Difficult situation...

[jessiegirl]

This is a bit of a complicated situation, but here goes:

 

To provide a little background, I'm a college freshman, I'm 18, and I have very little dating experience. Meaning next to none.

 

So my problem is that I met this guy, a senior who is 21, and we flirted a little and he seemed nice, so I agreed to meet him for coffee. On the date, I enjoyed talking to him, but I felt no real attraction to him, though he was obviously into me. At the end of the date, he walked me back to my dorm room. He asked me if I wanted to hold his hand, and being nervous and shy, I agreed, even though I really wasn't interested in him.

 

When we got to my building, he tried to convince me to make my roommate leave so that we could be alone. I felt that this was coming on a little strong, but being the shy, awkward, scared coward I am, I didn't say anything about it. (I did refuse to kick my roommate out, I just didn't confront him about being too direct). Anyway, he finally relented, but when we got in the elevator, he cornered me and kissed me. Again, I am shy and terrified and inexperienced, so I let him kiss me and didn't push him off. He finally got off me when the elevator door opened and someone else got in.

 

At this point, I was pretty shaken. He told me he enjoyed the date and asked me when I was free next week. Again, I am shy and nervous and a total coward, so I kind of mumbled and told him I was free for lunch. But I really don't want to go on another date with him.

 

To make things worse, about 30 minutes after he left, he messaged me on both skype and facebook saying he had enjoyed the date and did I want to meet him for lunch on thursday.

 

SO BASICALLY, I feel like I was leading him on because I held his hand and allowed him to kiss me. Plus, I don't think I ever made any indication that I was uncomfortable during the date, because I legitimately enjoyed our conversation and then later was too much of a coward to tell him I was uncomfortable with his advances.

 

So now, I'm just sitting here feeling like a complete moron for letting things get out of hand and a total b**** for leading him on when I'm not interested.

 

So, how can I tell him I don't want to see him again? Do I owe him a second date?

 

Sorry this post is so long...

[Confused100]

No, you don't owe him a second date. If you're not interested, don't go out with him again. Next time, if you're uncomfortable, don't let someone take advantage of you! Stand up for yourself!

 

Perhaps tell him that you're sorry for leading him on and aren't interested in dating him?

[tman666]

Next time anyone you don't know that well corners you in an elevator and tries to kiss you, kick them in the ****ing balls.

 

The way you described his actions sounds like he bullied you into a second date in addition to his aggressive kiss. What makes this guy think that he's so good he can pull a stunt like that on an obviously shy, obviously freshman girl.

 

**** this kind of **** pisses me off.

 

You didn't lead him on. He is using your inexperience against you to get into your pants. There are no redeeming qualities about someone like this. Tell him you're not interested and make sure you hang out with at least one other girl friend for a while. He's trying to take advantage of you, and you need to learn real quickly to watch your back.

 

Seriously, that story gives me the willies. If you were my little sister I'd find this **** and make sure he didn't even look your way again.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I'm guessing that you would have been sexually assaulted had he been able to woo you to a private location.

 

Nowthen, of course that implication scares you while you're sitting there, but it should also help you to understand that you are likely in danger of being drawn to a place to which you don't want to go.

 

This should be proof positive that you had better work extra hard at NOT putting yourself into dangerous situations like that.

 

 

Sexual assaults are not as "random" as people like to believe. Predators are looking exactly for the "nervous, shy, terrified, cowardly and inexperienced" prospects who won't "kick them in the ****ing balls" upon their first getting out of line. (and let me tell you, you've never been around such a large collection of potential predators as you are when it's your first year of college)

 

IF you have a history of being the victim of sexual improprieties of any sort then you are majorly at risk. College freshmen are about as prime a target as can be found.

 

At least reduce your chances of being selected by fate by not putting yourself into one-on-one situations with any guy there at your new school anytime soon. There will be plenty of days ahead for that.

[welikeincrowds]

You guys are assuming we have a reliable narrator here. She has already admitted multiple times that she didn't assert herself. We have no idea if he was being reasonable or not; all we know is the common sense: that she should not continue to see this man, because she (duh) doesn't want to.

[that girl]

You didn't lead him on, but you did let him push you to do things you didn't enjoy. You need to work on being more assertive before you go on another date with anyone. This kind of fear of confrontation could end badly for you.

 

Text him or email him to cancel the date and tell him you're not interested. Be firm. Something like "I appreciate the offer, but I don't feel a romantic connection here."

 

You guys are assuming we have a reliable narrator here. She has already admitted multiple times that she didn't assert herself.

Decent guys don't just back off if the girl screams "No!" they also don't make out with people who are passively standing there. I'm not ready to say this guy is a potential date rapist, but he doesn't sound like a winner.

[Imajerk17]

I will give this guy the benefit of the doubt and assume that he is just a little clumsy. As men, we are taught that we do have to initiate, but it would have served everyone better if he had read the signals a little better and tried to kiss you somewhere so you wouldn't have felt 'cornered'.

