The Bs and The AP are more different tha you may think.

[OWoman]

And that's the best question you asked:

 

"WHY is HE STILL with her?"

 

Because that says more about him, the man, than it does about his evil incarnate wife, IMHO.

 

Absolutely. "Battered Woman Syndrome" (though it applies to men and children too) affects someone's ability to make sane, rational judgments - it's like "gaslighting" on a grand scale. Thank god for IC

[OWoman]

I'm with Spark here - you got everything you wanted, your H got out of a dysfunctional marriage and the two of you are happy together now. Why continue to bash his exW here and on your blog? She literally handed you what you wanted on a silver platter with her apparently dismissive and abusive behavior toward her exH - why keep digging at her now that she is no longer part of the picture?

 

So posting about an equally true scenario here constitutes "bashing"? Challenging a dominant stereotype by presenting a different picture so as to create a fuller, more accurate depiction of the range of experience, is "bashing"?

 

I don't see that censoring what may appear to some people as outliers (but for those that experience them, appear as accurate depictions of reality) does a favour to those whose experience it erases. My H was not the only WS in a triangle represented on these boards whose M was abusive. Posting about it allows those OPs who recognise the patterns in their own MPs M to reflect on the issues in a way that's relevant to their own contexts, rather than being driven off by the mantra which asserts that all WS are evil incarnate and no BS has ever done anything bad in their Ms.

 

The blog is something else entirely and discussing that would be O/T.

 

Your fBW is not like the ones that are mentioned generally here on this thread - a good deal of them are like the ones mentioned here, going through life thinking nothing is wrong and having what appears to be a happy and stable marriage while their H sneaks off and has his compartmentalized fun.

 

Exactly. It would remain a partial picture without the addition of those experiences that don't fit this neat stereotype.

[OWoman]

OWoman, I understand that your H's marriage was dreadfully unhappy and that you and he are now married and in love and happy. Not all A's end up that way, not all marriages are the way you portray them and judging by the pain of a lot of OW/OM, most A's aren't so good and fulfilling as yours. I so hope that you never, ever have to post on a board that you are a BS and that if you do, you don't come accross posts that are intended to hurt. If all marriages where A's are a factor were so dammed bad, the MP would be running for the hills with OW/OM in tow, truth is, very few do and that is a huge difference between the two relationships. I still find it odd that you have such a poor view of BS especially considering that you are now happily married. I understand your posting your experiences to give OW/OM hope and an understanding of how some A's pan out, but I don't get the hostility.

 

Not BS in general - just this particular one. Yes I do feel anger toward her, each time the kids do or say something that shows up their dysfunctional childhood. I can't forgive her that, though I hope that in time they will be able to.

[Steadfast]

I continue to be amazed at the depth and understanding of various posters on this forum. That's doubled by their ability to express themselves with such clarity and thoughtfulness. Thank you for this post. It rings so true.

[eeyore1981]

Not BS in general - just this particular one. Yes I do feel anger toward her, each time the kids do or say something that shows up their dysfunctional childhood. I can't forgive her that, though I hope that in time they will be able to.

 

My apologies. I remember someone posting in here about having multiple affairs with multiple MM, and making several allusions to how those BS's pretty much got what they deserved, and I mistakenly thought that was you.

[donnamaybe]

The wife sees the husband getting ready for a business dinner. She throws a tantrum because she wanted to go out tonight, even though he wrote the engagement in the calendar on the kitchen wall ages ago. She didn't think he would go, after she was so rude to his colleagues the other day. She thinks she'll go out anyway, once the kids are in bed. No one will know.

That may be YOUR H's ex, but I don't know ANY women who are like the descriptors you have provided.

 

There must be some REALLY awful women where you live.

[Spark1111]

Not BS plural, (f)BW singular. It was a description of a specific case, not a generic description of all BWs. BSs are all different, with only one thing in common (that their WSs had an A). Posting a single description to cover ALL BSs wouldn't be possible - hence my positing of a different kind (but very accurate, in my case) of scenario to show that there's no one size that fits all.

 

No, I get it. I truly do.

 

And not all OW are the same either. And sometimes it comes as a complete surprise to the fBS after, oh let's say two years. And a very accurate description is posted here. And a fWS over time comes to realize their AP was NOT AT ALL the sweet innocent victim they portrayed themselves to be.

