He was trying to "compliment" me but ended up offending me

[Ilovehim]

This is really hurting me. Please read and help with any advice.

 

My boyfriend & I were having a conversation about our past relationships. He went to school with his ex and apparently she was EXTREMELY popular with the boys. She knew every single guy everywhere they went apparently. He said she loved the attention that guys gave her and Gave it back & was a flirt. it took a toll on their relationship eventually because she would do things that hurt him only to feed on her ego. To make a long story short, she was very outgoing and constantly showed my boyfriend that "he could lose her to all these guys anyday". He said that when they would fight, she would go out with all these guys that liked her and party while he would be at home upset and even crying sometimes.

 

 

Now here is where my problem stands. My boyfriend tells me I am the most beautiful amazing woman he ever met and that he would like to marry me someday. However, this whole situation with his ex being so popular with all these men and just being this flirty "I don't care"- attitude, very outgoing girl.. Made me feel horrible because although I get plenty of attention, I never return it. I have cut off all my guy friends who like me because I didn't want to cause drama in my relationship. However, my boyfriend views other guys wanting his girl as a turn on (although he never said it flat out, he inclined it). He has told me "I love that these guys want u but u only want me". Everyday I have guys trying to get to know me, telling me I'm beautiful and how lucky my man is, however, unlike with his ex, my boyfriend isn't around to see these things. I ignore every guy so I make life easy for him but now I feel like I appear to be the boring girlfriend who never goes out and who has zero guy friends. He doesn't feel like "all these guys are trying to steal his girl" because I make sure to make him feel secure but now he is too secure and too comfortable. He said "I'm so glad you don't have all these guys around like my ex and you stay at home every night. " and went in to talk about all these things that made ne feel like a complete loser with only a few friends, with a very boring life apparently and with no thrill. He said "physically by the way you look and all the guys that want you, I would feel very insecure but because you reject every guy for me, it makes me feel like I can trust you."

 

 

Sighhh.. This is long and maybe hard to understand but I feel like I want my boyfriend to be a little jealous, to feel that yes, someone could steal me away from him although I'm respectful and don't return attention to guys who give it to me, I hate that he is so comfortable to the point that he could take me for granted. I hate the fact that his ex kept him in his tip toes and I hate the fact that he dated a girl like that. I hate that I get so much attention and shut the whole world down for him & cut all my guy friends only for him to be happy but took away that feeling in the pit of ur stomach where you are afraid to lose someone. I hate that he is not afraid to lose me, that all his compliments of me being gorgeous but such a classy good girl and that he wants to marry me-should make me feel good but I feel like a boring, "make your life easy", no excitement, girlfriend. I'm afraid I am not giving him a challenge at all, im afraid he will take me for granted because it has happened before. I have never felt so bad about being good in my life. I feel like crap, like the boring housewife. What can I do to snap him out ofthis extreme security and comfortability without hurting our relationship?

Edited September 3, 2010 by Ilovehim

[Cracker Jack]

Start flirting with other men if you hate shutting them down so much, then.

 

Honestly, tho, it sounds more like a weird competition (With his Ex) than an actual relationship.

[torranceshipman]

This is really hurting me. Please read and help with any advice.

 

My boyfriend & I were having a conversation about our past relationships. He went to school with his ex and apparently she was EXTREMELY popular with the boys. She knew every single guy everywhere they went apparently. He said she loved the attention that guys gave her and Gave it back & was a flirt. it took a toll on their relationship eventually because she would do things that hurt him only to feed on her ego. To make a long story short, she was very outgoing and constantly showed my boyfriend that "he could lose her to all these guys anyday". He said that when they would fight, she would go out with all these guys that liked her and party while he would be at home upset and even crying sometimes.

 

 

Now here is where my problem stands. My boyfriend tells me I am the most beautiful amazing woman he ever met and that he would like to marry me someday. However, this whole situation with his ex being so popular with all these men and just being this flirty "I don't care"- attitude, very outgoing girl.. Made me feel horrible because although I get plenty of attention, I never return it. I have cut off all my guy friends who like me because I didn't want to cause drama in my relationship. However, my boyfriend views other guys wanting his girl as a turn on (although he never said it flat out, he inclined it). He has told me "I love that these guys want u but u only want me". Everyday I have guys trying to get to know me, telling me I'm beautiful and how lucky my man is, however, unlike with his ex, my boyfriend isn't around to see these things. I ignore every guy so I make life easy for him but now I feel like I appear to be the boring girlfriend who never goes out and who has zero guy friends. He doesn't feel like "all these guys are trying to steal his girl" because I make sure to make him feel secure but now he is too secure and too comfortable. He said "I'm so glad you don't have all these guys around like my ex and you stay at home every night. " and went in to talk about all these things that made ne feel like a complete loser with only a few friends, with a very boring life apparently and with no thrill. He said "physically by the way you look and all the guys that want you, I would feel very insecure but because you reject every guy for me, it makes me feel like I can trust you."

