The Bs and The AP are more different tha you may think.

[pureinheart]

You are getting the "heartless" comments because you're not lamenting about your fond memories of your xOW.

 

With that attitude, you won't score a lot of points with the OW crowd here on LS.

 

I am glad though that you did man up to your poor choices all those years ago and I'm sure that you're ability to own your decisions made a lot of difference to your wife when she decided if she could give you another chance. It seems that you had a good outcome.

 

Snowflower, if TB's post would have been written in reverse...wife got fast food and OW got limos and wined and dined..."the BS crowd" would have broken out the tar and feathers. Following the tar and feathers there would have been a hanging immediately.

 

TB had no heart for his OW...in his post she sounded not even worthy of being a piece of meat...

[Summer Breeze]

Oh, if only OTHERS could see it so clearly.

 

It's because it's not always the case. He's speaking from the view of someone who was callous to his W when it suited him and then to his OW when it suited him. He is a whole lot different to my MM and many I read about on these threads.

[donnamaybe]

It's because it's not always the case. He's speaking from the view of someone who was callous to his W when it suited him and then to his OW when it suited him. He is a whole lot different to my MM and many I read about on these threads.

Probably not so much. He's already stated on LS that he told the OW what he knew she wanted to hear. Seems to me there's a LOT of that going on. And HIS OW probably ALSO believed her MM would never lie to HER either.

[thomasb]

Actually, I don't think I did lie to my wife about much during the affair. She worked nights, everything happened then. Evaded the whole truth, yes. Outright tried to make my wife feel like she was crazy or delusional, no. I would have never had the stomach for that. And I couldn't take the shifting of the truth up long either before I had to tell her the truth.

It does not excuse the affair. Nothing does... or will ever.

[Summer Breeze]

Probably not so much. He's already stated on LS that he told the OW what he knew she wanted to hear. Seems to me there's a LOT of that going on. And HIS OW probably ALSO believed her MM would never lie to HER either.

 

Sorry I've not memorized everything that's been posted by every poster. I did see him (and acknowledge it in one of my previous posts) say he told her what he wanted her to believe.

 

Guess what. He was one of the MM who really was lying! Just like some of the WS that reconcile and have no intention of reconciling. Everybody's got to take their chance and do what they think is right.

[thomasb]

Wow, sure seems like some people here just want to hear how much I luvvvvved OW. But I never lied to her about that and I'm not starting now!

[Summer Breeze]

Actually, I don't think I did lie to my wife about much during the affair. She worked nights, everything happened then. Evaded the whole truth, yes. Outright tried to make my wife feel like she was crazy or delusional, no. I would have never had the stomach for that. And I couldn't take the shifting of the truth up long either before I had to tell her the truth.

It does not excuse the affair. Nothing does... or will ever.

 

 

I love it. So you were able to take the cowards way out of being a coward. You could have been my dad.

 

You're spot on with the last line though.

[donnamaybe]

Sometimes what's REALLY going on is so incredibly obvious that it positively boggles the mind to think that anyone could be so naive.

[Summer Breeze]

Wow, sure seems like some people here just want to hear how much I luvvvvved OW. But I never lied to her about that and I'm not starting now!

 

Nope I personally would like to think there was something redeeming about you. You didn't have to love your OW at all. You just come across as ruthlessly using her and when you were done with her just put her out in the bin.

 

That's my impression anyway.

[thomasb]

What exactly is cowardly about admitting you have made a horrible mistake and doing everything you can to make up for it. I wonder if you would be saying this if I had thrown my wife and boys under the bus.

[donnamaybe]

You just come across as ruthlessly using her and when you were done with her just put her out in the bin.

But there are SO many who don't make their MM make a choice. I wonder what their wonderful MM would do if they did?

[thomasb]

What do you expect a person to do when they have said the affair is over. Buy them a caddy, chat over coffee a few more times, maybe a goodbye last fling. Not the way to go about reconciling with my wife if you were to ask our counsellor.

[Summer Breeze]

Sometimes what's REALLY going on is so incredibly obvious that it positively boggles the mind to think that anyone could be so naive.

 

Hitler used Europe as a playground and killed millions before anyone raised a finger against him. He was as obvious as a person could be but the world couldn't believe he could do what he was really doing. People see what they want to see and they believe what they want to believe. Only when they are either hit with it directly or there is some sort of confrontation to force the change will it change.

 

I'm not comparing any party in an A to Hitler. I'm using the situation as a representation as to what humans are willing to accept and see. I agree with you that sometimes the mind boggles about what people will accept and what they won't, what they see and what they don't.

[Owl]

So to me, it appears that both the W and the OW were getting Taco Bell...the only person who was getting his fill the whole time was TB.

 

He lied to the OW (told her what she wanted to hear in order to maintain the affair), he lied to his wife (a lie by ommission is still a lie), both women were deceived in some fashion for as long as he could maintain the status quo until he was flat out busted and forced to make a decision. Once he did, it took him a short time to do so (the only unusual thing I've noted about his story so far)...he threw OW under the bus, and has been working on reconciliation ever since.

 

What's so amazing by this? This is pretty much 'affairs 101'.

 

(Not busting you out, TB...just making the point that you've not done anything different/better/worse than anyone else has.)

 

I don't see what everyone is up in arms about in his situation? Like I said...textbook.

[pureinheart]

I never have and never will bad mouth my wife.

 

BTW, I am not trying to throw a bunch of guilt and condemnation because what is done, is done. I read some of your responses and this is just my opinion.

 

You may not have "bad mouthed" your W, although to the OW you bad mouthed the M. Having an A IMO says there is something severely wrong with the M or the M is over.

