The Bs and The AP are more different tha you may think.

[jennie-jennie]

The following is what is true in my personal case:

 

The wife blindly trusts her husband.

 

Big mistake apparently.

She has no reason to believe he would cheat.

 

Being that they have had sex only once the last year, and have no other intimacy either, she DOES have reason to believe he would cheat.

They have a great life together.

 

In many aspects yes, but since so much of their intimacy has been lost to the extramarital relationship, in many aspects no.

The ow has nagging doubts about his honesty because she knows how he can so easily lie to his wife and kids.

 

Our relationship is based on honesty, theirs is based on behaving morally correct. Different foundations, thus different levels of honesty. I have no reason to believe my MM has ever lied to me.

 

The wife Has no reason to worry when a meeting at work runs late or has any concerns when he is on a business trip.

 

He spends most nights working late at his office, both actually working late and spending time with me. His business trips are getting longer and longer with no apparent value coming out of them since he hardly attends any meetings, only spends time with me.

He calls her continually to update her on things.

 

The ow worries as the man leaves the room to call his wife. The ow worries everytime the wife calls him just to chat. The ow has some doubts again as to his honesty as he talks so often to his wife.

 

His calls to her are short and to the point of taking care of practical matters. All calls except a call to wish her happy birthday (since he was with me on her birthday once again) are conducted in my presence.

The wife has built a life and a family with this man and happily smiles and greets him with a hug and a kiss as he walks in the door 3 hours late. She worries about the stress he is under at work and cuddles him as he drifts off to sleep.

 

Yes, they kiss in greeting. No, they do not cuddle in bed. Intimacy long lost.

 

The ow is so happy. She spent a whole 2 hours with him hidden in her home or a dark seedy bar none of his friends would be seen in,(not 3, you have to include drive time to get to affairland and home to wife). She goes to sleep happy but alone dreaming of the next time they can scrape together a few hours.

 

So much time is spent with me it often affects his work and we have to try to discipline ourselves. Time spent with his wife is quality time with the kids or sleeping.

 

No hiding, walking on the streets hand in hand, kissing in public, always sitting close enough for bodies to touch.

The man is sick. The wife spends a quiet day nurturing him.

 

I am glad he has a kind wife.

The man called off of work. He can't contact the ow and she spends her day worrying if something horrid happened or if he is spending the day with an oow. She has doubts. She knows he lies to his wife so easily.

 

I know by experience that if I don't get a call there is always a very good reason. I don't worry, I know I am loved. And not getting a call is unusual anyway.

The man takes a vacation. The family has a lovely relaxing time like vacations are supposed to be. He tells his wife he has to check his office. She smiles, she trusts him. She is thankful he works so hard for his family.

 

All vacations the last years have been with me.

The ow is happy and smiling. He called her!! She had a 15 minute conversation with him during his ten day exotic vacation. He is miserable, having an awful time and misses her so much. All is well in ow's world but she has doubts, she knows he lies to his wife so easily...

 

Is this the 3 minute call to the wife you are talking about? Checking in on the kids?

I could go on and on how very different these two womens lives are. Very sad for both women but more so for the one who is so in the dark about the turn her life has taken.

 

I agree it is very sad for the BS who is living a life of lies together with her husband. It is sad for the OW too to not be able to completely share a life with her lover, but what she gets in cases like mine makes it worth it.

[porter218]

Sounds like lots of bitter responses to this thread:confused:

Everyone has their own story and their own side. I see some similarities in my story to the OP and some differences too. Personally I wish I had been abusive like Owoman's BS had been:laugh:.

Seriously though I do think it is very arogant of anyone to assume the know the other side of the story until they actually invest the time to talk to all parties involved and figure it out. My xH/fWS absolutely loved me with every fiber in his body and told his OW how much he didn't love me anymore and how horrible a W I was and that we were no longer intimate:confused:. Rediculous!! I did finally after all was said and done have the chance to have an honest convo with the OW and find out what a double life he really had. His home life was great and he just simply was unable to be faithful. He would promise to come back to see her after he came home to see his kids (LOL!! Not the whole truth). Then he would have a great dinner and make love to me and turn his phone off. Next day he would tell her all kinds of insanity like I flipped out and had a huge arguement and he couldn't leave.. his daughter was sick and he slept in her room. I handed him over on a silver platter to her and let him become her problem and no longer mine. I believe they actually stayed together for a whole yr after I left him but of coarse periodically I got calls from her asking if I knew where he was or where he had spent the previous night. Now she knows what it's like to be me. A cheater is no prize, I don't know why anyone would actually knowingly sign up for that....???

