The Bs and The AP are more different tha you may think.

[thomasb]

JJ, what religion condones adultery? Far as I now all of them abhor it. Far more than divorce. He can allow her to divorce him based on that. Kind of a conflict if he claims to be so religious and is committing adultery isn't it.

[Summer Breeze]

Not that I would put up with that kind of treatment, but they were ALREADY MARRIED. HUGE difference. At least ONE of his OW probably wanted him full time too. See how THAT never happened?

 

Neither would I but she did because she hoped for more and she got it. To her the pain was worth it.

 

The last bit. I'm sure that when the Canadian ice hockey team won the Olympics they defeated a team that hoped for it just as much as they did. See how THAT never happened?

[Snowflower]

Said perfectly!

 

Thomas I've noticed in your postings that you seem to carry a lot disdain for your OW, I don't get it, because clearly at some point in time, you thought she was someone of worth. Perhaps you've turned the anger you feel toward yourself toward her?

 

There are many people who, after the relationship has ended, can't stand their ex for one reason or another. Why should Thomas be any different?

[donnamaybe]

The last bit. I'm sure that when the Canadian ice hockey team won the Olympics they defeated a team that hoped for it just as much as they did. See how THAT never happened?

That attempt at comparison making is WAY off the charts.

[Owl]

No it doesn't. A dear friend had cancer and there was almost no hope for her. Doctors told the family to not allow themselves to hope. What good would a lack of hope done them? I would rather cling to hope for something than to lose hope and give up before I should.

 

Hope is like a piece of string. How long is the piece of string that represents YOUR hope? How long is MINE? How long is JJ's? Every one of them will be different. It's not up to you to tell anyone they shouldn't hold onto that sliver of hope. What would have told me if I'd said, hey Owl buddy. Your wife had an emotional affair and there's almost zip hope your marriage will recover. Would you have given up on your last sliver of hope? Would you want someone telling you that what was hope in your heart was going to bring you nothing but despair? Are you glad now that if those things were said that you held onto that sliver of hope Owl?

 

This is JJs hope and it's up to her how long the string is.

 

Excellent response.

 

Clinging to hope "against all hope" is very human.

 

And I would absolutely commend a cancer patient for doing so.

 

Commending someone in an affair who's holding on to that "hope against all hope" that he'll eventually devestate and destroy his wife emotionally so that said person can now have an "honest" relationship with the MM....I find myself a little less likely to commend them for holding onto that hope I guess.

 

Comparing a cancer patient to an affair partner is even more ludicrous than JJ's attempt at deflecting the earlier conversation about rationalization to making it sound like someone was comparing cheating to murder.

 

The most realistic of these comparisons was that comparison to my own choice to reconcile. That truly is the closest comparison I could think of that applies. It's a good one.

 

Had I tried for years to reconcile I could agree.

[BB07]

Snowflower said.........

You are getting the "heartless" comments because you're not lamenting about your fond memories of your xOW.

 

With that attitude, you won't score a lot of points with the OW crowd here on LS.

Not true from my point of view...and I don't like being lumped into something just because someone else says it so.

 

To me, it's because of the disgust and disdain that bleeds through in his posts and lets not forget he thought she was "good enough" at one point in time.

 

Now.......I have to admit that i just read the last post that Thomas made and he talks about her bunny boiler behavior, so if that is the case then it's understandable why he feels as he does, but I don't recall him mentioning that before.

 

I am glad though that you did man up to your poor choices all those years ago and I'm sure that you're ability to own your decisions made a lot of difference to your wife when she decided if she could give you another chance. It seems that you had a good outcome.

[Summer Breeze]

No my disdain and disgust came into being after I ended and confessed. That is when her true colors came out. Maybe the contant slurs and attacks against my wife who was innocent of all that were in her mind the way to win me back. She was wrong. All they earned her were a few days in jail and an R.O.

 

So your badmouthing your wife in order to keep your OW 'inline' didn't groom her for this at all? You showing disrespect and disdain over and over didn't set the tone. Yup. I see the OW being the baddy in this one.

 

I will say I'm glad you were man enough to step up to the mark and admit what had been going on. Question for you. Did you do it of your own free will or had OW threatened to out you?

[thomasb]

I never have and never will bad mouth my wife.

[BB07]

There are many people who, after the relationship has ended, can't stand their ex for one reason or another. Why should Thomas be any different?

 

Point taken.............

[Summer Breeze]

Excellent response.

 

Clinging to hope "against all hope" is very human.

 

And I would absolutely commend a cancer patient for doing so.

 

Commending someone in an affair who's holding on to that "hope against all hope" that he'll eventually devestate and destroy his wife emotionally so that said person can now have an "honest" relationship with the MM....I find myself a little less likely to commend them for holding onto that hope I guess.

 

Comparing a cancer patient to an affair partner is even more ludicrous than JJ's attempt at deflecting the earlier conversation about rationalization to making it sound like someone was comparing cheating to murder.

 

The most realistic of these comparisons was that comparison to my own choice to reconcile. That truly is the closest comparison I could think of that applies. It's a good one.

 

Had I tried for years to reconcile I could agree.

 

You know as well as I do I wasn't comparing cancer to adultery. THAT is ludicrous and a great way to try and deflect. You know I was comparing the element of hope.

 

In your query you weren't judgemental about the BS in her clinging to hope. You were questioning the wisdom of her hoping. You're moving the goalposts.