 

And when there is a reference to some of the really cunning, soul-destroying evil incarnate ones.....

 

Entire threads are started on the OW/OM forum to bash the poster, the fWS, whatever.

 

And it is a limiting view, or one taken way too personally.

 

If it does not apply to one's experience, or perceptions, or personal experiences, then it does not apply.

 

And the indictment of all OWs, or ALL BSs, or ALL OW/OM is not productive, supportive, or of a nature that promotes healing, IMHO.

[Dexter Morgan]

What an evil twist!

 

I'm guessing all OW have such twisted thoughts now. It helps them sleep at night and to be able to look at themselves in a mirror.

 

and just another reason why the BS and AP are not quite similar.

[jennie-jennie]

The wife blindly trusts her husband. She has no reason to believe he would cheat. They have a great life together.

 

The ow has nagging doubts about his honesty because she knows how he can so easily lie to his wife and kids.

 

The wife Has no reason to worry when a meeting at work runs late or has any concerns when he is on a business trip. He calls her continually to update her on things.

 

The ow worries as the man leaves the room to call his wife. The ow worries everytime the wife calls him just to chat. The ow has some doubts again as to his honesty as he talks so often to his wife.

 

The wife has built a life and a family with this man and happily smiles and greets him with a hug and a kiss as he walks in the door 3 hours late. She worries about the stress he is under at work and cuddles him as he drifts off to sleep.

 

The ow is so happy. She spent a whole 2 hours with him hidden in her home or a dark seedy bar none of his friends would be seen in,(not 3, you have to include drive time to get to affairland and home to wife). She goes to sleep happy but alone dreaming of the next time they can scrape together a few hours.

 

The man is sick. The wife spends a quiet day nurturing him.

 

The man called off of work. He can't contact the ow and she spends her day worrying if something horrid happened or if he is spending the day with an oow. She has doubts. She knows he lies to his wife so easily.

 

The man takes a vacation. The family has a lovely relaxing time like vacations are supposed to be. He tells his wife he has to check his office. She smiles, she trusts him. She is thankful he works so hard for his family.

 

The ow is happy and smiling. He called her!! She had a 15 minute conversation with him during his ten day exotic vacation. He is miserable, having an awful time and misses her so much. All is well in ow's world but she has doubts, she knows he lies to his wife so easily...

 

 

I could go on and on how very different these two womens lives are. Very sad for both women but more so for the one who is so in the dark about the turn her life has taken.

 

I often wonder why BSs present versions of the OW's lives which ring so untrue in the ears of many OW. It is very provocative to present what might be the truth for some (likely a minority) OW as the be-all truth for all OW.

 

Is this how the BS wish the lives of the OW are, and being ignorant enough not having experienced it themselves they do not realize that their version is only the BS' fantasy version?

 

My MM's wife is not abusive like OWoman's, yet her story is so much closer to mine than Greengoddess'.

 

Sorry, BSs, I think you do not realize how much love we OW are actually getting from your husbands. When it comes to love we have nothing to be jealous of you about.

[donnamaybe]

I hope love is enough for OW, since it looks like they don't get much else.

Or perhaps stories to keep them where they want them... ?

[Owl]

I often wonder why BSs present versions of the OW's lives which ring so untrue in the ears of many OW. It is very provocative to present what might be the truth for some (likely a minority) OW as the be-all truth for all OW.

 

I agree that it is very provocative to do so...and yet we see it happen daily here from both sides of the fence.

 

Is this how the BS wish the lives of the OW are, and being ignorant enough not having experienced it themselves they do not realize that their version is only the BS' fantasy version?

 

My MM's wife is not abusive like OWoman's, yet her story is so much closer to mine than Greengoddess'.

 

I suspect that different "stories" are biased in either direction by which side of the fence we're sitting on.

 

I have no doubt that MY view of things is colored by my perceptions and preconceptions as a BS...by my experiences and opinions.

 

Just as I believe that YOUR view is similarily altered by YOUR perceptions and beliefs.

 

I'd also bet that "reality" is somewhere between your perception and mine.

 

There's no "fantasy version" here...only what each side sees from their own perspectives.

 

Sorry, BSs, I think you do not realize how much love we OW are actually getting from your husbands. When it comes to love we have nothing to be jealous of you about.

