LRS Posted September 5, 2010 Posted September 5, 2010 I post this here assuming its the most approriate place. Dated a gal for about two months then due to family illness I really had to go to another city with full intention of returning when things are better. She knows that as I never moved. I find out the women is on a dating site already looking. We trade intimate coversations like BF/GF but had not had the chance to discuss something committed fully. Most of the time she is the one initiating and implying we are a couple. I say less about it but think of it that way. While I am away I dont hear any compassion for my situation only things like I was dressed sexy on Sat night and you missed out. I dumped her. I didnt feel now was the time to be emotionally blackmailed or to have to find out shes looking. This was the time where she could have won my heart deeply with patience yet I see her online looking elsewere when I could use her emotionally. Instead I feel deceived. Am I missing anything? Want to hear your opinion, particulary from women, despite making my decision.
that girl Posted September 5, 2010 Posted September 5, 2010 Is English your native language? You moved to another city planning on returning to her city? Or did you not move and not tell her? Two months is not that long. If neither of you discussed exclusivity, I don't think she broke your trust by online dating. You never brought up exculsivity, but expected her to assume things were committed. That is isn't logical. Emotional blackmail? You could use her emotionally? I don't even know what you're talking about.
lab_brat Posted September 5, 2010 Posted September 5, 2010 So, after only two months, you left town and expected her to moon after you? After she made overtures about implying you were a couple, which you did not respond to. I really don't like this part- -'"This was the time where she could have won my heart deeply with patience yet I see her online looking elsewere when I could use her emotionally."- You're expecting her to be doting on you, fighting for you, feeling compassion for you when you've done absolutely nothing for her? What did you do to try and win her heart? Have you been there for her emotionally like you expect her to be? Nope, you dated her for 2 months, didn't give her any indication you wanted more, then left town, then dumped her because she wasn't doing enough for you. It's a two way street mate.
Author LRS Posted September 6, 2010 Author Posted September 6, 2010 (edited) Thanks for your input. I think its implied with the msgs I get from her about love that we were exclusive or moving toward it. I had to leave suddenly so its not like left her in the dark. We spoke every day and still are in contact everyday almost and that is when I see the online ad. What prevents a commmitment now? Well Im in a dark period in my life with the serious family illness and I dont see any patience only a me first action by looking elsewhere. Turn the tables around for you women. What if a guy did this to you? Dont give me the jaded view, what do you honestly think. Would you not feel hurt? I mean to me a woman that cant stand by me now is not wife material. PS yes English is my native language. I dont see anything wrong with the grammar or spelling. Edited September 6, 2010 by LRS q
that girl Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 The reason I asked if English was your native language isn't because of your grammar or spelling. Your posts are just really unclear. You need to either talk about exclusivity or accept the fact that she is going to date other people. You can't have your cake and eat it to.
kalikula Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 To be honest at that point I may have done the same thing as her. She is trying to keep her options open so she doesn't get hurt. Since you haven't had the talk yet she can't be sure that you want to commit to her. She might have been afraid to bring it up. At a certain point if I'm dating a guy and it doesn't seem to be going anywhere I will try to keep my options open so I don't get too attached. Plus she was initiating most of your actions so she may have felt that you weren't interested in making it official/exclusive.
Sanman Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 I am a guy and in the same situation as your girl (a woman I am currently dating left for several weeks). While we still talk often and I would like to continue things when she returns, neither of us owes each other anything at this point as we are not exclusive. This does not mean I don't want it to go in that direction or that I am 'cheating' on her. It simply means that I am looking at my options and dating around. I would say your girl is in a similar position and has done nothing wrong in dating others. Especially if she doesn't know when you will return. Now, whether she is willing to invest in you and help you deal with emotional issues is another thing entirely. Is that something you need and are not getting from her? Is that a sign of a bigger issue of your needs not being met?
Author LRS Posted September 6, 2010 Author Posted September 6, 2010 I am a guy and in the same situation as your girl (a woman I am currently dating left for several weeks). While we still talk often and I would like to continue things when she returns, neither of us owes each other anything at this point as we are not exclusive. This does not mean I don't want it to go in that direction or that I am 'cheating' on her. It simply means that I am looking at my options and dating around. I would say your girl is in a similar position and has done nothing wrong in dating others. Especially if she doesn't know when you will return. Now, whether she is willing to invest in you and help you deal with emotional issues is another thing entirely. Is that something you need and are not getting from her? Is that a sign of a bigger issue of your needs not being met? To all who have responded so far, all of your input has been helpful. I wil also try to be more succint. Sanman you hit the nail on the head. I left town immediately when I found out a parent was terminally ill. We were headed toward an exclusive relationship and for all intents and actions it was already that way. She was the ony woman I dated and I was the only person she dated. Neither were we talking to others. As far as I know, she was not online searchng and I certainly wasn't with "love" messages I got from her and invitations to take it further through sex. I have to say in choosing a wife I would only want to share my life with someone who would stand by me in good times and bad. During this emergency abscence I found her on a dating site searching only less than a month after I left. In fact I learned that this started taking place as soon as I left. She may want me and of course she is free to look but I feel the timing and the situation portends to future disappointment. If she offered emotional support and patience during this period she could have really won me. Its not all about looks, sex , etc. Character of the person we choose as a mate is important. I guess I wouldnt do the same if the roles were reversed so there is incompatability. I get bad vibes about her because of what has transpired. I feel this woman just wants a BF leading to a family and that is her sole objective. Even in my situation a replacement candidate was being searched for immediately. Any more thoughts from anyone would be appreciated.
meerkat stew Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 How did you know she was on the dating site? Were you on it too? If not, how did you find her profile? Sorry if you already answered that. It's unclear what you want here, and no one can tell you that. If you want her to be your GF, then mend things. If not, stick with the status quo. It sounds as if things worked out for the best, as you don't seem available for a relationship with this family illness still looming. It also sounds as if she waited a full month, and that you haven't given her much encouragement as to a future together. People move and say they are coming back all the time, it's up to the person who moves, not the other person, to give reassurances that they want the relationship to progress despite distance, regardless of the reason for the move. IMO, it is you who should have been reassuring her, not the other way around.
Author LRS Posted September 7, 2010 Author Posted September 7, 2010 How did you know she was on the dating site? Were you on it too? If not, how did you find her profile? Sorry if you already answered that. It's unclear what you want here, and no one can tell you that. If you want her to be your GF, then mend things. If not, stick with the status quo. It sounds as if things worked out for the best, as you don't seem available for a relationship with this family illness still looming. It also sounds as if she waited a full month, and that you haven't given her much encouragement as to a future together. People move and say they are coming back all the time, it's up to the person who moves, not the other person, to give reassurances that they want the relationship to progress despite distance, regardless of the reason for the move. IMO, it is you who should have been reassuring her, not the other way around. Thanks for your input. I did give some reassurance. Anyway she cant wait to move on with her life it seems as on some timetable for something leading to marriage. Im told in a stealth way that we are still an "option" more or less. To me she left the day I left town. I think its maybe the best course for now. You know if this woman would stand by me she could have really won my heart in a time like this. That chance has passed IMO.
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