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I called the wedding OFF

beforewegrewup

By beforewegrewup,
in Getting Married

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BlackLovely

BlackLovely

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That is very easy for a woman to say when she doesn't have a 75% percent chance of her spouse pulling the plug on the marriage and haing it blow up in her face. This woman is already withholding sex and we all know this kind of stuff just gets worse after marriage. I just don't understand the flack he is getting for calling a wedding off. Should he marry a woman who already does not want to sleep with him?

In my humble and proudly perverted opinion...

No. Absolutely not.

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GooseChaser

GooseChaser

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Guys, rather than focusing on who is "in the right" in this situation, maybe it would be good to recognize that both sides have valid reasons for their actions in this situation. Placing blame just makes it him versus her, and that might not be the best way to approach this. Clearly, this is all very emotional for both the topic starter and his ex-fiancee. Both points of view are understandable. Maybe you guys need to find a compromise where you can meet in the middle somewhere.

 

Of course, the ex-fiancee is going to be upset about the topic starter's decision to call off the wedding. It is good that the relationship is still intact, and it seems like what you two really need right now is communication. It's very important. Try to continue building on your trust and maybe things will work out okay in the end. Good luck! I wish you both the best, whatever happens! Just try to care and be empathetic of her feelings as well as your own. As a couple who is speculating about marriage, you must be partners and work together, rather than setting yourselves against each other. This isn't a competition about who is right, but you should instead go for what is best for both of you.

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Mutant Debutante

Mutant Debutante

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Talking about statistics of sexless marriages starting from sexless relationships is a total red herring. They were having sex, lots of sex. OP says they still have sexual contact. She had a major pregnancy scare and decided not to risk getting pregnant with penetration until after the wedding. That is not the same thing as just having a sexless relationship. I wouldn't choose to marry somebody who just shut down sexually for no reason either, because of course sex is important...but that is NOT what the OP stated was happening.

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beforewegrewup

beforewegrewup

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Well everyone,

 

I inquired with the girlfriend to find out what the root problem was in the relationship. I saw a number of posts regarding her stopping sex in the relationship due to me potentially bolting. So, I figure I'll ask the impossible because if anything she should know with 100% confidence that I am not going to bolt.

 

Well, she said she has always felt that way but ignored it. She always felt this way because of how strongly my career focus is and that I do not want any children right now because I'm coming around for an overseas assignment and I wanted to take her with [me].

 

When the pregnancy scare happened, she just knew that I wouldn't "completely walk out" but that I wouldn't really be "there" for the kids and that I would always resent her for it.

 

I told her that I had been angry for nearly a year at her. I apologized for being so angry and for so long, but it would have helped if I would have received that simple sentence "I stopped having sex because I thought you would bolt/walk-out on me" vs this whole run around. I am really at a loss for words because that was the last thing I could think about. Yes, I DON'T want kids and I STRONGLY feel they will jack-up my career ambitions, but I would adjust (just how I have with everything else in my life).

 

NOW, she's going to start taking birth control pills. She shared with me that this was going to be a fear she was going to carry into marriage. Which does validate the point of getting married doesn't change anything, it only amplifies issues if they are not resolved prior to marriage. I'm not saying marriages don't take work like relationships, but some things NEED to be addressed or fixed BEFORE marriage. She says she is not afraid of it being an issue now that we have discussed it.

 

Instead of pointing fingers I shared with her that WE need to be more PRO-active in the relationship instead of RE-active in all aspects and matters in the relationship. Quite frankly, she should have been taking birth control pills before we started having sex, not after when we are not. She said she is going to start taking them now to get her body use to them or to find the right one that works for her...but she still doesn't want to have sex and said fear (to a small degree) is why she doesn't want to have sex now.

 

What now????

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aerogurl87

aerogurl87

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Ha I knew it! See she had a valid reason and here you were thinking she was just using sex as a tool to get you to marry her. ;) What you do now is wait and give her time to talk to you and figure everything out together. Her being upfront and honest with you is a step in the right direction, but apparently there's some actions you've done to make her think this way and those need to be brought to the table in a little more detail and dealt with accordingly.

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beforewegrewup

beforewegrewup

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Whether her reason was valid or not in your mind, her "being up front" would have been to say this 11 months AGO when the question was asked. Had I not inquired more she would have NEVER told me.

 

The only action that have been made consistently in the relationship is how I do not want a child at this point in my life. I understand the risks of having sex. If I wanted to "bolt" my identity would be bogus and all that crap. Why would I put myself in a child-support financially rape myself situation?

 

But no aerogurl87, she was not upfront and honest. She's been been telling a lie for nearly a year...

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Untouchable_Fire

Untouchable_Fire

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Ha I knew it! See she had a valid reason and here you were thinking she was just using sex as a tool to get you to marry her. ;) What you do now is wait and give her time to talk to you and figure everything out together. Her being upfront and honest with you is a step in the right direction, but apparently there's some actions you've done to make her think this way and those need to be brought to the table in a little more detail and dealt with accordingly.

 

Good God, that's not a valid reason!

