KafkasLastWords Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 I have been seeing a wonderful guy for 6 weeks. He started things off very fast and it was too much for me - I met his friends almost right away, he texted me multiple times every day, I saw him 1-2 times a week and I knew how into me he was. I came out of a 5 year relationship in April so I told him I needed to take it slow... something I said more than once. Anyway this past weekend he told me that he sometimes thinks I may be the one... he also was honest with me that he has been on 2 dates with another girl and may go out with her again. Should I be insulted? Is he just making sure he wants to be with me or is he doing this because he doesn't want to be with me? I mean it has only been a month and a half. I just want to know if I'm wasting my time.
USMCHokie Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 I don't think you're getting played here at all. Have you two expressly established exclusivity? If not, then he has every right to go on dates with other women. Another issue is that you two may just view the dating situation differently or perhaps be fundamentally incompatible. He wants faster, while you want slower. And maybe it's too slow for him. It's nobody's fault...just that the two of you are on different pages when it comes to dating at this point in your respective lives. He might be dating this other girl because he's searching for a girl that's more along his pace and speed...who knows...but he doesn't owe you any obligation of exclusivity unless exclusivity is actually established... If you want to be with this guy, then let him know that you want to be with him and that you two should date exclusively. If you feel like you're "wasting your time" with this guy, then let him go.
CLC2008 Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 Have the two of you had sex? You don't have to answer if you are not comfortable stating yes or no, but, sex completley changes the dynamics altogether.
tigressA Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 There has been no established exclusivity, so no, you are not being played. You both have every right to go on dates with others. Talk to him, tell him what you want.
USMCHokie Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 Have the two of you had sex? You don't have to answer if you are not comfortable stating yes or no, but, sex completley changes the dynamics altogether. Agreed. For me, sex = exclusivity.
Lovelybird Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 I think you should start to date others instead of trying to figure out what is his purpose
CLC2008 Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 Agreed. For me, sex = exclusivity. Yeah, but this guy might not view it that way. Plus, he's mentioned to her that he's dating other women. So, I'm sure that's why the OP is raising the question.
USMCHokie Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 Yeah, but this guy might not view it that way. Plus, he's mentioned to her that he's dating other women. So, I'm sure that's why the OP is raising the question. Oh, of course. But I agree with you that sex does change things...in a wide variety of ways...for better or for worse...perhaps the guy becomes more attached after sex...perhaps more detached...or it's a sign that he wants exclusivity...or he's a hit it or quit it kinda guy...etc etc... But once sex enters the equation, the dynamic of the relationship does change...
CLC2008 Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 Oh, of course. But I agree with you that sex does change things...in a wide variety of ways...for better or for worse...perhaps the guy becomes more attached after sex...perhaps more detached...or it's a sign that he wants exclusivity...or he's a hit it or quit it kinda guy...etc etc... But once sex enters the equation, the dynamic of the relationship does change... Exactly, to many variables. If the OP is like me, and doesn't enjoy swimming in the sea of uncertainty, she'll take a more direct route.
Author KafkasLastWords Posted September 17, 2010 Author Posted September 17, 2010 hey guys - thanks so much for your feedback. i guess i should have clarified some things here. yes we are having sex and we are not having sex with other people. when he told me he's seeing other people, i think that was the first moment i realized how much i've started to care about him. i felt like i'd been punched in the stomach. i started to think about whether i could still continue to see him and i said so - he started to cry and said that he'd stop seeing her and let's be exlusive just so he could keep seeing me. but that felt unnatural and the next day we talked and decided to go back to being organic. i want someone to be with me because they want to be with me, not because they are scared to lose me. he said he wasn't ready to commit yet and that he wasn't there yet. that is why i am so ridiculously scared of getting played.
Lovelybird Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 I understand you are afraid of getting played. Sex is like an investment. well, this sounds so much like another member here, but anyway, if you don't know what you are investing, you are going to expose to big risk. it is same with man, if you don't know him that well, and don't know how safe he is, having sex with him is like investing important property of yours without knowning what you are investing into. You need to keep your boudaries clear
xpaperxcutx Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 hey guys - thanks so much for your feedback. i guess i should have clarified some things here. yes we are having sex and we are not having sex with other people. when he told me he's seeing other people, i think that was the first moment i realized how much i've started to care about him. i felt like i'd been punched in the stomach. i started to think about whether i could still continue to see him and i said so - he started to cry and said that he'd stop seeing her and let's be exlusive just so he could keep seeing me. but that felt unnatural and the next day we talked and decided to go back to being organic. i want someone to be with me because they want to be with me, not because they are scared to lose me. he said he wasn't ready to commit yet and that he wasn't there yet. that is why i am so ridiculously scared of getting played. So if he wants to be with you, why is he so afraid of commitment? Being with someone requires the C- word otherwise, he's being exactly what you thought he was- being with you because he's afraid of losing you. If he's afraid to commit ( whereas, you're ready) then you know he either needs to man up, or you walk. It's simple. It's not so much as an ultimatum as you require someone who can give as much as you're giving. And having sex just to keep each other around hardly constitutes anything than a mind f---k to both parties. If you like him, tell him how you feel. If afterwards, he can't accept the idea of exclusivity, you know you're better than just a f--- buddy.
Author KafkasLastWords Posted September 22, 2010 Author Posted September 22, 2010 I really have no idea. When I told him I wasn't sure if I could see him anymore if he was going to remain open to seeing other people, he started to cry and said let's go exclusive but then I broke it off the next day because I didn't want it to be forced or pressured. I pulled back a little inside last week but acted the same towards him. Then over the weekend he asked me to come to his mother's birthday dinner with his entire family. How are we not exclusive but I met his family on his mother's birthday!? They were all lovely and so excited to meet me and said how they'd heard so much about me. Also, more than one person told me he never brings anyone home. I am just so incredibly confused.
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