Madilyn09 Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 I started dating Mark about a month ago and things were great up until a few days ago. Mark is 27 and I am 20, seven year difference. He broke up with his first love that he was with for five years in May 2010, and I broke up with my boyfriend of four years in January 2010. We see each other at least every other day and really enjoy each other's company. The problem is I don't think he is over his ex yet. He is really honest with me and from the get go said that he wants to persue a relationship with me and hasn't felt like that about any of the other girls he dated after he and his ex broke up. Last wednesday, we were laying in bed and I asked him if we were still good and if he still knew what direction he wanted us going in. To my surprise, he was a little confused, he said he didn't know if jumping in to a serious relationship was the right thing to do and that he has been thinking about that a lot lately. I was shocked and backed away a little because I was just like not expecting his response. So I was like, alright you just want to end this then? And he said NO WAY I don't want this to end I love spending time with you and I know that we haven't officially had the whole relationship talk but I really don't want this to end. And I was like, what the hell? You just said you didn't want a relationship but now you do? So then I brought up the whole FWB thing and asked him if that's what he thought this was going to be and he said of course not. I Know that we're much further than FWB because he always wants to spend time with me and he's not really a highly sexual person. So anyway, the conversation kinda got a little more horrific for me the more we talked cause at this point I really like him and I didn't want to hear what he was saying. So finally he was just like, Look I don't want to stop seeing you I don't know what I"m talking about I guess I'm just scared because I didn't really think this was going to go anywhere and I have feelings for you and I want to bew ith you and it's a little scary to open up to someone when you've only been with one person...and so I said that's fine. He kissed me and we just stopped talking for a minute but my anxiety level still rose and I was worrying the whole time I layed there. Finally I was just like, I kinda lost a little faith cause I feel like you don't really know what you want and I don't want to get hurt. And he said "I want to be with you I didn't really mean what I said"...then there was a pause, and he said "you know what, I guess I"ll just be completely honest, I had a dream about my ex last night and it's been on my mind all day and I just don't know what the deal is or why I had it because everything was going so great with you." I can understand that, it makes sense to me because I have had dreams like that and it's hard to get it out of your mind and not let it affect your new relationship. So I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt and just went to sleep. The next morning I left pretty swiftly and didn't really talk to him all day until he texted me and invited me over for poker night. I wasn't really sure if I should go because I felt like he needed time and space to really put a finger on what he wanted. So I just called and told him that and again he was like "I want to be with you and I don't want space" so I went to his house...that night he got really drunk and started going on some tangent about how much he misses his ex's family blah blah blah. I was just like "Mark, I have already told you before if you want to just be friends we can talk about your ex but if you want to be with me it is not helping our relationship" and he got a little upset and then he stopped. The next morning he really apologized and I spent the whole weekend with him without a lot of conflict, it's just weird now. It was so natural and organic before but now that there is this restriction or something...tension maybe? We went out the last two nights and we had a lot of fun and he really enjoyed being with me but it's like I feel like I'm competing with the past...something that isn't even there anymore...I am lost. I don't know what I should do and I want to make it work cause I really really like him... Sorry this is so long but I appreciate any advice!
squeaky Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 that's a tough situation. he had only been out of his previous relationship for 4 months when you guys started dating, and that relationship lasted for 5 years. i can understand why you both might be feeling a little bit lost. if i were in his shoes, 4 months probably wouldn't be enough time to process that kind of huge change in my life. i know some people can just jump from one relationship to the next, but i think it's pretty difficult for most people. my ex boyfriend was not truly over his ex when we started dating, and it ultimately led to me getting really hurt. and more than not being over his ex, he was not over the pain that the relationship had caused him. he was afraid to become attached to someone new because he wasn't ready. we fell in love, but as things became more serious, he started freaking out and having second thoughts. i would be really careful. it sounds like you really like this guy, and he likes you, but you might get very hurt being in a relationship with someone who is so fresh out of a breakup. a huge part of a happy, healthy relationship is stability, and not having to worry that the other person isn't truly feeling it or that they might bail at any moment. if you don't feel that, you guys will continue to be on shaky ground. keeping communication open is always your best bet, but if things aren't feeling right, it might also be good for you two to slow things down and take a step or two back. good luck!
welikeincrowds Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 Paragraph breaks. I know your return key isn't broken. This isn't working for you, so you need to enforce this boundary. He's not being a dick on purpose, but that doesn't mean you can let him **** with you. His baggage is not your problem. Do you think you could handle being just friends? No? Then tell him that you won't be seeing him until he figures out whether he's ready to date. If he comes around: great, you guys can pick up where you left off and see if that chemistry takes you anywhere special. If he does come around, but then starts making you uncomfortable again: drop him immediately. If he never comes around: he did you a favor. It's all about protecting yourself. No one is going to do it for you, and the only person that heart belongs to, really, is you.
that girl Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 This is what stood out to me right away He is really honest with me and from the get go said that he wants to persue a relationship with me and hasn't felt like that about any of the other girls he dated after he and his ex broke up. and then I guess I'm just scared because I didn't really think this was going to go anywhere and I have feelings for you and I want to bew ith you and it's a little scary to open up to someone when you've only been with one person... It sounds like he misled you from the start. It sounds like he isn't ready for a relationship but he doesn't want to be alone. It doesn't sound like this will end well for you.
TigerCub Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 I asked him if we were still good and if he still knew what direction he wanted us going in. To my surprise, he was a little confused, he said he didn't know if jumping in to a serious relationship was the right thing to do and that he has been thinking about that a lot lately. I was shocked and backed away a little because I was just like not expecting his response. I find this interesting. You ask a guy a question He answers you honestly You weren't expecting that particular response so he had to spend X amount of time trying to back-peddle and make up stuff about dreams, etc..... I think you should take his initial response as the absolute truth. He only said the rest of the stuff because of the way you reacted (because you weren't expecting that answer). a 4 month time period isn't long enough (for most people) to get over a 5 year relationship. Maybe you guys can just be friends for a while - not FWB, but friends, and that way you wouldn't have invested your heart so soon. Good luck to you
Author Madilyn09 Posted September 21, 2010 Author Posted September 21, 2010 Yeah I think I am just going to take a few steps back and if he wants to see me and I'm not busy then that's fine. I just won't put my all into it like i was before. I think he really wants to be with you, he texts me every day that we aren't together and he is always the one to initiate everything, I pretty much let him take the reigns because I don't want to make him do anything he doesn't want to. It is a big thing for a 27 year old to introduce a 20 year old to his parents. He isn't the type of person that would intentionally hurt someone or be careless about another's emotions. He is very sensitive. I think taking it slow is a good idea and that I will just see where it goes from here. I don't think that having your gaurd up all the time is the best thing either because then you never really know what it's like to live and feel what is real about life. There are so many beautiful things behind those walls. I just wanted to see what people would say from an objective view point. Thanks for all of your support and I would love to hear more advice!
Recommended Posts