kiwi123 Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 Hi, this is my first post and the reason I joined this forum. My boyfriend is depressed and I have no one to talk to about it since most of our friends are mutual friends and I don't want to break his privacy. I am 18 and he is 22. We have been dating for about 4 months but have been very close friends for about a year. We used to always joke around and have fun and never an awkward silence or anything. Recently, he has been getting depressed. It has been getting worse and worse. When he was younger he was on Zoloft (anti-depressant) but decided to get off of it on his own and has been fine since until recently. He also just got laid off from his job. He never wants to go out any more, just sit around and smoke and drink and watch TV. I'm fine with drinking and whatever but he's just using it for the wrong reasons I think. I've talked to him a lot about it and he admits that he is depressed but says he's okay and doesn't need therapy or anything. This morning he told me that he doesn't trust anyone except for me and he doesn't feel good enough about himself to be around any one, including our close friends, except for me. It makes me happy that he can open up to me a little but I don't think it's healthy that I'm the only person he wants to be around, I love him very much and it hurts to see him hurting and I just would like some advice as to what I can do about this? It's hard for me to always be cheery when he is so depressed. It's really affecting both of us and I just want to do whatever I can to make him happy. He constantly reminds me that it's not my fault and he doesn't know what he would do without me but when he's clearly feeling so bad it's hard to believe that!
Pfiend101 Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 Sounds like a loser. He gets laid off so his answer is to sit around smoke, drink and watch TV. Dump his ass. I don't know why women continue to date these types of guys. You can do better I'm sure.
Author kiwi123 Posted September 15, 2010 Author Posted September 15, 2010 Lol, thanks for saying that and honestly I know he sounds like a loser from what I said but he's actually a great guy and we are in love, he has a lot of good qualities (great musician, funny (when hes not depressed) etc,) but is just depressed right now and I want to be there for him
Pfiend101 Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 Its hard for a man to not have a job. Big blow to our ego's. That could be alot of why hes depressed. What line of work is he in?
Author kiwi123 Posted September 15, 2010 Author Posted September 15, 2010 He was working at a factory but it shut down. He is also a student and has been finding some odd jobs here and there but he has been borrowing money from his parents which also makes him feel bad about himself. But he is too down to actually get out there and try to find another job. He is also just chemically depressed I think, he was depressed when he was younger but then was fine for years and years but just recently it has been coming back.
Author kiwi123 Posted September 15, 2010 Author Posted September 15, 2010 I told him that but he refused. It's getting to the point where I'M considering seeing a therapist just so i know how to handle this....
skydiveaddict Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 I told him that but he refused. It's getting to the point where I'M considering seeing a therapist just so i know how to handle this.... I don't envy you the tough spot you are in. It might not be a bad idea for you to talk to someone about this. But the problem is ultimately his. I hope things will work out for you and him
redmelon Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 will he take an herbal supplement? If so, try Rhodiola rosea. You can get it at most stores that sell such things. Worth a try, I imagine...
A O Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 It's hard for me to always be cheery when he is so depressed. It's really affecting both of us and I just want to do whatever I can to make him happy. A depressed partner/boyfriend is manageable up until the point where it negatively affects those closest to them, in this case – you. Kudos for wanting to be there for him but please, do not ever lose sight of your own happiness!! In my twenty odd years of experience in this (relationship) game, I’ve seen too many people essentially lose themselves in situations very similar to yours. And your situation is made doubly hard given your ages (seeing the full picture and the consequences of choices made tends to develop with age). I told him that but he refused. It's getting to the point where I'M considering seeing a therapist just so i know how to handle this.. There's a fine line between being there for someone you care for and being their crutch. The former is good, the latter will wear you out and turn you into a shell of yourself. Clearly you're already heading down this path. Inform him, if you haven't already, how you are feeling about all this. Note his reaction but even moreso note his actions in the coming days ahead. If he hasn't changed any, if he's still not willing to improve himself, then that should send you a pretty clear message in regards to his ability to maintain a meaningful, satisfying relationship (and that's what anyone in their right mind wants after all). End game is - if things do not change for the better for you then you need to do what plenty of people in your shoes have done beforehand....you need to move on - for both your sakes!! .
Author kiwi123 Posted September 16, 2010 Author Posted September 16, 2010 AO......thank you for your advice. A lot of what you are saying are things I kind of know deep down but needed to hear. At the same time, he is my first true love (been in a few relationships but this is the only serious one), and you know the saying "if you are not with me at my worst you don't deserve me at my best".....that's how I feel about this. If i can't be there for him at his worst then i don't deserve him at his best. But I do need to do some serious thinking about if this is what's best for me. But honesly I don't care what's best for me, I just want him, and I want him to be happy and I don't know what I can do
denise_xo Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 My boyfriend is depressed and I have no one to talk to about it since most of our friends are mutual friends and I don't want to break his privacy. I really respect your stance on this one, but having been in a similar situation I say select at least one person that you can discuss this with and who you know will keep everything confidential. As AO said, you need to find a healthy balance between looking after yourself and looking after your bf. Recently, he has been getting depressed. It has been getting worse and worse. When he was younger he was on Zoloft (anti-depressant) but decided to get off of it on his own and has been fine since until recently. He also just got laid off from his job. He never wants to go out any more, just sit around and smoke and drink and watch TV. I'm fine with drinking and whatever but he's just using it for the wrong reasons I think. I've talked to him a lot about it and he admits that he is depressed but says he's okay and doesn't need therapy or anything. This morning he told me that he doesn't trust anyone except for me and he doesn't feel good enough about himself to be around any one, including our close friends, except for me. It makes me happy that he can open up to me a little but I don't think it's healthy that I'm the only person he wants to be around, I love him very much and it hurts to see him hurting and I just would like some advice as to what I can do about this? ! You can do everything in your power to support him but ultimately he needs to help himself. No desire for therapy or any other kind of external support is a red flag and a sign that he doesn't really want to face up to the realities of his situation right now. As for "if you are not with me at my worst you don't deserve me at my best", I'm totally with you. What this doesn't mean, though, is that you stop holding him accountable for his actions. It also doesn't mean that you have to put up with everything in silence 'because he is depressed'. Holding him accountable includes placing demands on him in terms of what you need in order for the relationship to work, that's a real sign of love and a message that you care about him and you want the two of you to stay together. Depressed people often become rather self-centred and need to be jerked out of their situation by people around them (not saying this to be mean, I've been suicidal myself). As one example, does he know that you are considering therapy to be able to cope with the situation you're in? If not, you should consider telling him.
