LDR bf has a new female best friend in Army

[chelle21689]

(Lala82, you don't have to answer since you've answered on a different site...just looking for more opinions lol)

 

Sorry this is kinda long

 

My bf and I have been together 5 years but 2 years long distance. He moved away with his family across the country and ended up being bored with no job or friends so he joined the Army Reserve. During training he made so many friends, when it was time to go back home everyone parted their ways. Since he's been home he became very close friends with this girl from training that also lives in his area.

 

They hang out too much. They spend all their time together. They're going to be deployed together in Afghanistan, go to airborne school together, and on top of that they are going to learn a language together that barely anyone here knows! Some Afghan language called Dari. So yeah, basically the Army is making them stick together like glue...but outside the Army/Work they hang out together A LOT.

 

Since my bf moved he never had any friends even though he usually always has TONS of friends (guys and girls). So it really bothers me that his only friend is a female. I know they usually go out in groups (but most of her friends are female) and they all go to parties. So I know that he isn't lonely when he is with her and he has things to do instead of sit at home with his mom by himself.

 

I met her, she seems nice and we even got along but it bothered me seeing how much my bf and her have a good time. They laugh a lot together. She seems sloppy like tomboyish but girly. I had to stay the night at her place a few days and she gave up her bed for me and my bf to sleep in. She is engaged and has a fiance deployed in Iraq and they plan to get married next year and transfer to his unit after she gets deployed.

 

When my bf is with her, he'll still call me. If they're hanging out or at a party at her house, my bf will skype with me and show me whats goin on and "meet" people.

 

I talked to my bf a bout this a lot already. He knows how I feel...and he said he wants other friends but hasn't made any that he really enjoys company with. ALL I WANT IS FOR HIM TO HAVE OTHER GUY FRIENDS TO SPEND HIS TIME WITH NOT JUST HER HER HER. He claims he isn't attracted and she's one of the guys but that doesn't matter. I feel like since all his time is with her that she has taken my spot.

[Omei]

I was really worried for you till you said 'She is engaged' do you know if this is a very serious engagement? If so that's good I bet her man is out there wondering and feeling the same as you about your bf being with her all the time maybe hes out there going nuts as well.

 

If your bf is taking the time to try to make you feel okay about it and checking in with you and calling regularly I would try my hardest not to get jealous I know its hard and its going to be there but it seems he just has a friend to get him through the time. I always thought it was harder to make friends in the way of girl+girl and guy+guy it seems to take much longer at least that's what I have experienced in my life and its easier to break the ice in speaking to opposite sexes.

 

As long as hes not forgetting you and trying his best to make sure you're still special to him lock away your jealousy and try to accept you don't want to push him away with it, again I know it's hard.

 

Try to find a friend or make a friend to hang out with too and have a great time maybe it will ease the worry because you too are having so much fun.

 

"She is engaged and has a fiance deployed in Iraq and they plan to get married next year and transfer to his unit after she gets deployed."

 

^^^^^Try to remember once that happens she wont be around your man so much anymore she'll be much to busy with hers lol be excited for that day secretly lol.

[chelle21689]

Me and my bf are doing really good right now. I used to be a lot more jealous before but right now it's just ANNOYING that he's good friends with her.

 

There was a point when I actually was okay with them hanging out because I understood but then I was like "Wait a minute! They shouldn't be doing that!" LoL. I try to remind myself about her fiance...but it's hard to be positive when he's far away. He comes back in Dec-January.

 

The girl and her fiance is only 20 so they're young, been together for almost 2 years. They're really serious about each other and have a good relationship but I'm still scared.

 

But don't you think it doesn't really matter whether she is taken or not? People can still fall in love while in a relationship

[Omei]

Yeah I thought about that while I was replying to your post sometimes people can fall in love with each other when they are apart from they're partner but wouldn't it mostly be out of lonely? Might not even be that real. But you can't think about that, it will drive you mad. Have faith and be strong. Hopefully your partner is thinking about you and how happy you make him over this temporary friend he has or maybe they will always be friends even after they part but for now it seems they are just so close because they are both missing they're SO and their friendship puts the pain to a low.

 

I often get jealous of my bfs friends male or female just for the fact that they get to laugh, interact, hug have fun and then he comes home and tells me about how much fun he had and I feel left in the shadows. Sometimes I so badly wish I could experience these wonderful times hes having with him and I get so jealous inside our times are on the pc =/ I just gotta be strong. You can do it too.

[Bridgey]

I was in a situation similar this this in my last relationship, except I was the one hanging out with a new guy friend all the time and the relationship wasn't long distance. I ended up falling for my friend and we're together now. That being said here are some things I would suggest looking out for:

 

1. They spend all their time together alone. You said they normally go out with other friends to parties and such. Thats a good sign.

 

2. They do things that might be considered romantic. Like going out to dinner to nice restaurants or taking long walks together alone etc.

