Moving in together

[Gallaxia]

In your opinion, when do you think is the best time to move in together? While still dating? After engagement? Or only when married?

[tman666]

I've lived with my girlfriend for a little over a year. We dated for about a year and a half before that.

 

I don't see a major problems with a couple living together before marriage. In this day and age, I personally think you'd have to be an idiot to not live with the person for at least a year prior to marriage. Living with someone really gives you the full monty of what that person is really like, i.e. how clean they want the house, the fact that people poop and pee and fart, how they spend their free time, etc. The other thing is that if you get in fights, you can't simply go back to your place to cool off. I guess I've been very luck that my girlfriend and I work so well together, because living with a S.O. could be a living hell. Better to know before marriage.

[tigressA]

I personally wouldn't move in with someone until I was engaged, with a wedding date/venue reserved. When I decide I want to live with someone, that's also the day I know I want to spend the rest of my life with them. I feel like there are a lot of guys out there who use living together any earlier as an excuse to delay marriage. I've heard so many stories that go something like "We've been living together for 5 years and he still won't marry me, blah blah."

[bobdole]

Both my past LTRs of 3+yrs each - we moved in together within about 2 months of meeting. It felt comfortable and right so we did. There isn't any rule I follow

[Rorschach]

In my LTR we moved in together after a year, it was a mistake and in the future I wouldn't move in with anybody until I was engaged with a date set. Too many complications if things go south.

 

Break ups when you live seperate can be simple, we just stop meeting each other, when you live together you have to split stuff, heck I've been broken up for a year and I STILL have boxes of her stuff in my closet (she lives 3000 miles away so it's not like I can just go drop it off at her house)

[TheBigQuestion]

As counterintuitive as this sounds, there are multiple studies that have been done showing that co-habitation before marriage is correlated with a quicker and earlier divorce rate. I don't remember what the reasons are, but I have seen this come up more than once over the years, and I can't for the life of me figure out why this is true.

[Crazy Magnet]

If your long term goal in life isn't to get married then it doesn't make sense to wait to move in together until you are engaged or married. I think every couple is unique.

 

Sure I want to marry my guy, but the next "helpful" person who tries to cram "you need a ring if you're going to keep living there" down my throat might just get bonked with my shoe.

[make me believe]

Break ups when you live seperate can be simple, we just stop meeting each other, when you live together you have to split stuff, heck I've been broken up for a year and I STILL have boxes of her stuff in my closet (she lives 3000 miles away so it's not like I can just go drop it off at her house)

 

I totally agree. I also think that because breakups are so much more complicated when you live together, a lot of people stay in unhealthy or bad relationships because it's just easier than dealing with the logistics of having to find a new place to live, moving out, etc. Not to mention that often finances get entangled when you live together, and one person may not even be able to afford to move out in the event of a breakup.

 

I think waiting until marriage is best, but I would be willing to compromise and move in with someone if we were engaged & were actively planning the wedding. Otherwise, I just think it's like you are playing house. Living like a married couple without actually making the commitment isn't something I'm interested in. People move in together thinking it's this huge commitment & a big step forward, but they often haven't discussed what it actually means for the relationship. And from what I've seen with myself & my friends, the female usually thinks it's a step towards engagement, whereas the guy doesn't necessarily see it that way, and often will move in with a girl he has no plans of marrying anytime soon, or ever.

[prettybaby]

As counterintuitive as this sounds, there are multiple studies that have been done showing that co-habitation before marriage is correlated with a quicker and earlier divorce rate. I don't remember what the reasons are, but I have seen this come up more than once over the years, and I can't for the life of me figure out why this is true.

I really think those statics are analyzed the wrong way.

 

Logically speaking, it makes sense that the group wanting to get married before moving in together is less likely to divorce. Because what kind of people do that? Mostly religious and "traditional" people. If things go South, they are the least likely to just up & go and file for divorce.

 

So when looking at divorce rates amongst those that move in pre-marriage versus those that move in post-marriage, we shouldn't immediately jump to conclusions and assume that moving in before marriage automatically results into more break ups. It's not the moving in pre-marriage versus moving in post-marriage that should be compared. What needs to be compared is the average type of people in both groups and figure out why they decide to live together or not before marriage, and why they tend to stick together less or more after marriage.

 

It's way too simplistic to say that moving together before marriage = high risk of getting divorced. Because the "moving in part" isn't necessarily the actual CAUSE of it.

[snowbell]

It's way too simplistic to say that moving together before marriage = high risk of getting divorced. Because the "moving in part" isn't necessarily the actual CAUSE of it.