 

You're stronger than I am with the reconciliation. You did what I couldn't. JJ is stronger than I was with the hope. She did what I couldn't.

 

By the way. I'm truly very happy you and Mrs Owl made it through.

[thomasb]

Since we all worked together until a few monthes pre-affair the OW knew how I felt about my wife. By the way they were freinds. Yep, special place in hell for that one.

[xxoo]

His religion doesn't allow it.

 

Now THIS is just HYSTERICAL!!!!

 

From the postion of an outsider, it is pretty funny.

 

But, as his partner, HOW do you listen to that seriously? How do you not immediately lose respect for someone who makes that rationalization while having an affair???

[thomasb]

BB07, 3rd or 4th post I ever made here, actually. Page 10 of sparks thread.

[Summer Breeze]

I never have and never will bad mouth my wife.

 

I do apologize. You did not say you'd badmouthed your W but did say that you'd told the OW what she wanted to hear. So I would imagine you allowed her to believe a fair bit about your relationship and your wife. I'm not saying it excuses her for being a bunny boiler but it always amazes me when people say they've done this and done that but get all uppity when someone else does it as well. Again, not you as you've explained and I do apologize for that.

[BB07]

Since we all worked together until a few monthes pre-affair the OW knew how I felt about my wife. By the way they were freinds. Yep, special place in hell for that one.

 

OK........there you did it again. I had backed up and was thinking ok maybe his disgust and disdain was deserved if she did the bunny boiler thing, but there you go.........saying there is a special place in hell for her. What is it, you get forgiveness but she doesn't????

 

Me thinks..........you blame the OW for your affair instead of putting it on your own shoulders. Almost everything you've said, leads to that conclusion. Misplaced blame and anger instead of putting it where it belongs, on YOU.

[Snowflower]

Point taken.............

 

Sorry, I should have said some OW in my previous post...but thanks for understanding!

 

However I may need to change my tune now...

 

Since we all worked together until a few monthes pre-affair the OW knew how I felt about my wife. By the way they were freinds. Yep, special place in hell for that one.

 

Okay Thomas, I was kind of defending you here but after reading this...sheesh, you helped inflict a double-betrayal.

 

My H's affair was bad enough but at least the OW wasn't a friend of mine.

[Summer Breeze]

OK........there you did it again. I had backed up and was thinking ok maybe his disgust and disdain was deserved if she did the bunny boiler thing, but there you go.........saying there is a special place in hell for her. What is it, you get forgiveness but she doesn't????

 

Me thinks..........you blame the OW for your affair instead of putting it on your own shoulders. Almost everything you've said, leads to that conclusion. Misplaced blame and anger instead of putting it where it belongs, on YOU.

 

See how perspectives go. I assumed he meant a special place in hell for himself!

[pureinheart]

I know in my situation that the OW actually believed that there was no longer intimacy between my wife and I. She asked repeated questions and of course I told her what she wanted to hear. I really never stopped sleeping, cuddling, kissing, holding hands etc. Why would I have? She had and still has my heart. And I could have lost it through stupidity.

The truth was she got the card grabbed in a second from the cheap section while I had agonized for 20 minutes over the exact wording on my wifes. She got the drive through the day before from the fast food restaurant (couldn't be seen you know), My wife got the limo and expensive sit down wine and dine. She got the single rose while my wife got the dozen from my heart. Makes me want to throw up now. Yes I did that. I own it now. My wife will get no more of my lies.

 

I've been having a bit of trouble understanding the 'heartless' comments. I feel that the day I sat my wife down at the kitchen table and confessed what had been going on was the first step up kinda thing I'd done for any of us in monthes. Coming clean to her was stepping up and being a man not a coward.

 

You became real with your W and you were straight up with her....you made things right with her.

 

Did you ever make things right with your OW? Or did she get the same treatment she got during your A with her?

 

I can understand a WS going either way (with AP or H/W).

 

The bolded post seems heartless to your exOW.

[thomasb]

Not her: me!!!!

[BB07]

See how perspectives go. I assumed he meant a special place in hell for himself!

 

Don't confuse me............I'm blonde. :lmao:

[Summer Breeze]

Don't confuse me............I'm blonde. :lmao:

 

As am I! It comes from a bottle but I'm growing into it after soooo many years!

 

Perspectives and I see our boy Thomas has confirmed I was right. What's my prize?

[thomasb]

Who ever said that a person in the midst of an affair is thinking of anything but thier own nether regions? And my actions were deplorable, the person I had to make up for it for was my wife.

[donnamaybe]

Who ever said that a person in the midst of an affair is thinking of anything but thier own nether regions?

Oh, if only OTHERS could see it so clearly.

[jennie-jennie]

JJ, what religion condones adultery? Far as I now all of them abhor it. Far more than divorce. He can allow her to divorce him based on that. Kind of a conflict if he claims to be so religious and is committing adultery isn't it.

 

None. But you can keep up the pretense. Just like with the marriage. Many of these MM are men who can not bear to sway from "doing the right thing", at least in the public eye.

[Summer Breeze]

Who ever said that a person in the midst of an affair is thinking of anything but thier own nether regions? And my actions were deplorable, the person I had to make up for it for was my wife.

 

Yes. You made it up to the woman who loved you and lived with your blatant gaslighting in order for you to have everything you wanted.

 

Oh sorry. That was the OW as well as the W.

 

See how in the situation you put them in they were almost 1 and the same? The only benefit your OW had was knowing while it was going on. She had her turn for being treated like dirt by you though.