 

Sorry OW, but I don't think you realize how little truly know about what really goes on at home when he/she's not with you. How the love often does still exist and is shared, and that the "perception" you have is based of the lies you're being told to perpetuate the situation.

 

See...those very unapologetic apologies are pretty lame when you look at them. Not much value in them, or in trying to hurt others with them.

[greengoddess]

I often wonder why BSs present versions of the OW's lives which ring so untrue in the ears of many OW. It is very provocative to present what might be the truth for some (likely a minority) OW as the be-all truth for all OW.

 

Is this how the BS wish the lives of the OW are, and being ignorant enough not having experienced it themselves they do not realize that their version is only the BS' fantasy version?

 

My MM's wife is not abusive like OWoman's, yet her story is so much closer to mine than Greengoddess'.

 

Sorry, BSs, I think you do not realize how much love we OW are actually getting from your husbands. When it comes to love we have nothing to be jealous of you about.

 

Actually jennie my take of the ow for this example came from an ow website where you read the same insecurities daily from the ow. The same need a perfect dress, hair, nails and brazallian wax thread. The same my mm is on vacation with his family thread, the same saw mm's wife at the office party thread etc etc. The same it's the weekend and I can't contact my mm thread. the same mm is not at work today thread. They were not made up but thought out from post after post of the ow's insecurities in their relationships.

[Snowflower]

I often wonder why BSs present versions of the OW's lives which ring so untrue in the ears of many OW. It is very provocative to present what might be the truth for some (likely a minority) OW as the be-all truth for all OW.

 

Is this how the BS wish the lives of the OW are, and being ignorant enough not having experienced it themselves they do not realize that their version is only the BS' fantasy version?

 

Fair enough...but then it could also be said for the OW as well...so I will re-phrase your words:

 

I often wonder why OW present versions of the BS's lives which ring so untrue in the ears of many BS. It is very provocative to present what might be the truth for some (likely a minority) BS as the be-all truth for all BS.

 

To take this further, examples include...

 

The BS knows about the affair but doesn't care.

The BS should know about the affair but refuses to open her eyes.

The BS is only with the WS so that the OW won't be able to have him.

 

 

Sorry, BSs, I think you do not realize how much love we OW are actually getting from your husbands. When it comes to love we have nothing to be jealous of you about.

 

Trust me, this thought does not keep me awake at night.

[Silly_Girl]

There's no 'winner' is there? It's all just, well... 'not nice'. I have no choice but to generalise here:

 

I think the OW's have the benefit of knowledge. Of being aware their 'romantic opponent' (yuk!!) exists. And to some extent that gives them more power than the BS i.e. they can share, or they can not-share. The BS's don't get chance to fight for their relationship, or to shun a cheater, because mostly they don't know.

 

The BS's may be in 'blissful ignorance' but they're definitely getting the raw end of the deal in my view.

 

But the OW's often don't get a true representation of what's going on at home. It sounds silly, because I maintain my guy didn't lie to me. But I bet he didn't share every last detail either. And some MM's are definitely camping it right up on the whole double-life scenario. And loving every minute, some of them. The OW's then are not benefitting from the knowledge I refer to above, so both are in the same boat.

 

Then there are all the exceptions (here I immediately think of OWoman), which I don't think should be ignored. I think it's important to remember not all of these affairs follow the script. But certainly not all of them are the exception.

[Mimolicious]

I often wonder why BSs present versions of the OW's lives which ring so untrue in the ears of many OW. It is very provocative to present what might be the truth for some (likely a minority) OW as the be-all truth for all OW.

 

Is this how the BS wish the lives of the OW are, and being ignorant enough not having experienced it themselves they do not realize that their version is only the BS' fantasy version?

 

My MM's wife is not abusive like OWoman's, yet her story is so much closer to mine than Greengoddess'.

 

Sorry, BSs, I think you do not realize how much love we OW are actually getting from your husbands. When it comes to love we have nothing to be jealous of you about.

 

 

With all due respect JJ, this sounds hilarious. You are preaching something that you are actually failing to practice. Nice! This can also be called "being ignorant" but yet the world is not flat. Your perception applies to your story or it may just be convenient, not exactly how it may really be.

 

The bold part- Please save the Danielle Steele's melodrama for someone that you can actually belittle with such nonsense. This sounds sooooo High School. If you really had nothing to be "jealous" about, then you wouldn't want something that to begin with was not yours (not as in you, JJ this is in general). Let's save the copy and paste quote of "nobody belongs to anyone" because if that is the case, then you (not you) claiming MM holds zippo substance as well- very cliche!