 

Bottom line... still no sex. Which means fear of.... what?... partial abandonment?... potential resentment? Or whatever irrational and intangible fear she comes up with as an excuse is... just that, an excuse.

 

But of course her mental issues are all his fault... :confused:

 

Get real! This woman is crazy and manipulative.

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Angel1111

Angel1111

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Sorry I'm not buying it. Here in the 21st century, I find it impossible to believe that a woman stops having sex with her bf for fear of getting pregnant. It's total nonsense. But what person is ever going to admit to being controlled by her father? You have totally by-passed this issue and how the timing of stopping sex coincided perfectly with her father finding out about the two of you, and how he has a very unhealthy relationship with her. Instead she makes you the culpret -- that's perfect. This has "nightmare" written all over it. I hope you will at least still avoid marrying her for now. Of course, without sex, you're motivation to marry is very high. Again, perfect...

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GooseChaser

GooseChaser

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Sorry I'm not buying it. Here in the 21st century, I find it impossible to believe that a woman stops having sex with her bf for fear of getting pregnant. It's total nonsense.

 

Whoa-- to be fair, as effective as birth control has become, it still does not have a 100% success rate. Abortion is available in that case, yes, but not everyone's willing to take that route.

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carhill

carhill

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OP, just bank some wigglers, get snipped, and move on with it. If she's compatible, this kids thing being a part of that compatibility, it's easily resolvable. Get some PMC. Get a plan to *be together*. If you approach your intimate relationships with the same ambition, zeal and intelligence that you're focusing on your career, there's no place you can't go with it. Get started today. Call a doctor and call a PMC. You're a doer. Get doing. Good luck :)

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Hop_prophet

Hop_prophet

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What?!?

 

Now I am even more confused. That reason is even worse than the first one. She won't have sex with you because she is afraid you will leave??? That makes no sense at all and only seems to reinforce the statement that she was using sex to manipulate you into marriage. She should be afraid that you will leave due to lack of sex. I suggest you go to couples therapy because there is definitely more to this than she is telling you.

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aerogurl87

aerogurl87

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Good God, that's not a valid reason!

 

Bottom line... still no sex. Which means fear of.... what?... partial abandonment?... potential resentment? Or whatever irrational and intangible fear she comes up with as an excuse is... just that, an excuse.

 

But of course her mental issues are all his fault... :confused:

 

Get real! This woman is crazy and manipulative.

 

Actually the fear of being a single parent and having your partner bail on you if you get pregnant is a very valid reason to stop having sex. My ex told me he would leave me if I got pregnant and didn't have an abortion (which I am totally against) so it did make me second guess sleeping with him after that. It's possible he said or did something that gave her this impression and I don't think most people in the world would want to be a single parent by choice.

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beforewegrewup

beforewegrewup

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Actually the fear of being a single parent and having your partner bail on you if you get pregnant is a very valid reason to stop having sex. My ex told me he would leave me if I got pregnant and didn't have an abortion (which I am totally against) so it did make me second guess sleeping with him after that. It's possible he said or did something that gave her this impression and I don't think most people in the world would want to be a single parent by choice.

 

It is NOT a valid reason to stop having sex... It's a valid reason to BREAK UP if you share extememly different values that you SHOULD HAVE found out within the first two or three months of the relationship. Quite frankly within the first couple of days or weeks by casually talking about "a friend" in a situation to get information out of him.

 

I never gave her this impression. The impression I provided was if she got pregnant her and OUR kid (not her kid) will travel overseas with me.

 

I'm sorry aerogurl87, as much as you would like to right about something, accept the fact that you are not and not assume love.

 

Side bar: She now said she wants to have sex but to be honest things are kind of irritating now.

 

Check it out:

 

I'll be the evil guy: We have sex even though she made this alleged vow with God.

 

I'll be the irritating guy: Should I respect her wishes of not wanting to have sex, yet she wants to have sex so that I'll still want to marry her.

 

I'll be the manipulated guy: If I marry her, I will feel like I was manipulated just so that I could have the priviledge to have sex with her again.

 

 

In all my frustrations I'm starting to sound like the crazy one now, ey? Sex is supposed to fun and sensational. Not all calculated and stressful. Geesh. (just me venting people)

 

All in all, aerogurl87 please read what is being written and try your hardest to not push her ideas of your personal experience to be the truth of others. I'm not bashing or roasting you love, just trying to assist you in your facilitating efforts.

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carhill

carhill

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OP, could you clarify something? I'll quote a prior post below:

 

I inquired with the girlfriend to find out what the root problem was in the relationship. I saw a number of posts regarding her stopping sex in the relationship due to me potentially bolting. So, I figure I'll ask the impossible because if anything she should know with 100% confidence that I am not going to bolt.

 

Well, she said she has always felt that way but ignored it. She always felt this way because of how strongly my career focus is and that I do not want any children right now because I'm coming around for an overseas assignment and I wanted to take her with [me].

 

When the pregnancy scare happened, she just knew that I wouldn't "completely walk out" but that I wouldn't really be "there" for the kids and that I would always resent her for it.

