How does one go about detaching...

[ComeUndone]

...and focusing more on their own self? I think I put too much importance on my relationship and not enough on myself and other aspects of my life. I tend to be a real giver, but I think that comes with expectations to a degree because if I don't get the communication/attention reciprocated from him, then I feel unimportant/unthought of. Sometimes things feel perfect, other times I feel the strain... I'm tired of this cycle. It may be that he is not doing anything wrong, just that we have different emotional needs.

 

I don't believe people can change the core of who they are... little quirks maybe, but not the way they have operated their whole adult lives. I haven't asked him to change, nor would I expect him to... I want him to be whoever he is going to be, and either we click and can make it work for the long haul, or we can't...

 

At times I feel lost in this relationship, like maybe I'm in deeper than he is. I think I "need" him more than he needs me... sometimes I feel he doesn't need me at all. He has enough other things/people/projects to keep him busy and satisfied, and sometimes I think that's really all he wants, that as long as he has a variety of friends to hang out with, interesting places to go, fun activities to partake in, he's happy and content and his life is fulfilled. I know he loves me but sometimes I just don't feel it. I know he sees me far into his future, I know he is perfectly happy... he tells me these things, but sometimes his actions (or lack of) don't tell the same thing. I don't know what to do other than to pull away some. I can't change him but I can change myself, and although I don't prefer that I close off a part of myself that I desire to share with the one I love, I CAN do it if it's what I need to do for myself.

 

How do I go about refocusing on myself when that's not my inherent nature? I don't even know where to begin...

[DontWorryBHappy]

Well, you haven't said anything about what you do with your time. Do you go to school? Do you work? Do you have some friends? Do you have interests? Do you have life goals? Generally the more of those things a person is focused on, the less time they will have to think too hard about whether their getting enough communication from their partner or not. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but since you appear to be focused on this when it doesnt seem like their is any real upset in your relationship, it might simply be that he has *less time* than you to worry about this stuff. Now that doesnt mean you're a terrible person or anything.. it just means that maybe you need to fill your time a little more.

 

On the other hand, maybe you tend to be like me in that you have trouble focusing on more than one thing at a time. I notice that whenever I'm in a relationship it becomes very centered in my mind. That person is always in my thoughts and it's hard for me to break away and concentrate on other stuff. Maybe examine those things about yourself and you'll be able to answer your own question.

[ComeUndone]

Well, you haven't said anything about what you do with your time. Do you go to school? Do you work? Do you have some friends? Do you have interests? Do you have life goals? Generally the more of those things a person is focused on, the less time they will have to think too hard about whether their getting enough communication from their partner or not. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but since you appear to be focused on this when it doesnt seem like their is any real upset in your relationship, it might simply be that he has *less time* than you to worry about this stuff. Now that doesnt mean you're a terrible person or anything.. it just means that maybe you need to fill your time a little more.

 

On the other hand, maybe you tend to be like me in that you have trouble focusing on more than one thing at a time. I notice that whenever I'm in a relationship it becomes very centered in my mind. That person is always in my thoughts and it's hard for me to break away and concentrate on other stuff. Maybe examine those things about yourself and you'll be able to answer your own question.

 

This ^^ is how I am. I work full time, I am pretty busy with other things and life in general. It's not as if I have an abundance of free time on my hands and therefore I tend to dwell on him. He is very centered in my mind, but this is just how tend to operate in relationships, not because I have too much time with not enough to do. I have plenty to do outside of him, it's just the refocusing on those things that I need to work on. There is no real "upset" between us...

[DontWorryBHappy]

Well in that case I can sympathize with you. Actually, one reason I'm trying to stay away from relationships at the moment is because I feel like I devote too much mental energy to the relationship. You are probably just more of an analytical person than your boyfriend - that isn't necessarily a bad thing. It just might mean that he doesn't think about what the various interactions of your relationship *mean* as much as you do whereas you are more likely to notice the little details. It's just that you operate differently. I think what helps me is to remember to always put yourself first and be logical about things. Maybe try thinking about whether there are any needs in your relationship that your boyfriend isnt meeting somehow. If you feel deep down that there's something more that you need from the relationship, definitely communicate that. Otherwise you just need to make a special effort to tell yourself that as long as you are taking care of what you need to do in your own life and contributing your own part to the relationship, your boyfriend is merely an enhancement to your already happy and fulfilled life. Then it should be easier to sit back and think to yourself, "Is this relationship enhancing my life?" By doing that you might realize one of two things - either the relationship *isnt* fulfilling your needs OR that you simply need to relax a bit more and enjoy the relationship instead of analyzing it too much.

 

(just a note, I do tend to be more like you while in a relationship, as I mentioned before. I always get very wrapped up in the other person and tend to feel like I care about the person to the degree of the characters in that movie "The Notebook" while my partner doesnt always share that same intensity. What you have to decide is how that personality difference influences your life and how it makes you feel about the relationship. It *might* be the case that you are more compatible with someone who also tends to put a romantic relationship in the forefront of their mind. For example, my brother is that type of guy who is very relationship-minded and is currently dating a girl who is that way too.... and they have the strongest relationship that I know of. It may be that you love and get along with your boyfriend, but DO pay attention to feelings of "being lost" in the relationship. Incompatibility is not ONLY present in relationships that are abusive, etc. Sometimes things just dont "click" as well as they should. Reminds me of my ex.... I loved the physical side of him, our personalities were very similar, we got along great, but in the end there were one or two inherant traits that clashed between us. He was more work minded while I was more spontaneous... and that started affecting things more than you'd think. So the difference you are experiencing with your boyfriend might seem minor, but that's not always the case. It just depends on how important it is to you.)