[ladydesigner]

There's no 'winner' is there? It's all just, well... 'not nice'. I have no choice but to generalise here:

 

I think the OW's have the benefit of knowledge. Of being aware their 'romantic opponent' (yuk!!) exists. And to some extent that gives them more power than the BS i.e. they can share, or they can not-share. The BS's don't get chance to fight for their relationship, or to shun a cheater, because mostly they don't know.

 

The BS's may be in 'blissful ignorance' but they're definitely getting the raw end of the deal in my view.

 

But the OW's often don't get a true representation of what's going on at home. It sounds silly, because I maintain my guy didn't lie to me. But I bet he didn't share every last detail either. And some MM's are definitely camping it right up on the whole double-life scenario. And loving every minute, some of them. The OW's then are not benefitting from the knowledge I refer to above, so both are in the same boat.

 

Then there are all the exceptions (here I immediately think of OWoman), which I don't think should be ignored. I think it's important to remember not all of these affairs follow the script. But certainly not all of them are the exception.

 

This is a great post that I can identify from both sides of the equation as I have been on both sides. I believe this to be spot on.

[TinaniT]

I often wonder why BSs present versions of the OW's lives which ring so untrue in the ears of many OW. It is very provocative to present what might be the truth for some (likely a minority) OW as the be-all truth for all OW.

 

Is this how the BS wish the lives of the OW are, and being ignorant enough not having experienced it themselves they do not realize that their version is only the BS' fantasy version?

 

My MM's wife is not abusive like OWoman's, yet her story is so much closer to mine than Greengoddess'.

 

Sorry, BSs, I think you do not realize how much love we OW are actually getting from your husbands. When it comes to love we have nothing to be jealous of you about.

 

I agree. The story bothered me in its inaccuracies... and I have been BS and OW.

 

My husband as a WS was more of the line of behaving in two separate ways, I have realized since, and lied about the OW. I should have known when he acted so cruelly about her but claimed she wouldn't go away no matter what he said. He was affectionate at home. If only she had taken him! No, I kid, she doesn't deserve an abusive **** who is extremely charming and deceptive either. And our marriage was deeply flawed before the marriage... so I put the fault with him, and with our marriage and our choices (including mine) not the OW. And so when the OW was in the picture, even though he was affectionate at home and I did not have any clue of the cheating until I found out, didn't think he was even capable, our marriage was not great at home because there were things that were clearly wrong.

 

But I know my MM did not lie about anything to me about the state of his marriage and did not behave in a "married" way when he was home. And, of course, he immediately initiated divorce. Before than even, I got all the love anyone could ask for, and any time or concern or money or whatever I asked for, plus a lot more. I certainly was treated better as an OW than a BS, and had less doubts.

 

That does not mean that's always the case, but it was in my case, and I'm sure in others, and I'm sure in others it's more as depicted in the original post.

 

 

So the problem is, painting it as a broad brush to try to hurt the other person. I feel, having been on all sides of the triangle (I count WS too because even though we were "open" at that point, as serious as it got was way out of bounds agreed upon), that it's incredibly unproductive to demonize any one part in all situations. Because every situation is different.

 

 

I came to clarify because I posted before a short line because I was irritated but it wasn't an intent to slam "BS's" by any stretch and now that some others have explained it feels easier to do so myself.

 

 

((And no, I don't think that the BS and OW are always that different, even in one scenario. I probably would have disagreed right after finding out about my husband's OW, but long before I became an OW, I realized that it was not true that we were drastically different.))

Edited September 21, 2010 by TinaniT

[greengoddess]

I agree. The story bothered me in its inaccuracies... and I have been BS and OW.

 

My husband as a WS was more of the line of behaving in two separate ways, I have realized since, and lied about the OW. I should have known when he acted so cruelly about her but claimed she wouldn't go away no matter what he said. He was affectionate at home. If only she had taken him! No, I kid, she doesn't deserve an abusive **** who is extremely charming and deceptive either. And our marriage was deeply flawed before the marriage... so I put the fault with him, and with our marriage and our choices (including mine) not the OW. And so when the OW was in the picture, even though he was affectionate at home and I did not have any clue of the cheating until I found out, didn't think he was even capable, our marriage was not great at home because there were things that were clearly wrong.

