Monetigerlily Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 Hello wise LSers! I haven't posted for a while because I thought things with my BF were going well. A little background for you: we've been in a LDR for over a year now, he lives about 3.5 hours away from me but I drive down to see him when I'm off work (I have a very flexible schedule which gives me several days off in a row...usually work 2 days then off 5). I have been trying to transfer down here but my company doesn't have any openings at this location right now. We've discussed marriage but he's 43 and never married, and after the events of this weekend I am beginning to wonder if he ever will marry. Saturday night we had our first real fight. He wanted to go out with his best friend and have a couple of drinks at a local German restuarant to bid his friend "Auf Wiedersein" as he's leaving for Oktoberfest this Wednesday. I was invited, but spending my evening in a bar with bunch of drunk guys isn't exactly my idea of a good time, and I told him I wanted him to stay home and spend some time with me, seeing as he and his friend had spent all day at the beach together. We got in a huge argument and I took all of my clothes and packed up my car to leave. I told him it was his friend or me. After much screaming (on my part) and a huge migriane (on his part) he stayed home and we fell into bed, neither of us speaking or sleeping a wink. Before I'm cast as the harpy shrew girlfriend, he and his friends went out the Saturday night before and stayed out until 3am, and I didn't want a repeat of that sitution. Yesterday morning I apologized for my actions the night before and he accepted, but he told me he needed time to think about where our relationship is headed. He told me he thought it might be better if we split up! I was devastated. One argument and the future I thought we had planned together was falling apart. He's a typical guy who hides his feelings and doesn't express himself, so I was flabbergasted at this turn of events. He told me he wasn't happy and wasn't sure if he wanted a committed relationship. I got very upset, so upset I couldn't drive the 3 hours home. I ended up staying and we talked things over and agreed to work on our relationship. Last night when we went to bed he held me and told me he was sorry for the things he said earlier and that he still wants us to be together. He's been under a lot of stress lately and is unhappy with his life in general. He was laid off from a well-paying job last December and he is frustrated with his new job, which causes him a lot of stress. He called me his "rock" in the past, as I supported him through his job search while he was unemployed. He's told me he feels like a "rudderless ship adrift on the ocean." I want to attribute his sudden change of heart to his dissatisfaction with his life in general, but his comments shocked me. Even though he said he still wants to be with me, my confidence in our relationship is shaken. I feel myself starting to pull away from it in case it's about to be snached away suddenly. I suppose I need advice on how to proceed from here. How do I regain my faith in us?
atlnay Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 Hello wise LSers! Saturday night we had our first real fight. He wanted to go out with his best friend and have a couple of drinks at a local German restuarant to bid his friend "Auf Wiedersein" as he's leaving for Oktoberfest this Wednesday. I was invited, but spending my evening in a bar with bunch of drunk guys isn't exactly my idea of a good time, and I told him I wanted him to stay home and spend some time with me, seeing as he and his friend had spent all day at the beach together. We got in a huge argument and I took all of my clothes and packed up my car to leave. I told him it was his friend or me. After much screaming (on my part) and a huge migriane (on his part) he stayed home and we fell into bed, neither of us speaking or sleeping a wink. Before I'm cast as the harpy shrew girlfriend, he and his friends went out the Saturday night before and stayed out until 3am, and I didn't want a repeat of that sitution. Yesterday morning I apologized for my actions the night before and he accepted, but he told me he needed time to think about where our relationship is headed. He told me he thought it might be better if we split up! I was devastated. One argument and the future I thought we had planned together was falling apart. He's a typical guy who hides his feelings and doesn't express himself, so I was flabbergasted at this turn of events. He told me he wasn't happy and wasn't sure if he wanted a committed relationship. I got very upset, so upset I couldn't drive the 3 hours home. I ended up staying and we talked things over and agreed to work on our relationship. Last night when we went to bed he held me and told me he was sorry for the things he said earlier and that he still wants us to be together. He's been under a lot of stress lately and is unhappy with his life in general. He was laid off from a well-paying job last December and he is frustrated with his new job, which causes him a lot of stress. He called me his "rock" in the past, as I supported him through his job search while he was unemployed. He's told me he feels like a "rudderless ship adrift on the ocean." I want to attribute his sudden change of heart to his dissatisfaction with his life in general, but his comments shocked me. Even though he said he still wants to be with me, my confidence in our relationship is shaken. I feel myself starting to pull away from it in case it's about to be snached away suddenly. The bolded parts don't look good on your part. Sorry. It doesn't matter that you've had only "one" fight, what matters is HOW you handle yourself and your emotions during this fight and I think you were wrong from the get go. 1. He is a 43 year old man. What do you mean you don't want a repeat of a situation? 2. His BEST friend was leaving, you were informed and invited. Because you chose not to want to be around him, doesn't justify you then wanting your boyfriend all to yourself the same evening. That's selfish. 3. The ultimatum is not a good look. Perhaps he doesn't want a repeat of that situation as well? 4. What grown rational adult, screams in a fight? One that doesn't get their own way? 5. Then you were so upset you couldn't drive? Again, not only letting your emotions get the better of you, now they have physically effected you. 6. Now YOU are starting to pull away? *sigh* Look, I am going to be really blunt, I think you caused and argument out of nothing and on top of it you handled it like a 2 year old throwing a temper tantrum. That is not attractive or appealing at any stage of life and I'm pretty sure a 43 year old man doesn't want that either. Not sure how to advise you to get back on track. If your dude truly still wants to be with you and wasn't just saying that because he saw up close and personal how you can be during an argument, I would say in the future try and communicate your feelings to him in a less dramatic and emotional way. Good luck.
Author Monetigerlily Posted September 21, 2010 Author Posted September 21, 2010 Yes, I admit that I came off as a total banshee for the most part (not my finest hour, I'll readily admit), but in my defense, he had spent all day at the beach with his BF, and they went to the same bar the previous Saturday and stayed out until 3am, which is what I didn't want a repeat of. His friend is going away for a week, and he lives 5 minutes away, so it's not as if they never see each other. Heck, he spends more time with his BF over the weekends than he does with me, which was caused the argument. I don't begrudge their time together, I just wanted some of his time too, as I hadn't seen much of him since I've been here. He's been busy with work and when he's not working he was with his friends, which made me feel neglected. Admittedly I handled my anger in a completely inappropriate manner, which I apologized profusely for. I bought him a card to say I'm sorry and to thank him for forgiving me and still loving me and wanting to work on our relationship. I also enclosed a gift card for Borders in the card, because he loves to read and it's his favorite store. I just wanted to do something for him to let him know I love him. Hopefully it will lead to great makeup sex, LOL!!!
atlnay Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 I do believe you are remorseful. At this point, I'd give him some space. Don't run the other side of the gamut by smothering him with too much affection k? I personally wouldn't give him the gifts just yet, but that's me. If you give them to him, try not to have another conversation about the blowup, unless he brings it up. Give him a bit of space and hopefully when you have another disagreement, which most couples do, you'll both handle it a lot better. Good luck with the make up sex
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