Trying not to fall into the "when is it my turn," trap...

[Loquacious Miss L.]

So lately I have been reflecting on myself and my past. Most specifically in reference to my dating history.

 

I'm 32 years old. Never married. Single. Most of the time I don't mind being single but last night a friend was telling me about this great guy she met. I thought to myself, "I would like a guy like that!" and then, admitted to myself, well, honestly, I am pretty damn lonely.

 

I can't reconcile the fact that I have had some horrendous luck. In my 20's I will admit that I chose to be with people who were just painfully wrong for me. Potheads, emotionally vacant men, and just deadbeats. It is clear to me that I had very little in the way of standards out of a desire to be "loved," and I know this. I had pretty shot self esteem.

 

I have spent the better part of the last two years working on my self esteem. Working out, lost 30 pounds, eat well, have a great job I love. I have dated in that time period but I will tell you, I can't seem to sustain a relationship for longer than a few months, tops. It makes me wonder if it is me with the problem because I either get bored or discover a deal breaker that I cannot compromise on.

 

I don't lack for dates. But for example this summer, I went on about 5 different dates. One guy cried on our second date saying he wasn't over his ex. Another guy said he would call very soon and didn't. A few there was no chemistry whatsoever. It got to a point where I just threw in the towel with men and haven't really been out since.

 

People say "don't look, and it will happen when you least expect it," but in my experience even if I don't look or search I still have the desire in my heart to find someone to be with.

 

Almost every ex I have had in the last few years finds me after the fact (via online, calls or texts me) to apologize to me for how things ended (unless I end it) and either wants another chance or just simply wants to clear their conscience. I'm not kidding, it's like every guy. I am beginning to have a complex.

 

It's no secret that my self esteem does waver but it is something I am working on. The constant disappointment I face really gets me down though, to the point where I shut down and say f*** it to dating altogether.

 

I am trying not to fall into the "when is it my turn" trap, but I find myself just feeling sad sometimes because I know I'm a wonderful person with a lot to offer....but no dice. I don't get it.

[Loquacious Miss L.]

Any help would be awesome...thanks!

[Eeyore79]

I know how you feel - I'm in kind of the same situation. I'm 31, never married, no kids, and I'm wondering when it's all going to happen for me because the clock is ticking.

 

To be fair, I also wasted my teens and twenties. I had really low self esteem, I was very socially isolated and lonely, so I ended up dating anyone who expressed an interest without really assessing them first. Some were violent, some cheated and lied, some only wanted sex, and some were decent people but I just felt no real attraction and should never have dated them. I had no standards because I just wanted someone to love me, and spend time with me, and be my friend.

 

I was about 28 by the time things really clicked in my head. I spent a lot of time alone, had a few short relationships and ended up dumping the guys in question for various reasons. One was hating on my pets and wanted me to get rid of them, one had kids who were a constant inconvenience, one refused to stop hanging out with his ex... With hindsight, this is what I should have been doing in my twenties, instead of getting bogged down in bad relationships for years on end. This is the process of dating - you have to kiss a few frogs before you find a prince! I should be done with this stage of my life by now, but I'm not, because I came to it late.

 

I don't think you should stop looking - the more people you meet, the more chance there is that one of them will be Mr Right. You can't just sit back and expect him to waltz up to your front door! Try not to get too stressed about him not turning up just yet though - you still have time.

 

I'm just curious... these guys you dated... did you really assess whether they were right for you before you jumped into a relationship, or did you just date them because they seemed ok? Old habits die hard, and I still find it difficult to properly assess guys before committing to a relationship. It's all to do with self esteem... you have to believe your own worth and assess whether the guy is decent and worthy of you before you jump in.

[Loquacious Miss L.]

Thank you, that is what I needed to hear.

[Loquacious Miss L.]

And to be honest, I am just like you, I wouldn't assess situations before I jumped into them. I have always had an affinity for the underdog and promised myself no more at a certain point. They still come my way though which can be endlessly frustrating to me. I will keep plugging along though because that is what I do. Just frustrating.

[hydorclops]

As you build your skills of being picky, don't fail to enjoy your life.

 

Being single can be lonely, but it also has unique and very positive aspects.

[Loquacious Miss L.]

Thank you, you're right, a lot of the time it does! Lately it has been especially hard though.....but I always snap out of the funk:)