 

But I know my MM did not lie about anything to me about the state of his marriage and did not behave in a "married" way when he was home. And, of course, he immediately initiated divorce. Before than even, I got all the love anyone could ask for, and any time or concern or money or whatever I asked for, plus a lot more. I certainly was treated better as an OW than a BS, and had less doubts.

 

That does not mean that's always the case, but it was in my case, and I'm sure in others, and I'm sure in others it's more as depicted in the original post.

 

 

So the problem is, painting it as a broad brush to try to hurt the other person. I feel, having been on all sides of the triangle (I count WS too because even though we were "open" at that point, as serious as it got was way out of bounds agreed upon), that it's incredibly unproductive to demonize any one part in all situations. Because every situation is different.

 

 

I came to clarify because I posted before a short line because I was irritated but it wasn't an intent to slam "BS's" by any stretch and now that some others have explained it feels easier to do so myself.

 

 

((And no, I don't think that the BS and OW are always that different, even in one scenario. I probably would have disagreed right after finding out about my husband's OW, but long before I became an OW, I realized that it was not true that we were drastically different.))

 

Didn't his relationship failings with his wife have nothing to do with you? Didn't you say he had already decided to divorce his wife before he met you and had already gone to a lawyer? I am surprised you relate yourself to an ow in this scenario.

[TinaniT]

Didn't his relationship failings with his wife have nothing to do with you? Didn't you say he had already decided to divorce his wife before he met you and had already gone to a lawyer? I am surprised you relate yourself to an ow in this scenario.

 

Yes, he had gone to a lawyer but had not told his wife, and had not initiated divorce until after we met. His original intent was not to for several years, waiting for the kids. I do consider myself an OW because he was married and I knew nothing to the contrary when we met. *shrug* So while the specific scenario I do not relate to (which is partly my point), I do relate to the term "OW" and when it is somewhat slamming OW I feel the need to respond. (I don't think slamming BS's is appropriate either, for the record. I didn't see that in the first post in the thread that started this one, but I have seen it from that poster since it was suggested I look, so I get a little of where this came from)

[HappyAtLast]

"The wife casually gets ready for her husbands business dinner and she feeds the kids and chats with the babysitter. She goes through no special grooming rituals. It's a night out with her husband and his coworkers. She has many such nights out with him. She looks her best and feels confident and happy to be on her husbands arm."

 

What would be an even nicer story would be if the husband were getting ready to accompany his wife out for her business dinner.

 

Nothing reminds me more of how captivating I have found my wife for the last forty years and how captivating I still find her today than to watch her among her co-workers, or receiving praise from grateful parents or being honored with an award.

 

The mention of the other woman as a co-worker in the story may not exactly be the best way to illustrate your point, as I believe in this day and age men find accomplished women to be quite desirable.

[seren]

Hooray and smartie point for Happy at Last, to recognise that not all BS or wives are dowdy or non achievers. My H always says how proud he is to see me speak in front of a large crowd, to know that I have had papers published, he even takes them to work, even showed the OW! How bizarre is that?

 

In fact, he is soon to give up work to be a house husband to support my new career change and I so, so admire him for doing so, just the same as I admire SAHM or wives who support their partners. It's what a relationship is all about after all - support love and pride. As for not getting ready to go to dinners, H laughed hard at that one, it is known I plan days ahead. Stereotypes, don't you just love them?

[pureinheart]

So posting about an equally true scenario here constitutes "bashing"? Challenging a dominant stereotype by presenting a different picture so as to create a fuller, more accurate depiction of the range of experience, is "bashing"?

 

I don't see that censoring what may appear to some people as outliers (but for those that experience them, appear as accurate depictions of reality) does a favour to those whose experience it erases. My H was not the only WS in a triangle represented on these boards whose M was abusive. Posting about it allows those OPs who recognise the patterns in their own MPs M to reflect on the issues in a way that's relevant to their own contexts, rather than being driven off by the mantra which asserts that all WS are evil incarnate and no BS has ever done anything bad in their Ms.

 

The blog is something else entirely and discussing that would be O/T.

 

Exactly. It would remain a partial picture without the addition of those experiences that don't fit this neat stereotype.

 

 

I totally agree with the OP concerning the opening sentance, as for the rest I am unable to indentify as mine is more of a representation of the abused WS.

