tigressA Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 "Since there's no 100% way to prevent pregnancy other than abstinence, what would you want to do if I/you became pregnant?" I never realized until recently how important this is to bring up when you're in a relationship and you're having sex, or plan to have sex. It is a huge make/break issue. What if you're with someone who is completely against abortion, and you always planned that if you got pregnant before you were ready that you would abort? What if you or your partner carry a gene that increases risk of certain defects/illnesses? What if you or your partner already have at least one child and they don't want any more, they don't want children at all, or are still totally undecided on if they want one? So LSers, do you ask your partner "What would you do?"
Pyro Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 IMO if you feel that you will have any regrets after engaging in sex then you probably shouldn't be doing it.
denise_xo Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 "Since there's no 100% way to prevent pregnancy other than abstinence, what would you want to do if I/you became pregnant?" I never realized until recently how important this is to bring up when you're in a relationship and you're having sex, or plan to have sex. It is a huge make/break issue. What if you're with someone who is completely against abortion, and you always planned that if you got pregnant before you were ready that you would abort? What if you or your partner carry a gene that increases risk of certain defects/illnesses? What if you or your partner already have at least one child and they don't want any more, they don't want children at all, or are still totally undecided on if they want one? So LSers, do you ask your partner "What would you do?" Yes, there comes a point when you need to have those conversations, both with your partner and with yourself in terms of where your personal boundaries are. I myself don't want children so it has always been extremely important to me that my partner takes birth control seriously as I'm not in any way ready to put myself in an 'oops' type of situation and say 'oh well it happened now let's deal with it and become parents'. At the same time, I have no intentions of going through any abortion. So it needs to be dealt with beforehand. I may be high maintenance as I come with a range of conditions (no children, no BC pills, no abortion) but have been lucky to have partners with whom I'm on the same page with on most of these issues.
Citizen Erased Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 It's very important to have that talk. It's not really guaranteed that their answers will be the truth but still. I told my handsome fiancé that abortion isn't an option with me. He knew that before we had sex. I figure they should be prepared for the what ifs.
GooseChaser Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 If a person decides that they never want to have another child, there are the surgeries to make one person or the other in a couple infertile. That is an option if you want to avoid pregnancy and are sure about never wanting more kids.
denise_xo Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 If a person decides that they never want to have another child, there are the surgeries to make one person or the other in a couple infertile. That is an option if you want to avoid pregnancy and are sure about never wanting more kids. In many countries though this option is only available for those over thirty something...
GooseChaser Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 In many countries though this option is only available for those over thirty something... Oh, I didn't know that! Is that for health reasons, or just so people can be sure they don't make a decision they'll make regarding their ability to have children at too young an age?
GooseChaser Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 Well, I think the pro- or anti-abortion issue is part of the bigger issue of the couple's compatibility. Their values in this arena reflects their beliefs, and it is very important to their likelihood of happiness in their future.
denise_xo Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 Oh, I didn't know that! Is that for health reasons, or just so people can be sure they don't make a decision they'll make regarding their ability to have children at too young an age? The latter - that they might change their minds and that reverting the operation is a risky and less successful business.
sweetjasmine Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 So LSers, do you ask your partner "What would you do?" Yup. Important issue, for me. We talked about it early on.
Ruby Slippers Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 I've always talked about it in relationships, and we were in agreement about what we would do (have the baby). And in my early 20s, since I knew I couldn't go through with an abortion, I was pretty terrified at the possibility of getting pregnant when I did not want to be!
Author tigressA Posted September 15, 2010 Author Posted September 15, 2010 Well, I think the pro- or anti-abortion issue is part of the bigger issue of the couple's compatibility. Their values in this arena reflects their beliefs, and it is very important to their likelihood of happiness in their future. I agree with this. If one person's against abortion and the other would willingly abort if they turned out to be expecting at a time they felt they weren't ready, the relationship is over unless one of them changes their mind for whatever reason. And the mind-changing, on either side, would be extreme. They'd have to decide if they want to sacrifice what they believe in for the sake of another person--and a potential person.
LisaLee Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 We have discussed this issue. First off my SO says he is ready to be a father, and I am the one who says "ooohh nooo, you're not." If I were to turn up pregnant there is a good chance he would be more happy than worried. But he also acknowledges that neither of us are in a financial position for kids, and there are some things we want to do before we start raising a family. He told me that although he would want me to keep the baby he does not feel it is his place to tell me what I should or should not do with my body. Funny enough, I feel if I were to get pregnant he has every right to be involved with the decision. He's the feminist in our relationship. I couldn't get an abortion. I am not down on anyone who has gotten one, but it is not a personal choice I would even consider.