 

 

Sighhh.. This is long and maybe hard to understand but I feel like I want my boyfriend to be a little jealous, to feel that yes, someone could steal me away from him although I'm respectful and don't return attention to guys who give it to me, I hate that he is so comfortable to the point that he could take me for granted. I hate the fact that his ex kept him in his tip toes and I hate the fact that he dated a girl like that. I hate that I get so much attention and shut the whole world down for him & cut all my guy friends only for him to be happy but took away that feeling in the pit of ur stomach where you are afraid to lose someone. I hate that he is not afraid to lose me, that all his compliments of me being gorgeous but such a classy good girl and that he wants to marry me-should make me feel good but I feel like a boring, "make your life easy", no excitement, girlfriend. I'm afraid I am not giving him a challenge at all, im afraid he will take me for granted because it has happened before. I have never felt so bad about being good in my life. I feel like crap, like the boring housewife. What can I do to snap him out ofthis extreme security and comfortability without hurting our relationship?

 

Ohhhh come on! He loves you, respects you, wants to marry you, and 100% understands what a healthy, brilliant R he has. He is mature enough to know that people don't need to push how attractive they are in his face, every second, nor does he feel other guys have to be all over his girl, hitting on her in a bar every 5 minutes to 'prove how hot he must be for having a girl everyone wants'. He clearly is a well balanced guy.

 

DON't change it!!!

[sagetalk]

I will try to say this in the nicest way possible.

 

Please stop acting like a loony and enjoy the fact that you are dating a pretty cool guy you like. If you always look for problems, you will always find them.

[reservoirdog1]

I will try to say this in the nicest way possible.

 

Please stop acting like a loony and enjoy the fact that you are dating a pretty cool guy you like. If you always look for problems, you will always find them.

HEAR HEAR. You're creating a problem where there isn't one.

[prettybaby]

Are you PMSing? lol

 

Sounds like a whole lot of drama in your head for no reason.

[Ilovehim]

Are you PMSing? lol

 

Sounds like a whole lot of drama in your head for no reason.

 

Lmao yes I am PMsing. The problem is that my boyfriend was putting his ex'es "popularity with men" in a positive light. I'm not looking for problems, I know he is a great guy. I don't want to lose him or flirt with other men, I hate the fact that he feels so extremely secure that I would never leave him and made his ex sound like she was the life of the party while I'm just the boring girlfriend that gives him zero problems and apprently zero challenge. Does anyone understand where I'm coming from or are my feelings and thoughts exagerated and irrational? If so, how do I change them? I am not talking to my boyfriend or friends about this so please help guys.

[FryFish]

Does anyone understand where I'm coming from or are my feelings and thoughts exagerated and irrational?

Irrational.

 

You sound like you want to torture your BF the same way his EX did.... The key word there is EX.

[sagetalk]

Does anyone understand where I'm coming from or are my feelings and thoughts exagerated and irrational? If so, how do I change them? I am not talking to my boyfriend or friends about this so please help guys.

 

Yes, they are irrational. He's not cheating on you or abusing you, so why be so negative towards him? Shouldn't he feel secure about you? I would hope so.

 

Focus on the positive things and let these minor negatives fade away. Think of ten reasons why you love him and focus on that all day. Before you know it, you won't even remember this crap. When men cheat on or abuse you, leave them. When they don't, don't make up problems just for the sake of drama. Live life, be happy, and focus on why you love him, not his minor faults.

[prettybaby]

I think his mistake was to compare you two, which is different than casually talking about an ex. He probably didn't realize it would affect you in a negative way, and I'm sure he thinks you're so much better. Guys are simple creatures. When they say they mean well, take their word for it and think no further lol

[The Collector]

Maybe a part of you misses those days when you could be the responsibility-free hot girl and enjoy all the attention and have as many guy friends as you liked.

 

Maybe a part of you resents him for making you responsible for keeping him feeling 'safe.'

 

Maybe a part of you thinks the ex had a better deal and is somehow laughing at you that she got away with not doing what you feel is your duty to your man.

 

Maybe a part of you doesn't respect your man because he put up with her shyt, and needs 'protecting' by you.

 

And no maybes about it, it all seems worse at this particular time of the month.

