pandagirl Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 My recent breakup has really made me think about relationships. As I get older, and hear more and more about my friends relationships and marriages, it makes me realize that love is complicated. Or is it simple? Some people believe that if you love someone, you make it work no matter what. I used to believe that when I was younger, but perhaps not anymore. There's a difference between sharing your life together, and building a life together. I know a lot of people in long-term relationships who are happy, but most of them also harbor feelings for at least one person in their past. There are tons of people in relationships who are just with someone to be with someone. I know people who breakup with someone for another person, only to realize they terribly miss them and made a mistake. Though my boyfriend broke up with me, it actually made me realize he's really not the kind of person I want to be with in the long-term, though I still love him and wish he could be here. So how does a successful relationship happen?
bayouboi Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 So how does a successful relationship happen? Man with sculpted physique, nice face, big wang & big wallet. Woman with pretty face, rockin' body, good personality. Neither changes ever.
denise_xo Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 I think we expect too much (or the wrong things) from love, and that we're also too conditioned into equating love with a LTR or with possession and exclusivity. Marriage and LTRs are institutional choices that we make, it's a socially constructed way of organising our lives. I increasingly try to see love as a gift that I cherish in the moment, as I am either receiving or giving it. I am not religious, but I like the definition of 'sacred' that goes something along the lines of 'the sacred is in the space between two people, and it's fragile like a baby'. That, to me, is love. Its fragility means that it has to be handled very gently, and that it may ebb and flow and take different shapes at different points in time, or it may be crushed all together. All in all, I consider that a different animal from the project of spending a life time together (although most of us attempt to merge the two).
carhill Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 So how does a successful relationship happen? For myself, the three C's, outlined by our MC: Compatibility Communication Compromise Lastly, and not a C, but an A, acceptance; acceptance of the reality of those three C's, and not playing the 'what if' game. IMO, love and a successful relationship are very different dynamics. Each of us will define the interrelationship of those dynamics in our own unique way. Sometimes, our 'way' will collide positively with another's 'way'. Enjoy that
quankanne Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 So how does a successful relationship happen? relationships are very much a living, breathing thing, which we often tend to forget and then get it in our heads that they're supposed to fit into some niche we've carved for them. So to be successful, you work very, very hard to maintain it and to respect the fact that it's a living entity. and you realize that it's entirely possible to love someone, but not like them when they've done something to agitate you. But what saves you is knowing that the love is the bedrock/foundation of your relationship, and that's what carries you through the rough patches as they crop up. there's a sonnet by Shakespeare that puts it best: Sonnet 116
Author pandagirl Posted September 9, 2010 Author Posted September 9, 2010 For myself, the three C's, outlined by our MC: Compatibility Communication Compromise Lastly, and not a C, but an A, acceptance; acceptance of the reality of those three C's, and not playing the 'what if' game. IMO, love and a successful relationship are very different dynamics. Each of us will define the interrelationship of those dynamics in our own unique way. Sometimes, our 'way' will collide positively with another's 'way'. Enjoy that Hmm. In my recent relationship, our biggest strength was our compatibility, in the sense that it was easy to be together day-to-day, laughing, having fun, understanding each other easily, having our own language. Where everything went wrong is he is not a good compromiser (at least in this stage of his life). He wants things to fit nicely into what he wants/needs. He's a horrible communicator -- he will listen, but not have anything to say back or ever want to express his feelings. So it seems we were good for a run at a relationship, but not for the long haul. Actually, I joked to him that we would be a good second marriage for each other. Like, when we're 55, the kids are already raised, and we can just on vacation together. haha.
carhill Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 Being able to clearly see and accept the reality of the relationship (sorry, I didn't know you and he had broke up) and learn lessons about yourself from it goes a long way towards having (selecting and accepting) healthy future relationships, IMO. When one reflects upon what they have learned, accepts their own responsibility and sees their own unique path, one *can* see clearly in their mind the facets of a successful relationship *for themselves* and choose whether to accept or reject potentials based on that vision. See potentials with 'new eyes', so to speak.
Recommended Posts