Mutant Debutante Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 Well, I think the pro- or anti-abortion issue is part of the bigger issue of the couple's compatibility. Their values in this arena reflects their beliefs, and it is very important to their likelihood of happiness in their future. Yeah, I am pro-choice and every guy I've ever dated has turned out to be pro-choice, mostly because I am just not attracted to very conservative guys, I think. I'd probably be really turned off actually if I found out somebody I was going out with was anti-choice. That doesn't mean I"m all casually endorsing abortions for everybody, and I'd have a hard time making that choice myself. So I'm really serious about using condoms and being on birth control, I don't want to have any biological kids until after my sister is grown and on her own and I have had some time to travel and see the world.
prettybaby Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 We've talked about it and we'd both want to keep it. It would be unplanned, but it would be a great surprise
Author tigressA Posted September 15, 2010 Author Posted September 15, 2010 (edited) LL, we're in a somewhat similar position as far as our respective SOs. C and I discussed this just the other night and he said that if I were to become pregnant he would definitely want me to keep it--he would marry me. He's against abortion and he loves kids; he wants to be a dad, wants to have a family. Whereas with me...I always thought that if I became pregnant unexpectedly, I would abort. I've always been undecided at heart on whether or not I want kids, want a family. I've never yet met a guy who has made me feel like I would really want to have their baby. Though when we were talking about this I did let an image come into my mind of the two of us, with a cute little black-haired, dark-eyed kid, and it wasn't entirely unwelcome. I did have a miscarriage once, a few years ago, and I hadn't even known for a fact that I had been pregnant at the time. It turned out to be more emotionally devastating for me than I had ever thought it could be. I thought I would be more relieved than anything else. So I wonder if I really could ever go through with an abortion. Edited September 15, 2010 by tigressA
O'Malley Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 Well, I think the pro- or anti-abortion issue is part of the bigger issue of the couple's compatibility. Their values in this arena reflects their beliefs, and it is very important to their likelihood of happiness in their future. I think compatible views on birth control plays a large role in this as well. C and I discussed this just the other night and he said that if I were to become pregnant he would definitely want me to keep it--he would marry me. He's against abortion and he loves kids; he wants to be a dad, wants to have a family. Whereas with me...I always thought that if I became pregnant unexpectedly, I would abort. Do you feel that you could freely discuss your options with him, even if he didn't agree with your final decision about a pregnancy? I think that's important to know. Imo, the worst case scenario is a woman having to make a decision on her own because she feels the guy wouldn't support her or worse, would try to coerce her into the choice that he prefers.
LisaLee Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 ...It turned out to be more emotionally devastating for me than I had ever thought it could be. I thought I would be more relieved than anything else. So I wonder if I really could ever go through with an abortion. There was a great set of threads recently in the OW forums about a 20 year old girl who got pregnant by her married man. She was going to go get an abortion, her MM was pushy to the point of being physical about her getting one. She made the initial consultation appointment, and then made the actual appt. for the abortion. Her MM drove her to the clinic, and when she actually got there she faltered. He became angry and aggressive, she insisted she wanted to go home. In the end, she did not get the abortion. Instead she told her parents and decided to keep the baby. As of the last time she posted she was NC with the MM. This is a girl who very much considered abortion to be the only option and was going to do it up to the point of no return. It is such a huge decision!! I have a friend who has had 3 abortions, and called her 3rd one a spiritual moment for her. I personally can't understand that line of thinking, but for some it is easier to go through than others. BTW, your guy sounds like a really great guy the more you post about him I love guys who like kids.
Author tigressA Posted September 15, 2010 Author Posted September 15, 2010 Do you feel that you could freely discuss your options with him, even if he didn't agree with your final decision about a pregnancy? I think that's important to know. Imo, the worst case scenario is a woman having to make a decision on her own because she feels the guy wouldn't support her or worse, would try to coerce her into the choice that he prefers. Oh yes, I do feel that. And we did freely discuss them in our conversation. He did say that he would not want me to abort, but he did not say he would try to stop me if I really wanted to. He feels that since I'm the one carrying it, I have the final decision as to what to do. LL, I will have to check out those threads. I remember what happened after the miscarriage. I had these horrible dreams...I became rather depressed, went to counseling for a couple of months. I would spontaneously break down in tears. It was awful. If I reacted that way to something I had no control over, I highly doubt I could handle consciously eliminating a potential life.
Recommended Posts