ladeedee Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 Hi- so I've known by boyfriend since January of 2009.. we're both in college right now. We dated just short of 6 months before, split, then have been back together for almost 6 months again. And by the way,this is going to be a very long post, but any advice would be absolutely wonderful. A few days ago we had a conversation.. he hasn't said I love you yet and I was wondering where his commitments are. I am very, very happy with him, it's just that I need to know where he is. He started talking about what we're going to do after college. I'm pursuing a master's degree and he isn't sure what he's doing.. to move back home or to go back in the navy (he was in for four years). He has only told me that he "deeply cares for me" and wants to pursue a longer relationship. Then he said he doesn't know if he's in love with me. I said how can you not know if you are or aren't in love with someone. He said that it's possible it may take him the rest of college to say it. I said that I can't wait that long to hear it because it is unfair to me. I love the guy, but this is unfair. He said he didn't want to quit and that he wants to stay together. So that's how he feels about it. He said he has past issues that he needs to deal with and that's what is stopping him from saying it. He's afraid. I asked him about the last time he said it and how he knew. He said, "I just knew." This was 4 years ago he said it to another girl. I asked so how come you just "don't know" with me? He said a lot of things have happened since then and that he wants to deal with it on his own. I told him that I think he needs to go talk to somebody. If he truly wants us to work, he needs to go talk to someone. I told him if he doesn't resolve past issues he has now and we break up, it'll just happen to another girl. I want him to get over whatever it was that happened to him. All my friends say that the way he acts around me, the way he looks at me, everything about him when he is around me says that he IS in love with me. I know he does... he is afraid because of his past. I told him I thought it was bull**** if he wasn't in love with me. He looked at me with "doe eyes." My plan is that if he sees somebody, there is a good chance I'll stick around. If he doesn't help himself, I'm wasting my time because I can't do it. I talked to him about counseling and he said "he'd think about it." He said that he doesn't think they will help him, thinks that his case is the worst they will ever hear. He said he's worried it will make our relationship worse... but they are there to help. He is so afraid to go... How do I support him into going? Due to his busy schedule, he doesn't even have time until the end of September. I want him to go.. it is the only way.
Ruby Slippers Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 If he can't or won't tell you he loves you after almost a year of dating, either he doesn't love you, or his emotional issues are so big that he can't love you. Neither one is acceptable. I don't see this going anywhere. Sorry.
Author ladeedee Posted September 11, 2010 Author Posted September 11, 2010 He also told me last semester that he thought he was depressed. I won't stay if he won't help himself. I want him to help himself. I love him too much to just leave him when I know he has issues that need to be resolved. If he refuses, like I said, I'm done with it. I'm almost thinking about going in and talking to someone myself because of all of this.
GooseChaser Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 A few things you could do is spend time with him and be there for him. Counseling could help you, so if you think you want to go in for that, go for it! Maybe they could give some helpful advice too. If it goes on too long and it's just not working out-- you can decide where to draw that line-- you always have the option of letting go and looking elsewhere for love, if he will not or can not offer it. Doesn't a person being a boyfriend usually mean they are in love? Otherwise it would be dating? I guess the line could blur there too. He should at least care a lot for you if he's in a relationship with you, I'd hope.
atlnay Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 When I was your age, I wanted to hear it soooo badly, but here is the thing: say he finally said it to make you happy, but all the ways he has been showing you how he truly feels (and you cited proof others see it) stopped or was halved, but you were told I love you as often as you need to hear it, is that the relationship you want? If so, keep getting on him about it. Listen, just relax & enjoy your time with him and how he chooses to show his love. He can be doing those things for another chick, but he is with you. I am not a big L word sayer myself, so it's not just men. And so what he said it to another chick...they are no longer together so much for the word being binding . Based on what you have shared, I would just let it go and enjoy our time before we make major moves.
GooseChaser Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 There's a phrase: "Listen to their actions, not their words." Keep an eye on his verbal and non-verbal communication to help you with figuring him out.
