yah Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 Let's say you were in this scenario: You & SO have dated ~3yrs, while they were finishing up grad school (PhD). Towards the end, SO gets job offers from the same city, as well as offers from out of state and even overseas. SO has always expressed from Day 1 a desire to live in the overseas country if they were still single. Or, they will take a job out of state just for the experience of being elsewhere, if they were still single. It is actually SO's desire to stay to make permanent plans for the relationship but you have not yet made a move. Let's say long distance relationship indefinitely is out of the question. You are also unwilling to move away from your friends and family. OK, so 3yrs is up. WWYD? Some ideas- 1. Let them go and try to continue the relationship long distance, making plans for the relationship to move to marriage after a trial period. (How tho? One of you would have to give up your current job!) 2. Make a move (propose) and plan for an extended engagement. (Let's say you see yourself with this person for the rest of your life.) 3. Move with them but only if its not tooo far from friends and family. 4. End it. This situation is not true (yet?) but I'm just wondering what others would do. If you have other ideas not listed, I'd be very interested in hearing those as well.
brainygirl Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 Two thoughts, one being don't move for anyone who hasn't put a ring on your finger. and two being, you have to cut the umbelical cord sometime . . . good luck.
Star Gazer Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 Been there before, kinda. It would depend on what MY plans were, and how they fit in with my SO's. While my SO may have had this life long dream, what about my dream? Can both of those dreams exist and work together? Can I do what I do for a living outside the country/state/area, where he wants to go? If so, I'd probably go with him... if there was a ring on my finger or it was damn close to being there.
robdrm32 Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 Coming from a totally rational, emotion-free state of mind, I'd say I would seek to make the relationship a priority and do what it takes to stay together. You/they have to decide what is more important, a job or your relationship.
Author yah Posted September 7, 2010 Author Posted September 7, 2010 I'm the gf, SO is the bf. I'm the one that will be graduating and have/had aspirations of moving overseas. I have no real ties to this place; its not my home, its his though. BF wont be ready for marriage when I graduate. Most likely not. I guess I'm just wondering what other options there are that we're/I'm not thinking of. He could be gainfully employed in most large metro areas but I don't want him to give up a lot for my career but neither do I want to give up too much if there is no 'ring on my finger,' so to speak. I would feel differently if we were engaged/married but I don't want to push the marriage issue right now. I'm just brainstorming. If you have any other ideas, plz share.
brainygirl Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 I'm a pragmatist. follow the career and invite him along. But read up on my posts and you see I have my own issues, so maybe you shouldn't listen to me.
Star Gazer Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 BF wont be ready for marriage when I graduate. Most likely not. I guess I'm just wondering what other options there are that we're/I'm not thinking of. Are you in a rush to leave town? Why not wait a bit, and then go together?
Author yah Posted September 7, 2010 Author Posted September 7, 2010 Are you in a rush to leave town? Why not wait a bit, and then go together? Hm, I'm actually SOO excited just thinking about starting my career I have not even thought about that idea!! I've just begun to think about my career plans and how it'd effect my relationship. You are totally right, I could work here for a bit and give my bf some more time. I'll be 26 when I get my PhD. Gosh, I can't wait to finish.
Lakeside_runner Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 Been there... done that... didn't work out. Hope you'll have better luck. The problem with grad school is - you finish and you don't know where you will land your job. If both parties are willing to relocate - GREAT! If at least one restrict themselves to a specific geographic location - it's hopeless... (been there TWICE!).
Cee Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 Girl, dream big. Travel the world if you can. Love will follow you, if it's right. Here are some examples: My cousin married a world renowned ant expert. Seriously, he's been on Conan and the Daily Show as the bug guy. He is always traveling to far off parts of the world studying ants in caves and rain forests. They had a destination wedding in Papua New Guinea wearing animal skins. She was just a regular New York gal who had a corporate job. But she fell in love and loves her new life of adventure and travel. And she started a life coach business to satisfy her need for a career. Before my friend moved to Cambodia for 3 years, he wooed a woman in his old hometown. They maintained an LTR that involved lots of travel and adventure. She used to visit him and they'd go to all sorts of places including Thailand, Italy, and Turkey. He moved back to the States and they stayed together another 5 years. They finally broke up, but not because of his love of travel. If you want to live overseas, just do it. You are too young to tie yourself down for a relationship. A Ph.D.'s life is one of learning and enlarging yourself. The right person will come along at the right time.
Eeyore79 Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 A long distance relationship would be tough when you've been together for so long, and for it to work one of you would eventually have to move anyway, so why not just move now? The only real options are a) you stay, b) he moves with you, or c) you break up. You're more than old enough to get married at 26. You've been dating this guy for three years and he still hasn't put a ring on your finger? If I were you, I'd seriously be thinking about taking the job you want and letting him decide what to do about it - you can't waste your life and career hanging around waiting for him to propose, because if he doesn't want to make a commitment after three years he likely never will. If I were your SO, I'd have to think very hard about whether I wanted to be with you. If I did, then it would be reasonable to make the sacrifice of moving with you, or asking you to make the sacrifice of staying. If I didn't love you, not only is it stupid of me to move with you, it's also selfish of me to expect you to stay for a relationship that's going nowhere. Bottom line: neither of you should be making a sacrifice unless marriage and commitment is on the cards.
Author yah Posted September 8, 2010 Author Posted September 8, 2010 Thanks for all the advice. The scenario is a hypothetical one. My advisor told me I will graduate in 2 yrs so it just got me thinking. I'm not going to do anything about it right now because who knows what may happen. Just thinking ahead. I'm pretty sure I could land a job in this state, out of state and in Asia. So I'll have my options.
Eeyore79 Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 So you've only been dating the guy for a year, and it'll be 3yrs by the time you graduate? I'd say if he hasn't proposed by that point, you're obviously wasting your time, so either way it won't be an issue because you'll either be engaged or broken up.
alphamale Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 26? why in such a rush to get married? indeed, you've got your whole life to be miserable. stay single and have fun for a while
Crazy Magnet Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 because she WANTS to get married. Just because you guys don't want to doesn't mean she has to want that. I would move for a tenure track position in a heart beat. I included that in my very first email to my SO. I told him that as soon as the PhD was in hand I was going where ever tenure-track was offered. He's 100% on board with that and was from the beginning. Relationships may come and go. Careers (at the PhD level anyway) tend to stick with you for life. Think hard about what you have worked for and what your goals are and what will bring satisfaction to you life's work.
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