreciate awkward humor - entire sitcoms are based on this. Learn to laugh at yourself. Don't be afraid to laugh at other people but learn to do without being mean.

[loverofloveandstuff]

Are you in social settings where people are drinking alcohol? I'm not going to condone getting hammered everytime you go out, but maybe a couple of drinks would loosen you up.

 

Also, when you're in a group setting with people you know and people you don't know, talk about things with the people that you do know. That will help break the ice and get people chatting and you'll find out more about the commonalities you have with other people in the circle. Bring up something you and your mates did together or a funny or embarassing story that people can laugh at. 'hey ___, remember when we...'

 

If you're comfortable talking about sports, start with that and the chain of the conversation will move along to other things. Sports - what sports you play, what sports they play - how they got started - what else you guys like to do for fun. Conversations should flow naturally, but once they get started, it's not that difficult to keep them going.

 

If you want to spark up a conversation with a female, you could start by complimenting (or even just acknowledging) something she's wearing (bag, shoes, etc). You could even be a bit cheeky by saying something like 'hey those shoes look interesting.' Then adding, 'in a good way.' Ask her where she got said item, how her day was, what she did, etc. Direct compliments about looks are sometimes flattering but in my experience, often come off as a bit creepy and get a bit boring.

 

Good luck.

Edited September 21, 2010 by loverofloveandstuff

[loverofloveandstuff]

Also, have you ever read the game? I'm not saying that pickup lines are the best way to meet people, but I know a couple of my guy mates use it as their bible. It might help you understand women a bit better and build your confidence. I know it's helped them tremendously. Social interaction comes more naturally to some people than others, but I really believe that it is something that can be practiced and learned too.

 

Always remember to smile (not in a pageant like way though, lol). People respond well to people who look like they are enjoying themselves.

[kahn2154]

I don't drink, so that makes it even harder to fit in.

 

When I'm in group setting I usually approach someone I know and feel lately kind of unwanted, like they look at me like "why is this near us". I have no friends and no social circle to reminisce about stories.

 

I read the game, but I read it for entertainment purposes instead of a how to manual

[espec10001]

As was said (sung): "Women are wicked, when you are unwanted."

 

The key is don't take people seriously, especially women. Once you learn that the majority of people especially a large percentage of women (NOT ALL) are jokes then it won't be hard at all to loosen up. No alcohol or drugs needed.

 

Because behind all the makeup, behind all the expensive jewelry and gaudy attire, most women are still immature little girls. The same goes for men who flaunt these said women, with all their toys and status, they are still little boys.

[Feelin Frisky]

Older, more traditional social advice might be to self-medicate by having a drink or more. Updated advice all the same lines would not be to self-medicate away social anxiety but medicate it with real medicine. It's not the same thing as it used to be. Psychiatrists don't prescribe tranquilizers any more--at least the good ones don't. If you really have a stirring feeling about social situations which keep you contained and steadily unwilling to ease up and just bounce with the little risks, there may be a chemical component to the feelings which could be treated by medicine without complications of addiction or dependence. There are meds for social anxiety which simply target whatever neurotransmitter gun one has in the head that pours out fight or light before a person actually risks any social exposure.

 

Seeing a psychiatrist and getting medication to help level the social playing field is not a weakness--it is a sign of strength that one is removing whatever impediments he or she has to social acclimation. There used to be stigma when it was a matter of "depressing" the central nervous system with "pills" like Xanax or Valium (Martini in a pill). But there is no stigma with a medication that a person doesn't feel working on the central nervous system (because it works on a much smaller system within the brain so that the CNS doesn't' get involved in fight/flight or tranquilization of the symptoms). Just FYI. Good luck.

[kahn2154]

I've been seeing a psychologist for two years now, probably still around time I started I still had anxiety in social situations, but now really don't have it. Now the problem seems to be more of I've never been in these social situations before and don't know what to do or how to act. My social life pretty much stopped when I was around 11 years old so I have missed out on a lot.

[Feelin Frisky]

I've been seeing a psychologist for two years now, probably still around time I started I still had anxiety in social situations, but now really don't have it. Now the problem seems to be more of I've never been in these social situations before and don't know what to do or how to act. My social life pretty much stopped when I was around 11 years old so I have missed out on a lot.

 

Just for more information, a psychologist can not do what a psychiatrist can. A psychologist tries to help a person out-think his or her emotions. A psychiatrist realizes that there is a physiology which makes this particularly tough in a person and that feelings are often out of the bottle before the person can deal with them proportionately.

 

Some psychologists unfortunately become "purists"--they can come to defend their discipline, asserting that it is THE way, when indeed it is only A way.

 

The best modern approach is a psychologist who understands the physiology of mind and emotions and defers to psychiatric prescription when talk therapy seems to hit a ceiling. One can talk forever and not get the foothold on how to diminish intense feelings into livable proportions.

 

I speak of this because I have been through it and found both solution and sustainable clarity that does not cost me the huge swaths of time and frustration of going to a psychologist and just talking. Through medicine I've learned how to do what would have never occurred to me in a million years under my former chemical disproportion. Again, just information someone may benefit from.