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...5 years and still thinking about him

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Whew, ok...this is my first post here on LS but I've lurked for a while. Basically, sophmore year in highschool, I was in a long distance relationship with someone for about 2 years. He was my first love, lost my virginity to him, everything. He was 2 years older than me.


Eventually, I started getting attracted to boys in my school, who I saw etc. I cheated on him. He found out, I dumped the other guy, fast forward 2 months later, and a new guy shows up at my school. He's shy, sweet, and into the same hobbies as me.


I date this guy for about 2 weeks and finally end it with my First love. I was so enamored by the new guy that my first love really didn't take much of my thoughts, but I know during this time he was HORRIBLY affected it, and continued to be really affected by me for at least another year, then we pretty much went NC.


Point is, I'm still with that guy. From 5 years ago. We're engaged, getting married, real highschool sweethearts. I love him and he's always been good to me. However, I'm starting to wonder what the heck is wrong with me, because out of no where, a year ago I went crazy trying to get in contact with my first love. He really went out of his way to "disappear" from me. I did eventually talk to him, and he had his life started over and all this stuff, and he seemed eager to talk to me, but his girlfriend became irrate and forbid him to speak to me. He told me he still thought about me every day and he wanted to see me someday, before his girlfriend made him write me an e-mail that he wouldn't be speaking to me again.


Well here I am, another year later, 5 years total, and i'm STILL thinking about him? It seems like I've been obsessed again these past few days and it's really not fair to my man, or my ex. I know I bring up serious emotions for him and cause him pain, but I just can't help it. I want to know what he's been up to, how he's doing, etc...Is this curiosity normal? Am I being irrational and intrusive? I wish I could just erase him, but even after all this time, I think I'm hurting because I never got closure with him. I just discarded him and never mourned his loss and the impact he had on some of the most integral years of my development.


It's really starting to drive me mad...*sigh* I just...don't know what to do. I'm busy, focused on other things, but he slips in and...I don't even know what I'm asking. I guess... Is it always going to be like this? I mean 5 years already...and it's not like I even talk to the guy more than once every year or two in an e-mail!! Not even on the phone. Ahh! Help!

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