Ruby Slippers Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 He also told me last semester that he thought he was depressed. I won't stay if he won't help himself. I want him to help himself. I love him too much to just leave him when I know he has issues that need to be resolved. If he refuses, like I said, I'm done with it. I'm almost thinking about going in and talking to someone myself because of all of this. I have been in shoes like yours, and I did exactly what you are thinking of doing. That gave me the strength to leave a man I loved more than I knew I could love someone, but who could only help himself and was not ready to. It's a tough spot to be in, and I don't envy you. But you sound like a smart, strong lady, so I'm sure you can handle it. Good luck. Keep us posted on what happens.
Author ladeedee Posted September 13, 2010 Author Posted September 13, 2010 (edited) So he came over last night after I went home for the weekend. I kept everything that was posted here in the back on my mind.. paying attention to his actions towards me. He comes in my apartment and is all chatty... talking to me like his best friend. He is so happy to see me. I took a step back and watched how he treated me. Just for the heck of it, y'know? It is completely obvious how he feels about me. I think he thought about me over the weekend.. and I don't know whether it is my different state of mind, but I'm pretty sure he came to some realization over the weekend as well. He kept giving me all these compliments about what his friends think of me. How they think I have a great personality and I'm cute/hot/nice girl. I was like, well jeepers, thanks. Told me one of the guys that he lives with probably has a crush on me. He has a couple ailments right now and he was taking my advice how to take care of them... he was just acting more... I don't even know what it was he was acting more of... Honestly, he was treating me like a best friend last night. Which he should be.. but it was different this time. Something is different. Maybe it's me. Maybe it's him. Maybe it's the both of us.... I'll keep posting. Edited September 13, 2010 by ladeedee More info
GooseChaser Posted September 13, 2010 Posted September 13, 2010 I'm glad our advice is helping you! That makes me happy. I hope things go well! Good luck, and best wishes!
Imajerk17 Posted September 13, 2010 Posted September 13, 2010 You're talking about going to couples counseling kinda gave me the chills. It makes me think that you're coming across a little overbearing. Seriously, lighten up and stop pestering him. The less you're on top of him (figuratively speaking) the more he will pursue you.
GooseChaser Posted September 13, 2010 Posted September 13, 2010 If you decide not to do couples counseling, you can always get counseling independently or read books about relationships on your own. Getting help here is another example too.
Imajerk17 Posted September 13, 2010 Posted September 13, 2010 OK, I misread, you actually are pushing him to go to counseling. My advice still stands. Lighten up. You might be smothering him. The more you push the less he will come to you.
Author ladeedee Posted September 13, 2010 Author Posted September 13, 2010 (edited) Oh I was never considering going to couples counseling! I was talking about himself going or myself independently. I haven't been pestering at all. I have been doing less.. complimenting more though. Haven't been pestering in the slightest. He came over last night and we just had fun. Last time and only time I mentioned counseling was last Thursday night. Edited September 13, 2010 by ladeedee
Author ladeedee Posted September 16, 2010 Author Posted September 16, 2010 So he invited himself over last night after me not putting forth much effort into the relationship, I just lessened the amount of how much I contact him. I always do it so I thought, I'm going to let him do it. He finally did after about 2 days. Came over acting like I'm his best buddy again,, treating me like he's in love with me lol. We were laying in bed and he said something while I was talking that he thinks that I've been thinking about marriage with him. I didn't say anything and kept talking because I don't want to talk about marriage. Then he said it again, "Aren't you?" I blew him off completely and he stopped. I feel that I am sure as hell not discussing marriage when he hasn't even said I love you. I told my friend about this and she said all this means is that HE'S been thinking about it. Do any of you agree with that? Then when we were sleeping, he was rubbing his feet against mine and when my hand was behind my head he kept rubbing my fingers and trying to hold my hand. It woke me up and I asked him if something was the matter.. he was hugging me and all as well... and he didn't respond. So he's doing all this in his sleep... and that's a first for sure. And that's all I've got.
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