Interested in a guy out of my league. Nervous and intimidated.. Heeelp

[Swimie]

I know I'm shooting out of my league with this guy. If you have or have not read any of my other posts, I complain a lot about being friend-zoned by the last few guys. I do not want this to happen here. I feel the pressure rising when I think about this potential new prospect. I have a few things working against me: The fact I am so intimidated it could bust any [potential] game up (..Lol..) in addition to all the last few times I got friend-zoned....

 

I've been talking with this guy on OKCupid... He's amazing. Super-smart, he's cute.... (Mmm, Well-read AND well-bred ...As of a few days ago he is moving back down from Boston to finish up his PhD... Our messages to each other are long. LONG, sons! We've talked a good many topics. He hasn't talked too much about his field. We've only grazed the topic. (It's in robotics.) I only know a smidge about in comparison with my lowly A.A.S in electrical engineering. . .

 

I believe he did say this is his last semester.. which means I have .....(How long is a school semester 3-4 months?) Approx 3 months to get my foot in his door....so to speak. After he lays down the "Dr." in front of his name, I fear they'll be a flood gate of many-a-trifling hoes.. And I may drown in 'em...

 

For anyone not famailer with OKC -- just as with most other dating sites - - you can list what you're looking for. Your options are: new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating, activity partners, long-distance penpals, intimate encounter ....or any combination. in HIS profile, he only has that he's looking for friends.

 

I'm assuming he doesn't have time with the dedication to school and moving for him to meet people.. and so I'm suspecting he's just trying to broaden his circle of friends... Not sure if he is interesting in dating. I'd like to think all hope is not lost. I don't want to come off as desperate (by asking).....or ruin my chances or get shot down.. [!!]

 

At least I know he does find me "cute" as he put it... Here's what he said..(After I told him my looks were average, IMO). HA. it is so oddly nerdy but adorable: But I'll close with a bit of (awkward/nerdy) flattery. I suspect that the reason you received so many messages-- useless messages, certainly-- is because you appear to be rather cute. If average, average in the best sort of way. The way that leads scientists to discover that average faces are the most attractive.

 

Because I've gotten friend-zoned, I've been too fearful to compliment him back in terms of his looks. As I said, I think he's adorable.

 

So how do i snag this gentleman that is out of my league? I have a decent running with my looks. I feel though "what if" I'm not as cultured as him when it comes down to it. What if I'm also not as proper or intelligent... =\ I need to ramp up my workout... I definitely can & need to do that. This guy is quite a catch. And no, it's not just because he'll be a doctor. I'd be interested in him even if he were a night-shift janitor. Him having a PhD is awesome and I admire it BUT at the same it will make me feel insecure. And he may not want to date someone on a lower rung in terms of education, career, and general socioeconomic class.... But this just not something I want to bring up yet......

[lso802]

Try not to worry. Go out on some dates and see how it goes first. People spend too much time worrying about things that may not even happen. I understand your concern though.

[blueberries]

have you met this guy in real life yet? he may not look as cute in real life...

[norajane]

And he may not want to date someone on a lower rung in terms of education, career, and general socioeconomic class....

 

Guys don't care about that stuff. They really don't. They date pretty much anyone regardless of those kinds of things as long as they are attracted to her and she makes them feel like superman.

 

If you've been friend-zoned in the past, it's likely because they weren't attracted enough, they're meeting other people on dating sites and picking and choosing based on the relative hotness of the women interested in them, might have been interested in sex right away and saw that you weren't, or it just didn't click for a multitude of reasons.

 

If online dating is where you have been friend-zoned, don't give it a second thought. That's like trying to win the lottery, maybe with better odds - it's just a random way to find someone that clicks with you and you're likely to find lots and lots more who don't than who do. But it's not a reflection on you or him or on anything except that chemistry and compatibility is subjective and knowing that he likes baseball and goes to the gym based on his profile doesn't really help you know whether you two would hit it off upon meeting.

 

Bottom line, don't worry about it. And don't build him up in your head to be out of your league, or that he's perfect. He's just a guy you think you might like if you meet him, but you don't really know for sure.

[bobdole]

And he may not want to date someone on a lower rung in terms of education, career, and general socioeconomic class

 

Guys don't care about that stuff. They really don't. They date pretty much anyone regardless of those kinds of things as long as they are attracted to her and she makes them feel like superman.

Just a confirmation, for the most part, we don't really care about that stuff.

