Long Distance Love Fantasy versus my Real Life...

[aerogurl87]

Funny, she says that to me quite a bit.

 

I dunno, part of me feels like if I do actually meet her in person....that things would be different, and maybe for the worse...and in a strange way might compromise the feelings (safety) we feel as long-distance lovers/friends. Like, maybe the comfort level would be different.

 

Thanks for your helpful posts, unlike the generic "you don't know what love is" posts from the love expert up there.

 

Just as I suspected and I wouldn't laugh at LittleTiger too much, she's a 30 hour flight from her SO if I'm not mistaken so she's quite familiar with what it takes to have a successful LDR and be a real trooper. You on the other hand, well I hate to say it but I still think you're someone who is addicted to the idea of "love" and you honestly don't know what real love is. You want that butterflies in your stomach, lustful, blossoming love complete with rose coloured glasses, that is still new and somewhat mysterious. It explains why you've yet to go meet this girl in person. I mean really, if you really loved her like you claimed, you would've already met her in person. Let's just be realistic here, shall we.

 

It's been 6 years since you two have known each other, that's a little over half a decade, and you've yet to meet the woman you claim to "love"? I think you're in love with the idea of love and the ideal of her, not the real her because you haven't met the real her yet. So you fill up the gaps with what you think she's like in person, making her more and more into your idealistic woman whom you can talk to when you want that love high in your life. In your eyes she's closest thing to perfection because in your mind, you've made her that way. Which is easy to do when you're far away. You're just afraid when you two meet she won't be what you built her up to be and then reality will set in, she'll become like all the other women you were with before (boring, and too familiar), and then you'll go out and look for your next high again.

[LittleTiger]

I wouldn't laugh at LittleTiger too much, she's a 30 hour flight from her SO if I'm not mistaken so she's quite familiar with what it takes to have a successful LDR and be a real trooper.

 

Thanks aerogurl .

 

Yes, you're right, it's 30 hours - and my SO regularly does several weeks worth of overtime so he can afford the flights. That's what I call love.

 

(I would do the same but there's no such thing as 'overtime' when you run your own business - c'est la vie!).

 

Ditto everything else you said.

[hoping2heal]

Hey, this is my first post since I found this place and figured it would be as good a place as any, to get some random strangers' advice.

 

I'll try to keep it brief as possible.

 

I am a 38 year old recently divorced guy, now dating again and have been in and out of relationships since i was 18.

Married (and divorced) twice, have 3 boys, and have had a great sex life.

 

I'm a realist and a cynic when it comes to love...I don't believe in fate, karma, meant-to-be-isms, and love at first sight.

Sorry.

 

Most of my relationships have started off like a firecracker, hot and heavy, then burn out around the 2 year mark.

 

The only relationship longer than that was my last marriage, which lasted 6 years, and I'm pretty sure that was because I forced it to because of my kids.

 

Anyway...about half way through that 6 year marriage, I met a girl (I'll call her 'Georgia') online through an automobile community I was active in, and we instantly hit it off as friends.

 

Yeah, there was a little flirtatious talk back and forth, but she knew I was married and I knew she lived far away...so nothing but friendship and an occasional innuendo kept us going. I tried to respect my marriage and she did too.

That was 6 years ago.

 

Since then, Georgia and I have talked on the phone every day (at least once, sometimes twice or several times) for the last 6 years, and for hours at a time.

I would find myself having the GREATEST conversations with her...never an awkward silence, never an argument, always stimulating and interesting...I mean...we just GOT each other.

I have NEVER had this kind of rapport with a girlfriend or wife before.

It was great.

I figured she HAD to be hideous or retarded to have such a great personality.

 

We exchanged pictures, and she was a really cute redhead...short, big boobs, successful, funny, and cute as a button.

 

After the divorce, things got a little more serious and we talked about meeting....but real life kept getting in the way; kids, jobs, money, etc...

 

The whole long distance relationship is something I always thought was ridiculous. After all, there is a physical aspect that needs to be present for a relationship to succeed. That had always been my feelings...and still is.

 

Anyway, about two years ago, we finally got to the point where we confessed our love for each other.

I truly do love this girl, and I don't take the L-bomb lightly.

 

Trouble is, I need physical contact to have a relationship. Admittedly, so does she.

 

We have discussed moving/visiting, but I can't leave because of my kids, and she won't leave Georgia because of her family and job...and money is so friggin tight right now, neither one of us can get away.

 

So this past month we came to a stalemate and I started seeing someone.

This broke her heart.

 

she is really acting like a hurt, jealous girlfriend, and I hate that I'm hurting her, but I explained to her that I need someone that is physically here for me.

 

I told her no matter who I see or date, that I will love her regardless.

 

doesnt seem to help.

 

WTF am I supposed to do?

I do NOT want to lose her friendship, but I dont think she wants to be just friends.

 

Thanks for sticking it out if you read all this.

 

CLIFF NOTES: for those of you like me that dont like to read all that crap, here ya go:

 

1) currently dating a girl I like a lot but know will never become anything serious.

2) this is pissing off the woman I love that lives hundreds of miles away that I can probably never have.

 

I understand you feel the need for a physical presence to be satisfied. However, you are both in denial apparently. You can't just go out and date, and have sex with other women and tell this girl "But don't worry I still love you." You couldn't do that and have it be believable in a close proximity relationship, it is especially not going to fly in a long distance one. I understand there are feelings of attatchment towards her, but I'm not sure how it is you feel you love this woman if you need someone else.

 

Your personal beliefs is you need to have someone physically there, OK. I've seen and know from personal experience; happy couples who have to endure distance for a time sometimes months, in other cases years. They don't go off seeing other people as a way to eek through that time period.

 

I am surprised this girl is even speaking to you anymore. I don't mean that because I think you're a "bad person" or a "bad guy". I'm just surprised she would even put herself in the line of fire to be hurt any more than she already has been.

 

Feelings and attatchment, and a true love for another person are two seperate things that often people confuse for being one in the same. They are not. If you trully loved that girl you couldn't even BRING yourself to do something that would cause her so much pain, I mean you simply and plainly could not do it..because knowing you hurt her like that would be so devestating.

 

Again, back to the denial. If you can't go to be near her even just to meet because of your circumstances, and vice versa, I'm not sure what either of you are doing at this point other than being some type of crutch for one another.