 

ExDM's exW and myself are completely different. I don't like her, nor what she did, and I would avoid her at all costs. I do realise that noone is perfect, yet there are lines that are crossed IMO, that separate rational/irrational, she crossed those at every turn.

 

I would have the same reaction/opinion concerning a WS/OW/OM who chose to act completely discusting, such as a thread on the OM/OW Forum depicting behavior from a OW that was completely unacceptable.

 

There are many abused WS's, yet the admonition (especially men) are few and far between due to the difficulty for them to communicate these things as freely as women do.

 

One day at work exDM made a mistake of some sort concerning me, he said, "hit me"...I said, "what?????" completely shocked by this context of this verbage...he said, "I screwed up, so hit me, you need to hit me for the offense"...I said, "no, I don't want to hit you"...he continued to insist, I walked away shaking my head. I found out later his mother was extremely physically abusive and inturn he M someone who could fill the shoes of his mother.

Edited September 25, 2010 by pureinheart

[Summer Breeze]

The wife blindly trusts her husband. She has no reason to believe he would cheat. They have a great life together.

I am constantly amazed that his W blindly trusts him. That anyone blindly trusts anyone in any circumstance.

 

The ow has nagging doubts about his honesty because she knows how he can so easily lie to his wife and kids.

I never had a doubt about his honesty to me. He had no reason to lie to me at all. We both had lives away from each other that we didn't speak about. He was married and I was dating. He didn't want to hear about me going to dinner and out and about with someone any more than I wanted to hear about it with him. Overall he was far more jealous than I was.

 

The wife Has no reason to worry when a meeting at work runs late or has any concerns when he is on a business trip. He calls her continually to update her on things.

As a W I never settled on his calls to me. I called him on landlines and to this day would do just the same. I'm as happy to ring a conference center or restaurant where a meeting is taking place. If he wouldn't tell me where he is and give me the number it would be a huge red flag.

 

The ow worries as the man leaves the room to call his wife. The ow worries everytime the wife calls him just to chat. The ow has some doubts again as to his honesty as he talks so often to his wife.

My xMM never left the room to call her. I never left the room to speak to anyone calling me. I think it would amaze BS how many conversations they are having with their H's and the OW is right there next to them. Why would it call to question his honesty? If he's married and trying to shed her suspecting something why would he not be making the calls?

 

The wife has built a life and a family with this man and happily smiles and greets him with a hug and a kiss as he walks in the door 3 hours late. She worries about the stress he is under at work and cuddles him as he drifts off to sleep.

This crushed me as a BS. To think he let me go along with the notion all was good in our world. Even when I suspected and made noises that I suspected he still did this. One of the main reasons that when I found out the truth of the situation we were done.

 

The ow is so happy. She spent a whole 2 hours with him hidden in her home or a dark seedy bar none of his friends would be seen in,(not 3, you have to include drive time to get to affairland and home to wife). She goes to sleep happy but alone dreaming of the next time they can scrape together a few hours.

I never had less than 3 days with xMM and it was normally in some very posh hotels or resorts. We didn't scrape together hours, we planned and enjoyed extended lengths of time together. Contrary to every movie of the week ever made, sometimes an A is actually very special and meaningful.

 

The man is sick. The wife spends a quiet day nurturing him.

I never nurtured my exH when he was ill. He'd lie in the room dying of manflu and I'd go about my day. If he needed a drink or something I'd take it to him but your sentence makes it sound like a W dons a nurse outfit and lets the rest of her world fall away.

 

The man called off of work. He can't contact the ow and she spends her day worrying if something horrid happened or if he is spending the day with an oow. She has doubts. She knows he lies to his wife so easily.

I never worried about an oow. I think you'd find that's probably less likely than a man dying from manflu. ExMM used to ring me when he was ill and let me know. With comms the way they are now I think you'd find it unlikely the MM couldn't get word to the OW they've got the sniffles. Even if they didn't you'd find an OW probably wouldn't start 'worrying' until a few days have passed. He lies to his wife so easily so that automatically means he's lying to his OW. Right. My exMM never lied to me and my exH never lied to his OW.

 

The man takes a vacation. The family has a lovely relaxing time like vacations are supposed to be. He tells his wife he has to check his office. She smiles, she trusts him. She is thankful he works so hard for his family.