[spiderowl]

He will meet others who have PhDs. He will meet lots of highly intelligent people and I am sure you are one of them. You are assuming he is out of your league for some reason. This is because your self-esteem is low and perhaps you are assessing things superficially. I have seen the most unprepossessing people being very successful in their love lives because they are confident that they are worthwhile and they do not assume that what they are lacking is most important.

 

You need to focus on the good qualities you have. Those are the qualities you can bring to a relationship with him. It may be that those are the very qualities that he finds lacking in others. OK, some woman he knows may be a nuclear physicist, but she may be a cold character who is critical of unimportant things and always attending conferences abroad. You may be a warm person who would love him and who would have time for him. You may be affectionate where another woman may be abrasive. You may be pleased to see him where another woman may give him a confusing reception. You don't realise just how many lovely qualities you have that he could see in you. By failing to see beyond the superficiail, you are assuming you haven't got what matters to him.

 

He will be a Dr soon. Money, wealth and status may well matter to some, but what would you like to come home to at night? A rich man with a high-faluting title or a warm, intelligent man who adores you? If your doctor-to-be is worth anything, he'll be able to see beyond the superficial and may find you are definitely in his league.

[florence of suburbia]

I doubt someone that intellectual thinks in terms of leagues. I also doubt he has women thronging all over him just b/c he has a PhD. If he were an MBA at Harvard or an attorney, maybe. Or a plastic surgeon. I say go for it and don't hold yourself back with so many what ifs.

[harmfulsweetz]

I've always thought leagues are a bogus way to classify people. Why? Because I don't know anyone that would dump/reject a person based on the fact that they are out of that person's league-there's always something else, some reason more important in that rejection. Course, you will get the exceptions, but rarely.

 

A lot of people talk about leagues, but I doubt many implement these leagues in real life. I don't look at men in regards to league, I look at them in regards to if I'm attracted to them. Men are the same way. So why I so often assume certain men think I'm in a lower league than them is baffling.

 

Men do not care about things that you are bringing up as issues, they don't. Women do, but men don't. Go figure.

 

You're bringing up issues before you've even met the guy, or arranged to meet the guy. Also, I would try to not get too caught up in him because well, it's online dating and it may not work out...he may sound good on paper but be not so good in person. Just take it easy, throw your insecurities aside and arrange a coffee date. Go with the flow.

[that girl]

After he lays down the "Dr." in front of his name, I fear they'll be a flood gate of many-a-trifling hoes..

This made me laugh. I know lots of people with PhDs. None of them are drowning in hoes.

[gypsy_nicky]

...

 

At least I know he does find me "cute" as he put it... Here's what he said..(After I told him my looks were average, IMO). HA. it is so oddly nerdy but adorable: But I'll close with a bit of (awkward/nerdy) flattery. I suspect that the reason you received so many messages-- useless messages, certainly-- is because you appear to be rather cute. If average, average in the best sort of way. The way that leads scientists to discover that average faces are the most attractive.

 

..

 

not good honey. Calling someone cute is a no-no. He misread 'averaged' faces. Theres a difference from that to looking average.

[that girl]

not good honey. Calling someone cute is a no-no. He misread 'averaged' faces. Theres a difference from that to looking average.

Cute is one of those words that rubs some people the wrong way but not others.

 

Researchers have found that "averaging" faces (ie using a computer to combine the features of 100 women or men) will turn out a more attractive than average person. That is what he was referring to with average.

[jamesum]

I'd be interested in him even if he were a night-shift janitor......

Oh pleasee, gimme a break.

[Swimie]

I appreciate all the nice replies =D Yes, i'm surely building him up... He seems very down to earth. He's since messaged me since my last post and it was very lengthy. And contained some nice compliments. Snippet-

I guess it isn't really a surprising result anyway, for the reasons you suggested. The central thesis of my statement though was that you're cute, averages aside. Also, you're not convincing me that you're average anyway. You're clearly intelligent and rather interesting, but somewhat mysterious

so

far.

I finally complimented him and awaiting a response. Not trying to get too worked up over it. Even though I am a nit nervous what he may say in return. I took the above part of his reply as a sign it was OK to do such. I figure I should make him work to make me like him, and not the other way around....Not that I shouldnt put in any effort at all.. I believe I mean more or less see if he meets my other standards in terms of being compatible.

