What to make of this...

[lovelylove]

My boyfriend is 43, I'm 48, I have a 22 year old daughter.

I've known him for 8 years, have been dating almost a year, the last few months more "seriously".

My boyfriend has always referred to a young woman he had a "crush" on... he said it was mutual (he hasn't talked about her while we're dating, this was before, when we were friends)... anyway she is a waitress at a restaurant he frequents, and he would talk about her, how pretty she was, what her major was in school, etc...

As it turns out, she happens to be one of my daughters' closest friends (!) and a few weeks ago told my daughter my boyfriend is "creepy". My daughter was upset and asked me "why would she say that if he's not creepy mom?"...

 

This is bothering me A LOT. At first I figured oh, she's a young pretty girl who gets a lot of attention, and probably thinks anyone over 30 who flirts with her is creepy... but last week he mentioned her and it REALLY bugged me (he knows my daughter and her are friends, I told him when I realized who she was, about 6 months ago), he was talking about her as if she were his friend, and I said "I don't think she likes you too much, she said some not so nice things to my daughter". I didn't tell him exactly what she said and he didn't ask, instead he got upset and said "whatever! I've always been nice to her, what's her problem!" and has, since then, called her a snob a couple of times. I know her and she's not a snob, just a normal 22 year old pretty girl.

 

I don't know what to DO exactly at this point, but I'm feeling creeped out myself. Something about older guys hitting on girls half their age has always bugged me A LOT. Yes, it's my "issue", I know, but it still bugs me, is gross to me, and I'm wondering now about whether I really love my boyfriend if he's the kind of guy that flirts in a creepy way with girls my daughter's age.

 

Before we started dating he often talked about the fact that he wanted more children, and that he wanted to find a young woman to have them with. He's since changed his mind, or so he says, because he can't afford them, and doesn't want to be 60 when they're graduating high school.

 

Should I say or do anything, what should I do? I feel strange, and am more upset that he became defensive and blamed my daughter's friend for not liking him. She probably flirts back with all her customers, just to be polite and earn tips, and he took it as something more.

 

What bugs me is men with deluded egos... who think that young attractive girls who happen to be waitresses, secretaries, sales girls, clerks, etc etc are FLIRTING with them, and think "yeah I've still got it, she wants me" when in fact they are just being polite and doing their job.

 

Any advice on what to do? Should I ask my daughter's friend to be more specific? I don't really want to do that, because it's prying and would make her uncomfortable, I don't know if she'd be entirely truthful, and I'm not sure I really want to hear, ugh.

Thanks, sigh.

[atlnay]

I'm not exactly sure what you are trying to get from him, but let me ask you, is this situation a dealbreaker? In other words, can you let it go and move on with him as usual or do you need to get some questions answered otherwise you'll have a changed view of him? And if you decide you do need a conversation, is there a chance you may leave him if you dont like his response? Based on how you answer that, I can you give some suggestions on how to approach this.

[Serenitynow]

Sounds like he is like most guys, they have a delusional state of mind, and think that young hot girls find them attractive. You bursted his bubble with reality, so of course he's going to defile her to save face.

 

Guys that are egotistical are much more in need of constant reassurance that women find them attractive. They flirt constantly. Maybe they flirt with girls in service oriented jobs on purpose, knowing that the girl almost has to flirt back and treat him nice, being that he's a customer. So in turn that helps support their delusion, when shes nice back, his f'd up mentality labels it as her liking him instead of her working him over for a tip.

[meerkat stew]

It is not at all clear what your BF did based on the facts in the OP. In fact, it looks like you are attempting to build a case against him with some truly scanty evidence of wrongdoing on his part.

 

1. He talked about some girl in an affectionate matter before you were a couple. The girl turns out to be a friend of your daughter's. He mentioned her in passing again recently.

 

2. She told your daughter she thinks he is creepy (recently?)

 

3. He reacted by calling her a snob.

 

Is that about the size of it? More detail please that doesn't include -your- preexisting attitudes, merely what transpired. As it stands, without more detail, the whole thing is a complete triviality and non-issue.

 

Please consider the other side of this coin. I hardly ever speak to young women in public due to this very reason (46 y.o.). I live in and come from relatively small towns where the last thing I would want is to be called a "creeper" by some girl merely because I spoke to her like any other human being or even had the temerity to flirt with her. Women of that age aren't known for their objectivity or factual reliability where interactions with the opposite sex are concerned as you yourself acknowledge, so I just exclude them as normal members of the community. Other than inevitable business interactions in stores and such, they are completely off limits for any kind of social interaction.

 

There are legions of men out there just like me in this respect.

 

If I were dating someone and mentioned a 20 something girl with whom I was acquainted through friends or family, would anything I ever say about her build up some lechery case? Apparently so.

 

However, these young women in their 20s hit on me and flirt with me all the time. Moreso than women my own age, who I never see out and about. They volunteer their phone numbers, hang around and give all sorts of buying signals that they are in fact available to me sexually, and believe me, I know the difference.

 

Why is it OK for 20 something women to hit on and flirt with men of any age to their heart's content, but if men reciprocate ever, and a woman just isn't interested or whatever, people like you are waiting in the wings to brand us as "egomaniacs" or creepers in addition to the rejection the men suffer? Why the hell is that? What ever happened to live and let live? These are, after all, adults way past the age of consent who are in all likelihood sleeping with some man of some age.

