incognito2 Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 it's been a while. none of you know me, i'm too private to make friends, too private to keep only one id on here. this is my oldest one, thought i'd bring it back from the dead. my 7 year anniversary was a couple days ago. WTF. i was 16 when we started going out. i have not been with anyone else. ever. can someone please shoot me? we don't have a sex life. i have a healthy sex life with myself. he wants a sex life with me, but i don't want anything to do with him. everyone else on the other hand...sure, i'd hit that. i've never cared enough to consider cheating. now i can see the reasons to. my "crushes" are getting stronger. i've made friends. people like me. i get that now. i have no idea how to proceed. we've talked many times about how we would leave each other and the only conclusion we've come to is one of us finding someone else before we call it quits. he did it once, and then we got back together. there is nothing normal about this relationship. it would take me months to tell you what is wrong with it. i don't know what i'm looking for here. i need something exciting.
L3stat Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 Sounds like you lost intrest, but you dont want to "break up" unless you have a firm grip on another branch. you been with this person your whole life, you probably do love him, but not in love with him. its olny a matter of time before your crush over-powers you or someone finds a new branch.
Rashad Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 it's been a while. none of you know me, i'm too private to make friends, too private to keep only one id on here. this is my oldest one, thought i'd bring it back from the dead. my 7 year anniversary was a couple days ago. WTF. i was 16 when we started going out. i have not been with anyone else. ever. can someone please shoot me? we don't have a sex life. i have a healthy sex life with myself. he wants a sex life with me, but i don't want anything to do with him. everyone else on the other hand...sure, i'd hit that. i've never cared enough to consider cheating. now i can see the reasons to. my "crushes" are getting stronger. i've made friends. people like me. i get that now. i have no idea how to proceed. we've talked many times about how we would leave each other and the only conclusion we've come to is one of us finding someone else before we call it quits. he did it once, and then we got back together. there is nothing normal about this relationship. it would take me months to tell you what is wrong with it. i don't know what i'm looking for here. i need something exciting. you need to work on THAT!
Woggle Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 Just break up with him and move on. You don't love him anymore so set him free and do the both of you a favor.
Author incognito2 Posted September 8, 2010 Author Posted September 8, 2010 I wish it were that easy. He is so dependent on me. He has no support system, and I know I shouldn't worry about it because it'll be better in the long run, but how can I not. I know break ups are never easy, but this situation may be even worse. The codependence is just horrifying here. We also live together. So that makes it harder. I'm like his only friend.
gaius Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 He deserves a woman that actually wants to have sex with him. Seems like you know what you have to do but just can't bring yourself to do it. Having an affair might actually be helpful in this case, anything to start weaning yourself off this unhealthy relationship.
dispatch3d Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 I wish it were that easy. He is so dependent on me. He has no support system, and I know I shouldn't worry about it because it'll be better in the long run, but how can I not. I know break ups are never easy, but this situation may be even worse. The codependence is just horrifying here. We also live together. So that makes it harder. I'm like his only friend. he can't be independant if you continue to allow him to be dependent. As in right now is life works (SORT OF) because you take care of everything. If you're gone, he's just going to have to figure out how to do **** on his own. I also think I remember reading about a good "get rid of codependence" book somewhere. But I forgot to write it down :/. Annoying!
Rorschach Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 I had an extremely dependant girlfriend that eventually I just had to kick to the curb. You can never learn to depend on yourself as long as there are people to depend on.
kiss_andmakeup Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 (edited) I wish it were that easy. He is so dependent on me. He has no support system, and I know I shouldn't worry about it because it'll be better in the long run, but how can I not. I know break ups are never easy, but this situation may be even worse. The codependence is just horrifying here. We also live together. So that makes it harder. I'm like his only friend. I had to respond to this because I've been in the exact same situation. I was with my ex for three years. We lived together, went to school together, at one point we even worked together. During our relationship I created and maintained friendships, but he didn't. He hung out with my friends with me sometimes, but they weren't his friends. Similarly, while I had a great relationship with my family (which he vicariously adopted as his family), his actual family was rather dysfunctional and distant. I'd say by year 2, it was becoming clear that I was pretty much all he had. It was also around that time that I was realizing that I no longer felt the same way about him as I once had. I was very young when we got together (we were 17 & 18) and I think it is natural to change a lot from your teens into your twenties. Our sex life had almost completely dissolved, and while he was still sexually interested in me, I would frequently turn him down simply for lack of attraction to him (though I would say it was because I was too tired, not feeling well, too stressed, etc). I realized that I had lost that romantic attraction to him. I also started to realize that, although I was extremely comfortable with him due to being together for a while, I found our general personalities incompatible. We had different senses of humour, different social tendencies. So this combined with the fact that I no longer felt physically attracted to him created some serious problems. I started developing crushes and lusting after guys at school like you describe. Especially being a very sexual person, it was hard for me to be in such a spark-less relationship. Eventually I began to fear the worst: that if I were to break up with him, he