 

In replies it is apparent you do not like the OW. Is it possible you led her to believe there was a future with her. Do you think your treatment of her would piss anyone off in her shoes.

 

If she was out of line, you must have known this before the A, no? I think she got used and knew it, and reacted.

[thomasb]

Only thing you got wrong Owl was that I got busted. I told OW it was done and went home sat my wife down and confessed the truth. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But, it was the right thing.

[Summer Breeze]

But there are SO many who don't make their MM make a choice. I wonder what their wonderful MM would do if they did?

 

They would do what most humans do, especially men, take the path of least resistance. Most men won't gamble on leaving what is comfortable. Sometimes that means the realization is Oh My God I can't believe I almost screwed up the best thing in my life and I'll spend the rest of my life making sure my W knows how sorry I am...sometimes it means lying back till the coast is clear and going through the motions. Just because someone stays in a M after the A doesn't mean there are no feelings and the A was nothing. I love the looks of the new houses down the road, but I'm not going to go to the trouble of packing up and moving when I'm perfectly content where I am.

 

My exH and I had it out and he didn't have the option to stay home. He would have. He would have stayed and jumped over the moon if I'd asked. I couldn't deal with it so ended things and they've been married happily for many years now. What would have happened if I'd stayed put? He wouldn't have gone near her, not for the foreseeable future anyway!

[thomasb]

I did not stay with my wife because it was comfortable. If anyone thinks life for a couple years with a very upset BW is easy you have another think coming. The easy thing to do would have been to leave and start all over with someone new. Reconcilling my marriage is the hardest thing I've ever accomplished. I was damn lucky I could.

[Owl]

Only thing you got wrong Owl was that I got busted. I told OW it was done and went home sat my wife down and confessed the truth. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But, it was the right thing.

 

My apologies, TB. Kudos to you for actively taking ownership and ending the affair and confessing. One other thing that's unusual about your story then...most affairs continue until they're found out, rather than ending voluntarily.

 

You did what we always try to get people to do...make a choice, pick your goal, and work towards it.

 

Again...I don't have any issue with the steps you took here...other than starting the affair in the first place...which you acknowledge as your biggest error too.

[thomasb]

Thanks, Owl.

[anne1707]

I did not stay with my wife because it was comfortable. If anyone thinks life for a couple years with a very upset BW is easy you have another think coming. The easy thing to do would have been to leave and start all over with someone new. Reconcilling my marriage is the hardest thing I've ever accomplished. I was damn lucky I could.

 

As a former WS who has been lucky enough to reconcile with my H, I totally understand and agree with this. I also do not think there is anything so terrible in the posts you have made about your affair that justifies the criticism being made of you - as if it is alright to treat the BS badly but not the AP . I know that I have posted on this site about how I lied to the ex-OM through omission - I let him believe my marriage was unhappy when it was not. I admit I was a selfish, heartless cake-eater who only really looked out for myself for years.

 

Unfortunately many believe that the WS does not lie to the AP inspite of their very obvious capacity to do so) - after all, they know the WS so well that they would be able to tell. This shows a complete disregard for the BS and their knowledge of the WS for a far longer period and in a full-time committed relationship.

[donnamaybe]

Hitler used Europe as a playground and killed millions before anyone raised a finger against him. He was as obvious as a person could be but the world couldn't believe he could do what he was really doing. People see what they want to see and they believe what they want to believe. Only when they are either hit with it directly or there is some sort of confrontation to force the change will it change.

 

I'm not comparing any party in an A to Hitler. I'm using the situation as a representation as to what humans are willing to accept and see. I agree with you that sometimes the mind boggles about what people will accept and what they won't, what they see and what they don't.

You're SERIOUSLY going to try to compare something that happened oceans and countries away YEARS before the advent of the internet and even TV which wasn't seen first hand until it was brought to light with an A partner being involved for years and years and years and hearing face to face the same old song and dance and STILL allowing themselves to think they'll ever be the "chosen one?"

[donnamaybe]

They would do what most humans do, especially men, take the path of least resistance. Most men won't gamble on leaving what is comfortable. Sometimes that means the realization is Oh My God I can't believe I almost screwed up the best thing in my life and I'll spend the rest of my life making sure my W knows how sorry I am...sometimes it means lying back till the coast is clear and going through the motions. Just because someone stays in a M after the A doesn't mean there are no feelings and the A was nothing. I love the looks of the new houses down the road, but I'm not going to go to the trouble of packing up and moving when I'm perfectly content where I am.

Well THAT should be quite comforting to all the A partners waiting around.

[pureinheart]

Wow, sure seems like some people here just want to hear how much I luvvvvved OW. But I never lied to her about that and I'm not starting now!

 

No, just that she is a human being.

 

You gaslighted your OW...you stated this in your first post on this thread. If she did something deplorable to you after that, then what would you expect after the treatment/gaslighting/abuse towards her?

 

I am not condoning if OW did do something uncool to you or your family, that is never ok...IMO you just suck it up and move on (meaning OW in this case).

 

This is how I feel...OW has nothing to do with W, her issue is with you, on the other hand you have issue with two people as you are the common denominator.

[Summer Breeze]

I did not stay with my wife because it was comfortable. If anyone thinks life for a couple years with a very upset BW is easy you have another think coming. The easy thing to do would have been to leave and start all over with someone new. Reconcilling my marriage is the hardest thing I've ever accomplished. I was damn lucky I could.

 

I'm not sure you are referring to me about this but I wasn't specifically talking about you. Converesly to your comment what about the WS who go back to the AP time and time again even while living with a very upset BW? As a great friend of mine told me (man who cheated on his wife) it was easier to stay home than to not be at home.

 

You were lucky and you did well by your wife in the end.