 

What this type of scenario is usually about is jealousy of an older woman of the fact that an older man can still attract younger women, yet she would have trouble attracting a younger man. Not saying that's the case here, because more detail is needed, but have seen this type of thread here before and don't like lots of your implications at all.

Edited September 10, 2010 by meerkat stew

[robdrm32]

How well do you know your daughter's friend?

 

You have known this man for 8 years.

 

The interactions they have had, you weren't around for and frankly you can't say without a doubt who is telling the truth.

 

Fact is you don't know what transpired and unless you are going to talk to him or her, or both, you are in the dark.

 

Women and men alike will "tease" someone they have no interest in just for the sake of an ego boost.

 

Some men and women go for much younger people.

 

You have decide who is who.

[lovelylove]

Thanks for your replies. I realize I don't know much from the whole situation, and that's why I posted, because the fact that it bothers me is confusing even me.

 

Yes meerkat I realize what you said is true, but this post was not meant to be personal or directed at you or all men.

 

When my boyfriend referred to her in the past, it was as "my friend", and he had mentioned "the girls at xyz restaurant are so cute", and "she likes me", with a smug kind of smile.

 

When I found out this girl is a friend of my daughter's, I told my daughter that my boyfriend knows her, he eats at xyz all the time, she mentioned it to her friend who just made the comment "oh, he's creepy!". I'm not trying to read anything into it except that: he thought she was into him, and in fact she thinks he's creepy. Usually (my daughter is a waitress too, at another place) her and her friends mean creepy to be an older guy hitting on them. Sorry meerkat but none of my daughter's friends think any guy over 25 or 30 is a potential mate, and think girls who do must have "issues" or be golddiggers. But they are successful and driven attractive young women who are students and workers with high self-esteem...

 

Is this a big deal to me? No, I base my judgement on my observations, and my boyfriend has never appeared to be or acted like a "dog", in fact he's very respectful of women in general. It's just that the whole situation bothers me somehow. Maybe because it's my daughter's friend, if you know what I mean, it kind of increases the ewwww effect.

 

I guess I'm guilty of the ego/delusion thing too, I had a lifeguard approach me last month and sit down on the beach to chat for a long time... I of course thought he must have found me attractive, lol.

 

Again, thanks for your responses, and meerkat I'm sorry if I offended you.

[Feelin Frisky]

Geez, men are so delusional. Maybe I should kill myself now to prevent any possible annoying uncertainty in anyone. *cough* serenity now *cough*

 

To OP, if you really think he's got a serious delusion and/or obsession with this young lady, I don't think it's unfair of you to pry a little more. It's your life and you have to look out for you.

[meerkat stew]

Again, thanks for your responses, and meerkat I'm sorry if I offended you.

 

I'm a bit past being offended by posts here or anywhere on the net for that matter. The reason I brought up my own experience is to illustrate a double standard in play that you seem to be willing to perpetuate. You display a preconceived notion about men and younger women, which colors your opinion of your BF, a man you have known for years, versus a young girl who calls him "creepy," whom you don't even know personally. You are worried enough about it to post here, despite giving us no other facts that he regularly approaches either young women generally, or this woman in particular.

 

Tonight I went to a restaurant I go to once a week, one of the waitresses there is exactly 20 years younger than me, and a very attractive young woman. This woman has asked for my phone number on several occasions, despite the fact that she is almost never -my- waitress. She always puts her hands all over me and talks about "calling me" as if she really wants me to call her. I have reciprocated very little attention, but if I did, would surely be branded a creeper by the other men who work there, as she is obviously an object of attention for all of them. Who knows how the women around whom I know in the community would brand me, perhaps an egomaniac who thinks I can still get young women despite my state of advanced decrepitude? Whereas I'm not offended, per se, I do resent the double standard at play in this thread.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Thanks for your replies. I realize I don't know much from the whole situation, and that's why I posted, because the fact that it bothers me is confusing even me.

 

Anything else this guy does that seems creepy or worrisome to you?

 

Does he look old? Is he in good shape?

[rlindzie]

i am a young woman and when a much older man is hitting on me it is kind of creepy the thought of how young is too young for him runs through my mind as well. I think that it is evern wierder that [if i got this correct] he knows she is your daughter's friend! idk it smells a bit fishy to me, but you are a mother and have a more keen woman's intuition than i do and if your gut is telling you something is not right here than i say go with it. Your gut instinct is never wrong.

[lovelylove]

No, he's not creepy to me, that's the thing...

And no he had no idea I knew her, I didn't figure it out until much later, when my daughter told me she worked at that restaurant, I then asked him, if the girl was the one he had said he was "friends" with.

He is in great shape and looks about 35-40. I'd have to say he and I are both good looking, or so we've been told, and both attract a lot of attention from the opposite sex.

I'm starting to think he was flirting, she politely flirted back, he got it into his head that she had a thing for him, but she just thinks he's a typical "creepy" older guy for flirting. Probably happens a lot, lol.

Meerkat, double standard I don't see, I would think he would think it was strange if I was hitting on his son's friend and his son said I was creepy... he would feel the same as I do.

Thanks Y'all

[meerkat stew]

Sounds like you have a good thing going together, put this out of your mind unless it manifests further.