nemesite Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 Just to give you all a bit of background into my situation. Sorry about the length, but this is driving me crazy. I have been with my girlfriend now for about 14 months, and aside from a few issues (which I will go into shortly), everything between us has been great. She is the most sincere and wonderful woman I have ever met and she came into my life at just the right time. However, there is an issue that keeps on coming up again and again in our relationship. Every time I think it has gone away, it comes back again, and it keeps getting worse. In short, she doesn't trust me. What's more, she is utterly OBSESSED with my ex girlfriends and past relationships. In fact, we almost broke up in the early days because she asked me a slew of invasive questions about the last woman I was seeing and I said I didn't want to talk about it; which she took to mean that I wasn't over her. In truth, I never wanted to see the ex in question ever again, and my reason for not wanting to talk about it was because of something really painful and embarrassing that happened (which I will not go into on here). And when my girlfriend started trying to get me to dredge it all back up again (after I'd gone to such lengths to put it behind me), it was quite hard. Fortunately, we worked though this apparent blip, but this issue has now snowballed out of control. On many occasions, she's asked me all sorts of questions about my exes: she wants to know how many women I've dated (fair enough, I suppose), what they were all like in bed, why I split up with each and every one of them (and we're talking about quite a few ex partners here), and I'm expected to sit there and bring all the gory details about my exes into a new relationship. Thus far, my reluctance to do so means that I am accused of being secretive and not sharing things with her. This is something I find rather hurtful because I do share things that are relevant to us, but don't see the benefit in dredging up my past. On the flipside, I don't even want to know about her exes. I really don't care; as long as they're not in her life anymore, then that's good enough for me. In addition to this fixation on my ex partners, she has general trust issues. Due to circumstances beyond our control, we're currently living apart from each other in different parts of the country. Every day I finish work and come home and only really go out at the weekends. Up until very recently, we've fought every weekend because I go out. And it's not as though I've even gone clubbing or anything, just gone to my mates' house to chill out, drink beer and play video games (i.e. guy sutff). Yet she complains because she has not yet met the guys in question (she's met some of my friends, just not these ones YET because they don't really go out all that much anymore), and thinks that they'll somehow lead me astray. She also complains about me having ANY female friends (but it's OK for her to have male friends). She has also snooped through my phones (I have a personal phone and a Blackberry for work, which is synced with my work email, which she has also snooped through, asking about every female name in my inbox), files on my laptop, my internet search history and has even gone out of her way to google me. She even once sent me fake texts pretending to be another woman to see if I'd take the bait (I saw through the ruse straight away, yet she denies it to this day). I feel like I'm dating an FBI agent at times. She's constantly checking up on me, and since we've been apart, she expects to speak to me every night (and has been known to call up to 5 times in one evening), and if I come home later than usual and I'm not there when she calls my house phone, she demands to know where I've been, who I was with and what I was doing. Of course, I have NEVER cheated on her (or any woman I've dated) and never would, but her constant suspicion and distrust makes me feel as though I should have something to hide when I don't. I can't even have a beer after work without her getting paranoid about other women hitting on me in the pub! Last night, this all came to a head after we spoke on the phone. We had arranged to meet up somewhere, and everything was going well; thinking she was over her insecurity issues, I mentioned quite innocently that a female friend (someone I've known for years and who already has a boyfriend anyway) emailed me recently to let me know she'd left the country and was working abroad, and she lost it. She wanted to know why I'd not mentioned this woman before, and then brought up my exes again, accusing me of not sharing anything with her and keeping secrets (which I'm not doing). As for why I never mentioned this one particular friend before... I had no reason to. I hadn't spoken to her in a while so had no reason to bring her up. And besides, being female, me doing so would've only upset my girlfriend anyway! She also fails to see that were I really being secretive, I wouldn't have even mentioned this person at all. Anyway, as much as I love her (and I genuinely do), it's gotten to a point where I am fed up of always being on the defensive for no reason. I'm tired of her lack of trust and feel that if things are like this now, they're not likely to get any better. When we try and talk about it, it gets nowhere because she doesn't see she;s done anything wrong and, in typical female fashion (sorry, ladies) tries to turn the whole thing around on to me. Consequently, my patience has all but run out, I am a hair's breadth away from calling it a day. The way I see it, I deserve someone who believes the words that come from my mouth and trusts me, and I don't deserve to be smothered or stifled by controlling behaviour. And I don't feel I have to lay all everything about my past on the table like some sort of grim, emotional autopsy. In short, her behaviour has angered me so much it's started to drive me away and put me off her. I don't want this to happen, but I have no way of making her see that she is destroying our relationship with her irrational paranoia. I am literally at my wits end and would welcome any constructive advice from anyone whose been in a similar situation. Thanks for reading.