 

Since he's still getting settled in with his move it may be next weekend until our first meeting. And i have yet to see him and sure he might not be as cute in person[!!] And there very well could bet no chemistry or romantic interested from my side. or some other fluke could pop up and make me lose interest... I'm actually okay with delaying the meeting even to another week/weekend. I have no rush. I do want to do things for myself. Workout, get my hair done.. nails done and the like....mm, new outfit. Mostly to give myself that pop of confidence / feeling a bit more attractive. . .

 

jamesum is right to have that reaction. I am amazed of his achievements and I do daydream of a better life he could give me. But I also know that stuff -- if it's the only reason provoking interest -- will soon lose its luster..and there needs to be something more substantial. But, yeh i do agree if he was a "nightshift janitor" i would not be all up in arms nervous posting a "HELP ME!!" message on Loveshack.... Yes, I do admit. . .

 

And as far as my fear of hoes pouncing him statim after he's dubbed a Dr.. well, that may be the half-ghetto residue in me still.....(along with my other obvious insecurities that were mentioned.)

 

[Cee]

I wouldn't worry about him being intellectually above you, but PLEASE come back to Earth. You are getting too into a guy you haven't met.

 

And as far as his career, it's probably #1 in his life. Dating will likely take a back seat. That's part of the reason I dropped out of a Ph.D. program - I didn't want to make the life sacrifices necessary to get a job in academia. As an aside: Ph.D. does not equal hot. When I think of the male professors in my department

 

This guy isn't getting a Ph.D. in 3 months unless he has already defended his doctoral research thesis. Depending on the field the getting a doctorate thing can drag on awhile. And then this guy has to find a job and will likely be flying around the country to get a coveted professorship or research position.

 

Don't get one-itis over this guy.

 

You are too good for this. I hope you are also talking to other guys, too.

 

Sorry to get all tough love on you, but I know the academic world & it's not a great place to meet men. But I say go give it a shot.

[LondonS]

seriously, dont invest too much until you meet in person and perhaps cut down on very long emails too.

I met a guy from Match who was every way compatible with me "online"- highly educated and the look I am after..

when I met in person, big dissapointment, he couldnt make eye contact and had no flow in conversation..needless to say we texted each other good bye right after the date...

[Present Value]

I would second what Cee said. Might be worth finding out at what stage in the program this guy is, but if he is going to continue in academia (as opposed to get a "real" job maybe doing research for a company), he's probably pretty committed to his work, and that's going to be #1. You don't finish a dissertation by leaving it on the back burner. And now he'll have to think about trying to get tenure, etc.

 

If he's in EE, he's honestly probably not meeting that many women either as classmates or as colleagues. And no, having a "Dr." in front of your name, or a "Ph.D." behind it (or if you're one of those self-important popular writers, having both even though you only have one degree) sadly doesn't make women go all gaga over you. Well, at least not after they find out you're not a medical doctor.

[D-Lish]

Don't allow yourself to get involved emotionally until you meet him in person. Just remember, people can be whomever they want to be online. The worst thing you can do is place this guy on a pedestal before even meeting him.

 

Why wouldn't you celebrate your own academic success? I believed you compared it as "lowly" or something along those lines- which is rubbish.

 

If he's on OK cupid, he's looking to meet a woman. Sometimes people just list "friends" because they are unsure of what else to put.

[dispatch3d]

Lol ahhhh have you ever met someone whose getting a phd in engineering?

 

ahhhhh he isn't out of your league at all. I guess you are just impressed by the guys brain power on paper. This has nothing to do with how good he is at dating. He's likely awful. Seriously 70%+ of my professors in engineering are too socially awkward to use as a reference by over 80% of their students.

 

I would say 60%+ of the people getting phd's are very weird. I have friends getting phds, but I mean they aren't the socially retarded ones (I wouldn't be able to be friends with those ones....).

 

Internet dating is so weird. I guess the guys with phd's will never be the ones hitting on you in bars, so you're dealing with guys you've never even run into before (for the most part, unless you are in engineering or something).

[Ruby Slippers]

omg, what's with all the long, drawn-out emotional and fantasy discussions before you've even met??! Get off the e-mail and in person.

 

(Disclaimer: I don't do online dating, but this seems obvious to me. You're building castles in the sky going on nothing but pictures and text on a screen! Snap out of it.)

[meerkat stew]

Good advice from several in the thread, stop building castles in the air, you are setting yourself up for disappointment from several possible angles. Online talk >> meet ASAP.