 

In providing my opinion, I took the bolded to infer that your perspective is that business and career right now are number one and you do not want children at this point in time, unmarried or married. Did I read that wrong?

 

In a subsequent post, you provide the following:

 

I never gave her this impression. The impression I provided was if she got pregnant her and OUR kid (not her kid) will travel overseas with me.

 

This (tone as opposed to facts) conflicts with the first quote *if* that quote was your perspective and not her projection of her own perspective upon the circumstances. To me, it sounds like, for whatever reason, even if you *say* you will take her and your child overseas with you, she is afraid you will leave her if she gets pregnant.

 

Here's another question: Do you see a substantial difference in her socialization and family dynamics versus those of your own? If you do, fair warning. If you do still love her and want to be with her, investigate those elemental differences in PMC and decide whether you and she are compatible at the elemental levels necessary for a healthy marriage.

 

TBH, going through a no-fault divorce, it's a lot easier, IMO, both emotionally and financially, to go through a no-fault 'call off the wedding'. Sometimes things just aren't meant to work out. I hope you can resolve this in a way you feel positive about.

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Angel1111

Angel1111

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All the focus on the details of this situation aside, what I see is that things are so off in this relationship that you called the wedding off. This is a big deal and not one that should be brushed aside. If you marry this person, you'll most likely find yourself looking back someday and thinking, "I should've ended this relationship back then when I had the good sense to back out of the wedding. Why did I not stick to that decision?" Please don't end up being that guy. I married someone after making the same decision to call off the wedding. We married and now we're divorced. Don't ignore the red flags. They're flying all over the place right now.

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beforewegrewup

beforewegrewup

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OP, could you clarify something? I'll quote a prior post below:

 

You are COMPLETELY correct. Unmarried or married I do not want children right now, but if she was to get pregnant my career would not stop, they would just be on the gravy train WITH my career.

 

You are ALSO correct that even if I took the family overseas she feels I will leave her for whatever reason is. Her dad did do the same to her and maybe this is where all this fear is stemming from which is weird because he controls her.

 

There are EXTREME differences in the dynamics of her family. In my family is like something of a movie. They are a super charismatic, fun, trash talking, card playing, and adventurous bunch. The thing is, that is how we are on a Tuesday. It doesn’t have to be Thanksgiving, Easter, or someone’s birthday. It’s a laugh riot every day, every time.

 

With her family I swear everyone is really dry and they seem more like “roommates” than family members. That’s okay, but it’s very different. She loves my family and wishes her family would be as open and fun as mine. That’s why she prefers to visit my folks on the holidays versus her own.

 

I do appreciate your input and excellent observations.

Edited by beforewegrewup
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aerogurl87

aerogurl87

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It is NOT a valid reason to stop having sex... It's a valid reason to BREAK UP if you share extememly different values that you SHOULD HAVE found out within the first two or three months of the relationship. Quite frankly within the first couple of days or weeks by casually talking about "a friend" in a situation to get information out of him.

 

I never gave her this impression. The impression I provided was if she got pregnant her and OUR kid (not her kid) will travel overseas with me.

 

I'm sorry aerogurl87, as much as you would like to right about something, accept the fact that you are not and not assume love.

 

Side bar: She now said she wants to have sex but to be honest things are kind of irritating now.

 

Check it out:

 

I'll be the evil guy: We have sex even though she made this alleged vow with God.

 

I'll be the irritating guy: Should I respect her wishes of not wanting to have sex, yet she wants to have sex so that I'll still want to marry her.

 

I'll be the manipulated guy: If I marry her, I will feel like I was manipulated just so that I could have the priviledge to have sex with her again.

 

 

In all my frustrations I'm starting to sound like the crazy one now, ey? Sex is supposed to fun and sensational. Not all calculated and stressful. Geesh. (just me venting people)

 

All in all, aerogurl87 please read what is being written and try your hardest to not push her ideas of your personal experience to be the truth of others. I'm not bashing or roasting you love, just trying to assist you in your facilitating efforts.

 

Well no sex=break up for me anyway, lol. Anyway, I'm just saying that's what could possibly be going through her head. If she's this bad I don't see why you're still with her anyway.

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GooseChaser

GooseChaser

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Well no sex=break up for me anyway, lol. Anyway, I'm just saying that's what could possibly be going through her head. If she's this bad I don't see why you're still with her anyway.

Love, supposedly?

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tornandmarried

tornandmarried

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yeah, i think u made the right choice, not because of sex or any issues at hand, but because....if your not jumping with joy at the thought of getting married, then maybe u shouldnt

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GooseChaser

GooseChaser

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Topic starter, how badly do you want this to work out? You love her; do you someday want to marry her? You have already proposed once. Do you plan to someday propose again when things are better between you? What steps will you take toward that goal? Would you be willing to sacrifice sex until you two are married, assuming you would have sex again after getting married? Don't think of it as manipulation; that's a negative and distrusting way to look at her request. If you marry someone, you should trust them completely. Pre-marriage counseling seems like it would help if you two want to try it out. It would also show you're willing to work on the issues and try to make things work. Good luck! I hope things go well! :)

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