Girlfriend's Intimacy Issues

[theblues]

I have been with my girlfriend over two years. When we first started dating, we weren't having sex. She was still a virgin at the time, though I was not. Because her mother got pregnant at a very young age, my girlfriend assumes that having sex is pretty much guaranteed to get her pregnant. She eventually lost her virginity to me and we have had sex several times since. However, the instances have been few and far between.

 

My girlfriend also seems to have issues with intimacy and sexuality as well. She's pretty adamantly against PDA, which includes kissing or intimate touching in pretty much any public setting. When we engage in sexual activity in private, we can never do so with the lights on. She is pretty averse to engaging in any kind of foreplay. When I try to engage in foreplay with her, she gets uncomfortable and insists that I "finish her off" without any ceremony.

 

This is a big change for me. The sexual aspect of my last relationship was totally different. My girlfriend at the time and I were very open to exploring each other sexually. We became very comfortable with each other's bodies and weren't ashamed to show them to each other. We always engaged in very seductive, highly charged foreplay. That, and we had sex at almost every opportunity we could. I felt lusted after and sexually powerful.

 

I'm frustrated. I feel like I'm just meant to fulfill a need for orgasm without any seduction or intimacy. I don't want this to ruin our relationship because she's a wonderful, beautiful woman and we have a healthy emotional connection. However, the state of sexual affairs is stifling.

 

How can I coax it out of her without forcing it on her? It seems like every time I try to gently nudge into a new or at least more erotic direction, she shies away and leaves me feeling even more frustrated.

 

Thanks for your advice.

[Mike B.]

I think you need to explore more about why she is this way rather than trying to get the sex heated up at this point. As I read your post, I wondered if she has had a bad experience sexually in the past. I would avoid being too pushy for now until you have explored that. Also consider something you could be doing to make her hesitate.

[that girl]

How did the first time you had sex come about? Did she change her mind or did you just convince her to let you have sex with her?

 

What do you mean by "finish her off"? Bring her to orgasm?

[meerkat stew]

She sounds rather narrow-minded and selfish based on your OP, not so wonderful. If she is having intense orgasms with you, and still not opening up more sexually, some piece of the equation is missing, and you may not be able to provide that piece.

 

There's even a good chance she will be the type who will become rapidly disinterested in sex immediately after having children or marriage, as applicable. Up to you as to whether this is how you want to spend the rest of your life.

[theblues]

How did the first time you had sex come about? Did she change her mind or did you just convince her to let you have sex with her?

 

What do you mean by "finish her off"? Bring her to orgasm?

The first time we had sex came after a lot of discussion over the course of several months. It required a lot of assurances from me that I wouldn't let her get pregnant, but it was ultimately her decision as well as mine. I did everything I possibly could to make it feel like a safe, relaxing, and romantic environment so she wouldn't feel at all used or forced (i.e. candles and rose petals in the bedroom, being very gentle and responsive to her, etc.). Ever since, I have never pressed the issue. I will only have sex with her if she expresses an interest. Deference to a fault, perhaps.

 

By "finish her off," yes, I mean "bring her to orgasm."

[theblues]

She sounds rather narrow-minded and selfish based on your OP, not so wonderful. If she is having intense orgasms with you, and still not opening up more sexually, some piece of the equation is missing, and you may not be able to provide that piece.

 

There's even a good chance she will be the type who will become rapidly disinterested in sex immediately after having children or marriage, as applicable. Up to you as to whether this is how you want to spend the rest of your life.

Knowing her, I don't know that it's selfish so much as defensive. I think she's guarding something by withholding a certain level of intimacy. I think she may also feel somewhat intimidated by me since I'm more experienced sexually. Perhaps she's afraid of being judged by me if and when she attempts to "perform."

 

The disinterest in sex is what worries me. If after two years she still can't trust me or feel comfortable with me, I am really concerned that this is not just "a phase." However, I feel like a complete ******* for ending a relationship because the sex wasn't, as it would seem, "good enough for me." I feel like that would just exacerbate her insecurity about her sexual performance and I'm not out to traumatize anyone here.

[meerkat stew]

However, I feel like a complete ******* for ending a relationship because the sex wasn't, as it would seem, "good enough for me."