[jennie-jennie]

Sounds like lots of bitter responses to this thread:confused:

 

I am trying to understand your comment above. Are you calling the OW's responses on this thread bitter? I see them as reacting to the OP since the OP was a generalization of OW's situation which many of us OW do not recognize.

[bentnotbroken]

I am trying to understand your comment above. Are you calling the OW's responses on this thread bitter? I see them as reacting to the OP since the OP was a generalization of OW's situation which many of us OW do not recognize.

 

 

The statement that was quoted right under the first line was

"everyone has their own side"

This is a qualifying statement as to everyone seeing things differently. The bitter term is used all the time around here. Why get in up in arms about it now. It is just a generalization that is tossed about quite frequently.

[porter218]

I am trying to understand your comment above. Are you calling the OW's responses on this thread bitter? I see them as reacting to the OP since the OP was a generalization of OW's situation which many of us OW do not recognize.

 

All I was saying was it seemed to strike a nerve with a few people as if it was supposed to be an accurate depiction of their own situation.. it isn't. It is simply one scenerio. Obviously there are many different types of affairs and we should open our eyes to see all sides.

But then again..a subject matter like discussing affairs is bound to create bitterness.

[jennie-jennie]

All I was saying was it seemed to strike a nerve with a few people as if it was supposed to be an accurate depiction of their own situation.. it isn't. It is simply one scenerio. Obviously there are many different types of affairs and we should open our eyes to see all sides.

But then again..a subject matter like discussing affairs is bound to create bitterness.

 

I understand. The above I can agree with. Thanks for explaining. If your words had preceded the thread, I think it would have been much easier for OW to deal with. As Greengoddess said, there are OW for whom that scenario is a reality. I haven't seen many or even any of them around here on LS though. Perhaps that scenario is more prevalent in short term affairs?

[jennie-jennie]

The statement that was quoted right under the first line was This is a qualifying statement as to everyone seeing things differently. The bitter term is used all the time around here. Why get in up in arms about it now. It is just a generalization that is tossed about quite frequently.

 

The comment just didn't make any sense to me, as I do not see the OW's comments on this thread as bitter, just explanatory to the fact that the OP was a very broad generalization that does not apply to a lot of OW's relationships, and thus by not stating that it was only a sample of some OW's relationships it became offensive.

[porter218]

Jennie, I do think the OP may be leaping a bit far with talking about what is going through the OW's head and what she is thinking and how she feels but I think her point is that a lot of OW have no idea how the actual home front really is. You just may be shocked to find out how happy a home it really is and that the BS is nothing like what the WS tells the OW. A good majority of As happen for no good reason ... there is nothing wrong with his W, there is nothing wrong at home and there is no valid reason driving him to the OW. And I'm sure on the same note the BS has no idea how much feelings are involved between the OW and the WS.. There are lots of things that aren't known by anyone but the WS.

[pureinheart]

The statement that was quoted right under the first line was This is a qualifying statement as to everyone seeing things differently. The bitter term is used all the time around here. Why get in up in arms about it now. It is just a generalization that is tossed about quite frequently.

 

Concerning Jennie, I see her asking a simple question.

 

For me, I do not use any term flippantly, I mean the exact meaning of the word as it applies to the reply or otherwise.

[bentnotbroken]

Concerning Jennie, I see her asking a simple question.

 

For me, I do not use any term flippantly, I mean the exact meaning of the word as it applies to the reply or otherwise.

 

 

Mmm okay. *shrug*

[bentnotbroken]

The comment just didn't make any sense to me, as I do not see the OW's comments on this thread as bitter, just explanatory to the fact that the OP was a very broad generalization that does not apply to a lot of OW's relationships, and thus by not stating that it was only a sample of some OW's relationships it became offensive.

