Thornton Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 Let's say you're in an LDR with someone who you see every 3-4 weeks; you're at college but you plan to be together in six months time when college is finished. Your partner starts looking at houses in his current location, with the idea of buying one, but doesn't mention you buying it with him, or ask for your opinion on whether you'd like to live in the houses he's looking at, or even ask if you want to move to his current location. How would you feel about that? I feel like my partner is assuming I'll move to be with him, even though we've also mentioned the possibility of him moving to be with me, or both of us moving to a different city together. The fact that he isn't asking for my opinion makes me wonder how he sees our future together. Does he think I'll just trail around after him, accommodating hs wishes? Does he even see a future for us, given that he isn't involving me in his plans?
TaraMaiden Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 Let him do what he wants. When he springs his "Surprise! I bought us a house! Come on down!" You spring yours - "Surprise! I've no intention of upping sticks and following you like a faithful puppy! Not without prior agreement and consultation!"
USMCHokie Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 Here is where communication is vital to the relationship...instead of trying to interpret his actions and assume his thoughts, perhaps you need to sit down and talk to him about the future of your relationship... I recently had a huge wakeup call...if you and he see this relationship as the real thing, then you have to treat it as the real thing...you can't avoid talking about major life decisions like this...and if he does avoid talking to you about it, then I'd see that as a sign that he is either (1) immature and not considerate of you; or (2) not seeing you in his future. If he isn't going to be proactive about it, then you have to be...that is, if you want to stay in the relationship...
Author Thornton Posted September 17, 2010 Author Posted September 17, 2010 I'm not sure this relationship IS the real thing, mainly because of stuff like this. He doesn't seem very considerate of me, and is going about his own life without seeming to bother about me much. He doesn't call me in the evenings because he "has" to socialize, and it's apparently more important to spend time with his (male) roommate watching tv or drinking that it is to call his girlfriend. He usually only calls me when he's already in bed, and we have a brief conversation which lacks any emotional depth because he's really too tired to talk. When he has a party or some other social event, I'm not invited to come over for the weekend to accompany him. We do meet up for regular weekends, but he doesn't make an effort to show me off as his girlfriend at social events. He also still has one-on-one lunches, dinners, shopping trips etc with his ex-gf sometimes, which really p****s me off.
USMCHokie Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 ...but he doesn't make an effort to show me off as his girlfriend at social events. LAUNCH. LAUNCH. LAUNCH. The fact that he continues to see his ex is reason enough to LAUNCH his arse, but the above quoted fact puts it over the edge. I can speak from personal experience. I recently dated a girl that I was not interested in, and I avoided the girlfriend label with her, avoided introducing her to my friends, and pretty much avoided introducing her into my life. If a guy isn't proud to "show you off" as his girlfriend or incorporate you into his personal life, then he's not fully committed or interested in the relationship. You're just someone he'll hang out with if he's bored... Oh, did I mention, LAUNCH?
LoveLace Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 I don't think he's at a place in his life to have any business with a relationship. I was away at college, and broke up with my BF to go there because it was a very selfish time in life. A time for me to grow as a person and learn from mistakes; he is also at that time but I'm guessing he doesn't realize that. And my BF would tell me that I changed after going to college but I didn't see that in myself at all. Most importantly this is just not a happy relationship from how you describe it and that's reason enough to call it quits, on top of the fact that he doesn't want you around his friends and wants to hang out with other girl friends. He's a fool if he claims that he is in a 'relationship' because it sounds to me that he's hardly in it at all. And I hate to say it, but he could already be leaning towards the end with you because his way of talking about the house might be his way of realizing he wants to go on this chapter of life without you. He may not even be clear on that himself. But there is no sign of his plans to be a better boyfriend, that is for sure. You might as well bring it up. Just admit the house is prompting you to ask about where you stand for him. Whatever happens after that could be life changing.
Author Thornton Posted September 17, 2010 Author Posted September 17, 2010 He introduced me to some of his friends when I stayed at his house, and he once took me away for the weekend with them. But when he had a house party, I wasn't invited to come and stay so I could attend; he just assumed I wasn't coming because I live a couple of hundred miles away. He invited his ex though. She works in the same office as him, so she was at their office summer party, which I also wasn't invited to, despite the fact that most people take their spouses. He's the one who dumped her, so I'm not sure why he's still keeping her hanging around as a friend. I can understand how he might be unable to avoid having occasional polite contact with her in the office, but I don't see why he has to take her out for private lunches at work, take her to dinner some evenings, go shopping with her, have private chats with her, etc. He mentions her in conversation sometimes, like "My friend Leanne did x, y or z", as if I don't know she's his ex! She even had the nerve to "like" the thing on his Facebook page where it says "Thornton's bf is in a Relationship with Thornton"! It p****s me off immensely.