would kill himself. I truly believed this was a possibility and decided I would just stick it out, because I cared about him too much to let that happen. Then the bombshell was a marriage proposal. Ring and all. It all came out then: I couldn't do it, I couldn't marry him, I didn't feel like I was in love with him anymore, I felt like we were too different, I wanted to see other people and experience new things, I'm only 20 years old and I feel trapped, I need to get out, I'm sorry, it's over, blah blah blah. And you know what? It was the break-up from HELL. He DID attempt suicide, he called my family and friends and threatened them and told them what a horrible person I was (luckily I have wonderful family and friends who had the common sense to hang up the phone). For weeks he held all my possessions hostage in our apartment. He wouldn't leave the apartment to go to work or to class, because he wanted to be there when I came to pick up my stuff. So we could "talk." Honestly, I was frightened to death of him. When I finally did go to get my things I went with my dad and sister. He had thrown away many of my valuables. It was the most stressful month of my entire life. HOWEVER. Can you see now, how glad I am, that I finally got up the courage to break up with him? When someone is that dependent on you, it is a bad situation. You CANNOT live your life, especially being so young (I think you're my age...23?), just to protect someone else. You can't just live in fear, sadness, and loneliness because you're worried about what might happen. And trust me, if you cheat on him, it will only make things a hundred times worse. You could develop feelings for someone you cheat with. Who knows? From that day on I vowed to never stay with someone whose entire social, family, and general life revolved solely around me. It's too much pressure for any one person to handle. It's not healthy, for you or for him. Please do the right thing. I know it's hard to find the courage but you seem to know that it's what you really need to do. Feel free to PM me if you need to talk. Edited September 8, 2010 by kiss_andmakeup
quankanne Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 quitting time is never an easy thing, but for BOTH of y'alls mental health, it's something that needs to be done as soon as possible. You're very kind-hearted to worry about him, and rightly so ... he's someone special you've had in your life a long, long time. However, you're not doing him any favors by keeping him as a sympathy boyfriend, and you're definitely not doing either of you any favors by refusing to break-up with him because you don't want to hurt him. but the longer you "shelter" and protect him by refusing to break up, the harder it's going to be for him to move on. You're keeping him in a defenseless position, so to speak, by staying with him even though you'd rather not. It's going to hurt, because break-ups are never painless, but he needs this as much as you do, so that he can grow a backbone and stand up on his own.
dispatch3d Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 fwiw kiss I've seen the latter happen as well. Girl cheats on boyfriend and wants to start a new relationship with that other guy. Guy doesn't go for the relationship (kinda obvious reasons here) so she continues to be in a relationship she shouldn't be in looking for any other way to get out. You will be way better off getting out now. Another friend and his girlfriend of mine brokeup JUST before he was buying a ring to marry her. Not a very good time to be ending relationships.
kiss_andmakeup Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 fwiw kiss I've seen the latter happen as well. Girl cheats on boyfriend and wants to start a new relationship with that other guy. Guy doesn't go for the relationship (kinda obvious reasons here) so she continues to be in a relationship she shouldn't be in looking for any other way to get out.. Well, that particular instance didn't actually happen to me, I was just giving her reasons not to cheat.
Hop_prophet Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 I wish it were that easy. He is so dependent on me. He has no support system, and I know I shouldn't worry about it because it'll be better in the long run, but how can I not. I know break ups are never easy, but this situation may be even worse. The codependence is just horrifying here. We also live together. So that makes it harder. I'm like his only friend. No it's not easy, but just break up with him. You know that's what needs to be done. Do you really want to crush him by cheating on him? How will that make things any better? It will only make them much worse and you will regret it. What you have right now doesn't even sound like a realtionship. You both should demand better and you clearly aren't right for each other. The only way he will get over his codependence is if you help him
pistachioboy Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 Alright, it's easy enough for us to say "break up with him." That's IOTETMCO (look it up). You have figured out, I think, that staying with him is not an option. You simply can't live in fear of how he might fall apart after you leave. You know as well as we do that you're not going to do that for the next 50 years of your life. So, what you need is a STRATEGY. Here's what I think you need to do: 1. Start looking for a place to move in by yourself. I don't know where you live, but I think finding some kind of houseshare with roommates would be ideal. You're going to want some company. Hopefully you find a place to move in that will give you a month or so - because you'll need that time. 2. Once you've found a place, tell him what you're doing and inform him that you'll be sleeping on the couch for the remainder of your time at your place together. Let him know that the month you have left will be a transitional period between being together and being broken up. Neither of you should see other people during this time. 3. Let him know that when you leave, it's OVER. There will be no blurring of the lines between friendship and relationship after this point. Ideally, you won't even talk to him for at least six months... but that part might come later. 4. Let him sink or swim on his own. It's not your fault he's dependent on you, but clearly part of the reason he is is because he CAN be. When he's forced to be on his own, you might be surprised at how well he does (eventually.) Obviously, the biggest part of this is moving out. That needs to happen as soon as possible, as hard as that may be.
naya1 Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 what if u just try to have sex with him. role play or something. to rekindle the fire so to speak :love:
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