sacredheart Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 Hello everyone! I'm new to all of this but happy that I've found this forum in hopes of receiving some good advice. I'm in a situation in where I'm almost positive that my boyfriend is cheating but haven't caught him red handed. We've been together for two years and just moved into a new place. Now, I've always had trust issues because I've been cheated on in the past so I do have this sense of alertness and looking for things. It doesn't help that he told me when we first started dating that he was always a cheater in the past but when he got married that he stopped and his wife wound up cheating on him...so karma got him in the you know what. He said that he vowed to never cheat again but I'm starting to believe the cliche "once a cheater, always a cheater". Over the last year there have been a couple of things that make me questino his fidelity. Last year on my birthday weekend I found that he was texting an ex of his. Then a few months ago I received a call from my ex boyfriend (who is a friend & works with my current boyfriend) telling me that he saw my guy at a bar with another girl. He described the girl to a T and said she was a new transfer to where they work. Now, the place that he said he saw my boyfriend with the girl was the place that my boyfriend said he was actually at. It's just that he said with his best friend, who's a guy and not some chick. I found it very odd that night that every time I called him he wouldn't answer immediately but would call me back five minutes later from the bathroom or outside of the bar...fishy huh? Normally when he's out with his friends he answers right in front of them. When he got home that night I confronted him and of course my ex was lying. He wasn't there with a girl. He doesn't know what he's talking about. I let that go. Just this past Friday, he had lipstick on the lower left hand corner of his shirt. I'm so traumatized. He says of course that it's not lipstick but I know it is. He said that it could be because we just moved and maybe the lipstick was smeared on one of the boxes he moved. He of course will not admit any of this. I know that because of my insecurities I may have pushed him away or into another woman's arms because I have major trust issues but when these things come into play am I really in the wrong for questioning him? He tells me that I'm crazy. That I'm going to lose out on a good man because I don't trust him, etc. and that he's tired of being questioned. That he can't be a good man to me unlesss I trust him first. That he has a good woman at home and would never do anything to jeopardize that. I just don't know if I really am crazy or these are signs that I need to get out? I often wonder when he would have the time to cheat cause he's with me almost always except for when we're at work but I've been told where he works, alot of cheating and affairs go on. That it's easy there. I don't understand why he would do this to me as I'm SO good to him. I've taken his children into my life and all. All of this is tearing me apart and I can't focus on anything and I just don't know what to do. I mean, can someone here please give me some advice. Being out with someone? Lipstick on shirt? Texting his ex who he says is just a friend. If all of this is going down why wouldn't he just leave me? I've asked him this and he says because it's all in my head. That nothing is happening. He said "why can't you be a girlfriend who when things like this happen, you just brush it off and know that you have a good man". I can't ever question him because he gets upset. He says he's over the questions. He says that he wants me minus all of the mistrust, etc. Can someone please give me advice. I really want to know what your thoughts are as I have nowhere else to turn. Lipstick stain really threw me over.... Thanks so much!
Mme. Chaucer Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 Ouch. I am very sorry you are faced with this. I think there are way too many red flags for you to be able to ignore them. Are you ready to leave him if he's cheating?
Darren Steez Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 Your insecurities didnt push him into another woman's arms, he doesnt need an excuse because he's shown at best he's not being honest about his activities and worst he's cheating. Look if everything is above board then there's no need to lie about where you are and with whom you are with. Trust your gut and dont put up with the nonsense, be strong and let him know what he's doing is not on, of course you wont be able to catch him in the act if he's away from home but if he continues this way you have to show him that his actions have consequences and you find a guy who will commit to you and you alone.
Author sacredheart Posted September 15, 2010 Author Posted September 15, 2010 Darren & Mme Chaucer - thanks for responding so quickly. Is there any other situation that would be in play other than cheating or do you think it is in fact, cheating?
Sphere Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 The only alarm bells I can see from what you've written is the lipstick on the shirt, why on earth would there be lipstick on his shirt? There is no reason for lipstick to be on his shirt, unless he's hiding the fact that he cross dresses when he is home alone? I think his reason is a poor excuse and I do hope you do not fall for it, who mixes lipstick with shirts when packing boxes to move into a new house? That's rather strange, is he right? If so then that could be an explanation. Where I think you should be careful is the fact he has been texting his ex, if you are friends with your ex and keep in regular contact with him, then why can't he keep in touch/forge a friendship with his ex? It's double standards to me and your ex has motive to try and sabotage your current relationship (not that he has, or will, but he is suspect) and could be trying to undermine things. Also, I hardly think it is a crime for a man to go for a few drinks casually, but a man with nothing to hide wouldn't deny this fact, so if your ex is right and he was in a bar with a girl and denied it and then has a lipstick stain on his shirt, I'd say that those are clear signs that he is being unfaithful and if I was you, I'd issue him an ultimatium, either you come out and be honest with what's going on or your bags will be packed.