 

I doubt he think of you in the negative terms you think - boring, etc. He doesn't want the tears and drama that his ex gave, and thinks the world of you because you are not like that. As would most men.

[Pink Cupcakes]

This whole thread is why I avoid in-depth discussions about what my boyfriend's exes were like, and I don't share the same.

[Woggle]

Women like you are very very rare these days so you should be honored by it. Why would you want to be a drama filled headcase who are pretty much a dime a dozen these days?

[naya1]

u know halfway through reading your post i just realize i must be damn old cause things like these happened to me too (among other things i read here in LS).

 

anyway there is clearly nothing with you girl. your bf, sad to say is a bit on the immature side. he prefers a prize trophy wife/gf to feed his teeny weeny prick..i mean ego.

 

u will be nothing but hurt throughout this ordeal. my past relationship didnt survive this one. i dont want to get into details about it anymore but i think as you get older you'd know what you want and this is not it. a good relationship means no insecurities and i really wonder what ur bf is trying to accomplish by telling u those things about his ex. it will really make me wanna rip my eyebrows out of he told me that he used to stay home and cry cause his then girlfriend would go out partying.

 

not all men are like ur bf ..there are some who are happy to be with you and some who wouldnt be as immature so as to tell a story like that about his ex. immaturity 101 dude. its like he is asking for bull**** in his life by telling u a story like that.

 

it just makes me mad that people like these exist but sadly they do exist.

 

edit

i see not a lot of people see ur side..but i do. cause i know some guys like ur bf and im telling u that ur not being irrational.

i dont really understand how we would go as far as telling u all those stuff about his ex. if u want ur relationship to survive i suggest u from now on drop all conversations regarding his past

Edited September 3, 2010 by naya1

[Ruby Slippers]

Lmao yes I am PMsing. The problem is that my boyfriend was putting his ex'es "popularity with men" in a positive light.

Hey, he may have been trying to make YOU a little jealous by reminding you he had an attention-getting girlfriend in the past.

 

Men say stupid things sometimes. So do women, but we are usually more thin-skinned about boneheaded comments.

 

I'm sure he knows you could flirt right back, and appreciates that you don't. But definitely don't stop looking cute and drawing that male attention. Believe me, men notice this and eat it up with a spoon. He needs to remain aware that you COULD start flirting back at any time, and replace him within the hour. As long as he is aware of that, you're good.

[The Collector]

There's pretty much nothing positive men can say about their exes.

[Ruby Slippers]

^ I don't agree with that. To me, it's a red flag if the guy talks a bunch of smack about his exes. Sure, every guy has one major biatch in his past, but if he claims they were all crazy, that's my big clue that he's the problem.

 

If he makes complimentary comments about exes (in respectfully restrained amounts), it shows me has a reasonable perspective on women. It's no threat because they're exes and he's with me.

[The Collector]

I agree it's worse if he says they were all bitches... and the same when a woman says all her exes were worthless scum - and I'm generalizing, some women are fine with you speaking well (but not too often) about an ex. But many do not want to hear a single good word about them.

 

Some men might be the same, but I think it skews towards women not wanting to hear about anything good about previous lovers.

 

Men are more often like 'Did he treat you well? Good fella.' Or 'I don't care, where's that sandwich you promised?'

[Woggle]

I only have one real ex and you all know what she was like but not every breakup is done on bad terms. There are women I have dated that I have positive things to say about.

 

One thing to say to women is that any woman that is not repulsive can pretty much get a man so the fact that a woman can replace me is not impressive because of course she can. I know men because I am one and I know any decent woman can get laid. For any sane man the fact that she doesn't flirt back is much more impressive.

[Ruby Slippers]

One thing to say to women is that any woman that is not repulsive can pretty much get a man so the fact that a woman can replace me is not impressive because of course she can. I know men because I am one and I know any decent woman can get laid. For any sane man the fact that she doesn't flirt back is much more impressive.

All I'm saying is that men notice when other men check out women they're in relationships with, and they generally respond favorably to that attention by staying on their toes and making sure the woman is happy. It arouses the competitive instincts and activates his man juju (hot).

 

And I think men or women flirting while in a relationship is disrespectful. If both are flirtatious and fine with it, cool. But to me, when I'm in love, even flirting would feel like cheating. It's sending false signals to solicit attention, and just asking for trouble.

[EthanH]

gah! I wish people in your position could, momentarily just step outside their situation and look at things objectively. I promise you will look back on this answer wonder why you could be so bothered by such a multitude of small issues and problems.