 

3. He ignores your phone calls or texts when he's with her.

 

4. He doesn't like to give you details about time they spend together or gets uncomfortable when you ask.

 

In my opinion it doesn't sound like you have much to worry about. You have to keep in mind they have a lot in common with everything they're going through. I'm sure eventually he will make some close guy friends, or even a few more close girl friends. Until he gives you good reason to be suspicious I would do my best to let it go (which I know will be super difficult). I hope this helps and I hope everything works out in your favor

[chelle21689]

That makes me nervous when you said you fell for your friend. Not trying to sound mean at all but just curious, did you feel guilty at all doing things that kinda caused you to fall for him or emotionally cheated while you were with someone? Not trying to offend you at all, if I did I'm sorry. I'm just trying to get more insight. Also, what did you tell your bf that was jealous at the time?

 

It's good to have some insight. My bf gives me every detail, he always picks up, he calls, etc. But I'm still scared that too much time together=falling in love.

[Bridgey]

The thing with me and my ex was we had been together since we were 15 (stayed together for 3 years) and we had grown into different people. My new boyfriend is perfect for the person I am now, and I hadn't realized how much I had grown apart from my ex until I met my current boyfriend. Of course I felt guilty that I had to break my ex's heart to be happy in the long run. It was an incredibly tough decision to make, but I knew I wasnt going to be happy staying with my ex for the rest of my life. I tried to make all the time I spent with my currnet boyfriend seem like no big deal to my ex, I wanted to focus on our issues (we had lots of them) instead of turing it into a competition between him and my friend. Me and my ex would not have stayed together regardless of me meeting my current bf.

 

And no need to worry about offending me, I'm happy to give as much insight as possibe

[folieadeux]

I too had my radar on in your OP, until I read the part about this girl being engaged. Sadly, sometimes this isn't a guarantee of anything, but her and her fiance seem like a tight couple from what you described.

 

Although I know this isn't always an easy thing to swallow, I really don't think you have anything to worry about. Your BF sounds like he's being great about including you in his life and making sure to still keep in regular contact.

 

I'd say you're downright lucky!

[chelle21689]

Ok thanks Bridgey. That makes me feel a bit better when you said you two would've broken up anyways whether you met your current bf or not.

 

Everyone else, thanks for the support...I don't think my jealousy will ever go away. The important thing is to maintain it though and not let it ruin my relationship like I almost did a month ago. I still hope that he'll make some guy friends to spend time with...I hope I hope I hope...but yeah at least he's making effort to make me feel like he still wants me. I'm still keeping an eye out no matter what lol

 

Not that it matters too much but they've been friends for almost a year now but good good friends for 6 months. You think I'd get used to it by now lol...

Edited September 16, 2010 by chelle21689

[Omei]

Not that it matters too much but they've been friends for almost a year now but good good friends for 6 months. You think I'd get used to it by now lol...

 

I think its normal that you're not used to it by now I wouldn't be ether unless I was there in the fresh hanging out with them as well.

[aerogurl87]

Well chelle21689, one of my boyfriend's best friends is his ex girlfriend. So I can see what you're going through. I was admittedly super jealous and suspicious of him being friends with her when I first found out that they were still in contact so I asked for a very detailed story of their relationship, break up, etc. And even then the thought that they were buddies still irked me, till I met her in person. She's a nice girl, very outspoken, and after meeting her in person I realized I had nothing to worry about. My boyfriend only hangs out with her when they are with their mutual friends, he constantly texts me when they're together, he lets me know what he's doing all the time when she's around, and he wants her and I to be friends. Now it doesn't really bother me anymore because he does put me as number one in his life. So as long as you are your boyfriend's first priority and he's not hiding this girl from you, when they hang out, or cutting off communication with you when they're together you really don't have anything to worry about I think.

[HeavenOrHell]

I don't think you've anything to worry about from what you've said. My partner's best pal is his ex gf, they even still slept in the same bed for months after they split as she has nightmares sometimes, I trust him totally but the bed thing was too much as I worried about her emotional dependence on him, I knew he wouldn't cheat on me or anything, he doesn't hide anything from me.

Most of his closest friends are female rather than male, but he said to me doesn't sexualise his friends.

Spending lots of time with someone doesn't mean they will fall in love.

Of course there are no guarantees in life and LDR's are hard enough already without worrying they will fall for someone else, but he is showing you he still loves and cares for you

[LisaLee]

I would have difficulties with it, but everyone has different situations. My difficulties lies in the fact that my SO is not the type to befriend females. For him to suddenly be very buddy buddy with one is out of character, and would raise a red flag. In fact I am his first female friend outside of his mother and sister. Other than me he only has one other friend who is a girl, and she is more of an acquaintance than anything.

 

I am his best friend. I feel like if he is to be best friends with any girl it is with me and vice versa. Now he has 2 other BFF, but they are both male.

 

The only situation that we have had where a girl was too close for comfort with my bf was his best friend's girlfriend. She had suddenly become very clingy with MY boyfriend and was messaging and texting him constantly. It started to interfere with our time together and become a serious issue.