Author sacredheart Posted September 15, 2010 Author Posted September 15, 2010 You are all right. I just get so frustrated when he has FLIPPED out on me for continuing to bring up the fact that he was in a bar with some girl. Like he yells at the top of his lungs and has slammed things around because "it's a lie...I didn't didn't do it...he's lying"...those are the things he says. Also, his best friend is boyfriends with my girlfriend and insists that he is SO in love with me and would never do anything to jeopardize what we have. That there was NO way he had lipstick on his shirt because he was with him on that day? I don't know...all so weird. Then on top of this, my boyfriend is extremely possesive with me. Constantly questioning me as well...
Sphere Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 You are all right. I just get so frustrated when he has FLIPPED out on me for continuing to bring up the fact that he was in a bar with some girl. Like he yells at the top of his lungs and has slammed things around because "it's a lie...I didn't didn't do it...he's lying"...those are the things he says. Also, his best friend is boyfriends with my girlfriend and insists that he is SO in love with me and would never do anything to jeopardize what we have. That there was NO way he had lipstick on his shirt because he was with him on that day? I don't know...all so weird. Then on top of this, my boyfriend is extremely possesive with me. Constantly questioning me as well... I really wish people would post the full story when they have a problem instead of selecting what information to share and not to share. Usually when someone keeps getting angry when questioned in this manner, they're guilty, however it is an understandable response if you keep on bringing this up. His best friend is the boyfriend of your friend and he has said nothing happened, well you can believe him, it's upto you whether or not you trust your boyfriend? (You don't), but remember that bestfriends will lie for each other. Not that any of that matters, he is entitled to go out with a girl, providing he isn't doing anything sexual with her. What should be concerned about is the lipstick, but from the post above, it seems like you don't know whether or not it was lipstick, so what was on his shirt?
Author sacredheart Posted September 15, 2010 Author Posted September 15, 2010 Sorry about that Sphere...I should have posted everything at once. It is lipstick. I'm almost 100% of it. Yes, his best friend is friends with my girlfriend. That's why I'm not sure if I should believe him or if he even knows what my boyfriend is doing behind my back. If he is in fact cheating. Do you think he'll stop? What would drive a man to do that?
Sphere Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 If you believe it is lipstick then you need to confront him, where was it that you found the lipstick? What drives a man to cheat? The same things that drive a woman to cheat. Emotionally unhappy, boredom, a sex addiction, it could be anything or a lot of things combined.
Author sacredheart Posted September 15, 2010 Author Posted September 15, 2010 Sphere - the lipstick is on the lower right hand corner on the front of his shirt... Emotionally he's so supported...when we're together we have a blast!
Sphere Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 Lower end of his shirt? It could have been anything, it's not conclusive enough. If you are happy with him and trust him and believe him then carry on you are, but if you have continued suspicions then you need to confront them head on. I think you two need to sit down and have a conversation about things, show him this thread even, it will be good for him to know what you think.
Author sacredheart Posted September 15, 2010 Author Posted September 15, 2010 Yes Sphere - lower end. But to me that just makes me think that the girl was getting ready to "do down" there. Too close ya know? He knows exactly how I feel. Just doesn't get why I am the way I am. That things do add up.
Sphere Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 You need to have a talk. No one can help you here. You seem insecure, but you are saying he is insecure too, two insecure people cannot co-exist together in harmony in the confindes of a relationship. Sooner or later the relationship will implode. You need to get over your insecurities, lack of trust and so does he and no one can help you with that here.
Author sacredheart Posted September 15, 2010 Author Posted September 15, 2010 Sphere I know...he refuses to talk and hear me out. It's all senseless and "wasted breath" to him. I mean, do you not think that lipstick at the bottom of his shirt could mean only one thing? I don't know....
Sphere Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 It could mean anything, which is why you need to confront on him on why it was there.
Author sacredheart Posted September 15, 2010 Author Posted September 15, 2010 Do you agree it's a huge red flag though? I confronted him, believe me. He said "I don't know..it's not lipstick". If it is it's from the lipstick on the counter in the bathroom (which is a total different shade) then he said it could have been from a box in the middle of our move to saying that it was on the bottom of his daughter make up box which is a totally different shade as well". He proceeded to tell me that I need to get my facts straight before accusing him. He didn't know that I know the colors don't match so that's not where they're from. He simply "doesn't know".
Sphere Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 Of course it is a red flag and it is red flag because he hasn't given you a concisive answer, but he could be telling you the truth here. You need to make your mind up as to whether or not you trust this man and see a future with him. If you have ny doubts then I would seriously considering calling time on the relationship. You cannot go on like this, it will only get worse.
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