 

 

I do understand because I don't see most BS comments as bitter. Again from the perspective one comes from. The generalization probably doesn't apply to some ow's trysts, but to say a lot seems like a bit of a generalization to me. If you are so easily offended, is this the right place? Would you feel more comfortable not reading certain posts?

[porter218]

The following is what is true in my personal case:

 

Being that they have had sex only once the last year, and have no other intimacy either, she DOES have reason to believe he would cheat.

 

 

Yes, they kiss in greeting. No, they do not cuddle in bed. Intimacy long lost.

So now reading your posts and it leads me to ask... exactly how do you know these things? Have you talked with his wife and she told you this?? Or is this what your MM is telling you?

I only ask because I know my xH told his OW these same things...in my case those were extreme lies because we never went 1 single day without wild love making.

[jennie-jennie]

I do understand because I don't see most BS comments as bitter. Again from the perspective one comes from. The generalization probably doesn't apply to some ow's trysts, but to say a lot seems like a bit of a generalization to me. If you are so easily offended, is this the right place? Would you feel more comfortable not reading certain posts?

 

I didn't say I was offended, I said the OP was offensive. Thank you for your concern about my welfare, but any OW easily offended would not be able to read on LS in the first place.

[bentnotbroken]

I didn't say I was offended, I said the OP was offensive. Thank you for your concern about my welfare, but any OW easily offended would not be able to read on LS in the first place.

 

 

How do you find something offensive without being offended? Strange indeed.

[jennie-jennie]

Jennie, I do think the OP may be leaping a bit far with talking about what is going through the OW's head and what she is thinking and how she feels but I think her point is that a lot of OW have no idea how the actual home front really is. You just may be shocked to find out how happy a home it really is and that the BS is nothing like what the WS tells the OW. A good majority of As happen for no good reason ... there is nothing wrong with his W, there is nothing wrong at home and there is no valid reason driving him to the OW. And I'm sure on the same note the BS has no idea how much feelings are involved between the OW and the WS.. There are lots of things that aren't known by anyone but the WS.

 

So now reading your posts and it leads me to ask... exactly how do you know these things? Have you talked with his wife and she told you this?? Or is this what your MM is telling you?

I only ask because I know my xH told his OW these same things...in my case those were extreme lies because we never went 1 single day without wild love making.

 

It is interesting how the message of the OP is perceived differently by us. I can see now what you are saying about the happy home front. When I read the OP, to me it sounded mostly like putting down the OW, making her situation out to be nothing near how my situation, and many other OWs', is. Also knowing that the BS does not know the truth, the happy home front, even if existing, does sound kind of fake to me.

 

The first thing my MM told me when we reconnected after 31 years was that he was happily married. He has never spoken badly of his wife. I think he did not even realize something was missing, something that made him reach outside his marriage.

 

For the first 3 1/2 years he continued to have sex with his wife, parallel to our relationship. In the last year and a half he has had sex with her once. Yes, it is him telling me. And I believe him. I have seen him come closer and closer to me throughout these years. I have seen him hurt me with the truth many times. I have no reason to believe he would hesitate to hurt me once again just to keep the honesty which is so important to both of us. And there are other indicators too, but they are too private to share here.

 

I too have been the BS, to two serial cheaters. In one case, we never stopped the wild love making, in the other we did. It depends on the MM. Both scenarios are plausible. I know my MM. I am the best judge on LS of him and his character.

[jennie-jennie]

How do you find something offensive without being offended? Strange indeed.

 

You don't have to absorb what everyone is putting out there.

 

I responded to the OP to set the facts straight, not because I was offended. As I said, an OW who is easily offended is unlikely able to become a regular poster here.

[thomasb]

I know in my situation that the OW actually believed that there was no longer intimacy between my wife and I. She asked repeated questions and of course I told her what she wanted to hear. I really never stopped sleeping, cuddling, kissing, holding hands etc. Why would I have? She had and still has my heart. And I could have lost it through stupidity.

The truth was she got the card grabbed in a second from the cheap section while I had agonized for 20 minutes over the exact wording on my wifes. She got the drive through the day before from the fast food restaurant (couldn't be seen you know), My wife got the limo and expensive sit down wine and dine. She got the single rose while my wife got the dozen from my heart. Makes me want to throw up now. Yes I did that. I own it now. My wife will get no more of my lies.