 

Wouldn't end the relationship for this issue at this time either, would most definitely not solidify it further at this time with any "next steps" though.

 

There's a very real danger that should you make a long term commitment to this woman via marriage or children you are going to find yourself trapped in a sexless relationship. There's a difference between sex that just "isn't good enough," and when it's nearly or completely nonexistent. It's not selfish to expect your partner to attempt to satisfy your reasonable sexual desires.

[Star Gazer]

I suspect there's something deeply ingrained in her psyche that sex is dangerous, sex is dirty, sex has a purpose and it's not pleasure...get my drift?

 

I don't think this is something that will change during your relationship, I'm afraid.

[that girl]

I think you need to talk to her, but you also need to let go of your expectations.

 

It isn't unreasonable for her not to want to kiss in public. Lots of people feel that way. But there could be some middle ground like hand holding.

 

The foreplay thing is strange, either you just have really different ideas about how much foreplay is good or she just wants to get things over with.

 

Meekrat is being paranoid. They're not talking about marriage. Being nervous about sex is different than being selfish about sex.

[meerkat stew]

Meekrat is being paranoid. They're not talking about marriage.

 

People who have been dating for two years might possibly entertain the prospect of moving the relationship to the next stage, engagement, marriage or even living together, none advisable while OP's GF's current attitudes about sex persist. But of course, having such concerns are an example of paranoid behavior...

[that girl]

People who have been dating for two years might possibly entertain the prospect of moving the relationship to the next stage, engagement, marriage or even living together, none advisable while OP's GF's current attitudes about sex persist.

Not if they are 19, which is the vibe I'm getting from the post.

 

having such concerns are an example of paranoid behavior...

She is sexually uptight but she is also in her first sexual relationship. I do think you are jumping the gun by calling her selfish and talking about how she'll totally stop sleeping with them if they get married.

[desertmoon]

Whatever the reason why she is how she is sexually, OP needs to:

 

1) encourage dialogue between him and GF, or encourage GF to see a therapist. If she is unwilling to do anything about it, then she is selfish and OP is better off breaking up with her. Why suffer?

 

2) accept what GF can give and not expect anything more....but certainly, be open to the idea that in time it will probably diminish.

 

OP is clearly dissatisfied with their sex life and is unhappy...if they have been dating for two years, regardless of age, it is not unreasonable to believe they are "serious". That said, OP should resolve this before moving forward.

[theblues]

It seems there was a lot of activity on the subject as I slept through the night, so let me clarify and respond to a few of these posts:

 

I suspect there's something deeply ingrained in her psyche that sex is dangerous, sex is dirty, sex has a purpose and it's not pleasure...

 

There is certainly truth to this. I attribute a big chunk of this to her mother, who got pregnant very early, perhaps even the first time she had sex. As a result, I think she has internalized that sex equals pregnancy. However, it seems nobody ever made an effort to debunk this or at least to stress that sex can be and often is very pleasurable and strengthens intimacy between committed adults.

 

It isn't unreasonable for her not to want to kiss in public. Lots of people feel that way. But there could be some middle ground like hand holding.

 

The foreplay thing is strange, either you just have really different ideas about how much foreplay is good or she just wants to get things over with.

 

We are already pretty good about hand-holding. Kissing in public, I feel, is not that big a deal, however. I think if you're in a committed relationship with someone and you have a strong urge to express your attraction to your partner, why should you have to hold back? If I had a strong urge to buy my girlfriend flowers in public to express my affection, would she reject it? I think not.

 

Regarding foreplay, I think part of it is intimidation. If I am allowed to perform for her and exhibit a certain degree of sexual prowess or experience, in her mind, that puts her on the spot. If she can't perform to what she sees as a certain level of expertise, then she'll feel inadequate. It's probably easier to just not give me the opportunity

so

she doesn't feel she has to be faced with a standard upon which to be measured.

 

Not if they are 19, which is the vibe I'

m

getting from the post.

 

I'

m

twenty-five and my girlfriend is twenty-one.

 

1) encourage dialogue between him and

GF

, or encourage

GF

to see a therapist. If she is unwilling to do anything about it, then she is selfish and

OP

is better off breaking up with her. Why suffer?