Edited September 15, 2010 by DontWorryBHappy

[ComeUndone]

I think you are spot on.

 

There is no major issue between us, in fact there's very few minor annoyances to speak of at all. We don't argue, we are very like-minded for the most part, it's just that I do have this sense of that I am missing something from him. It's not constant but it always creeps back in... been this way since our relationship started 2 years ago. I never can quite pinpoint the feeling and therefore it's been difficult to address... I don't know if I am the issue or he's the issue or what. I can't shake the feeling for any length of time... it always comes back. There's a sense of missing connection with him. This is not something I've felt with other boyfriends - just him. Strange thing is though, we have a better relationship than almost all of my past relationships.

 

I will admit that the busier I am, the less focus and importance I put on my relationship, the better and more independent I feel. There is a possibility I may be working a different job in a few months that will take a lot of my available boyfriend time away... I actually like the idea of me furthering myself regardless of the impact on my relationship. We'll see each other, but he won't come first anymore, I will. Thinking about how all this could pan out gives me a real sense of independence, and maybe that in itself is telling, I don't know.

Edited September 15, 2010 by ComeUndone

[DontWorryBHappy]

Yes, this definitely reminds me of my ex. We got along great too.. but there was *something* about our connection that just seemed a little "off". Maybe it had something to do with me acting a certain way around him or adjusting myself slightly around him so that I wasnt totally being myself. I think we didnt have the same sense of humor and he was a little more serious, but it was one of those things that was not a totally obvious problem. The new job *might* help, but it might not if this is the person you're really not meant to be with. I'm pretty sure time will tell though. Just listen to your heart and never settle.

[ComeUndone]

How did things end between you and your ex? How long were you together?

[DontWorryBHappy]

Well, I'm not sure if my situation would apply since we were only together for a couple months, but maybe it does. My ex and I really did get along great, I was always very attracted to him, felt very comfortable with each other. The only thing I noticed is that I wouldn't joke around with him in the way I normally would with people I truly clicked with because he wouldnt "get" my sense of humor. I was still pretty happy though and he seemed to be as well. Suddenly out of the blue he went from really doting on me and talking to me every day and calling me to no communication for about 3 days. At that point he revealed that he felt he wasnt being focused enough in school because he was too distracted by the relationship (even though I gave him tons of space and only saw him on weekends), and he was the type of person who can only concentrate on one thing at a time. So it was over like that. But I guess in the end it was that incompatibility that didnt SEEM to be a huge problem at first which finally ended the relationship. He was more work-minded, I was more of a free spirit. Of course I still thought I was happy... but it's funny how time makes you realize a thing or two (if it doesnt make you more confused...)

Edited September 15, 2010 by DontWorryBHappy

[ConflictedGuy27]

if I could add one point, OP: I like that refocusing attitude. my ex wife had issues where she relied on other people to facilitate her own happiness. as you can see, when the one you rely on has "things" going on, this can FEEL as though you're being neglected, even when the "things" your bf is doing are important/meaningful.

 

I suggest you follow his example & get more going on in your world that you can do/rely on as a source of happiness/fullfillment for you.

 

again, I applaud you for seeing this as something you may want to change.

[ComeUndone]

if I could add one point, OP: I like that refocusing attitude. my ex wife had issues where she relied on other people to facilitate her own happiness. as you can see, when the one you rely on has "things" going on, this can FEEL as though you're being neglected, even when the "things" your bf is doing are important/meaningful.

 

I suggest you follow his example & get more going on in your world that you can do/rely on as a source of happiness/fullfillment for you.

 

again, I applaud you for seeing this as something you may want to change.

 

I totally agree, and thank you. I am trying to do just that. It feels a little abnormal at times because I'm a more one-track-minder type person but I couldn't have found someone more opposite. There are times I think that being with him is helping to straighten me out, that he's unintentionally teaching me I can't rely on others for my happiness. Kinda forces me to find it on my own.. I just don't want to lose that passionate side of me. We should be able to rely on our partners for happiness to some degree, I just need to find that balance I guess.

[rlindzie]

I was in a bad situation, I was unhappy and sick of him trying to controll every aspect of me. So I left him, and I am so much happier. I think once you leave and do the things you love to do you will find that you never really needed him and that he was nice and even great at times but you need you and you can do better I think you should pull away and just do you. Being single can be fun and just being able to be you and focus on you and what you want is a good thing and honestly if you dont click then you dont click, there is nothing wrong with that and you can find someone who will click with you. You need to be happy by yourself and when a great man comes along thats great but if you are alone for a bit thats good too You deserve to be happy life is way too short!!!

[sugarmomma]

things/people/projects to keep YOU busy.

 

Just try it.

[ComeUndone]

I was in a bad situation, I was unhappy and sick of him trying to controll every aspect of me. So I left him, and I am so much happier. I think once you leave and do the things you love to do you will find that you never really needed him and that he was nice and even great at times but you need you and you can do better I think you should pull away and just do you. Being single can be fun and just being able to be you and focus on you and what you want is a good thing and honestly if you dont click then you dont click, there is nothing wrong with that and you can find someone who will click with you. You need to be happy by yourself and when a great man comes along thats great but if you are alone for a bit thats good too You deserve to be happy life is way too short!!!

 

He doesn't control me... he's totally the opposite. I don't want to leave him either, I just want to learn how to redirect some of my attention from him onto myself. He is a good guy, he makes me happy in so many ways, but I find that I am relying on him too much and therefore want to look to myself to uncover that happiness.

[ComeUndone]

things/people/projects to keep YOU busy.

 

Just try it.

 

You're right.

 

I will