While you have some valid points about religious/traditionalists wanting to stay in a bad marriage longer than "contemporary" couples to make it work, I don't think religion has much to do with it with maybe the exception of the two people having similar spiritual values which is always good for a relationship.

 

I've heard a lot of instances where the couple had expectations that marriage would somehow alter (alter/altar - get it?! I slay me) the role of their SO and when it didn't, they become increasingly disillusioned with their decision to marry in the first place.

 

Then there are those who think that marriage is simply the next logical step in the progression of the relationship, so it's a choice made on sort of a social and emotional auto-pilot. Perhaps the parents keep pestering about "popping the question" or hint at future grandchildren and the couple wants to make all parties happy. They don't really comprehend the permanence of the adage "till death do us part."

 

And then you have the couples that aren't going so well and they've been Disney-washed into thinking marriage might solve commitment/trust/financial issues they have with one another. It doesn't take long to realize that the pretty dress and legal document don't really change a couple who didn't mesh well to begin with.

 

That all said, every circumstance is different and it's hard to generalize something like a relationship with statistical data. Even so, I'm not moving in with my boyfriend until I'm 100% sure we're financially, spiritually, ideologically, sexually compatible, have open communication with one another (conflict resolution), and have similar life goals. It just so happens I'll probably have an informed opinion of that if we're still together and if he decides to propose a year or two down the line.

[Feelin Frisky]

There can also be many a devil in the details of HOW you move in together. For instance, is the woman moving in with the man or is the man moving in with the woman? Or are they both agreeing to leave quarters and get a place together?

 

It may sound insignificant but over the long term it can be a source of territorial under-current--sometimes not even spoken but refelcted in tension.

 

I had someone I had plans to marry move in with me. I expected her to change things--that wasn't a problem. But she had this complex where she seemed to dwell on whom else may have slept in my bed, whom else may have walked on my carpet, f__ked on my couch, washed their chin in my sink. How does one deal with that? Perhaps moving in was the best way to find out that we didn't have a future together--it would have sucked getting married and finding out this suspicious obsession later. As it turned out I don't think it mattered that my place was not virgin--she wanted me to be (and to not be).

[Ruby Slippers]

I have moved in with a boyfriend three times in my 20s. With the fourth relationship, which began when I was 30, I declined his invitation to move in together because it was too soon and I wasn't sure about long term with him. This turned out to be a very smart decision, since that was a tough breakup, and it would have been MUCH harder if we'd been living together.

 

I think that in the future, like tigress said, I would only move in together if we were engaged and had made concrete plans for marriage.

[Stung]

I read an interesting article a little while ago about how the statistics usually touted about cohabitation and divorce are very flawed, but I don't seem to be able to find it again. Maybe someone with more time and/or better Google-fu can dig it up again.

 

Personally I would never marry someone without living with them first, unless my only goal was a shiny wedding day rather than a long-term successful marriage. I have lived with boyfriends in the past, and obviously live with my husband, and found that cohabitation really changes the dynamic of a relationship even when you think you know everything about that person. If I had married a couple of my previous boyfriends--frankly, I shudder just thinking about it.

 

My vote: live with the other person, whether while seriously dating, or after engagement, but definitely before marriage. Just make sure you're on the same page about what moving in together means.

[Gallaxia]

While you have some valid points about religious/traditionalists wanting to stay in a bad marriage longer than "contemporary" couples to make it work, I don't think religion has much to do with it with maybe the exception of the two people having similar spiritual values which is always good for a relationship.

 

I've heard a lot of instances where the couple had expectations that marriage would somehow alter (alter/altar - get it?! I slay me) the role of their SO and when it didn't, they become increasingly disillusioned with their decision to marry in the first place.

 

Then there are those who think that marriage is simply the next logical step in the progression of the relationship, so it's a choice made on sort of a social and emotional auto-pilot. Perhaps the parents keep pestering about "popping the question" or hint at future grandchildren and the couple wants to make all parties happy. They don't really comprehend the permanence of the adage "till death do us part."

 

And then you have the couples that aren't going so well and they've been Disney-washed into thinking marriage might solve commitment/trust/financial issues they have with one another. It doesn't take long to realize that the pretty dress and legal document don't really change a couple who didn't mesh well to begin with.

 

That all said, every circumstance is different and it's hard to generalize something like a relationship with statistical data. Even so, I'm not moving in with my boyfriend until I'm 100% sure we're financially, spiritually, ideologically, sexually compatible, have open communication with one another (conflict resolution), and have similar life goals. It just so happens I'll probably have an informed opinion of that if we're still together and if he decides to propose a year or two down the line.

 

...... And good points. TBH, I wouldn't have even considered the notion of not moving until actively arranging a wedding date, etc. That's certainly food for thought.