 

You also have every right to turn your face so he ends up kissing your cheek. If he did not respect that, then he was 'over the line'.

 

Anyway, you certainly have a right to not see him again. Write him and let him know that you thought about this some more and that while you appreciate his offer, there will be no second date.

[BillieD]

You guys are assuming we have a reliable narrator here. She has already admitted multiple times that she didn't assert herself. We have no idea if he was being reasonable or not; all we know is the common sense: that she should not continue to see this man, because she (duh) doesn't want to.

 

I'm inclined to agree with you. I think the talk of kicking him in the balls and insinuations that he would have raped her given the opportunity are pretty excessive. He held her hand, kissed her, and tried to get her roommate to leave. Obviously he was into her and wanted to have sex with her, that does not a rapist make.

 

@OP: Just tell him you're not into him. It'll save you both an unnecessary second date. You're absolutely not obligated to go out with him. And it'd be better for him too that you let him know he's barking up the wrong tree. So then he can go bark up a more receptive tree.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I'm inclined to agree with you. I think the talk of kicking him in the balls and insinuations that he would have raped her given the opportunity are pretty excessive. He held her hand, kissed her, and tried to get her roommate to leave. Obviously he was into her and wanted to have sex with her, that does not a rapist make.

 

@OP: Just tell him you're not into him. It'll save you both an unnecessary second date. You're absolutely not obligated to go out with him. And it'd be better for him too that you let him know he's barking up the wrong tree. So then he can go bark up a more receptive tree.

 

 

Funny, I just did a search for the word "rape" on this page, and yours was the only mention of it.

 

It is probable that the guy already sexually assaulted the OP based on her own story. Now maybe she's the world's greatest fiction writer, of course, but here at LS we can only respond to what has actually been written.

 

Hey, come to think of it, that would be a good general rule for you as well.

[BillieD]

^Awww, are we being pedantic? If so, did you note the use of my word "insinuations"? The tone of this thread is quite obvious. And in your post alone trigger words like "sexual assault," "victim," and "predator" all pop up. All because some guy kissed a girl in an elevator. What a predator, that is so messed up.

 

I did read the OP's post, did YOU? Because nowhere in there did she mention being victimized. You decided to take a giant leap there. Getting your hand held and being kissed at the end of a date are not assaults. Making light of sexual assault by attributing it to a situation like this does no service to actual assault. When a girl is being sexually assaulted then she should absolutely fight back. But getting kissed or a guy grabbing your hand (after asking to no less, the brute!) is not being sexually assaulted. I agree that this girl needs to work on her backbone and saying no and being assertive, but kicking a guy in the balls for holding her hand is beyond excessive.

 

The guy clearly wanted to get laid. You think he was "probably going to assault her" and that's why he wanted to get her alone. Yeah, big leap. Guys generally try to get girls alone with them at the end of dates, to get laid. Assuming he was going to "sexually assault" her just because he wanted to be alone with her is the sign of a dirty mind.

Edited September 15, 2010 by BillieD

[SincereOnlineGuy]

he cornered me and kissed me. Again, I am shy and terrified and inexperienced, so I let him kiss me and didn't push him off. He finally got off me when the elevator door opened and someone else got in.

 

At this point, I was pretty shaken.

 

 

 

Still sounds like BillieD didn't read the Original Post

 

 

He "cornered her"

 

She is/was "terrified"

 

He "finally got off of" her...

 

She "was pretty shaken"

 

 

 

all excerpts from the original post.

 

She was undoubtedly sexually assaulted within all of that.

 

(natural reactions to an invited kiss, right???)

 

Unless, of course, you believe that the guy was gay and/or there was never any physical contact at all.

 

 

By any reasonable interpretation this girl was assaulted, and she was definitely the victim of battery, so the only variable is the "sexual" part. Good luck trying to convince yourself that the perpetrator is gay.

[tman666]

kicking a guy in the balls for holding her hand is beyond excessive.

 

Yeah, kicking a guy in the nuts for holding trying to hold her hand would definitely be excessive. Re-read my original post.

 

Being cornered in an elevator by a guy you barely know and having him force himself upon you is an entirely different scenario. The OP said that this guy "cornered her". To me, this indicates that his advances were unwelcome.

 

She described him, a near stranger, as being overly forceful for what is considered by most people to be within normal parameters of courtship. I don't see why it's so hard to imagine that this dude might be a bad guy.

 

I'm not going to try and dig up "studies" on this, but I've heard that about a third of all girls are sexually assaulted in some form or another at some point during their college careers. Why would anyone take a scenario so obvious as what the OP described and say "oh, you know, he's probably a great guy. Since when is kissing someone and holding their hand a crime?". That's like saying "since when is fingering a girl when she's fading in and out of a drunken semi-consciousness a crime? It's just a little foreplay, right?"

 

I apologize for making such drastic comparisons, but saying that all he did was hold her hand and kiss her after a date and then tried to get her roommate to leave is overly downplaying the situation. There are bad people out there, and young women in college and otherwise have to be able to set definite boundaries and have a heightened sense of situational awareness.