[BB07]

I know in my situation that the OW actually believed that there was no longer intimacy between my wife and I. She asked repeated questions and of course I told her what she wanted to hear. I really never stopped sleeping, cuddling, kissing, holding hands etc. Why would I have? She had and still has my heart. And I could have lost it through stupidity.

The truth was she got the card grabbed in a second from the cheap section while I had agonized for 20 minutes over the exact wording on my wifes. She got the drive through the day before from the fast food restaurant (couldn't be seen you know), My wife got the limo and expensive sit down wine and dine. She got the single rose while my wife got the dozen from my heart. Makes me want to throw up now. Yes I did that. I own it now. My wife will get no more of my lies.

 

I pity the poor OW that you clearly have such disdain for now. :sick:

It's seeps through in your post.

Edited September 27, 2010 by BB07

[thomasb]

Actually, so do I . And myself too. That was 12 years ago and I was very young and stupid. I can go on to say that I have tried very hard to make up for it for years to my wife. There are mitigating circumstances for what happened that she understands but would be too much info.

[thomasb]

And by the way, I did state in my situation kwim.

[pureinheart]

I know in my situation that the OW actually believed that there was no longer intimacy between my wife and I. She asked repeated questions and of course I told her what she wanted to hear. I really never stopped sleeping, cuddling, kissing, holding hands etc. Why would I have? She had and still has my heart. And I could have lost it through stupidity.

The truth was she got the card grabbed in a second from the cheap section while I had agonized for 20 minutes over the exact wording on my wifes. She got the drive through the day before from the fast food restaurant (couldn't be seen you know), My wife got the limo and expensive sit down wine and dine. She got the single rose while my wife got the dozen from my heart. Makes me want to throw up now. Yes I did that. I own it now. My wife will get no more of my lies.

 

 

I am not understanding how a heart comes into play, as it appears if there was no heart.

[jennie-jennie]

I know in my situation that the OW actually believed that there was no longer intimacy between my wife and I. She asked repeated questions and of course I told her what she wanted to hear. I really never stopped sleeping, cuddling, kissing, holding hands etc. Why would I have? She had and still has my heart. And I could have lost it through stupidity.

The truth was she got the card grabbed in a second from the cheap section while I had agonized for 20 minutes over the exact wording on my wifes. She got the drive through the day before from the fast food restaurant (couldn't be seen you know), My wife got the limo and expensive sit down wine and dine. She got the single rose while my wife got the dozen from my heart. Makes me want to throw up now. Yes I did that. I own it now. My wife will get no more of my lies.

 

Actually, so do I . And myself too. That was 12 years ago and I was very young and stupid. I can go on to say that I have tried very hard to make up for it for years to my wife. There are mitigating circumstances for what happened that she understands but would be too much info.

 

Perhaps the mitigating circumstances explain it, because as you describe your affair and your marriage I must wonder why you even bothered to go outside the marriage. It seems you had all you wanted within the marriage and nothing to gain by going outside it.

[xxoo]

I am not understanding how a heart comes into play, as it appears if there was no heart.

 

I agree

 

But why is the reaction different from the OW when it is the wife getting fast food, cheap cards, and 3 minute phone calls (all while being lied to and gaslighted)? Why is that somehow understandable, and he is still a good man worthy of your love?

 

Because no matter who a MM (or MW) treats this way, it disgusts me and shows that he/she has no heart

 

That seems to be a significant difference between the BS and the AP.

[Silly_Girl]

I agree

 

But why is the reaction different from the OW when it is the wife getting fast food, cheap cards, and 3 minute phone calls (all while being lied to and gaslighted)? Why is that somehow understandable, and he is still a good man worthy of your love?

 

Because no matter who a MM (or MW) treats this way, it disgusts me and shows that he/she has no heart

 

That seems to be a significant difference between the BS and the AP.

 

Sorry? What is the significant difference you're referring to above? I think I've misread this post.

 

I read it that both BS and AP are the same because they both are (or often are) prepared to continue to love a man who behaves in a disgusting manner - regardless of which party is receiving the poor treatment (both, usually).

[thomasb]

My behavior WAS terrable then. Like I said before this, I own it. My wife deserved better and so did God.