 

In all honesty, I suspect it was her boyfriend who nipped her antics in the bud. Her boyfriend likes to compartmentalize things... he seems to keep his girlfriend separate from his friends... I think he was as thrilled with her taking up my SO's time as I was... so I believe he said something to her because she suddenly stopped.

 

I don't think your situation is much to worry about, though. From what you said he seems real into you, and tries to make you as involved in his life as he can while you are apart.

[irc333]

Typically, this is how some LDR's end (at least from my experience) because the female friend is currently geographically desirable.

 

But, that's what I've noticed with some people I knew.

[aerogurl87]

I'm sorry I just talked to my boyfriend and his ex has been demoted to friend status now, lol. He said I'm his best friend.

[folieadeux]

I'm sorry I just talked to my boyfriend and his ex has been demoted to friend status now, lol. He said I'm his best friend.

 

You have one awesome guy!

[aerogurl87]

You have one awesome guy!

 

Lol yep, I wake up every morning and go to sleep every night with that thought running through my head. Ok not gonna threadjack anymore, OP how's it going with your boyfriend's army friend?

[chelle21689]

Things are going really great between me and my bf. But I still wish he didn't spend time with her so much. She's in airborne school right now so they're apart but he will be joining her next week in Georgia

 

Guys, how do I encourage my bf to make more friends? He is usually the type to make a bunch of friends easily but for some reason in California it's hard for him. She's his first and only good friend there...he has another friend in the Army that's female but she doesn't hang out with them a lot. I just don't want her to be his everything out there. He claims he tried to hang out with a couple guys he likes at the unit but a lot of the time they'll make excuses to not come. When I was visiting, I noticed they invited some guys to the party and out to eat but they always say "Maybe." and never showed up. So I don't know what's up with that.

Edited September 17, 2010 by chelle21689

[aerogurl87]

Things are going really great between me and my bf. But I still wish he didn't spend time with her so much. She's in airborne school right now so they're apart but he will be joining her next week in Georgia

 

Guys, how do I encourage my bf to make more friends? He is usually the type to make a bunch of friends easily but for some reason in California it's hard for him. She's his first and only good friend there...he has another friend in the Army that's female but she doesn't hang out with them a lot. I just don't want her to be his everything out there. He claims he tried to hang out with a couple guys he likes at the unit but a lot of the time they'll make excuses to not come. When I was visiting, I noticed they invited some guys to the party and out to eat but they always say "Maybe." and never showed up. So I don't know what's up with that.

 

How long has he been in Cali? Sometimes it takes awhile to make lots of new friends, but if it bothers you this much you should tell him how uneasy it makes you and exactly why. No you can't tell him to stop being friends with her, but you can ask him to cut down on the contact they have if you feel it is inappropriate. By the way, maybe he should join a club sport or something on base if they have those (not sure if they do or not).

[folieadeux]

I think his situation makes it harder for him to make friends too outside of his unit due to obvious circumstances. He's not outside of his unit much I'm sure so whatever friends he does make, male or female, will be most likely related to his training during his time there. So to me, it's not something that can really be helped. He's not out there as a civilian doing the things we can do to meet new people in a new city/state. Also, his being shipped around to different parts of the country doesn't bode well for establishing lasting friendships either.

 

What I'm trying to say is I know this situation isn't easy for you to handle at times, but your BF is limited in the fact that he can't go out and make friends like everyone else. It seems as if you spend the most time with the people they "force" you to be with essentially...and in this case, your BF got paired up with a woman. As long as he keeps putting forth the effort that he has been I really feel like everything will work itself out.

[chelle21689]

I appreciate the positive advice and encouragement but I don't know if anyone can understand how hard it is to see another female be with her love 24/7 at work and for fun while you're thousands of miles away and missing out on everything that's a part of his life and his new experiences that I don't get to share with him. I'm still jealous but I'm still not going to let it be the reason that causes us to crumble.

[skydiveaddict]

That wouldn't sit well with me either

[LisaLee]

I'm sorry I just talked to my boyfriend and his ex has been demoted to friend status now, lol. He said I'm his best friend.

 

That's awesome, Aero. That is the way it should be.

[aerogurl87]

That's awesome, Aero. That is the way it should be.

 

Haha, my thoughts exactly.

[JamieA]

I appreciate the positive advice and encouragement but I don't know if anyone can understand how hard it is to see another female be with her love 24/7 at work and for fun while you're thousands of miles away and missing out on everything that's a part of his life and his new experiences that I don't get to share with him. I'm still jealous but I'm still not going to let it be the reason that causes us to crumble.

 

In my opinion, you have to keep your feelings to yourself as much as you can. To me, jealousy is a lack of trust. And if it was brought up to me over and over and over I would get tired of that. I do understand how you feel. I would probably be jealous also. But not for fear of them getting together. It would be jealousy that I didn't get to spend the time with my SO.

 

I hope you don't sour the contact you do have by bringing it up a lot. Or, asking too many questions about her. Just keep that in mind if you think I may have a point.