LoveLace Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 He introduced me to some of his friends when I stayed at his house, and he once took me away for the weekend with them. But when he had a house party, I wasn't invited to come and stay so I could attend; he just assumed I wasn't coming because I live a couple of hundred miles away. He invited his ex though. She works in the same office as him, so she was at their office summer party, which I also wasn't invited to, despite the fact that most people take their spouses. He's the one who dumped her, so I'm not sure why he's still keeping her hanging around as a friend. I can understand how he might be unable to avoid having occasional polite contact with her in the office, but I don't see why he has to take her out for private lunches at work, take her to dinner some evenings, go shopping with her, have private chats with her, etc. He mentions her in conversation sometimes, like "My friend Leanne did x, y or z", as if I don't know she's his ex! She even had the nerve to "like" the thing on his Facebook page where it says "Thornton's bf is in a Relationship with Thornton"! It p****s me off immensely. He is not attempting an exclusive relationship with you at all, that's pretty clear. He's openly cheating on you, if that makes sense. Just because you know about her doesn't make it okay. Doesn't sound like he wants you and only you. You have a million reasons to dump him. He's not going to magically stop doing things that are disrespectful to you. Again he's at a really selfish time in his life and if you try to wait around for that to change, you'll be miserable. You should be shelfish instead, and just not call him anymore.
Author Thornton Posted September 18, 2010 Author Posted September 18, 2010 He says I have no reason to be jealous because she's just a friend. He occasionally has lunch with other female friends, or goes to the mall with them, etc - so he says if I'm not jealous of his other friends, why should I be jealous of this girl? His other friends aren't necessarily attractive and available though - one has a couple of kids, another isn't pretty, another has a bf already - his ex is someone who he obviously finds attractive since he dated her, and she finds him attractive, and she probably wants him back because he dumped her. They've been intimate before, and imo it's too easy to cross that line again. At the very least, they're probably having conversations which are inappropriately intimate given that he's MY bf. On top of this, there are other issues, like I mentioned about him considering buying a house without consulting me. He said he didn't want a serious relationship, then took it back and denied saying it - he said he wasn't sure he wanted to date someone introverted like me, then took that back too and said he "hadn't" dated an introvert before, not that he didn't want to. He's uncomfortable with words which sound too loving and intimate, and has yet to say the L-word after six months of dating. He's failed to even acknowledge some of the nice things I've done for him, and he doesn't say romantic things. He went away for a while, claimed to have been too busy to miss me, then came back and didn't call me until the following day - I didn't even know he was back. When I complained, he said he didn't want to feel obligated to call me - but the point is that he should WANT to call me. It sounds shocking when I've written it all down like that
LoveLace Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 He says I have no reason to be jealous because she's just a friend. He occasionally has lunch with other female friends, or goes to the mall with them, etc - so he says if I'm not jealous of his other friends, why should I be jealous of this girl? His other friends aren't necessarily attractive and available though - one has a couple of kids, another isn't pretty, another has a bf already - his ex is someone who he obviously finds attractive since he dated her, and she finds him attractive, and she probably wants him back because he dumped her. They've been intimate before, and imo it's too easy to cross that line again. At the very least, they're probably having conversations which are inappropriately intimate given that he's MY bf. On top of this, there are other issues, like I mentioned about him considering buying a house without consulting me. He said he didn't want a serious relationship, then took it back and denied saying it - he said he wasn't sure he wanted to date someone introverted like me, then took that back too and said he "hadn't" dated an introvert before, not that he didn't want to. He's uncomfortable with words which sound too loving and intimate, and has yet to say the L-word after six months of dating. He's failed to even acknowledge some of the nice things I've done for him, and he doesn't say romantic things. He went away for a while, claimed to have been too busy to miss me, then came back and didn't call me until the following day - I didn't even know he was back. When I complained, he said he didn't want to feel obligated to call me - but the point is that he should WANT to call me. It sounds shocking when I've written it all down like that Anyone who's normal would be jealous of the Ex. It seems he's giving her the kind of attention that he's been lacking in giving you. On top of that, it's not acceptable to have such a friendly relationship with someone you are attracted to while you are seeing someone else, especially if it's an Ex where feelings still linger. Answer him this way, your jealous of her and not the others because clearly the situation with her is much different than those. The nature of his attention to her is different from all the females, including you. He's being inconsiderate and he's not even sure if he wants you. He's been trying to have his cake and eat it to while stringing you along. When you listen to yourself you are not happy at all, and he's not in any kind of hurry to change that, so I think anyone would agree you'd be better off if you walked away; which we all know is easier said than done. But do you want to be around when he decides he's going back to the Ex? It's only a possibility, but they sound cozy enough to worry about it, IMO. I would want to get the heck outta there before sticking around to see where that leads.
LoveLace Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 Also, btw, if you left you are not exactly handing over a prize to her. He's not treating her right either.
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