flying Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 Just to give you all a bit of background into my situation. Sorry about the length, but this is driving me crazy. I have been with my girlfriend now for about 14 months, and aside from a few issues (which I will go into shortly), everything between us has been great. She is the most sincere and wonderful woman I have ever met and she came into my life at just the right time. However, there is an issue that keeps on coming up again and again in our relationship. Every time I think it has gone away, it comes back again, and it keeps getting worse. In short, she doesn't trust me. What's more, she is utterly OBSESSED with my ex girlfriends and past relationships. In fact, we almost broke up in the early days because she asked me a slew of invasive questions about the last woman I was seeing and I said I didn't want to talk about it; which she took to mean that I wasn't over her. In truth, I never wanted to see the ex in question ever again, and my reason for not wanting to talk about it was because of something really painful and embarrassing that happened (which I will not go into on here). And when my girlfriend started trying to get me to dredge it all back up again (after I'd gone to such lengths to put it behind me), it was quite hard. Fortunately, we worked though this apparent blip, but this issue has now snowballed out of control. On many occasions, she's asked me all sorts of questions about my exes: she wants to know how many women I've dated (fair enough, I suppose), what they were all like in bed, why I split up with each and every one of them (and we're talking about quite a few ex partners here), and I'm expected to sit there and bring all the gory details about my exes into a new relationship. Thus far, my reluctance to do so means that I am accused of being secretive and not sharing things with her. This is something I find rather hurtful because I do share things that are relevant to us, but don't see the benefit in dredging up my past. On the flipside, I don't even want to know about her exes. I really don't care; as long as they're not in her life anymore, then that's good enough for me. In addition to this fixation on my ex partners, she has general trust issues. Due to circumstances beyond our control, we're currently living apart from each other in different parts of the country. Every day I finish work and come home and only really go out at the weekends. Up until very recently, we've fought every weekend because I go out. And it's not as though I've even gone clubbing or anything, just gone to my mates' house to chill out, drink beer and play video games (i.e. guy sutff). Yet she complains because she has not yet met the guys in question (she's met some of my friends, just not these ones YET because they don't really go out all that much anymore), and thinks that they'll somehow lead me astray. She also complains about me having ANY female friends (but it's OK for her to have male friends). She has also snooped through my phones (I have a personal phone and a Blackberry for work, which is synced with my work email, which she has also snooped through, asking about every female name in my inbox), files on my laptop, my internet search history and has even gone out of her way to google me. She even once sent me fake texts pretending to be another woman to see if I'd take the bait (I saw through the ruse straight away, yet she denies it to this day). I feel like I'm dating an FBI agent at times. She's constantly checking up on me, and since we've been apart, she expects to speak to me every night (and has been known to call up to 5 times in one evening), and if I come home later than usual and I'm not there when she calls my house phone, she demands to know where I've been, who I was with and what I was doing. Of course, I have NEVER cheated on her (or any woman I've dated) and never would, but her constant suspicion and distrust makes me feel as though I should have something to hide when I don't. I can't even have a beer after work without her getting paranoid about other women hitting on me in the pub! Last night, this all came to a head after we spoke on the phone. We had arranged to meet up somewhere, and everything was going well; thinking she was over her insecurity issues, I mentioned quite innocently that a female friend (someone I've known for years and who already has a boyfriend anyway) emailed me recently to let me know she'd left the country and was working abroad, and she lost it. She wanted to know why I'd not mentioned this woman before, and then brought up my exes again, accusing me of not sharing anything with her and keeping secrets (which I'm not doing). As for why I never mentioned this one particular friend before... I had no reason to. I hadn't spoken to her in a while so had no reason to bring her up. And besides, being female, me doing so would've only upset my girlfriend anyway! She also fails to see that were I really being secretive, I wouldn't have even mentioned this person at all. Anyway, as much as I love her (and I genuinely do), it's gotten to a point where I am fed up of always being on the defensive for no reason. I'm tired of her lack of trust and feel that if things are like this now, they're not likely to get any better. When we try and talk about it, it gets nowhere because she doesn't see she;s done anything wrong and, in typical female fashion (sorry, ladies) tries to turn the whole thing around on to me. Consequently, my patience has all but run out, I am a hair's breadth away from calling it a day. The way I see it, I deserve someone who believes the words that come from my mouth and trusts me, and I don't deserve to be smothered or stifled by controlling behaviour. And I don't feel I have to lay all everything about my past on the table like some sort of grim, emotional autopsy. In short, her behaviour has angered me so much it's started to drive me away and put me off her. I don't want this to happen, but I have no way of making her see that she is destroying our relationship with her irrational paranoia. I am literally at my wits end and would welcome any constructive advice from anyone whose been in a similar situation. Thanks for reading. Wow. Her insecurity definitely sounds like it has spiralled out of control. I agree that you shouldn't have to feel picked over and cross-examined; of course that's going to turn you off! You said she tries to turn it around on you - can you elaborate on that? Has she had cheating in her past? Have you? In short, does she have a leg to stand on here? From your post, it certainly sounds like it's all her, but I just want to clarify.