 

First of all, what you have to be certain of, and also, something he HAS to realise is that you cannot atone for how someone has previously been with him, and he shouldn't put any of his previous experiences on you. Of course everyone has history in their head, lessons learned, fears etc... but that is where it should stay. I know if is often more difficult than this, but he has go give you a clean slate... and if he can't he should just be single and on his own until he is properly over what his ex did to him. I understand it is difficult, but I think both of you really need to believe this.

 

As for your life, you shouldn't not socialise with guys. In a way, he is only content as he has put you in a box, and knows you won't climb out and run off... by subduing you, he feels he is somehow in control. The reality is that confidence is very attractive, and in the future, if you continue with this way of acting, you will both see others as more attractive. He will see other girls as a challenge. You will see confident guys who don't need to impose their fears on you.

 

You just need to ask yourself this question, constantly:

 

why should I miss out on having fun with people who just so happen to be guys, because my bf is insecure?

 

By going along with his fears, you almost make them legitimate. When people are wrong about something, they need to be told they are so. Ask him if he wants a lap dog or he wants a girlfriend, part of the thing I now realise is so great about dating someone is that you know that they have chosen you... you know it could change at any moment, that's why you have to keep on your toes and treat them correctly, but at the same time, you know that they could choose to be with others, but they choose you.

 

You need to both draw a line under this nonsense. Does he trust you or not? Does he want to control you? You need to stop this toxic insecurity on his part and it's resulting impact on you. If not, I really believe you will resent him in the future.

Edited September 4, 2010 by EthanH

[SincereOnlineGuy]

This is really hurting me. Please read and help with any advice.

 

My boyfriend & I were having a conversation about our past relationships. He went to school with his ex and apparently she was EXTREMELY popular with the boys. She knew every single guy everywhere they went apparently. He said she loved the attention that guys gave her and Gave it back & was a flirt. it took a toll on their relationship eventually because she would do things that hurt him only to feed on her ego. To make a long story short, she was very outgoing and constantly showed my boyfriend that "he could lose her to all these guys anyday". He said that when they would fight, she would go out with all these guys that liked her and party while he would be at home upset and even crying sometimes.

 

 

Now here is where my problem stands. My boyfriend tells me I am the most beautiful amazing woman he ever met and that he would like to marry me someday. However, this whole situation with his ex being so popular with all these men and just being this flirty "I don't care"- attitude, very outgoing girl.. Made me feel horrible because although I get plenty of attention, I never return it. I have cut off all my guy friends who like me because I didn't want to cause drama in my relationship. However, my boyfriend views other guys wanting his girl as a turn on (although he never said it flat out, he inclined it). He has told me "I love that these guys want u but u only want me". Everyday I have guys trying to get to know me, telling me I'm beautiful and how lucky my man is, however, unlike with his ex, my boyfriend isn't around to see these things. I ignore every guy so I make life easy for him but now I feel like I appear to be the boring girlfriend who never goes out and who has zero guy friends. He doesn't feel like "all these guys are trying to steal his girl" because I make sure to make him feel secure but now he is too secure and too comfortable. He said "I'm so glad you don't have all these guys around like my ex and you stay at home every night. " and went in to talk about all these things that made ne feel like a complete loser with only a few friends, with a very boring life apparently and with no thrill. He said "physically by the way you look and all the guys that want you, I would feel very insecure but because you reject every guy for me, it makes me feel like I can trust you."

 

 

Sighhh.. This is long and maybe hard to understand but I feel like I want my boyfriend to be a little jealous, to feel that yes, someone could steal me away from him although I'm respectful and don't return attention to guys who give it to me, I hate that he is so comfortable to the point that he could take me for granted. I hate the fact that his ex kept him in his tip toes and I hate the fact that he dated a girl like that. I hate that I get so much attention and shut the whole world down for him & cut all my guy friends only for him to be happy but took away that feeling in the pit of ur stomach where you are afraid to lose someone. I hate that he is not afraid to lose me, that all his compliments of me being gorgeous but such a classy good girl and that he wants to marry me-should make me feel good but I feel like a boring, "make your life easy", no excitement, girlfriend. I'm afraid I am not giving him a challenge at all, im afraid he will take me for granted because it has happened before. I have never felt so bad about being good in my life. I feel like crap, like the boring housewife. What can I do to snap him out ofthis extreme security and comfortability without hurting our relationship?

 

 

 

Apparently sometimes the normal ones can't identify that they are the normal ones.

 

The guy who needs other guys to admire and long for his girlfriend are the insecure sorts who should probably be excused from serious consideration as long-term beaus.