Again the thing that really ticked me off when the A was confirmed. He absolutely snowballed me and was on the phone to his OW 5 or 6 times during the day.

 

The ow is happy and smiling. He called her!! She had a 15 minute conversation with him during his ten day exotic vacation. He is miserable, having an awful time and misses her so much. All is well in ow's world but she has doubts, she knows he lies to his wife so easily...

Lol a 15 minute conversation with him? The last trip my exMM made when we were together he was on the phone with me for an hour while he sent photos and made calls about some matching jewelry he wanted to get us. He took a call from my child and he called me from the villa they were in and spoke for a half hour and I could hear her in the background. The best part was the photos. Body language is amazing and facial expressions the same. Out of about 100 shots they were in there wasn't 1 that remotely said 'happy couple' and that was both of them, not just him posing in 100 photos.

 

I could go on and on how very different these two womens lives are. Very sad for both women but more so for the one who is so in the dark about the turn her life has taken.

 

They are different at points in the relationships and they are the same at other points. My personal and individual responses in bold.

[Summer Breeze]

The wife casually gets ready for her husbands business dinner and she feeds the kids and chats with the babysitter. She goes through no special grooming rituals. It's a night out with her husband and his coworkers. She has many such nights out with him. She looks her best and feels confident and happy to be on her husbands arm.

 

The ow is a nervous wreck knowing "her boyfriend" is going to be with his wife tonight in her presense. She nervously goes through a half a dozen clothing changes and spends hours previously at the spa getting waxed and primped in nervous anticipation of him spending the evening with her.

This is hilarious. I'm sorry OP but this is absolutely hilarious! I was with exMM in his Ws presence loads of times and I never did anything special. I am what I am. I'm proud and put on the same makeup and wore the same outfit I'd have worn whether or not she was there. You're making it look like an OW has no life other than preening. I had a child and a career and friends and dated other people. He loved me for what I was not what I dolled up to become. I think you'd find there are few OW that go to any more lengths in the dating rituals with a MM than they would anyone else. One thing I wish desperately I did as a W. I wish I had carried on some of those dating rituals after I'd been married. I became too complacent and so did he. I learned a huge leson there.

 

The wife meets a coworker who seems a little overdone, a little too coifed, and a little odd as to how close she is standing to her husband. Not to worry. He loves me and that overdone, high maintenance needy type is certainly not his type. She smiles grabs his arm and moves on not giving the co worker another thought.

Oh and again the hilarity. Stands a little too close? I think you'd probably be better looking at the one surrounding herself with other people and always being on the periphery of the H. Look for the little nod or wink from him and you'll find her. I was around exMM but he wasn't the life and soul of my evening. My dates probably wouldn't have liked it either if the truth be told.

 

The ow meets the wife. The mind spins with immediate judgments and first perceptions of her. The mind spins further with she knows, how could she not know he LOVES ME. Omg she knows and is choosing to ignore it so she is basically giving me permission to be with her husband.

Whose mind is spinning? OW? In my case it didn't spin with anything. She's his W and he's my lover. I'd accepted it and was happy to leave it that way till I wasn't. I get such a kick out of people who think that every OW is in this huge competition with the W. There's a natural tendency to size people up but I do that every day even with strangers. As a BS the OW was inconsequential in my life. As an OW the BS was inconsequential in my life. My exMM was the only part of that relationship I thought of.

 

Have to put something here. Answers in bold and again they are mine and personal.

[Summer Breeze]

Can we remember that this is the Infidelity forum, where the BS's should be entitled to post their views and thoughts and not have OW come in here and start ripping apart posts, intending to hurt the BS's, no matter how much those OW and former OW will pretend that wasn't the purpose.

 

This is a forum for BS's -- and some OW want only people who are supportive on that forum; can't the same courtesy be extended by those that routinely complain about the lack of support that is given on the OW forum? Shouldn't it go both ways?

 

There is a distinct lack of support from BS on the OW forum as well as a complete lack of support from OW on this forum. You're asking for it to be equal-it is. Unfortunately it's the nature of the beast. The OP on this thread has evidently gathered insights from OW who are dying inside and spun it into an ABC movie of the week script. I could go to SI and do something similar about BS who are writing about all of their pains and spin something to be completely in support of OW. As long as someone posts something, even if it is so obviously written to niggle as this one was, then I'll post with my experiences on both sides.