 

2) accept what

GF

can give and not expect anything more....but certainly, be open to the idea that in time it will probably diminish.

 

I think this answer is touching on my personal inclinations. Though I'

m

not relinquishing any responsibility for our shared sexual relationship, I feel like a good amount of this mindset preceded me. Because of this, I feel like opening her up to the deeper issues may be too much for me alone. However, I don't really know a delicate way to suggest that she seek professional help for this.

 

Would that not be an unreasonable reason to break up, though? I mean, we're in love. It seems such a waste. There's always porn, right?

 

I am hoping that time will improve the issue, but I really can't say. We had sex several times within a few months of our first instance. Now, it's been almost six months since the last time we did. This concerns me. It seems indicative of regression, not progression. True, I haven't stressed the issue in the interim, but I feel like that's the wrong approach anyway. It's delicate soil on which I tread, for sure.

[desertmoon]

Would that not be an unreasonable reason to break up, though? I mean, we're in love. It seems such a waste. There's always porn, right?

 

Unreasonable? No. Sex is a major component in a relationship. People cheat and put their marriages/family/career on the line for it. Sure, you are in love but love is a volatile emotion-it has a funny way of dissipating when parts of the relationship are neglected/taken for granted/ignored. Porn-is that profoundly satisfying for you? How would she feel about it? Is she okay knowing that the reason you are watching porn is because she is lacking in that department? many men watch porn just for the heck of it...you're going to watch porn because your sex life sux! Don't be a martyr. There is no price in heaven for that.

 

I am hoping that time will improve the issue, but I really can't say. We had sex several times within a few months of our first instance. Now, it's been almost six months since the last time we did. This concerns me. It seems indicative of regression, not progression. True, I haven't stressed the issue in the interim, but I feel like that's the wrong approach anyway. It's delicate soil on which I tread, for sure

 

Well, love her for what she is, not for what you hope her to become. Sure some people change, most don't. It is a disappointment waiting to happen. Your concern is absolutely understandable and it is imperative that you deal with it sooner, than later.

[theblues]

Porn-is that profoundly satisfying for you? How would she feel about it? Is she okay knowing that the reason you are watching porn is because she is lacking in that department?

 

I had intended that to be read as kind of tongue-in-cheek when I first posted it. However, now that you mention it, it's far less than profoundly satisfying. Of course it's not. I'm afraid that if I deny that I have sexual instincts altogether, though, I will lose them completely.

 

She knows I watch porn. I think that may intimidate her. I think she may feel that that too provides some kind of standard by which she will be measured. I understand the difference, but I don't know that she's experienced enough not to internalize it. She may think I am watching it because she's not providing something to me, then she won't have the confidence to provide anything, then it becomes a vicious cycle.

 

I just wonder where the line is drawn between me being deferential and attempting to assuage her fears and me stripping myself of all sexual feelings. I would be really disheartened by the latter.

[that girl]

Kissing in public, I feel, is not that big a deal, however. I think if you're in a committed relationship with someone and you have a strong urge to express your attraction to your partner, why should you have to hold back?

Not everyone likes to kiss in public.

 

You focus on how you are held back by her prudishness, but someone else wouldn't care.

 

I think that may intimidate her. I think she may feel that that too provides some kind of standard by which she will be measured.

 

I attribute a big chunk of this to her mother, who got pregnant very early, perhaps even the first time she had sex. As a result, I think she has internalized that sex equals pregnancy.

 

I see a lot of assumptions here but you don't seem to know her very well for two years of dating.

 

It sounds like you just want to break up with her and that is a valid choice.

[benmac360]

OP, sexual compatibility is not everything but its a huge part of your relationship, and I noticed there was a lot of "reassuring" on your part just to get to where you are today. From what you have posted so far, you have been very patient, respectful and have taken every precaution, so now she has to take responsibility for her anxiety and sexual inhibition if she wants your relationship to proceed.

 

You should not move forward with her until you discuss this, not only to share your concerns but also to gauge her overall interest level - if she agrees to work on this with you and on her own great - but if she blames you for her intimacy problems, gets defensive or refuses to make any changes on her part then you'll know how she really feels about you.