Author kiwi123 Posted September 16, 2010 Author Posted September 16, 2010 Thanks guys. Denise_xo, you're right that I need to start placing some demands on him. I'm always really honest with him but in this situation I just want him to be happy so much that I kind of just say what he wants to hear a lot of the time and I don't place demands on him that would actually help him get better. But today I am going to do that. I'll update on how it goes lol... Thanks so much for the advice everyone.....more advice would be MUCH appreciated too if anyone has it.
Philetus Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 A depressed partner/boyfriend is manageable up until the point where it negatively affects those closest to them, in this case – you. Kudos for wanting to be there for him but please, do not ever lose sight of your own happiness!! In my twenty odd years of experience in this (relationship) game, I’ve seen too many people essentially lose themselves in situations very similar to yours. And your situation is made doubly hard given your ages (seeing the full picture and the consequences of choices made tends to develop with age). There's a fine line between being there for someone you care for and being their crutch. The former is good, the latter will wear you out and turn you into a shell of yourself. Clearly you're already heading down this path. Inform him, if you haven't already, how you are feeling about all this. Note his reaction but even moreso note his actions in the coming days ahead. If he hasn't changed any, if he's still not willing to improve himself, then that should send you a pretty clear message in regards to his ability to maintain a meaningful, satisfying relationship (and that's what anyone in their right mind wants after all). End game is - if things do not change for the better for you then you need to do what plenty of people in your shoes have done beforehand....you need to move on - for both your sakes!! . FOLLOW THIS ADVICE. This is a cycle and will get worse unless you actively work to end it.
Author kiwi123 Posted September 16, 2010 Author Posted September 16, 2010 Another thing that's hard about this is that he's just like depressed but he doesn't really do anything specific like i don't know when the best time to bring all this up with him is. We see each other every day and I called him today and here's how it went: Him: "yeah I'm feeling really depressed today I still want to hang out but all I wanna do is smoke and watch TV. Down?" Me: "I really don't think that's the best solution but I'm down to do that today I guess. I have some work to do and I will call you after" Him: "well that's what I'm doing! Call me when you're done working but I'm probably going to sleep really early" Me: "Ok......." Him: "You're right though. But that's what I'm doing. I feel like **** I love you I don't know what I'd do without you" Me: "Love you too I'll call you later" It's so hard to get anywhere with him!!!! But all the advice here has been really good I'll try talking to him more when I see him tonight (unless he just goes to sleep)
A O Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 If i can't be there for him at his worst then i don't deserve him at his best. Noble sentiment….however your well-meaning actions are actually backfiring on him. Through being there for him, through supporting his current behavior, you are actually offering no incentive for him to change. Quite the contrary in fact, you are enabling him, allowing him to feel comfortable with his behavior, keeping him longer than he should be – in his current funk. But honesly I don't care what's best for me, I just want him, and I want him to be happy and I don't know what I can do Your view of yourself is unhealthy. Those who value themselves attract people who value them and vice versa. His dysfunctional behavior has exposed your own dysfunctional beliefs. Therapy is on the cards for you as well as him. I'm always really honest with him but in this situation I just want him to be happy so much that I kind of just say what he wants to hear a lot of the time and I don't place demands on him that would actually help him get better. A prime example of aforementioned enabling behavior It's so hard to get anywhere with him!!!! But all the advice here has been really good I'll try talking to him more when I see him tonight (unless he just goes to sleep) This has become as much about you as it is about him I’m afraid to say. You appear to be codependent (google it to gain further insight). You definitely need therapy to help overcome or manage how you see yourself, henceforth, relate to others. You’re well-meaning, your heart is in the right place but you’re a little misguided - which is nothing that a bit of qualified guidance can’t remedy. Food for thought. .
Author kiwi123 Posted September 17, 2010 Author Posted September 17, 2010 A_O...thanks again for the advice. I do care what's best for me I was just pretty angry when I wrote that lol. Well I went over to his house today and I brought him cake with a cute little note and then we talked a lot. He is still refusing to see a therapist (I offered to go with him and he still refused) but I basically told him how much it would mean to me if he really actively tried to work on this. We agreed to go hiking this weekend. He still went to sleep really early (which is why I'm home writing this now) but he seemed really willing to work on it. After he dropped me off at home he sent me a text saying "I really will work on this I promise, we'll do something fun tomorrow I love you" So hopefully this is a step in the right direction! Thanks so much for your advice. Do you think it's possible for him and I to get past this without proffessional help?
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