a sticky situation

[goldencloud]

i met the man of my dreams, and he proposed however there is a catch. ive always had a problematic relationship with my mother but while she is happy about this, she wants us to get our legal documentation in place before the actual wedding(5 months). hence we will be legally married but not 'socially' married before the wedding. she says this because it will help us incase we have premarital sex(its already happened but she doesnt know). she is very traditonal, extremely extremely so. and since we cant afford a wedding until 5 months, she wants 'my interests protected'(she had a horrible divorce and it scarred her for life). anyways i could fight this with her and do things as i please, but i dont want to because she is very delicate mentally and i dont want to throw her over the edge(you have to know her to understand). is it so terrible to assume my fiance can support me in this(he afterall proposed and we were planning to get married in feb)...she just wants the legal work done before the actual wedding, so we'll be married but legally and upon the wedding, socially married..please advise. she is a very fragile woman and means the world to me, inspite of her strange ways and i feel if he's propsosed to me and loves me enough to commit his life to me, signing legal stuff initally isnt such a big deal( he wont be providing for me and im not depending on him for fiances, i have my own fiances..its just to give my mother mental peace) please advise:sick:

[meerkat stew]

Your mother sounds like a wise woman, child Observe her wishes, she is only thinking of your best interests. Happy marriage!

[goldencloud]

i put this here because i desperately need objective advice in how to approach this topic with my fiance. i've already dealt with issues with his family and seems only fair he can understand it about me...i hope

[meerkat stew]

OK, despite my flippant and undetailed reply, I am a lawyer. Your mother is 100% correct, if this is all it takes to make her happy, do as she wishes. It's win win all around to get the legal docs in order before the actual marriage. If the guy balks at something so trivial and common sensical, overrule him, you get to do that

[TaraMaiden]

I answered the same thing in your other thread.

And I agree with meerkat, here.

 

If your prospective husband loves you, he'll understand.

 

 

 

Won't he?

 

If he baulks, that should give you thought about who exactly has your best interests at heart.

[goldencloud]

Thank you so much for what you have said. I suppose I feel really strange about it because we will be married, just never imagined she'd want it to be legalised this early.....I just fear what his family will think I suppose....However if we are meant to get married anyways in Feb, how can it be that awful to undertake the legal documentation 5 months in advance? My mother had a brutal divorce if there ever was any, and as a result has become extremely nit picky, unfortunately as her only daughter, I suffer, or maybe am blessed with the brunt of her refusing anyone is taken for a ride...Somewhat weeding out the the man who is serious from the one who isn't...But I suppose you can understand my awkwardness at the situation, I just have no idea how to approach the situation with my fiance:sick:

[TaraMaiden]

You tell him that your mother, being a doting and affectionate woman, and caring for her only daughter, has made but one request.

And as she had the brutal experience of a really ugly divorce, she's asked that we.....do the following... for her peace of mind and serenity.

 

I remember hearing two girls on a bus, sat in front of me:

one said -

"Oh my god, I am so pi$$ed off! My mum wants to know where I go, who I'm with, what I'm doing, when I'll be back, how I'll get back - everything!!"

 

the other one replied.

 

"You're lucky. Mine doesn't."

 

I don't know how long you two guys have been dating, or how long you've known each other, or culturally, where you are from, or how old you are.... but I would say you are very lucky having this woman batting on your side.

 

Are you worried about all this because perhaps, he might refuse, and you might jeopardise your relationship with him?

If so - what does that tell you about the relationship?

[goldencloud]

Thank you Taramaiden:o Well, I spoke to him and he's totally happy about doing that so I guess its good from that end. However my initial, I guess irritation, was at the fact that I kind of felt 'forced' to marry earlier than anticipated(even it'll just be the legal stuff), however after reading all these posts, and talking with a few friends, I realise that its really not a big deal, if he really loves me he will understand and thankfully he's happy with it.

HOWEVER where my insecurity lies is elsewhere. For the record we're both in our mid 20s. His family, especially his dad, had a hard time coming to terms with the fact that we're an interracial couple. And I guess they are cool with it now, but now my mom is presenting this new development and I'm just worried it'll be problematic and my silly fears worry, what if it becomes hugely problematic for them, and he gets swayed? We've been together for a year, and he's financially independent for the most part, and like I said, I don't rely on him for financial purposes and won't up until we're 'socially married' and we can share mutual funds then...

SO I guess the consensus is my mom is looking out for me, I guess I was just worried about how it would 'appear'? The old me would have fought tooth and nail, but as I get older, I do see the relevance is fighting through every detail in life... Thank guys, if you have any advise in ref to the family stuff it would be super. Initally when his father posed a problem, my fiance told me if his dad didn't back down, it would not matter, because he would marry me regardless and that his love for me is not dependent on any opinion etc...So it was nice to hear but at the same time it's like aaahhh so first issue about where i'm from, and now my mom wants this... they don't know yet, but he's so happy with it anyways, and says he'll let them know

[goldencloud]

For the record, I'm also worried about how his father will react to my mother. I hate to bring it down to colour but that's what it is, and I feel there is no better way to explain it then by laying the cards on the table. Whilst I am american, my ethnic background is ethopian from my mother's end,and my father is danish/irish. He on the other hand is not mixed at all, and infact is lebanese. Bear in my though, that his family is not conservative at all religiously or culturally, just his dad had a huge problem with the fact I was infact 'half black' and went on to say that I look really pretty but I'm dark (when it fact I am whiter than his own son?! or anyone in that family??), literally it came down to my blood. I'm very proud of my background, and whilst it was annoying to hear , it was like water of my back. Anyways to cut a long story short, I haven't met his dad or family yet as I've been in danmark for the past month(he proposed a month ago), and his family had been away the entire summer....Anyways the father backed down, and my fiance is sure once he meets me any residual qualms will die down..as his father did confess while his comment was in poor taste, it was just the shock of multicultural marriage that got to him. in any case I told finace, as long as none of what conspired ever reaches my mom, i'll be fine because i don't really care at all or entertain anyone who has issues with race/religion and so forth. he assured me it wouldnt.So I'm worried slightly I suppose, if my mother's insistence on this legal stuff will yet be another problematic thing?