Author nemesite Posted September 17, 2010 Author Posted September 17, 2010 Wow. Her insecurity definitely sounds like it has spiralled out of control. I agree that you shouldn't have to feel picked over and cross-examined; of course that's going to turn you off! You said she tries to turn it around on you - can you elaborate on that? Has she had cheating in her past? Have you? In short, does she have a leg to stand on here? From your post, it certainly sounds like it's all her, but I just want to clarify. OK then. Yeah, we've both been cheated on in the past. I've actually been in more previous relationships that she has as well, so I think this is why she doesn't understand why going on about past lovers isn't really appropriate or constructive. I think her issues stem from her last boyfriend, who kept the fact that he had a child from her. When she eventually found out, she was upset that he'd lied/hid something that big from her. Thus, she's come into this new relationship with baggage from her last, which is to say she thinks I also have big secrets that I'm not telling her (which explains her preoccupation with my past). So she's effectively punishing me for what her ex did by lying to her. As for turning it all around on me, well, when I tried to discuss this with her last night, she tried to say that I was overreacting and making a big issue over nothing (even though it was her that kicked off) just because I didn't want to drop the issue and ignore it like we always do. I was also told that the problem was with me in that I am too secretive and don't give away as much about myself as she does, which is patently untrue. I tell her everything pretty much save all the drama and details from past relationships, which, again I don't think should really stink up a new relationship. What she really wants to know is who my exes were, why I was attracted to them in the first place, why things didn't work out, where they are now (she thinks I bump into them everywhere I go and that they're lurking, waiting to try and lure me back...) and how she measures up. I really can't see how any of this will benefit us or make us stronger. And it isn't. It's making me resent her.
reservoirdog1 Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 Dude, I sympathize. Just reading what you wrote brought up shades of my XGF who I finally broke up with in 2008. The situations weren't identical but I dealt with some of the same issues with her. Firstly, I agree -- your past relationships aren't important. It's not reasonable to expect you to list them all off and go into all the gory details. Dredging up all that stuff holds absolutely NO positive benefit to your relationship with her. Especially the stuff about your past sex life -- I can see it now, if you actually DO talk about that with her, she'll later tell you she can't enjoy such-and-such sexual act because she keeps picturing you doing it with one of your exes. And if you DON'T talk about it with her, you get accused of hiding things from her. It's a classic no-win situation. Secondly, from what you've described, you've never given her any RATIONAL reason to be suspicious or distrustful of you. And yet she is suspicious and distrustful of you, 14 months later. That, in my view, means that her suspicion and distrust are irrational, and likely an ingrained part of who she is. Some guys would simply tell you to dump her, but it sounds like you genuinely care about her and would like to be with her were it not for this huge issue. But you've also made it clear that the status quo is not an option for you, as indeed it shouldn't be. So, as I see it, you have a few choices: 1. Keep going, hope for the best, and hope that she'll change over time. (Which she probably won't.) 2. Tell her that these issues are driving a serious wedge between the two of you, that they're making you start questioning the relationship, and that you want this issue to be resolved so that the two of you can have the relationship you both want. And in order to do that, she needs to start addressing these issues with the help of a counsellor. 3. End the relationship. Good luck man... let us know what happens.
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