Author durkadurka Posted September 19, 2010 Author Posted September 19, 2010 My ex told me he wants to be back together (and being here last Saturday and having it be fun and like it always was confirmed that) but he also knows it would never be fair to ask me to never be able to see him, him never have money to pay for anything or do anything and him always being stressed out. He's right. It's just sad because when I started dating him he had all these goals and plans and I saw great things for him/us. Now, 10 months later I don't see much change other than he's still going to school. I just don't see much progress in his maturity level or his financial situation and he continues to make poor decisions. It has been helpful seeing your perspective Durka because he's admitted this has tortured him ... wondering if he'll get through school and I'll be gone and it will be too late but knowing he has nothing to offer me right now so it's all he can do. Jeeze this sounds familiar. I think that it's important to note that there is only 24 hours a day, 168 hours a week. I was thinking about this earlier today, and if she were here now, what would we be doing? She didn't have many friends, and I've been studying all day and dealing with a massive headache. Would she be having fun? Probably not. Would I feel ****ty? Yes. Would I try and make her feel better? Yes. Would that take away from me being able to study? Yes. Would me not studying and not finish school hurt our long term goals of being together? Absolutely. I made a gamble, it's a tough choice. My only misstep I made was not telling her that she's a part of my long term plans when I was visiting her. Though, I feel my actions and the note I've left her say enough. The best descriptor I've come up with is being in an absolute state of paralysis. Things couldn't stay the way they were, but couldn't move forward without something REALLY big giving way. So you get stuck in limbo and you become miserable with eachother. With the idea of marriage, having kids, and all that other stuff having come up between her and I, I know that the next person she dates (if it lasts) has a good chance of marrying her. It's a heart wrenching proposition.
Banker Chick Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 Your post makes me so sad because it's everything my ex said. But you know, even though HE told me that I was part of his long term plan, it's not fair to expect the other person will put their life on hold for something that may or may not pan out. It's been over a month since we broke up and I'm dating. I guess there's always a chance I'll be available when he's done but it's best for both of us to not plan on that. While he doesn't think so, there's also a chance he'll find someone in his town that will understand what he's going through and he'll want to be with her. And you're right, we could never be together because I'd be resentful of never seeing him plus he has less than zero money so it's very stressful to a couple to never be able to do anything or for me to have to pay for the majority of it. If I lived in his town or vice versa (which we came close to doing) it might be a different story but now I'm certainly not in any position to want him to live with me (I'd need to see some positive choices in his life first) and I can in no way move to him. So we carry on with separate lives and will see what the future holds.
D-Lish Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 No it wasn't a lie, it was just something that was incredibly hard to accomplish with a low likelihood of success. You try working 30 hours a week, trying taking 5 classes and having a girlfriend that always wanted company. I couldn't do it all. What ended up happening is I would work 30 hours a week, only take 2 classes because I couldn't get any studying done because she always wanted to be with me. There would be times where she would be house sitting where I wouldn't go home for 4 days, I would wear the same clothes to work and to class. When I would tell her I needed to go home to sleep because I wanted to shower, and put on deodorant, and hair gel and look like a human being she would get really sad, and it was really conflicting. Likewise, when I would tell her I needed to study so I could do well in school (and she wanted me to finish school asap) she would resent me for it. I don't know why anyone would get on your case over this D. She sounds incredibly needy and high maintenance- and you totally over-extended yourself, even to your own detriment in order to appease her. Sounds like you tried your hardest to be the best guy you could given the circumstances. I have a hard time understanding why you'd cut back on classes in order to hold her hand... Why didn't you stand up for yourself? Call her out on being manipulative?
Author durkadurka Posted September 20, 2010 Author Posted September 20, 2010 I don't know why anyone would get on your case over this D. She sounds incredibly needy and high maintenance- and you totally over-extended yourself, even to your own detriment in order to appease her. Sounds like you tried your hardest to be the best guy you could given the circumstances. I have a hard time understanding why you'd cut back on classes in order to hold her hand... Why didn't you stand up for yourself? Call her out on being manipulative? Eventually I did call her out, I did that when I broke up with her. I felt that I was so beaten down by her I needed space. It reminds me of a couple of stories I remembered today. A few months ago, my car broke down about an hour away from where we live. I got my car towed to a garage, and got a ride back into town. The next day when my car was ready to be picked up, she managed to make me feel ****ty and that it was an inconvenience for her to drop me off. Another was that she was desperately ill, but wasn't registered with our government health care provider. Rather than call, register and go and see a doctor, she would say she's sick, but wouldn't go to the doctor. So I ended up arguing with her about it, and ended up registering for her. I mean what dumb dumb **** to argue about. This was the culmination of both people giving up a lot of **** and feeling miserable. When we first started dating, and for the first year and a half even we were like Bonnie and Clyde. Now she's gone off and pawned herself off on some other guy.
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